Author TheRainbow Posted November 26, 2018 Author Share Posted November 26, 2018 (edited) I would agree with you if this situation is was not extraordinary. There are no family members in the world who would want to see their loved one being emotionally abused. The OP is narcissistic and very selfish. Do you really believe that her husband's family should turn a blind eye to an in-law who is a serial cheater? Do you really think that seeing their grandchild who is a product of infidelity would not be hurtful? I don't expect them to turn a blind eye. They never really cared for me from the beginning, but now they really don't like me, maybe even on the same level as hate. I'm trying to tell my husband, that his parent's reaction is normal, and that I accept any and all consequences. If the roles were turned, my parents, especially my mother wouldn't accept a baby born from an affair. I know she wouldn't. So I'm keeping that in perspective. My husband feels caught in the middle. He told me that he regrets telling them anything. He says that he rather we kept denying it. Because now he feels like he has to choose a side, that he has to justify his decision to stay in our marriage. He says that I'm only responsible for my actions and that it isn't up to me to placate his family. He just wants them to accept his decision, whether they agree or not. Only I know they don't, and it's my fault he is distancing himself from his family. Edited November 26, 2018 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
RevengeOfTheCuck Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 (edited) A "loving mother" or a "loving sister" are not mean to an innocent baby. And they don't make their son/brother feel bad on a family holiday Their attitude is uptight, and certainly not "loving". Just because the husband accepts being a cuckold doesn't mean his family has to accept that along with the baby. <snip> You made your choices and decisions, they should stay between you and your husband. His family should not participate in any "rock throwing". They should mind their own business, in my opinion. His family should just smile, serve up the turkey & stuffing and talk about the weather. Just my two cents... Her choice has affected the entire family. What makes you think the paternity of their "relative" isn't there business? Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 (edited) I don't expect them to turn a blind eye. They never really cared for me from the beginning, but now they really don't like me, maybe even on the same level as hate. I'm trying to tell my husband, that his parent's reaction is normal, and that I accept any and all consequences. If the roles were turned, my parents, especially my mother wouldn't accept a baby born from an affair. I know she wouldn't. So I'm keeping that in perspective.<snip> I was addressing another member. Maybe your husband told his family to receive their support. It’s highly unlikely that your in laws will ever accept your husband’s choice. Perhaps your husband will need to limit contact with his family since he cannot accept their reasonable reactions and they cannot accept his choices. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) I was the one who told him to be honest with them. Because his mother suspected it, and I didn't want her to find out another way, or risk my oldest daughter finding out. We want to tell her when the time is right. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) I see why you told your husband to share your infidelities with his family of origin. This is a very sad situation for everyone. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 All I can do is take it day by day, and hopefully, in time they come around enough to at least be able to tolerate me. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) <snip> You made your choices and decisions, they should stay between you and your husband. His family should not participate in any "rock throwing". They should mind their own business, in my opinion. His family should just smile, serve up the turkey & stuffing and talk about the weather. If you have a daughter who plans to marry a repeated sex offender, would you just mind your own business, smile to the guy and serve him the turkey and stuffing at Thanksgiving like nothing? Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 If you have a daughter who plans to marry a repeated sex offender, would you just mind your own business, smile to the guy and serve him the turkey and stuffing at Thanksgiving like nothing? Are you comparing me to a sex offender? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Are you comparing me to a sex offender? No. I was just using a more drastic example to illustrate the point: his mother cares about his well-being (having a partner who doesn’t abuse him), so it’s also her business in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 No. I was just using a more drastic example to illustrate the point: his mother cares about his well-being (having a partner who doesn’t abuse him), so it’s also her business in this case. Okay carry on. Either way, my husband doesn't want to go over there again unless I'm welcomed too. He suggested hosting the next holiday at the condo, so I'm under no obligation to not be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Her choice has affected the entire family. What makes you think the paternity of their "relative" isn't there business? In the end, OP and her husband (if he assumes parental rights for the baby) will bare the financial and legal responsibility for the child, not the relatives. Thus its really none of their business. It really has no bearing on their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 If you have a daughter who plans to marry a repeated sex offender, would you just mind your own business, smile to the guy and serve him the turkey and stuffing at Thanksgiving like nothing? You are comparing apples to oranges. There is no logic in your comparison. OP is not a convicted felon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 The reality is they don't accept me and they have distanced themselves from the baby. I just hope that my husband doesn't cut himself off from his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 The reality is they don't accept me and they have distanced themselves from the baby. I just hope that my husband doesn't cut himself off from his family. In the end, your husband's most important job is to take care of the children. His main responsibility is to provide financially for them and guide them to adulthood. If his family does not accept his decision to take on these responsibilities, that's on them, not on you and not on your husband. The children need a mother and a father in a stable, loving home, which it sounds like (you two) are providing. Extended family is not a requirement, in my opinion. Just my two cents... Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 OP, We have lived a similar situation with my cousin's family. We never had a good relationship with his wife, but when we found out about her indiscretions (and their decision to reconcile) everything really took a turn for the worse. We no longer have a relationship with my cousin and his wife ever since my sister exploded on them on my aunt's birthday. Afaik his wife's family has adopted him and he has spent all holidays with them. We've been better off too without all that drama, but I wish things would have turned out to be different. I think that even if your husband doesn't want yo distance himself from his family, they will probably take that decision for him if you two are headed towards reconciliation. Eventually you will have to stop focusing on them too and use that energy to salvage your marriage. If you have some support from your family of origin, that would help tremendously. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 ... his mother cares about his well-being (having a partner who doesn’t abuse him), so it’s also her business in this case. How is it his mother's business?? The husband is an adult with "free will" and the capacity to make his own choices, without asking for input or permission from his mommy. It is none of the husband's mothers business what choices he (husband) makes with his life. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) He has the right to make his choice, and it’s also entirely her right to not like his wife. An adult woman has the right to marry a repeated sex offender, but it’s also entirely her father’s right not to accept the guy. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 All I can do is take it day by day, and hopefully, in time they come around enough to at least be able to tolerate me. The only way they can ever come around is to prove to them you’re a decent person. Right now, what you’ve done just shows them you’re exactly the kind of person they had in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 He has the right to make his choice, and it’s also entirely her right to not like his wife. The mother doesn't have to like the wife, but for a few hours at a Thanksgiving table, everyone can be an adult. Just pass the turkey and stuffing and be cordial (for the sake of the children). I'm not going to address your "sex offender" comment, as the OP is not a convicted felon. Again, there is no comparison. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) I had even brought up this issue with the counsellor yesterday last night. She said that I should focus on what I can control. She says it's good that I recognize the damage I had created, and that I can't force them to like me, or force them to forgive. Instead, I can continue to be genuine, and show them that despite the circumstances, I am treating their son better now. Pretty much overthinking it isn't going to change the outcome, and I should focus that energy on myself. So that is what I'm going to do, but still, I hope in time, they can come around to tolerate me. Edited November 27, 2018 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 Life is just peachy..... I just got to keep it together. It's so hard right now. What I thought was very bad Braxton hicks contractions brought by stress, turned out to be actual contractions. I'm at home for now. I just really want to cry. It's really hitting me that my baby very well will be premature. I can't thank my husband enough for being here for me. I feel so grateful for him sticking by me. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) Oh dear...I'm so sorry. I pray that you and your family pull through this difficult time. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 How is it his mother's business?? The husband is an adult with "free will" and the capacity to make his own choices, without asking for input or permission from his mommy. It is none of the husband's mothers business what choices he (husband) makes with his life. The OP's husband made the situation his mother's business when he decided to tell her the truth. If he didn't want his mother to have an opinion, then he simply should have kept his business to himself. If I don't want to hear the opinions and comments of others regarding any given situation in my life, I don't tell anyone and I don't expect them to stay silent if I decide to share. Parents do not stop worrying about their children just because the kids are adults either. The relationship evolves to a more equal dynamic as children grow into adults but that doesn't mean that parents ever stop being concerned about their adult children's happiness. NO parent would want to see their adult child married to someone who disrespects them by cheating and conceiving children with an affair partner. Expecting a parent to be silent and turn a blind eye to such a tragedy is naive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 How is it his mother's business?? The husband is an adult with "free will" and the capacity to make his own choices, without asking for input or permission from his mommy. It is none of the husband's mothers business what choices he (husband) makes with his life. To add, this is not just about overlooking or forgiving what gross mistake she has made. But her past choices and actions make his mother and sister believe that she’s going to continue to abuse and manipulate him. It’s a big tortune watching someone you love and close to you being abused constantly. So this is very much their bisiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 The mother doesn't have to like the wife, but for a few hours at a Thanksgiving table, everyone can be an adult. Just pass the turkey and stuffing and be cordial (for the sake of the children). I'm not going to address your "sex offender" comment, as the OP is not a convicted felon. Again, there is no comparison. That’s exactly what happened: The mother did say he may bring his wife if he really wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
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