Amethyst68 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I can understand the hesitancy and cold behaviour towards the OP, after all she hurt their son/brother. It will take time and consistency on behalf of the OP before they will relax and change their actions. The child is another matter, if your BS has made it clear he is going to be in her life and raising her, his family should act accordingly. The baby is blameless after all. Would they feel better if your BH adopted your daughter? Is that an avenue you could pursue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 I can understand the hesitancy and cold behaviour towards the OP, after all she hurt their son/brother. It will take time and consistency on behalf of the OP before they will relax and change their actions. The child is another matter, if your BS has made it clear he is going to be in her life and raising her, his family should act accordingly. The baby is blameless after all. Would they feel better if your BH adopted your daughter? Is that an avenue you could pursue? He's her legal father. Same last name, his name is and always been on the birth certifcate. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 It becomes the mother's business when she's expected to be the grandmother to the baby and treat her the same. It's not her grandchild. She may not wish to carry the baby...She may decide not to buy gifts for the child. That's entirely her choice. The child is not related to her in that sense. These are the consequences of creating a life in such circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 I am the making of all the **** consequences going around, but I had to take a step back. My husband told his mother that he had a prenatal DNA test done on the unborn baby earlier in the pregnancy, shortly after he told her about the truth about the paternity of the baby (I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not in another post) but today my husband told me that until the baby is born him or the girls aren't going to visit his mother. She thinks that the baby isn't his, and thinks she is covering for him. Even after he dug out and showed her the DNA test to prove it. She said she won't be convinced until it's a court order DNA test. And she even told him he should consider getting a DNA test on our oldest. I've tried to do what I can to keep the peace between him, my daughter's and his mother, but now I really need to step back and let things run it's the course. It's too much stress with pregnancy complications. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry that you are having pregnancy complications. What do you think about your MIL's concerns? Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) Her concerns are understandable and anyone in her place would feel the same way. She has zero reasons to trust me, and she all the reasons in the world to think her son, my husband has to cover up any lies. I just hope once the baby is born she comes around somewhat. I don't expect her to like me or to ever trust me again. And I accept that. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Sorry you're going through so much stress. His mother has a lot of cheek demanding a court-ordered DNA test though. Has he shown her the actual results from the one you already did? He's the one who needs to set his foot down on her when she goes beyond concern and into destructive badgering. Really, you ought not to have to deal with any of this right now, and he should be either stopping from dealing with them about it or shielding you from it. And he shouldn't spend his whole Christmas with them. He should spend half of it with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) He is spending Christmas with me. He says if they want, they can come to our house because he wants us all there together. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) To add, this is not just about overlooking or forgiving what gross mistake she has made. But her past choices and actions make his mother and sister believe that she’s going to continue to abuse and manipulate him. It’s a big tortune watching someone you love and close to you being abused constantly. So this is very much their bisiness. Honestly, I can't blame them. That's the thing so many us forget. They have had all the time in the world to process what they are dealing with. A bs has not. Normally, a spouse should be able to trust their husband or wife completely, but having an affair ( or being a serial cheater) takes that away. The bs in this situation turned to the one of the sources of support than he can still trust. Part of reconciling is the ws giving control over to their bs and allowing them to do what they need to do to heal. If a ws can't handle that, then they should really re-examine why they are choosing to reconcile. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) Sorry you're going through so much stress. His mother has a lot of cheek demanding a court-ordered DNA test though. Has he shown her the actual results from the one you already did? He's the one who needs to set his foot down on her when she goes beyond concern and into destructive badgering. Really, you ought not to have to deal with any of this right now, and he should be either stopping from dealing with them about it or shielding you from it. And he shouldn't spend his whole Christmas with them. He should spend half of it with you. This isn't about the op and what she wants. She made her choices, and if that means she is no longer welcome at her in-laws, that's one of the prices she will have to pay. She will have to earn their trust, and that may well take a long, long time They are still trying to process all of this, The op has had all the time int he world, and no offense to the op, but if it was my son in this situation, I wouldn't trust her either. I know that sounds awful, but if the op is willing to eat some humble pie, with time, she might be able to repair the damage she's caused. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) The issue is my husband is not okay with this. He expects his family to accept his decision to be with me, treat me with basic respect. The fact they aren't forgiving as he wants, is causing issues. He says that being around them is making it hard to move on. And that is my fault. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) Your husband needs to manage his expectations. Just as he is free to stay with you, his family is also free to be angry with you and show their feelings. Your husband doesn’t need his family’s approval to move on from your actions. It seems like he is using his family’s feelings about you as a way to express his true feelings. Maybe he can’t move on after all. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) I had thought about that. I also think and I have told him as much that I feel like he is trying to protect me from myself. That he can't always be there to hold my hand and I need to accept that my choices have hurt not only him but everyone. He doesn't understand why they can't accept the baby. He said if she was adopted rather then the way she was conceived would that be different. I do agree he needs to give them more time. I do hope they can share their ill feelings about me, in private and not in front of my children, but I can't control how they feel anymore then he can. He loves his family, and he feels conflicted. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) The issue is my husband is not okay with this. He expects his family to accept his decision to be with me, treat me with basic respect. The fact they aren't forgiving as he wants, is causing issues. He says that being around them is making it hard to move on. And that is my fault. I'm not going to sugarcoat my answer. You're an intelligent person, and you'd see through it anyway. You're right. It is your fault. The flip side of this is that because it's your fault, you have the power to begin to change it. Keep forging ahead and prove to your in laws that you can be trusted and that you and your husband are really working hard to repair your relationship. If you were in their shoes, and it was your adult child in your husband;s situation, You might well do the same thing. Parents want to protect their child, and that doesn't end, even when they are adults. In their place, what would you feel you needed to begin to trust again? fwiw, after my husband's affair, my parents didn't want anything to do with him for a while. Over time, that began to change because they heard from me how hard he was working on himself. It took a long time, but they did come around. Part of what helped was him apologizing to them for what he had put them through, because it showed he understood just how much damage he had caused. You're a smart woman, and I think you know what you need to do. Take care of yourself and your new little one, and keep moving forward with your husband. It may be slow going for a while, but that's not a bad thing. The things that are the hardest won tend to be the most permanent. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 You are at risk of delivering an extreme premie - which means a long neonatal stay, high risk for complications and disability, and a high possibility that the child will not survive. (given, the prognosis improves with every passing week). Trust me, you do not want to deliver now. How exactly are these discussions following your doctors instruction to limit the stress in your life? Just a gentle reminder... the only thing that should matter to ANY of you right now is the health of your child. These discussions can be had - after the delivery of your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) They aren't good, anymore than it is too have built up emotions. Now I'm just taking it easy, vent on here, taking nice warm showers and keeping my mind busy with books and television shows. Since I look like as pregnant as I did at 32/33 weeks pregnant with my previous two, I'm big enough to have some last minute maternity pictures. Since I can't venture too far from home, were going to take a few professional shots outside a park by the doctor's office. I'm super excited. I had been in the hospital for the last two days. Baby is all right, just my blood pressure has been unstable, and I keep dilating. It sounds like I may be here until the baby is born. My cervix is fully effaced, and I'm 2cm dilated. It's up in the air at this point. My husband has been amazing and has brought me food after work and brought my other babies. <3 But a little surprise today. Hence why I'm posting in this particular thread. My mother in law messaged me and asked me how the baby and I were doing. I know she is concerned about the baby and not me at all, but it was a nice gesture, and it was a positive thing as she contacted me at all. I told her the truth, keeping the focus on the baby and thanked her for her concern. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted February 24, 2019 Author Share Posted February 24, 2019 Instead of posting a new thread. Today my sister in law asked me if I would make cupcakes for her son's, my husband's nephew's party. Well she asked me, after she asked my husband who told her she was asking the wrong person. Link to post Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 (edited) Carrot cake with creamcheese icing and rainbow sprinkle cupcakes. You not only have a second chances after infidelity, you have a second chance at an entire life. Your life could have gone in a entirely different direction. Whether you believe in God or not, someone appears to be looking out for you. Your value to your husband, children and even your inlaws are a lot higher than you think. It may be time to stop beating yourself up and see yourself through the eyes of those closest to you. A woman who is worth going thru the dirt, as your husband has proved time and time again. A mother who has kept her family together despite overwhelming odds. And even a inlaw who gets a breadcrumb here and there. With all that has happened in the last year, maybe it is time to pause on the reflections and just be happy with those closest to you. You have a lot higher value then what you think. Lord knows why, but you do. Your name in a former life was Mary Magdeline. Go and sin no more. Make the cupcakes. Talk to your sil and mother in law. Take your beating but make the peace. Edit. And ask them for some childcare. You and your husband need a night out. Edited February 27, 2019 by Cullenbohannon Link to post Share on other sites
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