Why are older (single) men taboo?

[hothannah]

I’ve had a crush a couple of times on older men; I mean 20 to 30 years older. They were married so I didn’t do anything about it. However when I told friends and family about my feelings they were really negative.

 

Why?

 

It seems like today everything imaginable is OK. We don’t dare judge anyone’s sexual preferences so long as it involves consenting adults.

 

Except this.

 

So here’s what I have been told.

 

It’s creepy.

What does that even mean?

 

Old men are ugly.

95% true but there are some exceptions. Take George Clooney.

 

People will think you are crazy.

I prefer to do what’s right for me not what people think is right for me.

 

He’ll treat you badly.

Millions of women are in abusive relationships with men their own age. Have you got any proof the odds are worse in age gap relationships?

 

He’ll be dead in twenty years.

If I hook up with a guy my own age how much chance is there that we’ll still be together in 20 years?

 

So what exactly is the problem?

 

To me this sounds a lot like the attitude people had 60 years ago about white women dating black men. “Are you crazy? You just can’t do that.”

[Lorenza]

Those men were married. Getting involved with them makes you a home wrecker. Besides, at 18 years old there is not much more you can offer a man 30 years your senior except your body. That is what makes it creepy. A normal person wouldn't be interested in someone child-like (no matter how "mature" you think you are) and would look for mental stimulation as well as sexual.

If you think you can be with someone 20-30 years older than you and not get burned, you're overestimating yourself greatly.

[Lorenza]

So to sum it up - older men are "taboo" for your own good.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, how old are you, OP?

 

Decades between a very young woman and a much older man (or vice versa) does matter in terms of where you're both at in life and your respective experiences. It can be difficult to make that work when you have grown up in different contexts and have different perspectives on the important things.

 

Yes, sometimes it can and does work. But people might be concerned for reasons beyond looks or losing your man when you're still young.

 

EDIT: I just saw in your other thread that you are 18. People are rightfully worried about you going after men decades older than you. Your're far too young to be taken seriously by men in their 30s and 40s. Sorry, but it's true.

Edited November 23, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

An old guy is taboo because if he's going after someone your age, it means that women his own age won't have anything to do with him. If he truly is attracted to you, then he's a perpetual child who you will grow out of too soon.

[hothannah]

Ok I understand. Older men who date young girls are terrible people.

 

I guess that makes all older men pretty terrible considering that the average age for beauty queens, Playboy centerfolds and porn actresses seems to be kind of on the young side. Like my age. And “good, normal” older men don’t seem to be clamoring for 50 year old Grandmother America pageants.

 

And how about this statistic:

 

In 1997 2,519 homicides were committed in the United States by people aged 20 to 24. Exactly the age everyone says I should be dating if I’m smart. 421 homicides were committed by people 50 to 54. Which is the age everyone says I’m crazy for dating.

 

https://www.statista.com/statistics/251884/murder-offenders-in-the-us-by-age/#0

 

And this refers mainly to men since about 75% of homicide offenders are male.

 

https://www.statista.com/statistics/251886/murder-offenders-in-the-us-by-gender/

 

So it’s sounds to me like it’s a lot safer for a girl to be with an older guy than a younger guy and it is normal for older guys to be attracted to young girls.

 

So again what exactly am I missing here? I should be chasing boys who are very possibly going to rape, beat or kill me rather than cuddling up with a cute and single 50 year old who will never hurt a fly?

[TheFinalWord]

I’ve had a crush a couple of times on older men; I mean 20 to 30 years older. They were married so I didn’t do anything about it. However when I told friends and family about my feelings they were really negative.

 

Why?

 

It seems like today everything imaginable is OK. We don’t dare judge anyone’s sexual preferences so long as it involves consenting adults.

 

Except this.

 

So here’s what I have been told.

 

It’s creepy.

What does that even mean?

 

Old men are ugly.

95% true but there are some exceptions. Take George Clooney.

 

People will think you are crazy.

I prefer to do what’s right for me not what people think is right for me.

 

He’ll treat you badly.

Millions of women are in abusive relationships with men their own age. Have you got any proof the odds are worse in age gap relationships?

 

He’ll be dead in twenty years.

If I hook up with a guy my own age how much chance is there that we’ll still be together in 20 years?

 

So what exactly is the problem?

 

To me this sounds a lot like the attitude people had 60 years ago about white women dating black men. “Are you crazy? You just can’t do that.”

 

People believe that older men are taking advantage of your youth. As though a woman that is young is naive in some way. Give me a break! It's the same reason no one care when a attractive female teacher has sex with one of her students, but if a guy does it with a female student, he's the scum of the earth.

 

Being attracted to an older man is totally natural. I'm a professor, in really good shape, and I get hit on and asked out by 19, 20 year old students all the time. I never do anything about it, but the reason the attraction is there is due to a totally natural concept called hypergamy.

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypergamy#Mating_preferences

 

 

Men tend to be attached to youth and beauty. Evolutionary speaking, a young, attractive woman has strong genes and would be likely to survive child birth. It's etched in our DNA.

 

Evolutionary speaking, women are attracted to a man with resources. An older man tends to have more resources and if he has made it this far, his genes must be in the top tier and your offspring are more likely to be successful.

 

I'm not saying we're slaves to our genes, but these biological drivers are there and so it's not weird for you to be attracted.

[kamani]

I was as crazy as you are when in my twenties, fortunately couldn't take anything further than flirting with older men. Other than those other posters told you these are the reasons why you shouldn't-

 

1. Men tend to deteriorate in health earlier than women. After 50 health problems starts and he is likely to get chronic illnesses and you are likely to look after a sick person at a younger age, when you should be doing other things.

 

2. At some stage sexual attraction will fade and he is likely to get jealous when you are young and he is old.

 

3. When you are 25 and he is like 50 your sex drives are not likely to match and he will not be enough for you.

 

4. Again in peri menopause (may be in forties) , some women's sex drive doubles and a man of 65 or 70 will hardly be able to cater those sexual needs.

 

5. Now you find him attractive at 45 or 50, but you are likely to get tired and sick of him when he is feeble, old and sick while you are still in quite good health and fit, when you are 45 or 50.

[Andy_K]

It sounds like you've done your research. There's nothing wrong with it so long as you're aware of the consequences.

 

If you get into a serious relationship, your long term plans (marriage, kids, travelling, whatever) are unlikely to match his.

 

The bigger the age gap, the sooner you'll be in a relationship with a pensioner while you're still young and healthy.

 

If you've given serious consideration to this and all the other points raised in this thread, and you're still set on it, then go for it. There are plenty of couples out there who are happy with their age gaps.

[elaine567]

So what exactly is the problem?

 

 

1) Different life stages, goals, priorities...

2) Baggage

3) Ageing

 

I guess are the main issues in big age gap relationships.

[hotpotato]

Hi, Hannah, I've dated several older men. It's you're prerogative. You're 18 and no one can stop you.

 

There are a few men in their 50s who still look good. There are plenty of flabby, out of shape 20 something men.

 

They do have different issues like worrying about retirement. If you'd like to ask me anything, feel free.

 

To be real, I don't get the impression that older men want to date women their own age!

[d0nnivain]

You like who you like. If you have enough sense to weed out the inappropriate ones -- those older men who are chasing young girls because they can't handle a mature partner or who are fulfilling some sort of Peter Pan fantasy, using the younger women to feel young again themselves, -- date whoever you want & tell all the naysayers to go jump in a lake

 

Do understand the long term issues with such a partner:

• His colleagues will resent you
   
  
• He may not want more children
   
  
• You could end up being a caregiver
  

 

If you are going into this with your eyes wide open & not to fulfill some daddy issues of your own, date who you like & enjoy.

[nospam99]

To be real, I don't get the impression that older men want to date women their own age!

 

LOL ... THIS 'older man' (64) wants to date a woman who can and will dance with, hike with, and ski with me. I'd also very much like to develop a loving and lusty LTR with that type of partner. While I don't care how old this yet-to-be-identified woman may be, 'to be real' I don't see it 'working out' with a woman young and fertile enough to want to become a mother. I don't expect to be able to keep up with children I might father for the next 20 years nor to have enough money (left) to send them to college.

 

So, yeah, a 20 or greater year age difference with a dating partner presents problems. On the other hand I have yet to meet a woman my own age who can keep up with me physically. Oldest, so far, have been a couple of 60s and 61s who are heavily into yoga.

[brigit87]

So again what exactly am I missing here? I should be chasing boys who are very possibly going to rape, beat or kill me rather than cuddling up with a cute and single 50 year old who will never hurt a fly?

 

LOL!

 

Really???

 

Go cuddle up with this dude:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Ridgway

[Gretchen12]

Isn't "taboo" exactly what you like about it?

 

You want an older man because of his age. This not the same as falling in love with a man despite his age.

 

Taboo turns you on!

[stillafool]

Just get yourself an old man. Make sure he isn't married. Good luck.

[guest569]

They were married.

It's not even taboo. Older women are taboo. Older men are the norm. I like younger men, or same age, they are less likely to be outlived. But tonnes of young women date men much older.

[Kitty Tantrum]

If I could go back in time and smack myself upside the head for disqualifying older men as potential suitors when I was 18-19 just because society says it's "weird," I WOULD.

 

I've known too many men who were 10, 20, 30 years my senior and have taken better care of themselves and are in better health now in their later years than my ex-husband who is mid-30s. I can't buy into the idea that an older man will necessarily become frail too soon in the relationship for it to work. I've seen with my own eyes that it doesn't always work out that way. An older man with a well-established habit of minding his health is a better bet than a young man with poor habits who is coasting on the resilience of his youth.

 

It's also insulting and untrue, I think, to say that all a younger woman can offer an older man is her body. I bring the same things to the table in a relationship now as I did when I was 18. The only extras age has granted me are children and emotional baggage from a previous marriage, neither of which necessarily (if ever) equips a person better for future commitment.

 

The idea that young women don't have as much to offer is predicated on the notion that they're "supposed" to establish independent lives and careers and prepare to contribute financially in the marriage/household, and all sorts of other ideas that are not necessary reflective of how any particular young woman wants to live her life. This is rubbish for a couple of reasons:

 

1. Not every woman wants or is suited to the role of joint-breadwinner, and not every man wants a joint-breadwinner for a wife. A young woman can be quite well prepared to step into traditional domestic/married life by the time she reaches adulthood. A young woman who wants this sort of life may be much better off with an older man who knows that's what he wants and is established and prepared to support her in that role. I can tell you from experience that a young man might SAY he wants that kind of marriage, but then change his mind later because he really had no idea what he wanted beyond sex.

 

2. A young woman who does want a career is likely to receive better advice, support, direction, etc. from an older man who has a good deal of experience in the workforce than from a young man who is still learning to navigate it himself. She is also less likely to be forced by financial pressures to enter into or remain in an unhealthy/toxic employment situation if her husband has at least a minimal amount of financial security.

 

Bottom line, it all comes down to what you want in life and who is able and willing to partner up and help you get it. And vice versa.

 

Personally, at 32, I have HAD IT with men my own age. Never again if I can help it. My fiancé is 15 years older. He's also in excellent health. God forbid I should ever have to start over with someone else, that's probably my MINIMUM. For a man closer to my own age to have a shot, I'd have to be seriously impressed by his maturity.

 

I'm not after wealth or a cushy lifestyle, just a man who wants a woman who doesn't work for someone else. I don't mind a simple life, if that's what it takes, and I think a lot of younger men are too easily charmed by the lucrative dual-income consumer lifestyle to actually be okay with that arrangement once the reality of it sets in.

 

My fiancé has already HAD his younger years of high earnings and relatively few obligations. He knows what that's like, and he knows that now he would rather provide for a wife and family than have a bunch of expensive things. He has established both his willingness and his ability to do that, even though it means being a little bit poor for a while.

 

I wouldn't take back the life I've lived or the things I've gained and learned from it, but I might have saved myself a lot of trouble and heartache if I had allowed myself to accept once upon a time that older men are attractive for some very sound and sensible reasons.

[snowboy91]

And how about this statistic:

 

In 1997 2,519 homicides were committed in the United States by people aged 20 to 24. Exactly the age everyone says I should be dating if I’m smart. 421 homicides were committed by people 50 to 54. Which is the age everyone says I’m crazy for dating.

 

https://www.statista.com/statistics/251884/murder-offenders-in-the-us-by-age/#0

 

And this refers mainly to men since about 75% of homicide offenders are male.

 

https://www.statista.com/statistics/251886/murder-offenders-in-the-us-by-gender/

 

So it’s sounds to me like it’s a lot safer for a girl to be with an older guy than a younger guy and it is normal for older guys to be attracted to young girls.

 

So again what exactly am I missing here? I should be chasing boys who are very possibly going to rape, beat or kill me rather than cuddling up with a cute and single 50 year old who will never hurt a fly?

 

Let's turn those statistics on their head. How many people in the US are aged 20 to 24? It's about 20 million. Therefore the odds of a random person in that age bracket committing a homicide is about 1 in 100,000. And that's assuming the homicides in the statistics are all committed by different people.

 

I don't judge you for feeling attracted to older guys, but to say younger guys are deadly or rapists is a little dangerous given the vast majority are harmless. I feel as if you're getting a bit too bogged down in statistics you read about, so I'll ask the same question I did in your other thread - do your experiences match what you've read above?

[preraph]

Because their only attraction to you will be physical and taking advantage of your naivety. And they will likely have kids and complications you probably will not want to deal with. Unless they have arrested development, they won't really connect with you mentally because they're far more mature. I dated some younger guys and they were often irresponsible. Some of them it was as simple as they only wanted to eat McNuggets and I like decent food.

 

That said, do what you want to do, but stay away from married guys. And realize they will totally lie about whether they are married or in a relationship to have sex with a young woman. You'll learn.

[elaine567]

Seems you are under the misapprehension that older guys are all cute, cuddly fatherly and harmless.

Truth is you get the same spread of losers, users, cheaters, players, dbags, nice guys and lovely genuine decent guys that you get in every age group.

[Kitty Tantrum]

TRUTH. There are exceptionally good and exceptionally bad apples in every barrel. Neither is the norm.

 

Predatory behavior is neither grown into nor out of as a matter of course.

[Garcon1986]

You are not weird for wanting maturity. You will have to be ready to accept the consequences of dating older which are:

 

- an older man might not be able to connect mentally with you. I'm not here to make fun of you in particular, but if I talk to an 18 year old, and I find out she's into Taylor Swift, and does a little exercise, and that's all she has, I'm pretty unattracted to her. I'm 32.

 

- you will be meeting a greater proportion of married men. Some of these men have enough social skills to cheat you and dupe you into thinking that you are the only lady for him, when in fact they want easy sex with some hot tail to spice up their life. You will experience one of the worst hurts in your life if you fall for one of these guys.

 

- there are weirdos and wankers amongst older guys just like with younger guys. It will be up to your internal barometer of a judge of character, whichever age you pick.

 

- you might find a young lad close to your age, wise beyond his years. Everybody has made the mistake of looking over a diamond in the rough because he or she was awkward.

 

- In the end remember there was a psychology experiment done on college students, labelling 100 men and 100 women from 1-200. They were told by the experimenters that the couple with the largest summed score (based on the numbers on their back) will win. No person was allowed to read the number on their back, but all were allowed to read the numbers on other people's back. The time limit was one hour. The social group quickly gravitated into everybody vying for 180-200's attention, and the 1-50s all being alone. Statistically the "hottest by number" people were still unable to get their equal. You might do well if you can accept a little less maturity for a quality gentleman overall, and a little less physical attraction for overall satisfaction.

[Mr. Lucky]

You should date any older gent you like except those that have an interest in dating you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hothannah]

I guess what’s surprised and bothered me is that older man/younger woman relationships seem to be so vehemently condemned socially. Generally these days liberal people tend to judge others as individuals and not condemn large groups as all having certain issues. Like saying all blacks are stupid or all Jews are cheap. It’s called “bigotry”. However when it comes to middle aged men who are attracted to young women (by the way all men are attracted to young women; unless they are gay in which case they are attracted to young men) many people have no problem with hurtling insults and negative stereotypes.

 

I don’t think the reverse is so much true. A 50 year old lady with a twenty year old boyfriend I think is generally looked at more favorably. She’s a cougar! You go girl!

 

I get the impression it’s a feminist thing. The older man is “obviously” not going to take the young girl seriously, will have far more power in the relationship, will be controlling and abusive. Dating a man who could your father is patriarchal which is bad not feminist which is good. The opposite however, older woman/young man, that’s empowering.

 

So I’m not a militant feminist. So what?