MisFoolish Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 (edited) Hi everyone, I’m not sure if this is the best place to put this. But I’m hoping for some advice. It first started out as me being a supportive role in his life. He was in a toxic, draining and completely abusive marriage. After years of a dead marriage, he decided to do something about it. He moved out and said he could never see them being together again. He said I gave him the strength to do it, but it was headed that way anyway. Once separated, him and I continued our relationship. It turned romantic and sexual. He was quick to act and didn’t want me to feel like ‘the other woman’ so I he said he would quickly to make it official and he was even going to tell her that he’d like to see other people. I advised against it. I was cautious about all the steps he wanted to take with me. I questioned him many times and asked ‘are you sure?’ I wanted him to be careful and sure of himself. But he reassured me that it had been dead for awhile. I felt that was rational as I know someone fresh out of a breakup could have impulsive emotions. But since he had acknowledged it had been dead, we assumed he had already gone through the emotions of a dead marriage— silly me. I should have been more careful. But I don’t know how much more careful I could have been. I consulted with many loved ones about what to do. And they all confirmed that he’s just a man that knows what he wants— that he’s ready to experience a fulfilling and happy relationship. Despite the countless stories with the same outcome of dating a separated man, I just thought he was different (that’s what they all say) Anyway, we both connected on a level neither of us have ever known and I know the love is there. Being together was amazing. But it wasn’t long before he began to feel fearful about the repercussions of being with me and what his wife would do to manipulate him seeing his child if she knew. He said he wanted to get her to a happier place so that he could tell her he thinks they should see other people and so that he could tell her about me and not have such an explosive reaction. I understood this and suggested we do things that wouldn’t put us in the public eye. He has been deeply conflicted. He didn’t expect this. Neither did I. He says he has feelings for me and for her. The people who have watched this situation unravel believe that his feelings are nostalgic and that it’s more about him wanting to do the right thing. And he’s also looped into a toxic cycle of that relationship coupled with his own issues and the reason he stayed in that in the first place. He started going to therapy and so we had to end. We both realized he had a lot he needed to work through personally— I respect that. He is not the man I would need him to be as he is now, anyway. But, I do care very deeply for him. This breakup has been unexpectedly the most traumatic romantic ending I’ve ever encountered, truly. I care deeply for him and as much as it hurts that we can’t be together, it hurts more that he could make the wrong decision and not choose happiness for his life because he thinks it’s the ‘right’ thing. He is planning on marriage therapy with her. Knowing what I know, I sincerely do not believe they will work out long term. But I know he’s doing what he needs to do. He needs to see this through and at least know that he tried. He has a lot of personal things to deal with and I detected he’s in a depression right now while he selves into that. I’ve given him space. With that all in mind, I’m not looking for opinions on what he will do or what he did or what I did. I’m simply looking for advice on how to handle this emotionally— if anyone has been through it and how they overcame it.I have so many emotions rushing through my head- guilt if they reconcile and he never tells her about me, anger for feeling swept under the rug, the pain of rejection and so many other feelings. I feel very alone knowing he’s with her and working on things having been told he never would try again, and my confidence is shot. Questions plague my mind ‘how could I allow myself to be the other woman?’ It was never my intention. I truly thought we could be together. Now I’m living with this pain and confusion that repeats in my head everyday like a cassette tape. My thoughts are trapping me. And when I try to not think about it, it comes up in my dreams. I truly do love him. And if we can’t be together— so be it. But I really want him to be happy. I’m trying to not be selfish about this. Edited November 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 OP, I too have dated "seperated" women and it's something I will never do again. Accept the fact that hes working on salvaging his marriage, but don't accept being his Plan B. Move on with your life and go no contact. Unfortunately, people like him are what I call emotional super vacuums. They suck the life blood out of others around them and dont care about the residual damage. Ultimately it's about setting boundaries. Aspire to be another man's priority, not just an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Cojack123 Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Coming from a similar situation of being that man who separated I can tell you I was totally done and moved on from my ex wife. It may have moved faster then is comfortable for other people but i followed my heart and I love the girl I’m with whole heartedly. I have my own insecurities from the past relationship and trauma but if he is serious he will take action to show that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Read the thread by Lilkitkat, it will show you exactly what you can expect, how this will end for you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Well, kind of. My situation was somewhat similar. It is pretty much like any other unwanted painful breakup. Go NC for starters. You'll drive yourself to madness trying to find all the red flags and why you didn't see and action these issues as they were unfolding. Mine moved back for 'financial reasons.' I have no idea if they are working on their M but it doesn't matter. He is there. Ways to get through that? Reading LS helped. Being around friends and family was key. I went for counselling but didn't get much from those sessions. And thank gawd for NFL football. My Monday, Thursday and Sunday hobby! Then, once the shock wore off, I learned a very valuable lesson: NEVER date a separated man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisFoolish Posted November 23, 2018 Author Share Posted November 23, 2018 Read the thread by Lilkitkat, it will show you exactly what you can expect, how this will end for you... Thank you. I’m not looking for the outcome as I know what it is. I’m just looking for people who relate and ways to cope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisFoolish Posted November 23, 2018 Author Share Posted November 23, 2018 Well, kind of. My situation was somewhat similar. It is pretty much like any other unwanted painful breakup. Go NC for starters. You'll drive yourself to madness trying to find all the red flags and why you didn't see and action these issues as they were unfolding. Mine moved back for 'financial reasons.' I have no idea if they are working on their M but it doesn't matter. He is there. Ways to get through that? Reading LS helped. Being around friends and family was key. I went for counselling but didn't get much from those sessions. And thank gawd for NFL football. My Monday, Thursday and Sunday hobby! Then, once the shock wore off, I learned a very valuable lesson: NEVER date a separated man. Thank you. Do you have any specific threads that are helpful to read? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisFoolish Posted November 23, 2018 Author Share Posted November 23, 2018 Coming from a similar situation of being that man who separated I can tell you I was totally done and moved on from my ex wife. It may have moved faster then is comfortable for other people but i followed my heart and I love the girl I’m with whole heartedly. I have my own insecurities from the past relationship and trauma but if he is serious he will take action to show that. I’m glad you knew what you wanted and went for it— I wish more people could be like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Cojack123 Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 I’m glad you knew what you wanted and went for it— I wish more people could be like that. Yes it is. It comes with so many draw backs and consequences but happiness can not be measured. Toxic relationships cause toxic families. Breaking that is important. Also you can’t “change” anyone, only they can change themselves. If you want to know more about my story feel free to message me. I get a lot of negativity from publicly posting about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisFoolish Posted November 23, 2018 Author Share Posted November 23, 2018 Yes it is. It comes with so many draw backs and consequences but happiness can not be measured. Toxic relationships cause toxic families. Breaking that is important. Also you can’t “change” anyone, only they can change themselves. If you want to know more about my story feel free to message me. I get a lot of negativity from publicly posting about it. Yes I am interested in hearing your story. I’m not quite sure how to message you though— my apologies, I’m new. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Here's the short cut... https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/669303-separation-issues-ex-custody-payment-dss-etc And if I may, I suggest that you read this, if you haven't already... https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/667274-never-thought-i-d-ow-long-post Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Cojack123 Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 Yes I am interested in hearing your story. I’m not quite sure how to message you though— my apologies, I’m new. That is the short cut. It’s amazing how judge mental people get when your in an emotionally abusive relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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