Apathy and physical weakness after loss

[Lorenza]

I have lost a loved one almost 2 weeks ago, along with other deeply saddening things that followed. I feel like my happy place is gone forever and everything has suddenly changed. This is my first loss of this magnitude and I'm not dealing well. Right now I'm at the point of not wanting to deal with the world, skipping lectures (although I force myself to work a little bit), eating unhealthy food and losing myself in countless videos on Youtube. I don't want to see my friends and their cheerful messages irritate me. I also avoid telling them how I reallly feel (nobody wants to hear someone's sad ramblings) so I end up not opening the messages at all. My body is weak and the exhaustion is not going away.

I guess I can't really accept what has happened. I live abroad and it still feels that nothing has really changed back home, but it has and I cannot comprehend it fully.

 

Would appreciate if someone could tell me how your grief went and what you've experienced along the way.

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Lorenza.

 

I am sorry for your loss.

 

The process of working through grief tends to be different for everyone. I get that finding the motivation might be very difficult, but have you considered joining a bereavement group -

- through a local funeral home, or place of worship, or 'Meet-up' group.

 

Sending you Comfort.

[d0nnivain]

Talk to your school. Tell them about your grandmother's death. Ask if you can take some incompletes & finish the course work next semester when you are feeling emotionally stronger.

 

 

Everybody grieves differently. Let yourself feel whatever emotion you are experiencing.

 

 

Hang in there.

[Lorenza]

Hi, Lorenza.

 

I am sorry for your loss.

 

The process of working through grief tends to be different for everyone. I get that finding the motivation might be very difficult, but have you considered joining a bereavement group -

- through a local funeral home, or place of worship, or 'Meet-up' group.

 

Sending you Comfort.

 

Thank you... I've checked out some support groups, but all are quite far away from me, I live 1 h away from the city and it's difficult to drag myself out of my home or my area at the moment the local church doesn't have any. I wrote to a pastor at my university but haven't got an answer yet

[Lorenza]

Talk to your school. Tell them about your grandmother's death. Ask if you can take some incompletes & finish the course work next semester when you are feeling emotionally stronger.

 

 

Everybody grieves differently. Let yourself feel whatever emotion you are experiencing.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

I might not have enough points to continue to the next course, so I'm pushing myself to do some of the schoolwork, a couple of classmates helped me out, but it won't help me pass the exam, so I guess I'll have to retake it anyway.

I feel like I'm disappointing my grandmother. I've lived far away for so many years without any clear results (I was chasing a different career - to no avail), while I could have lived close to her and my mom instead. I was seeing her on Christmas, easter and a month during summer. I've wasted so much precious time on nothing

[Timshel]

I, like many folks, have lost a lot of people. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, my dad and one of my brothers. Through all of these deaths, I was grieving and sad but composed, graceful compared to losing my late husband. When he died, grace was nowhere to be found.

 

 

I would say that you are correct that except for a few; fall on your face grief is not what other people want/are able to commiserate. It is your own. When they feel a similar loss, it will be theirs. That kind of pain is personal.

 

 

There isn't much to add to Donnivain's and Ronni's post's. I would suggest group bereavement slightly above IC, because group is direct. You will be among a group of people who already are where you are and sharing...it's tremendously helpful in an immediate way.

 

 

IC is a reasonable option as well but admittedly a crap shoot. Some counselors are exceptional and others, not so much.

 

 

My Phd advisor cried like a baby when I had a meeting for touching the arm of an inpatient during internship. Cried about her personal circumstances and when I suggested she have some time to 'process,' abruptly left me in the 'the chair' and did not return, lol.

Years later, I took my oldest daughter to process moving and teenage angst to a different psychologist (without disclosing my own profession, we don't do that) and after 4 sessions one of which included a shopping trip to the mall and the last that she also broke down in tears over her personal dynamics.....long story short, group therapy with other people who are in mourning are a best choice, imo.

 

 

Lastly, Lorenza, don't hold on to the idea that you are supposed to get back to being who you were before. You will not. You have lost a significant person in your life and you will not be the same person you were before. That's ok.

 

Time will take the physical hurt and eventually the emotional too. You will remember and miss them always but it will become something that enriches, the memory, will make you an all around better human being.

For now, grieve, it takes time.

 

 

Love.

[Timshel]

Thank you... I've checked out some support groups, but all are quite far away from me, I live 1 h away from the city and it's difficult to drag myself out of my home or my area at the moment the local church doesn't have any. I wrote to a pastor at my university but haven't got an answer yet

 

 

Just posted and reading this. If this is the case, your medical practitioner is a resource.

[Garcon1986]

It seems like sharing your feelings with us is helpful - I'd encourage being a regular here? We just can't provide beer and snacks hehe. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my girlfriend, both grandparents, and learned of my cousins diagnosis of cancer in the same year (this year). I made it through by journaling here on LS, doing happy things, taking up the saxophone, working out, and making as many new friends as I could handle. We all do it in different ways, but you got lots of support here my friend.

[Lorenza]

Timshel - thank you for sharing. I understand that as years go by, loss becomes a part of life, and that we will continue grieving in some form for the rest of our lives. It's a sad truth that I haven't realized before. And yes, I don't think I'll ever be the same, cause my grandmother was my role model in life (way more than my parents) and now more than ever I want to channel the things I so admired in her... Well, I mean after I drag myself out of this pit of sadness that I'm in... Hopefully soon...

 

Garcon - you're right, it helps to write things down on here. I'm trying to motivate myself a little by setting a new goal after finishing my studies in 2 years - to move back to my home country.

[Lorenza]

Planning Christmas is the toughest thing right now. My whole life the family has been gathering at my grandma's, to eat her delicious Christmas meals, read a prayer together and exchange presents. Living abroad, that was the moment I looked forward to the whole year, something so warm and magical. Now that she's gone, nobody wants to celebrate the way we did cause it's still so raw. Grandma was adored by the whole family and all the relatives. Christmas without her is just not the same, so we're skipping it this year. Besides, there has been awful arguments about the inheritance and my mom doesn't really want to see her brothers. Everything has changed.

So I'm flying my mom here instead, we're gonna have Christmas just the two of us and I will have to plan something festive for us to do. That feels so heavy on my chest, first Christmas without our magical little evening with grandparents.

[d0nnivain]

So I'm flying my mom here instead, we're gonna have Christmas just the two of us and I will have to plan something festive for us to do. That feels so heavy on my chest, first Christmas without our magical little evening with grandparents.

 

You don't have to plan an extravagant anything. Do what you can. The 1st set of holidays after a loved one passes is always hard. Since you mentioned prayer, do plan to attend services. Pray for Grandma. It's all you can do, remember the happy times.

 

I hate the holidays since my parents died. I found some things to do for Thanksgiving so I can muddle through. The only thing that works for me at Christmas is traveling. I can't stand to be home. We don't have kids so my husband is fine doing whatever I want. I just can't handle it only being the 2 of us, home alone. It's too depressing.

 

Hang in there but fight to keep your grades. You are not understanding me about taking the incomplete. If you do that & it's approved by the school, everything stops. You don't lose points or tuition payments. Everything gets put on hold until you are strong enough. It's not about taking a test over. It's about not having taken it in the 1st place. Seriously on Monday talk to your advisor.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is really painful and it takes time to for shock to wear off before really grieving. It's like a part of you is missing and there are tons of different emotions going on all at once.

 

Do you have a trusted friend that you can talk to?

 

Think about grief counseling, it can help you process everything in a healthy way.

[Lorenza]

Not sure if it's even worth talking to my school councelor since I just read on the public site, that death in the family isn't enough to get dispensation and I will still need to have 75% of total credits collected until the next study year. I tried meeting my friends yesterday, hoping it will shake me up a bit and give motivation to start doing schoolwork as well, but just ended up being drained since I had to try and act a little bit more cheerful and it just doesn't come naturally yet

[Lorenza]

Besides all that, I'm having palpipations out of nowhere, just to make matters worse. Grandmother would be absolutely mortified by how I'm handling this, pretty sure no one else in the family is letting themselves go to this point and I'm too embarassed to even talk to someone

[d0nnivain]

Talk to your counselor & your doctor. Palpitations are serious. There is nothing to be embarrassed about but don't let this go unchecked. Grandma does not want you to make yourself sick or flunk out of school. While a death in the family alone may not be enough to get you an incomplete, combined with the physical manifestations, your family being in another country & your overall inability to cope, the school should assess your situation on a case by case basis.

[Lorenza]

Haven't talked to a student counselor yet, cause I'm still at home. Waiting for my doctors appointment due to heart issues. Today is the first day I haven't cried yet, but I'm in some kind of vegetative state, except when my students come over. Hopefully I can start moving forward soon...