Why are older (single) men taboo?

[Garcon1986]

Hannah there's going to be social views about everything wherever you go. Just date who you feel most attracted to, but beware of the consequences of dating outside the usual typical relationship styles. You've got support here if things go wrong. You don't have to let anybody here discourage you if you have your heart set on a 55 year old. Just beware of what you are getting yourself into.

[hothannah]

Thank you I appreciate that.

 

I guess I feel I am being pressured by family and friends to reject a certain class of people and I don’t see the logic behind it.

 

If people would tell me not to date convicted violent felons, men who are actively involved in the illegal drug trade or severe alcoholics and if I choose to do so they will never speak to me again, I think I could see their point.

 

But when people close to me tell me not to date someone born before 1985 and if I choose to do so they will never speak to me again, I’m really shocked. How is that really different than saying I cannot date outside my own race for example, because we’ll have nothing in common, he just wants sex and it’s weird? Isn’t this just bigotry?

[Garcon1986]

So you might run into fierce family opposition like I did if you date a older man (obviously as a man, I did not date an older man). Ask yourself are you ready to stand up to fights every day for your new darling? Are you ready to abandon your family if it came to it, that you adored your man that much?

[basil67]

How is that really different than saying I cannot date outside my own race for example, because we’ll have nothing in common, he just wants sex and it’s weird? Isn’t this just bigotry?

 

Dating outside your race may be fine. Or it could be a minefield of disagreements regarding religion and tradition. While I would never prevent my daughter from dating outside her own race, if that person had religious or cultural values which were completely different to the progressive Western ones she's been raised with, we'd have grave concerns.

 

As for dating old guys, I've seen women do it. The guys who date young tend to be having a mid-life crisis or are permanent man child. Those relationships fall apart as the women outgrow the men. When you're older, it will be different again because you'll have enough life experience to know what you want. When my father in law was 75, he dated a 55yo woman. They lasted until she died. But both of them were living the same kind of life and wanted the same things.

 

When I was 17, I dated a 28yo briefly. It was a summer fling and I still remember him fondly. Yes, it can be fun to step outside your age group. But it turned out that he wanted a settled down relationship (a 28yo life). He wanted me to move away from my home and travel to where he lived before I'd even had a chance to establish myself. And establishing oneself in terms of education, career, and identity is what a 17yo needs to do.

 

Your old guy is going to be wanting to do those old people cruises in Europe while you will want to go back packing. Or if he wants to do the back packing thing, you'll find he still wants the life of a young person when you're ready to have kids.

[hothannah]

No I’m not. But I am angry and confused about why I have to make that choice.

[basil67]

No I’m not. But I am angry and confused about why I have to make that choice.

 

So how old is this older man who wants to date you?

[hothannah]

That’s like asking “How black is this man you want to date” isn’t it?

[hothannah]

“The guys who date young tend to be having a mid-life crisis or are permanent man child.“

 

And I could generalize and say that young men who date young women tend to be immature, irresponsible and often violent based on crime statistics.

 

Why do we generally discourage bigotry except regarding older men? Or at least that’s the impression I get.

 

In the earlier post I meant no I’m not prepared to face rejection by everyone in my life for the sake of someone older however I am interested in knowing why I’m forced to make that choice.

[basil67]

That’s like asking “How black is this man you want to date” isn’t it?

 

No, it's like asking if the person who comes from a patriarchal society shares those views too.

 

I'm trying to understand why you're being forced to make this choice now. Who is this guy we're talking about? What does he tell you about why he wants to be with you? And what do you love so much about him?

[Garcon1986]

Your family might fiercely oppose this because they think you will get into a nasty situation. Being angry at them usually only makes them oppose you more vehemently. The right thing to do in that scenario is to answer with wisdom beyond your years. If you really have your heart set on an older bloke dive right in. Just beware of the consequences of getting things wrong. Don’t forget to build and establish yourself at the same time; neglecting that is unacceptable in anybody’s book.

[hothannah]

I don’t have anyone particular in mind but I have been interested in older men in the past and now that I’m living independently I can see it as a definite possibility.

 

I think someone older, provided he’s in very good shape for his age, might be physically attractive, wiser, more mature, more responsible, more interesting, more monogamous and a better lover.

 

If he is in fact like that then he might be a good choice however I am going to have to say no because my friends and family will not accept it. And the arguments I’m hearing so far sound to me like pure bigotry no different than the racism of an earlier era.

 

Yes it may all end badly but how many same age relationships end up horrifically? What proof is there that age gap is so much worse on the average?

Edited November 25, 2018 by hothannah

[basil67]

I think someone older, provided he’s in very good shape for his age, might be physically attractive, wiser, more mature, more responsible, more interesting, more monogamous and a better lover.

 

With the exception of physical attractiveness. a guy who is all these things you list above simply won't be interested in you. And it will be because of the maturity you desire. The old guy who's interested in you will be by nature less wise, less mature and less responsible.

 

And no, there's no proof that it won't go wrong. Just anecdotal evidence. People my age....we've seen it happen repeatedly. The most recent one I saw was our 40yo friend who was recently divorced and took up with a 20yo. We treated them with respect, but we knew all along that it was just a temporary salve to his recent divorce. They lasted about two months then he married and had children with someone of his own age.

[hothannah]

The old guy who's interested in you will be by nature less wise, less mature and less responsible.

 

Ok, I understand what you are saying. However if that’s true, then where are beauty pageants and magazine centerfolds featuring 50 year old ladies? There should be millions of wise, mature, responsible 50 year old men clamoring for that, as they switch off the Miss America pageants in disgust because those girls are so uninteresting.

 

Somehow I’m not sure they are so uninterested. They may be smart enough to pretend to be uninterested because our society prohibits patriarchal relationships. We are supposed to have equal relationships, which almost always end horribly. Why did he get divorced from the first wife after all? Probably she was his age.

[basil67]

Ah, I have made the mistake of many old people before me: Thinking that we can get young people to learn by the mistakes we've done and seen others do. But I realise now that you need to go and make your own mistakes and learn as you go. It's all part of your growing process and it's completely normal.

 

Have fun and live well.

[hothannah]

I appreciate everyone’s advice however, and anyone who wishes to can tell me where I am wrong, almost every single argument people have made here against older man/young girl relationship sounds eerily like this:

 

It is clear from the most recent available evidence on the psychosociological aspect of this question that intermarried families are subjected to much greater pressures and problems than those of the intra-married, and that the state's prohibition of interracial marriage for this reason stands on the same footing as the prohibition of polygamous marriage, or incestuous marriage, or the prescription of minimum ages at which people may marry and the prevention of the marriage of people who are mentally incompetent.

 

That’s a quote from Virginia's assistant attorney general at the time, R.D. McIlwaine addressing the Supreme Court in 1966.

 

https://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2013/04/25/178660998/Once-Under-Wraps-Supreme-Court-Audio-Trove-Now-Online

 

I have no doubt that Mr McIlwaine was absolutely serious and sincere.

 

But it’s a just lot of nonsense based on bigotry.

 

Southern whites until very recently had very clear ideas about black men which they just knew were true. They knew that if black men got their hands on naive young white girls nothing but tragedy could follow.

 

Today apparently we have very clear and very similar ideas about middle aged men which we just know are true.

 

In 1960 I would not have dated a black man and today, our bigotries having shifted, I’m not going to date a 40 or 50 year old. I’m not prepared to fight my entire society and become a pariah, but I am prepared to say that sometimes my society is unfair and stupid.

[elaine567]

I think someone older, provided he’s in very good shape for his age, might be physically attractive, wiser, more mature, more responsible, more interesting, more monogamous and a better lover.

 

If he is in fact like that then he might be a good choice however I am going to have to say no because my friends and family will not accept it. And the arguments I’m hearing so far sound to me like pure bigotry no different than the racism of an earlier era.

 

If you can find one like that who is out hunting for 18yos, then great but good luck with that...

[hothannah]

The link to the Supreme Court case quoted above should be

 

https://www.encyclopediavirginia.org/Excerpts_from_a_Transcript_of_Oral_Arguments_in_Loving_v_Virginia_April_10_1967

 

The date was April 10, 1967.

[hothannah]

If you can find one like that who is out hunting for 18yos, then great but good luck with that...

 

If he’s single and the social stigma doesn’t bother him, show me one who isn’t. lol.

[hotpotato]

I don’t have anyone particular in mind but I have been interested in older men in the past and now that I’m living independently I can see it as a definite possibility.

 

I think someone older, provided he’s in very good shape for his age, might be physically attractive, wiser, more mature, more responsible, more interesting, more monogamous and a better lover.

 

If he is in fact like that then he might be a good choice however I am going to have to say no because my friends and family will not accept it. And the arguments I’m hearing so far sound to me like pure bigotry no different than the racism of an earlier era.

 

Yes it may all end badly but how many same age relationships end up horrifically? What proof is there that age gap is so much worse on the average?

More monogamous? Lol no.

In fact, you may meet an older guy who trades you in for someone even younger than yourself.

A young woman shouldn't expect a man to treat her like a prize bc she's much younger.

 

What is this discrimination against older men? Frankly, I think aging women have a much harder time in society. How many young men are clamoring to date a woman 20, 30 years older?

[FMW]

Date whomever you want. If you aren't interested in any particular person at this moment, it sounds like maybe you're just enjoying winding up your family about the possibility. And maybe winding us up a bit

 

You'll figure things out for yourself along the way.

[hothannah]

More monogamous? Lol no.

In fact, you may meet an older guy who trades you in for someone even younger than yourself.

A young woman shouldn't expect a man to treat her like a prize bc she's much younger.

 

What is this discrimination against older men? Frankly, I think aging women have a much harder time in society. How many young men are clamoring to date a woman 20, 30 years older?

 

As far as monogamy goes, I think younger guys have more options and therefore are more likely to cheat. Maybe I’m wrong. And about trading in, let’s face it. In today’s world people generally go through a series of sexual relationships lasting between 10 minutes and 10 years.

 

As far as discrimination against older men what I mean is that for them to have a much younger partner seems to be more despised than a woman having a much younger partner. He’s a dirty old man. She’s a cougar.

[elaine567]

As far as monogamy goes, I think younger guys have more options and therefore are more likely to cheat. Maybe I’m wrong.

 

 

Spend some time on the OM/OW forum. plenty older guys in their 40s and 50s cheating on their wives and gfs there.

 

Some people are naturally monogamous others aren't, age has little to do with it.

[maxi105]

hi hanah. ive only just read your original post so ill give a few thoughts on that rather than going over pages of replies! I probably should do that and read them, but im not sure its gonna change my thoughts for this topic so apologies for not reading the whole thing fully.

 

your post talks of "single men" older being taboo. my thoughts are as long as they are good, kind, decent, respectful people and you "both" are in genuinely love and its not an underage (illegal) thing then it shouldn't really matter what others think. if you try and it doesn't work out then ok, then you tried and you did what you thought was right at the time and hurt no one if you are both single and loved each other.

 

if you have hurt, upset friends or relatives or collegues whatever, that's their problem. love is love if its mutually respectful, consentual etc and true, so sometimes you just have to get on with things and let others come round to it.

 

 

some people are going to critisice a partner for whatever reason, jelousy, fear, bigotry, racism, ignorance, on looks, no job or whatever. if theres no danger or harm don't take it on what they are saying.

 

 

some people even lose family sadly over their choices of lover!!!! that's sad and says a lot about those people especially if the person is loving and kind.

but it is them that will lose out later in life as the years go on.

 

most people though even if they disapprove at the start, soon realise that the other person they don't like isn't probably going to leave if its true love, and they come round (even in small actions to concede).

 

the best way to shut people up who cant be happy for you is to prove them wrong by having a happy successful and loving relationship and just get on with it.

 

the truth is that most people don't really know what other peoples relatiosnhips are about anyway, so if you've got something good, even if it cant last then enjoy it at the time and to hell with the negative, insecure folks that think only this type should go with that type, only that social status must look at the same type, those without work don't belong with a self starter with endless capital or he's way too young or she's way too old whatever....they are not with that person!!!!! so how could they know.

 

even people who were thought to be childhood sweethearts and have been together decades and were deemed suitable, don't always make it!!!!!

 

if you find happiness (with a male or female or non gendered specific individual) and the other person is just as happy with you - then why listen long enough to let others try and stop it.

 

so many couples out there look an odd match, but that's probably because they are more open and realistic and mature and knowing about what true love is....its not what the media wants to feed you!!!!!! its not about what the folks of the neighbourhood think, its not about going out of your enthicity or age range (if its legal) its about real people with real emotions and care.

 

 

ok, that's my take on it. if you are getting flack for liking older men, don't let it get you down. you like what you like and I suspect the people that know you (whether they like it or not) already know that! so be true to yourself and to your heart and you will probably feel a lot happier than complying to what others want or expect you to be.

 

 

going with people for the sake of it or worse, getting together with them when you know you don't really love them is a far worse thing; and usually ends up hurting people needlessly because it makes your heart feel deeply unhappy in the end, and you end up leaving kind people or staying with them in a cowardly fearful way because other people want or expect you to fit into a little social box!!!!!! and to me that isn't love.its a reciepie for unhappiness …..and even the people that are around you will also notice that you are not that happy anymore, whether they will admit their part in how you feel...they will know it.

 

 

as for the taboo thing! if we all listened to every taboo going...we wouldn't have got far as a whole race would we..... sure there are good taboos, cheeky ones and some down right dangerous criminal ones.... but a love that is caring, true, kind, moral = (ie they are single/free) age-legal and consenting and hurts no one isn't really a taboo is it?????

 

even where things happen that may be age problematic, its all part of it, and I cant think many people don't go into an age gap (or different kind of relationship) without even or ever thinking about the consequences or potential backlash or nasty ignorant or just palin dumb comments from people who get to find out if they don't like it.

 

if you have love or have the chance to explore it and you think it might make you happy they just go for it. live your life....love isn't guaranteed so you have to do all you can to put yourself into it with all your heart and go for it if the other is equally willing and happy for that too.

 

besides, are those with the endless negative comments about different types of relationships really that happy in their own personal lives? because if they were, would they be so very focused on other people's private or love lives?????

 

 

it all depends on the individuals in love and their maturity and desire to be together and ability to deal with things properly.

 

but like any relationship thing, i think if they are married....then its not to be encouraged! and unwise to even think of going there. things must be done properly and with respect so people are not hurt for fun, because you cant communicate properly or treated cruelly out of frustration - where love is concerned.

 

ok, just another thought to the post. take care and best wishes. maxi.

[hothannah]

Thank you. That’s very positive. But it’s really hard to go against what “everyone knows” is bad. I wonder how many white girls in 1960 America had the guts to date a black guy. Besides being brainwashed against it so you won’t even consider it to begin with.

 

I really like that movie “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guess_Who%27s_Coming_to_Dinner

 

Just fifty years ago in LIBERAL white American families interracial marriage was very controversial and the black fiancé’s motives were very suspect. Why doesn’t he want to marry his own kind? There must be something wrong with him. Sound familiar?

Edited November 25, 2018 by hothannah

[anika99]

Ok, I understand what you are saying. However if that’s true, then where are beauty pageants and magazine centerfolds featuring 50 year old ladies? There should be millions of wise, mature, responsible 50 year old men clamoring for that, as they switch off the Miss America pageants in disgust because those girls are so uninteresting.

 

Somehow I’m not sure they are so uninterested. They may be smart enough to pretend to be uninterested because our society prohibits patriarchal relationships. We are supposed to have equal relationships, which almost always end horribly. Why did he get divorced from the first wife after all? Probably she was his age.

 

Lol...you're sort of doing the same thing you're accusing everyone else of doing here. Makin assumptions and hinting that older women couldn't possibly be as attractive to older men as young women are.

 

First of all this is the second time you have mentioned older men and beauty pageants. Lol, I've never met a man who's just dying to watch the Miss America pageant. Most men find beauty pageants boring. I'm sure some men like them but I'm pretty sure the majority of beauty pageant viewers are female.

 

Secondly you should google mature porn. There's tons of it on the Internet and it wouldn't exist if no men were sexually interested in mature women. And there are also plenty of mature porn magazines.

 

Statistics show that women file initiate divorce more than men do. So if a man is divorced there is a good chance that his wife made that choice.

 

All that being said I agree that pretty much all men, of all ages like to look at beautiful young women. However a truly mature wise man knows that there is a heck of a lot more needed than beauty to have and maintain a happy successful relationship. If a man is chasing you solely based on your looks you won't hold his interests for long as there's always other beautiful women catching his interests. In this age of Internet dating and hook up sites it isn't hard for attractive men to find the next one he wants to bed down.

 

I think you should date whomever you want. If older men are your thing then go for it. However I do think that that as you mature and gain experience you will come to understand why a young woman getting seriously involved with a man 30 yrs older than her isn't always ideal.

Edited November 25, 2018 by anika99