Excruciating and painful

[Akashsingh]

I was working with a married woman in 2016 and 2017 who I had met 2 years after my own divorce. She laughed with me , found me funny, invited me to a business trip with her and had she developed feelings for me. We worked together every day for 1 yr or more. We never touched each other.

 

I tried to move away from her without ever clarifying why. I didn't want to breakup her marriage and mainly because she has a young daughter, 2 years old. Sometimes she was rude to me and sometimes I was rude to her. However she would not give up. She would text me late night on most weekdays on pretext of work but she enjoyed talking with me. Then, one day I yelled at her. That was the end. She worked behind the scenes to get me fired and succeeded. For one year , I was without a job and I found a job this year.

 

Things are going well in my present job and I am usually very busy, but, when I am alone, I miss her. Initially, after the breakup , I didn't miss her so much due to negative feelings & jealousy, however; after some time I realized that I think about her all the time.

 

Back in January she commented on my facebook post unprompted. I blocked her immediately but then 6 months later I unblocked her.

 

She makes a point to post stunning pictures of herself with her daughter and makes it a point to tag my friends in them.

 

For eg: she posts 50 pictures of herself, with her husband and daughter and maybe 2 pictures of our mutual friends but tags them to the whole album, so I can see her pictures including her PDA with her husband. I have a feeling that she doesn't care about me, but then my other mind tells me she wants to show me she is doing fine without me, is happy and has moved on.

 

It is painful, extremely painful. Its been 20 months now post breakup and feelings have not died. I think now, oh my god, what have I done. She looks stunning and more so after our breakup. All her post breakup pictures of her and her daughter are for the memories. She is about 35.

 

Dont know what should I do. Just keep the door open to see if she will enter or slam it firm? I have not moved on. I tried to date but I have not been lucky since then. A couple of women I dated after this breakup gave up on me within 1-2 dates.

Edited November 23, 2018 by Akashsingh

[What_Did_I_Do]

You will not move on as long as you keep checking her social media. She already slammed the door OP. Her tagging is just rubbing salt in the wound. You have to block her completely. No more checking in the future, either through your or your friends accounts. No more. Then you will start to heal.

[misspalmy]

Shes trying to make out she has a great marriage but the turth is she doesnt not. That would trigger me to tell her husband but thats me you may be lot stronger than me. best to block her again where u cant see the pics.

[BTDT2012]

She worked behind the scenes to get me fired and succeeded. For one year , I was without a job and I found a job this year.

 

 

This woman is vicious. She was willing to destroy you. I think you should seek counseling to find out why you still find her attractive.

[elaine567]

Read the past threads it is not as black and white as it may appear on first glance.

[Akashsingh]

Read the past threads it is not as black and white as it may appear on first glance.

 

I am confused as well. What is your hunch?

[Akashsingh]

This woman is vicious. She was willing to destroy you. I think you should seek counseling to find out why you still find her attractive.

 

She showed affection. She used to sit next to me. She used to look at me to see what I will say. She laughed a lot at whatever I said. She could not go without talking with me for a day.

 

Initially I thought these things were innocent, but, when she started texting me at night, at least 2-3 days a week after work, I began to think she has feelings for me, so after that I repeatedly turned her around.

 

First I politely told her not to ping me after work.

Then when she sat at my desk, longer than needed, I used to say, I need a break and then I will go to restroom or take coffee.

I would go work from another building. She would ask me on text if she could call.

 

But then I also tried to get a reaction out of her a couple of times. So she got played too.

 

These incidences started brewing the tension. Then as I said one day I yelled at her. That was perhaps not the end. We had a good time again one day at work. Then again same night she pinged me. I cut short the conversation without saying good night. I guess this was a trigger. She was not happy with the half measures or mixed signals from my side. Then we had a couple of more fights after this which I think she had preplanned to set me up to be fired from the job. Of course I played into them. I described these last incidences to a couple of good friends of mine and both of them immediately said, this is a setup to build a case against you. For eg. Those were meetings where she would give me a menial task on purpose. Or order me to do things in the meeting and then have a weird smile on her face about it.

 

As much as I liked her and wanted to be nice to her, I was jealous because our boss also liked her more than me and he would always side with her for no good reason and he would not miss an opportunity to show me in poor light. However, she would not play his game. She respected my work and would be nice to me. The only other reason, I started moving away from her was because she had a daughter and her daughter is only 2 years old.

 

The end was very abrupt. We stopped working immediately and 6 weeks later I left the job. As such my contract was ending and I had also refused to accept a position at a level lower than her. Before leaving I left her a couple of emails to her and my boss to say it was not nice of her to behave the way she did.

 

Maybe its all in my head, but for 20 months? I mean a person who is literally spending 3-4 hrs a day with you for 12- 15 months , no longer remembers you to the point that we never spoke again? Or has suddenly liked her husband back? I guess it was my anger or non clear communication that drove her away completely and things ended badly due to that.

 

I should have probably just given her heads up that I might be leaving or asked her straight out what she was up to?

Edited November 24, 2018 by Akashsingh

[Akashsingh]

Shes trying to make out she has a great marriage but the turth is she doesnt not. That would trigger me to tell her husband but thats me you may be lot stronger than me. best to block her again where u cant see the pics.

 

I thought about telling her husband, but, then I also did not want any real trouble for her. The very basic premise I left was that her daughter could have both of her parents together. But then, I am badly hurting myself.

[Akashsingh]

You will not move on as long as you keep checking her social media. She already slammed the door OP. Her tagging is just rubbing salt in the wound. You have to block her completely. No more checking in the future, either through your or your friends accounts. No more. Then you will start to heal.

 

Agreed. She wants to convince me she has moved on and is happy but then if she really did move on, she would not be tagging my friends in all her beautiful pictures. Some pictures on some occasions do make sense but once every 2 months? That part does tell me that she wants to show me

1) she is having a good time and just wants to share this innocently.

2) or she is trying to make me jealous on purpose

3) or I am reading too much into this and this is how she normally operates.

 

But somehow if I think of her so much, I can only imagine that she does indeed think of me.

[Akashsingh]

Shes trying to make out she has a great marriage but the turth is she doesnt not. That would trigger me to tell her husband but thats me you may be lot stronger than me. best to block her again where u cant see the pics.

 

If I contacted her husband what should I tell him?

[PhoenixRising8]

If I contacted her husband what should I tell him?

 

Good grief!! Say nothing to her husband! What on earth would you accomplish with that? Some people think that’s the answer thought the answer to what I’m not sure.

 

If it were me and I still had feelings for you that would be sure to kill them. You haven’t been together for ages, and even if you had been together recently, making problems in her marriage will not ingratiate you. If she wanted to be with you and didn’t want to be with her husband, she would be with you. She wouldn’t have been picking fights and getting you fired.

[Wallysbears]

Block this woman on social media and leave her alone.

 

And please see a therapist. In reading some of your past post history, you do not seem to have a strong grip on healthy boundaries.

 

That's something you need to work on.

 

it does not sound as though this woman had any romantic interest in you what so ever. You were not an "other man". You sound like you created a fictional romantic connection where there was none.

[Akashsingh]

Block this woman on social media and leave her alone.

 

And please see a therapist. In reading some of your past post history, you do not seem to have a strong grip on healthy boundaries.

 

That's something you need to work on.

 

it does not sound as though this woman had any romantic interest in you what so ever. You were not an "other man". You sound like you created a fictional romantic connection where there was none.

 

The last line is a bit funny. Not every affair needs to be a full blown physical or even if its emotional, it doesn't have to be too expressive. In 40 years of my life, no other married woman texted me 2-3 times a week , in the night from 9-11 for work conversation. And let me tell you, I was not the one to start those conversations. I am dumb when it comes to women but not this dumb not to know someone obviously likes you. There were a couple of other tests that I did. For eg: I told another colleague one day that some other woman colleague was my best friend at work. This woman's facial expression had changed completely. Or maybe you are right, but, for someone I think about all the time, for 20 months, its not believable to me that they dont have the feelings.

Edited November 28, 2018 by Akashsingh

[Akashsingh]

Good grief!! Say nothing to her husband! What on earth would you accomplish with that? Some people think that’s the answer thought the answer to what I’m not sure.

 

If it were me and I still had feelings for you that would be sure to kill them. You haven’t been together for ages, and even if you had been together recently, making problems in her marriage will not ingratiate you. If she wanted to be with you and didn’t want to be with her husband, she would be with you. She wouldn’t have been picking fights and getting you fired.

 

Hmm... well towards the end its obvious she picked fights with me and it might have to do with me refusing a project with her or towing her line or not being submissive. As I said, distancing myself from her, I started it and it kept escalating.

 

A mutual friend called a few months after I had left the job. He called unprompted and he knew she was behind me getting fired. He told me both she and her husband are power bullies and they play these games, specially her husband all the time. He knows a lot of people at work. So who knows she sought his advice. and maybe he gave her that advise.

 

I am pretty sure, getting me relieved from my job was a planned exercise. It was well planned in advance, weeks, if not months and I had no clue about it.

[Akashsingh]

I do agree: I need therapy but coming to this forum has helped me reinvigorate the hatred towards her.

[Amethyst68]

I have read through your previous threads and have to agree with the poster who said they saw no romantic relationship, this was a coworker not an OW.

 

You seem to get extremely emotionally attached to people and can't let go that connection. Your earliest threads were all about winning your ex-wife back, trying to stop your divorce even though she had a 2 year RO

 

OP, IMO you appear to have an obsessive part to your bebehavior and that's why IC would be helpful.

 

As to the OW, who knows. If she and her husband do in fact play these type of power games then the chances are he knew from the start.

 

YMMV

[Akashsingh]

I have read through your previous threads and have to agree with the poster who said they saw no romantic relationship, this was a coworker not an OW.

 

You seem to get extremely emotionally attached to people and can't let go that connection. Your earliest threads were all about winning your ex-wife back, trying to stop your divorce even though she had a 2 year RO

 

OP, IMO you appear to have an obsessive part to your bebehavior and that's why IC would be helpful.

 

As to the OW, who knows. If she and her husband do in fact play these type of power games then the chances are he knew from the start.

 

YMMV

 

Yes, I was highly attached emotionally to my ex wife. I had also helped her a lot in her life with her education etc. If not for RO, we could have saved our marriage with counseling. Both she and I are still unmarried or without SO. But anyways, after 5 years feelings are almost dying for her and I have no desire to re contact her on my own anymore. No chemistry.

 

I have worked with many many people. I have changed many jobs myself. I have attached and detached myself with many people but its not about everybody that I write. Wrt this woman, as I said, we did not have sex and nor did we say anything overtly romantic to each other, but all other unmistakable signs were there. Its likely her husband helped her in the end to get me fired or plan for it and its possible she told him everything after that, however; its unlikely he knew everything from the start. He might have known through other people though. It just creates a pit in my stomach to see her laugh at my misery.

 

Also I am not obsessed about everyone. I have several women co workers, but, somehow feelings about this woman have not died.

 

Also one more thing I need to address is somehow married women are super comfortable approaching me and working with me and single women are not that comfortable. Even now all of my work friends that are women are married, lol.

Edited November 28, 2018 by Akashsingh

[BTDT2012]

I think your focus should be feeling nothing toward her, not hating her.