Ugh, NC never gets any easier

[nolanola]

@Beachead, I completely get that about equating your ex with a happy time in your life. With this recent ex, he came along at a time when things were really swinging up in my life and at a time that I felt really optimistic about the future. And as we all know, when you've met someone that has potential or it's early in a relationship, life just seems brighter. So I definitely miss that feeling, not just of being with someone new, but that feeling of possibility and optimism.

 

My life is not so bad right now. I mean, I have a good job, I have a wonderful home to come to every night, I have food to eat, people that love me, and my health. But my Dad is sick and struggling and that has been really hard. I can't help but wonder if my fears about losing him are making my situation with the ex seem so much worse than they are -like maybe I wouldn't be having a hard time letting him go if my Dad wasn't sick. So it's hard to feel optimistic right now.

 

I hope for better things for all of us. "This too shall pass" is a common saying (my Dad says it all the time) but my best friend has an interesting way of thinking about it. Most people think about this when they're in a bad time, but life is up and down. When we're happy, that won't last forever; there will be hard times after that despite of how happy we are in that moment. When we're sad, that won't last forever either; there will be happy times after that too. Sometimes the troughs are just longer than others.

 

I know I am getting better. I can feel it. He doesn't occupy my every thought anymore, although I think about him a lot. I feel like I am working through a lot of things, even though there are so many unanswered questions for me. It doesn't make me as crazy as it used to though. I know I deserve better than how he was treating me, even if it wasn't malicious. I'm so happy I let him know with my actions that I wasn't going to accept it any more.

 

Like my Dad always says "Keep your chin up"

[sweetgirl75]

Yes its been two years NC for me and it has not been easy. I have had my good days and my bad days. I struggled on some days but I held on to the memories of how awful this guy treated me and did I really want to go back to that treatment. That is good that you have a positive outlook and you see a new day as a new beginning and see that the sun does shine again the next day. That is what I would do. Take it one day at a time. Step by step and before you know it the right man will walk into your life and you will be treated right.

[Endnote]

Haven't checked in for a while. @nolanola sorry to hear about your date with that other guy. It can be easier for some people to convey their interest online than it can in person, that said who knows what that guy was thinking. I got a call from a private number recently and wondered if it could have been my ex. The same thing happened to me during my divorce years ago and I'm pretty sure that was my ex-wife, while this time around I think it was just a telemarketer. No texts though, so maybe that's different.

 

I've been doing pretty well myself. I've stayed exceptionally busy to the point that this year has flown by. I'll be at the 10 month mark in a few days. I'm pretty happy with my behavior overall. In retrospect I probably would have refrained from posting anything on social media right after the breakup for a few months, even though I didn't post anything in relation to the breakup, it just seems like I posted more than needed, like it was a competition that my life was still good or something. Lesson learned.

 

I haven't struggled as much since the breakup, and even though I think of my ex everyday, like you she's no longer at the forefront of my mind. I'm still not looking to start dating though. I'm not very excited about the female candidates out there that strike my interest. I don't have much desire to date a woman with heavy issues that will be brought into the relationship, an a lot of them don't really have any drive. While unfortunately everyone has some baggage, I'm at least hoping to find someone that at least has a or has had a healthy relationship with both of their parents. I've just dated too many women with issues related to abandonment that it's gotten old having to deal with both anxious and avoidant behavior. We'll see how my search goes.

 

In the meantime I'm just living my best life, and I've managed to have some friends of mine move into my house so I can make some extra money and have someone to shoot pool with consistently. Hope all is well on everyone's end. I've found that practicing gratefulness like many of you have and staying busy is the best way to progress the healing process.

[nolanola]

@Endnote, I'm glad to hear things are going well for you - you sound pretty content with things.

 

I still feel so up and down sometimes. I'm here with my Dad this weekend and it has been good, but it also reminds me of the last time I was here. That was 3 months ago when I last looked at his girlfriend's Facebook page and went into a deep hole. I won't go there again, but the bad feelings definitely linger. I wrote about this in another post, but it sometimes feels like I am grieving all over again when I try to think about my ex. I recently began looking at my ex as emotionally unavailable and I do believe that he was like this with me - wanting to keep the connection between us but never wanting to move it forward due to several things. I feel pretty sure of this and in some ways, it makes me feel better. Because the worst thing I could think of is that he took a look at what I had to offer and decided that it wasn't good enough - that I didn't measure up. I have beat myself up so many times for doing one thing versus another, saying one thing instead of another, sleeping with him too soon and on and on. But looking at him as emotionally unavailable made me think that maybe it wasn't all me. He compartmentalized me as someone that was in his life from time to time, never all in but never all out either.

 

As comforting as this was for me for a while, over the past week or so I find myself turning it over in my mind and obsessing again. I wish I knew why I can't seem to let this go. I know it's a process and I am getting better, but it feels like I will never heal some days. Like this will always be a stain that's there. And I really relate to what some others have said, that it feels so unfair that he got to just walk away unscathed. At least in my mind.

 

Maybe I should take a break from here for a while like you have @Endnote? Although for you it seems like you're busy in life and not necessarily consciously staying off here.

[Endnote]

I think that taking a break from here isn't really necessary. I still check often I just have less to say, but ultimately what I've seen makes me happy with how I;'ve handled my situation. I think the tenets of NC are clear, and when people come on these forums and they're breaking no contact consistently and resisting the advice of others, well, there's only so much I can say. Ultimately I'll just keep reiterating that we do what we've been doing, and just live with the assumption that the situations that brought us here are the reason our path foward is clear. Stay NC and move on. Know what I mean?

[nolanola]

@Endnote, I'm staying NC, but it's the moving on that I find difficult. You seem to have found some peace with your situation? I wonder if the reason I am having trouble moving on or letting go is that I still struggle with the "why" - like trying to understand why he did or said one thing instead of another. Or what it means and on and on. Maybe that's why I still feel stuck.

 

I do want to move on. And I think I am in a lot of ways. I am making plans in my life, doing new things (I am going to a new running group tonight, even though the thought scares me to death). But I still find myself in a bog sometimes.

 

I know intellectually that it doesn't really matter "why". My ex made his choices and it hurt me. That should be all there is to say, because I deserve better. And I think my actions have reflected that, even if I still internally struggle with it. I'm almost at 8 months and although I do feel much better than I did, it is still so frustrating that it takes so long.

[Beachead]

@nolanola

 

I know your frustrated my friend. I'll let you in on something I noticed about myself this week. Maybe it'll help you get an idea about your own healing.

 

The first situation occurred to me while I was sitting out in the backyard, reading a book. I recalled a time 2 years ago, when I talking to my friends the weeks that followed the breakup in that very backyard. I was in pain, numb, angry, in denial..just all around unpleasant emotion. I associated the backyard to her because of the conversations I had with my ex in it and the conversations I had with my friends after the breakup. It triggered immensely. Even last year, relaxing in the backyard like I do every summer, although less painful, still triggered.

 

But this year? There was nothing. Matter of fact, I spent a lot of time cultivating new memories in it this year. Landscaped. Planted new plants. Added fountains. And there's still more to do. Add a rock path and install lighting. I've been so busy planning, working, and feeling excited and proud over the projects, that I forgot to be sad about her.

 

And another thing..I look back at what I've accomplished since that relationship ended and it isn't all that bad. For one, I graduated with a post graduate certificate in business which wasn't easy to get myself motivated for. But after putting in all that hard work for 10 months, I had something to show for it. New contacts and education and experience. I look back on those accomplishments and I realize they're there with me for my future. Had I not forced myself to get up and think about my future and set goals and accomplish them back then...I wouldn't have been in the place I am right now to feel this comfort, that I'm doing okay. I would have looked back and thought..wow, nothing's changed. Would have made me think about her even more.

 

Time has made the difference and so has living.

 

I still do miss her. I still do think about her. But, I also find it becoming simpler to recall that her continued silence and distance tells me all I need to know about how she feels.

Edited June 27, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Thanks @Beachead. I totally know what you mean - you have to reframe things. There are still a lot of things that I associate with my recent ex - restaurants we went to, experiences, even Facebook. I feel SO much better being off Facebook because every time I get on there I feel anxious that I am going to see something I don't want to see. I had the same thing with my older ex and it took me forever to re-associate. I avoided his side of town for the longest time and I still don't really go over there. It took at least a year before I didn't get anxiety thinking of the things I associated with him.

 

It's funny. Lately, whenever I have a "dip" and feel sad for a while, when I come out of it I find myself feeling better than I did before. For the past day or two I have been in such a good place. I feel like I am starting to feel like I don't need to go over and over it in my mind as much any more. I'm sure I will have dips again in the future, but I am encouraged that I have gotten to this point. I've started visualizing what my ideal partner would be like - I've never been a big believer in "The Secret" but it seems like maybe something to try. Maybe if I put that energy out there for what I'm looking for, not just in him, but in how he would treat me and how our relationship would be, that I will bring that energy into my life.

[Beachead]

@Nolanola

 

That's how the progress sneaks up on you. It's pretty amazing when it happens right? One day you just wake up and realize you're doing better. Maybe you're not 100%, but you're better. It comes in little steps.

 

- Beach

[nolanola]

@Beachead - it is!! Lately I am really feeling so much better and more at peace than I was. I had such a terrible year in 2018, with this stuff, as well as my Dad being sick, so for some things to finally getting better I just feel like a light is coming on. My Dad had a good scan recently and I don't want to get too hopeful, but he sounds good when I talk to him.

 

Now, when I think of my ex, I don't feel that ache like I used to. Every now and then I get sad or angry, but it is so much more tolerable than it used to be. I am so glad that I went NC and that I got off Facebook. That was the best thing I ever did.

 

I have 2 dates this weekend with some guys from Hinge. It's anxiety provoking to think about because I'm an introvert and making small talk is exhausting for me. But I keep thinking about what my brother said about dating - that it's like going to the gym. You just have to make yourself do it.

 

I also read an interesting article today that made me think. It was about a woman that broke up with her boyfriend. She was devastated but made efforts to work on herself and to improve - she did a lot of introspection and started dating. She didn't get into a relationship right away, but she got better about standing up for herself and ending things with guys that didn't treat her well. About a year later, she saw her ex again and was struck by the fact that although she had grown so much, he hadn't worked on himself at all and was exactly the same. She knew she had outgrown him and didn't want him anymore. I liked that story, because I like to think that I am trying to do things differently for myself and to grow as a person. Something to think about when we feel frustrated or stuck.

[TooMuch2Ask]

@nola

 

 

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. I haven't been on the site in a while. I needed a break for a while. I was reading a lot of posts and spending a lot of time on the site which made me feel like I was becoming stagnant. I've caught up on the posts I missed... How was your dad's recent scan? How did the dates go last weekend? I'm glad to see you haven't been on Facebook. I'm sure that has helped immensely!

 

 

I've stayed no contact with my ex other than strictly regarding things that come up through work (which is few and far between). He has left me alone other than a hello here and there which has been fantastic for me. I was on vacation last week and realized that I rarely ever think of him at all unless I am at work and even then it's way easier. I wish I had the option of finding a different job but I don't. It gets easier every day.

 

 

I hope everyone else is doing well!!

[nolanola]

@TooMuch2Ask! Good to "see" you here! I have the same thoughts about whether I should be on here so much. I typically check here once a day or so. I am split between thinking it's helpful to me to see other people's stories and to respond to them and thinking that it keeps me thinking about breakups.

 

I am doing pretty well, I think. I still have dips but I find they don't hit me as hard. When they go away, I feel better than I did before. I did have a (?maybe) slip up last week. I knew B typically is here in my city in July for a course. That's when we actually first went out on a date. I was thinking about it last week and had the idea to look and see if he would be here. I am not sure why I wanted to do this, because I had been doing pretty well with things. When I saw his name on the schedule, my heart started pounding and I had anxiety. And that's just from seeing his name. I wish I was further along, but at least I had no desire to contact him or to be near my work on that day (which is where his course is). It just made me feel anxious that he will be close to me.

 

On my worst days, I can go into a really negative thought bog and tell myself he never cared about me. But, then I remember how he checked up on me after my surgery - more often than my own family did - and I think that maybe I am looking at things from a very black and white perspective. I try to remind myself that regardless of whether he cared about me (which I do think he did) he didn't treat me as I deserved to be treated and I deserve better than that. I feel more negatively towards him now than I used to, but I know I still have him on a pedestal and think of him as such a catch. I'm still jealous of BB that she was able to "land" him.

 

I went out with one guy on Saturday and that was pretty good. I really liked him but I wasn't really attracted to him. I kept thinking maybe I would be if I got to know him, but I don't think I would. I think he felt it too because other than a "great to meet you, let's hang out again" text Saturday night I haven't heard from him. The other guy had to cancel for Sunday and we are trying to set up a follow up. Some days I feel optimistic about the situation but other days it just feels really hard to try to find someone. This is probably why I feel so jealous about the B/BB situation (or at least my interpretation of it) - he has someone and I don't. The only thing I feel good about is that he doesn't know anything about what I'm up to.

 

A weird thing happened while I was on my date on Saturday. I got a call from a number I didn't recognize while I was sitting there with the guy. I didn't answer it but later when I looked it was a number from Shreveport, which is where B lives. They didn't leave a message, so then I thought about that for a while - whether it could have been him. Hate that he is still affecting me so much.

 

As far as my Dad, his scan looked good, better than I could have hoped for. It seems like the treatment they are using is working and I am thrilled. It hasn't been easy for him but I am so happy that we can start to try to think about seeing each other later this summer and hopefully for the holidays. I am moving ahead with my plans to try to have a baby and that is a huge hope of mine - that my Dad will get to see that. So I feel happy about that.

 

I'm glad you are doing well and moving forward! Are you still dating the other guy? How's that going?

[Beachead]

@Beachead - it is!! Lately I am really feeling so much better and more at peace than I was. I had such a terrible year in 2018, with this stuff, as well as my Dad being sick, so for some things to finally getting better I just feel like a light is coming on. My Dad had a good scan recently and I don't want to get too hopeful, but he sounds good when I talk to him.

 

Now, when I think of my ex, I don't feel that ache like I used to. Every now and then I get sad or angry, but it is so much more tolerable than it used to be. I am so glad that I went NC and that I got off Facebook. That was the best thing I ever did.

 

I have 2 dates this weekend with some guys from Hinge. It's anxiety provoking to think about because I'm an introvert and making small talk is exhausting for me. But I keep thinking about what my brother said about dating - that it's like going to the gym. You just have to make yourself do it.

 

I also read an interesting article today that made me think. It was about a woman that broke up with her boyfriend. She was devastated but made efforts to work on herself and to improve - she did a lot of introspection and started dating. She didn't get into a relationship right away, but she got better about standing up for herself and ending things with guys that didn't treat her well. About a year later, she saw her ex again and was struck by the fact that although she had grown so much, he hadn't worked on himself at all and was exactly the same. She knew she had outgrown him and didn't want him anymore. I liked that story, because I like to think that I am trying to do things differently for myself and to grow as a person. Something to think about when we feel frustrated or stuck.

 

First off, I love that story. I agree with it simply because I just believe in always trying to better myself, even if that means I need to stand still for awhile and do nothing. These days, it's about me facing the crossroads in my life which is how do I want to earn a living? Working under someone as an accountant in an office knowing the kind of hours I'd have to pull or doing something a bit more hands on, a bit more meaningful where I can create something and leave my footprint on this earth, and earn a few bucks from there. A lot of that thought process has required me to come to terms with who I am, the hand I was dealt, and what I want from this life.

 

Extremely happy to hear about your dad's scan. I know it can't be easy going through it. I also have two parents who I've been battling health issues themselves, so I definitely feel the responsibility and the emotional challenges that come with it. There is a lot of worry.

 

I agree with your bro's advice. If or when I get back to dating, I would approach it that way. You just have get to it and be willing to incur some heartbreak in the process. I'm sorry about the one date that didn't work out but I hope this next one that you have set up will. Keep going.

 

Also, I just read that you're planning to have a baby! Congratulations with the decision .

[Twizzlestick]

Hey Nolanola

 

I’ve not been on here ages. Reading your post I’m so happy to hear. Coming back after a while I can see the difference that things are changing on the up for you . Ups and downs, but definitely moving. The difference is stark from a few months back.

 

I’m also delighted to hear the news about your Dad, and my sincerest wishes to you and your family.

 

I’ve taken a break from LS as found for me when I start to feel a little stronger I try and go without LS and my YouTube channels I watch to try and cut down the thinking about it. I still have the down periods and the ups.

 

I’ve recently moved into online dating too. Uh oh! Well, I’ve been ten years out and what’s struck me is the change. Gone are the days of meet someone, exchange numbers, maybe the odd text, meet for a date. Perhaps date 3/4 with the odd bit of chat between. Now it’s massive amounts of comms and questions even before th first date . The world has changed so much.

 

I’ve found myself in a little dating pickle. I’m going to ask about it on the dating forum. Met someone online, we haven’t even had the first date but boy oh boy is she coming on strong. It’s making me feel uncomfortable. I realise I fancy her from mere photos, but am not sure. Hell, we’ve not even met yet. It’s raising all these questions like “is it wrong to go on dates with someone you have doubts about”. It just don’t want to hurt anyone. I thought dating was meant to be swap number, maybe the odd text, meet up, rinse and repeat a few times. Now it’s all coms coms coms form the word go. It’s like the dating bit happens over WhatsApp prior to even meeting. Dating has change so much in ten years

 

I’m so glad to hear things are on the up for you

[nolanola]

Hi @Twizzlestick (and everyone else)! I've been taking a long break from here too. It's not that things are perfect for me (I had some issues last week, will post that in a sec) but I find that I don't need to be checking in here or writing about things so much because I think I am getting into a new stage in my healing process.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from with the online stuff. I am actually taking a break from there for a while because I had some pretty negative experiences. I have never had any success with online anything, but I was giving it a try I think because I wanted to prove something to myself (and to everyone else). In the end it just made me feel so much lonelier. I would advise you to look at it like talking to women in a bar. In a good night, you might talk to 4 or 5 women and maybe get a phone number. From that, you might go out on a date or you might not. It's such an artificial thing that you really can't tell much until you get to meet them in person. When it comes to that, I try to set that up within the first few days of messaging. I also ran into the same issues with back and forth endless messaging and I was not interested in that. Honestly, if a guy didn't seem interested in meeting in person after a few days, I lost interest and just stopped responding. It sounds like you are doing pretty well and I am glad to hear you're at least making attempts to meet some new people.

 

As for me, I had a major blip last week, but I think in the end it is going to help me. I am on a group What's App chat with the people I went on my mission trip with this past spring. My ex is not on it because he wasn't there. We mostly used it while we were there, but people have been sending updates from time to time since we've been home. About a week and a half ago, I woke up to see about a dozen messages on there. When I scrolled back to the beginning, I saw that the leader of our group had sent a message saying that my ex had just gotten a huge, huge promotion at work. He is now chairman of his department, which is huge for someone his age. When I first saw the message and his name, my heart just dropped because I thought it was going to say something else. Following that initial message, there were messages of congratulations and happiness. About halfway down, someone added my ex to the chat and tagged him on the original message. After that, there were more messages.

 

I was immediately stressed about what to do. I felt like I needed to say something, because I didn't want to be the only person not replying and looking like a petty b***ch, but I also knew if I did say something I would be stressed about whether he would reply. I consulted several people for emergency advice and they all said to say something professional and to leave it at that. So I did: I said "Congratulations! Happy for you!". Initially I felt fine about it, but as the day went on, I started getting more stressed that I had approached it wrong. Like I had given something away by being nice.

 

Later that day, my ex responded to everyone in a nice but kind of general message. As I expected, this was very upsetting to me. I knew that it would be. I didn't respond to the message in an attempt to restart communication with him - if I had wanted to do that, I would have sent something direct to him like with a text - but I knew if I had said something I would be wondering if he had noticed at all. It really hit me very hard and knocked me back for a while.

 

The other things that were really hard were seeing the outpouring of good wishes for him. Don't get me wrong, he is excellent at his job and he deserves his success. But it brings up two things. First, because everyone else thinks he is so wonderful, it makes me wonder if I was wrong for thinking he treated me badly. Like how could he have been crappy if everyone loves him so much? And second, it just made me feel so small to think of him going higher and higher in his career and moving on with his personal life while I'm still here in the same place.

 

I have been really doing some thinking about all this over the past week or so. I think I have been in some denial for a while about things between us. I didn't want to really open my eyes and see that it was really and truly over. I wanted somehow for there to be another chapter or another part of the story. I was protecting my heart from the realization that he has moved on. It hurts typing that but I think that in realizing it I'm able to start grieving that truth.

 

That's part of why I decided to take a break from online dating. My heart wasn't in it. I wanted to prove something to someone. I wanted what I think he has. I wanted to show that I wasn't worthless or something, that someone would want me. But it was just making me lonelier. I think I am just going to be focus on just being for a while. Work, family, health, and some other plans I have. If I meet someone in real life, then great. If not, then it isn't time yet.

 

I ran into a man that I knew several years ago (and had a big crush on when I was a lot younger). I hadn't seen him in over 10 years. When I was talking to him, I got a little flutter (especially when I noticed he wasn't wearing a wedding ring) and that was really nice. I don't know that that's going anywhere, but just the possibility that it could made me feel better.

[Beachead]

Hey Nolanola,

 

Glad to hear from you. You seem to be getting better and better as the months fly, indicative from your posting less and less . That's always the end goal. Atleast for me it is. To help people manage their pain by understanding their situation and then giving them a game plan to work on that'll help them eventually regain their strength, ready to take on the world again. Nonetheless, it never hurts to have a forum like this to support you if you fall. Not sure if I'll be on here forever but if you decide to drop by again, you can certainly PM me if you need a emotional boost. That goes for anyone else on here.

 

Regarding your setback with your ex..I've faced similar myself. I used to be play soccer with a bunch of friends and used facebook chat to organize a lot of the games. Unfortunately, my ex's husband is on it. Given the drama between us, I initially blocked him and muted the conversation and then archived it so I didn't have to see it. I never really went back to it though. I just don't feel like it. It's a shame too because I loved playing soccer with those guys.

 

If you find that his presence in the chat is hurting you and making you regress back to a former state of mind, it might do you well to either mute the conversation or worst case scenario, leave it (Provided people understand why which means you may have to somewhat explain the situation to them). If you can do well without having to do any of that, then that's about as good as it gets.

 

Stay strong and keep rolling. I'm proud of your progress.

 

- Beach

Edited July 29, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

Hi @Beachead!! It's funny how random people on here can become almost like friends. As an aside, I actually keep in What's App communication with a woman I met on here a few years ago - we've never met in person but we talk from time to time.

 

I actually think that the thing with the group chat last week will ultimately be a positive for me. It made me come to some very difficult realizations that I think I have been pushing down for months. I had wanted to believe that maybe there was more, that there would be more explanation, or something. It was keeping me very stuck because it was like I was waiting. And still directing a lot of energy into what he was or wasn't thinking. So that whole thing helped me to realize that it is over. For good. I grieved a lot the day of and the few days after and had a mini melt down, but I think I am doing better now. It feels more real now.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think I can leave the group and I don't want to tell the others what happened - most of them are really just work colleagues and the ones that I am closer to already know. But I feel ok about it. We don't use the group chat much so I doubt there will any reason for me to go on there until next year. I am doing really well right now in just being. Not trying to do or be anything in particular in relationship to dating. Just focusing on my career, my family, and my health. The next few weeks are pretty busy so it helps to have other things to focus on.

 

Thanks for saying that you're proud of my progress. I am too. Just coming on here and catching up made me see how far I've come.

[Optimystic]

I know intellectually that it doesn't really matter "why". My ex made his choices and it hurt me. That should be all there is to say, because I deserve better. And I think my actions have reflected that, even if I still internally struggle with it. I'm almost at 8 months and although I do feel much better than I did, it is still so frustrating that it takes so long.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I relate to most of this. It sucks. Just today I was so angry and hurt about an instance when he took back the compliments and kind things he said me.. almost denied saying them when I mentioned them. I still wonder why he did that. I had the urge to text him asking about it.. but came to my senses. But it was so cruel. I thought he was better than that.. guess he was trying to cover his ego or something. I burned him a few times too. But I felt bad and apologized.. I never would have denied saying something or taken it back.

 

Anyway.. I hope it gets easier with time. I'm almost at the 7 month mark.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Beachead]

@Nolanola

 

Well, seems you're doing just fine. It's just a matter of continuing to live now and embracing the new things that come your way. I can't promise it'll all be good. Ups and downs are part of the deal in life unfortunately but atleast now, you're back at it with more knowledge and wisdom about yourself and your life.

 

Also, I sent you a PM.

 

- Beach

Edited July 30, 2019 by Beachead

[LauraXX]

Good to hear from you guys. Oh man @nolanola, so now you're basically in a Whatsapp group with your ex? That must feel crazy after staying NC for such a long time. But I think you did the right thing by congratulating him on there.

 

For me, Whatsapp is basically the only lifeline I still have to my ex. We're not connected on any social media, but when I scroll down my list of Whatsapp chats I still see his profile picture next to our old text conversation. A couple of weeks ago I used the Whatsapp status function for the very first time and uploaded a picture there. I wasn't even aware that you can see who clicked on your status update, but he was the first person to watch it. That made my stomach drop. It was the first sign of life I had from him in six months. He didn't send me a message though, so there was no communication involved.

 

A few months ago I would have said that I'm finally completely over him. But I think I was wrong. There was a time when I didn't think about him every day. But right now, I am. It's probably because we had such a wonderful summer together last year and right now, everything reminds me of that time. Another reason is, that I just quit my job last week and signed a contract with a new company. And he was so involved in that whole process (deciding to quit the job), helped me with my applications (not for that specific new job though) etc. I was SOOOO tempted to send him a message one night (shortly after he had watched my status update). But I was worried that I might regret it later. So I typed it out, but didn't click send. I re-read it a few days later and was extremely glad that I never sent it out. That would have been a mistake.

 

Still seeing my young guy. It has been almost 8 months now since we met. And it's still the same situation, so more of a FWB arrangement than anything else. A few weeks ago he shocked me by admitting that he deleted his Tinder profile shortly after we met. And he seemed quite disappointed that I didn't. So I braced myself for a serious conversation with him, but he never addressed it again. Sometimes I think that I would be willing to try a serious relationship with him. But that's usually when he's not so present in my life and when I'm starting to miss him. Sometimes he's very communicative, almost a bit clingy and then I'm - of course - convinced that he isn't right for me and even a bit annoyed. I feel bad for even saying that. So it's probably better to keep it casual for now.

 

In general, I'm quite happy with where my life is at. Really looking forward to the new job... it's exactly what I always wanted to do and I will be working with close friends. Started renovating my apartment a while ago and it's in the finishing stages now and looking good. Trained for running 5k in under 25 minutes in the past weeks and finally did it this week (which probably sounds boring, but I used to be such a couch potato until about a year ago that for me, it's really an achievement).

I wish I could be a bit more relaxed in the "love department" as well. I know that I don't want to get married or have more kids, so that should take off the pressure. But it doesn't... and I'm really starting to long for another relationship.

[nolanola]

@LauraXX, I'm happy for you that the YG situation is going along ok. I admit I am envious. I wanted so much to find someone that would replace my ex and I think I jumped into online dating too soon. I think I was trying to prove something to someone (my ex?) or maybe to myself. Having someone you love start dating someone else will really make you feel down on yourself.

 

I came to the conclusion that I needed to take a break from online dating a few weeks ago when I went out with a younger guy one Sunday morning. I met him at a Starbucks and did not think he was my type at first, but we started talking and I found him interesting and intelligent. About 45 minutes into our conversation he says "I have a bold proposition for you". I'm thinking he's going to say that we should leave and go somewhere else. But he says "Want to go somewhere and make out?". Although I give him points for honesty, the date went south from there. I've never done anything like that and certainly wasn't looking to start. Right after, I decided that I was just going to be single for a while and just accept that I wasn't with anyone right now. Just embrace it.

 

I was doing pretty well until last week. I had written a piece when we went on our mission trip in April, about a man that I have worked with for years. He is someone I admire greatly, so I had spent a great deal of time working on this piece, editing it, sending it to friends, revising it, and so forth. About a week ago it was published and when I read it, I was disappointed. My editor had cut it for length and (I thought) changed it quite a bit. I worried that the subject of the piece wouldn't like it and that the leader of our trip wouldn't like it. I had told him I was writing it and had told him I would send it to him when it was published. I was so insecure about sending it after the changes, but after talking to my therapist decided to send it, along with the initial draft, for context.

 

I was nervous all day after sending it, checking my email constantly. That evening, I got the nicest email from the leader of our trip, saying he loved the article. I was so relieved and happy. He asked if he could share it with some friends and of course I said yes. Right after, he sent it to the What's App group and said how proud he was of me. My heart was literally glowing. He also linked an article that another friend of mine had written. Not 10 minutes later, I saw that my ex had responded and congratulated me and my friend on our articles. He doesn't usually participate in the group chat, so I was really surprised that he said anything and initially I was happy. But then I was mad at myself for feeling happy about this, because it means nothing probably. He hasn't reached out to me directly in about 8 months, since he tried to text me around Thanksgiving and I ignored him. This is literally whatever less than a breadcrumb is and I was excited about it.

 

I feel like I'm doing better, but some days I still feel so lonely and sad, because I want to have someone special in my life so much. Tonight is one of those nights. I don't have any specific plans, which is actually fine as I have to get to bed early (working very early tomorrow) but it feels so lonely. I know this whole thing is a journey and at some point, I will look back and not care about everything, but right now it feels really hard.

 

I know this post is a downer and I hate that. I really have been doing ok. I think about my ex a little bit less all the time. Someone on another thread told someone else to give it a year to recover from a big heartbreak (that's how long it took for her) and I am thinking of that all the time. I know I am so much better than I was 6 months ago, but some days it just feels so hard and endless.

[LauraXX]

I just read your reply. I'm sorry you didn't feel well that day and I hope that things are looking better now. I know that feeling so well and I have evenings like that at least once a month. I always try to remind myself that I felt like that even in times when I was in a commited relationship. I felt so lonely when I was in that 10y relationship with my ex (father of my kid) because I missed my friends & my social life and a bit of romance (our relationship was strictly platonic in the end). And I remember how I envied my best friend who was single at the time, always out and about with our circle of friends, enjoying dating and meeting new people etc. Now she's engaged and has a small kid and I'm the one who is able to do all those things, but on those lonely evenings when I'm home alone and my kid is with her father, I still envy her and feel like the loneliest person on earth. The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

Congratulations on that article you wrote That sounds great! And please don't feel bad about being excited about his reply. Would be strange if it didn't affect you at all after everything that has happened.

 

Oh, and Starbucks guy :lmao: Nice try!

[nolanola]

Thanks LauraXX. I have been beating myself up about this (about feeling happy when I saw that he messaged me directly and congratulated me). I am my own worst critic and bully. My therapist said that to me this week -that I am bullying myself. I couldn't just say "I did well with the article and he made a nice comment about it" and let it go at that. I convinced myself that he didn't really mean it, didn't care, etc, etc. In my mind, he was on a yacht with a cigar with his girlfriend next to him in a bikini dashing off a quick note that meant nothing.

 

I don't know why I do this to myself. It's like emotional cutting. I know it hurts me, but I do it any way because in some ways it feels good. It feels good to put myself down. I'm really working on why this is, because I really have no idea. And I think it's really keeping me stuck. That this is why I can get to a certain place in healing and then get pushed backwards again. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to get better.

 

The other day, when I was feeling really good, I had the thought that I could let my ex go. Let him go to live his life, love who he wants to love, make his mistakes or successes and that it was ok. I felt like that for about an afternoon. But then I saw something that reminded me of the way he treated me and it was right back into a cycle of telling myself "he never cared about you" "you meant nothing to him". And of course I felt terrible.

 

I watched a youtube video recently (Guy Winch if interested) that said that you should find a reason for the breakup - either what they told you or come up with a plausible explanation on your own and stick to it. Stop litigating it over and over and trying to figure it out. This makes total sense to me, but I am having a really hard time with it. I keep going over and over things and it sucks. Granted, it's MUCH less than it was 6 months ago, but just the fact that it still happens is crummy.

[Twizzlestick]

Well I’ve come crashing down, I felt ok ish in the summer. My ex moved this week to my country to start a new job. I suspect my mind had spent the summer shelving the issue. Knowing of the move has had it all come flooding back. It’s very distressing, it’s like the first few months. I have maintained NC for 7 months. It caused her to block me in temper back in the spring.

 

For whatever reason I can’t fathom, her moving really started to get to me and one day, a couple of weeks back, I broke and sent a “good luck” card for her new job and move. Nothing gushing, just polite wishing well. It had a nice picture on the front which I thought was quite good which is a bit beside the point. She didn’t respond of course, I suspect that tipped things over.

 

I had been starting dating but I’ve knocked it on the head as can see I’m not quite ready for that. One lovely date was getting very keen, very quickly and we had arranged to a second date, but when to my horror my pain came back I realised I’m in no shape so I explained to the girl I’m sorry but can’t continue. That made me feel worse, hurting someone else. Granted we’d had one date but I knew she was investing already.

[nolanola]

@Twizzlestick, this is something that happens to most people I think. We try to convince ourselves (and others?) that we're ok, we're worthy, we're attractive. Because having someone you love decide not to be with you is a big blow to your self esteem. I completely understand. I think I wanted to somehow skip over the hard parts and jump straight to meeting someone else and that that would somehow fix what is broken. But it was just making me more miserable and lonely. It's hard to admit that I am not ready - because I still feel somehow ashamed that I'm alone. Maybe because I feel like it just validates the idea that there is something wrong with me and that's why my ex didn't choose me. I hope you're finding some peace in stepping back? I am focusing on putting my energy onto other things (work, travel, my family, health) and working with my therapist on dealing with my inner negative voice.

 

After I read what you were saying about sending your ex a letter, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had emailed my ex. I woke up feeling uncomfortable but not as upset as I would have thought I would be. How are you feeling about sending your ex the card? I think it came from a good place and sometimes just knowing that you have left things in the best place you can (especially since you think she blocked you in frustration earlier) is enough to give you some peace.

 

I think letting go is a really long process. Sometimes I can think that it will be ok and that having this person gone from my life is ok and other times I can't feel comfortable. But I am getting better a little bit at a time. Working on accepting where I am and that I've made small steps forward. I try to think of myself like a small boat in the midst of a storm: going up and down with the waves. Sometimes the storm is heavy and it looks like you might capsize, but then it lets up a little bit and you rise back up on a wave. Eventually the storm will pass. When I feel really low, I try to think about this.