I don’t know who I married

[Looking4Sun]

I have a very long story and a very dysfunctional husband. I could really use your thoughts to help me figure out what is wrong with him and why he says and does the things he does.

 

My H and I are currently separated. He is 38, and I am 42. We have a son who is 5 and a daughter who is 2. We've been together 10 years and married for 7. I found out about his affair 6 months ago and he moved out 4 months ago.

 

A year after being married we had a baby. When our son was 2 months old, he accepted a job in another state. We moved to a brand new city not knowing anyone and being new parents. He was immediately successful in his job, making a ton of money and having a lot of power. He still loves his job. He also loved the new city. He's a mountain guy - loves mountain climbing, hiking, camping, cold weather. Said he never wanted to move back to our old city/state, even though all our family and friends are there. He's close to his family but never been the type to be very close to friends. I was the exact opposite. Missed my family and friends so much and the warmth and sunshine I was used to. I had stopped working to care for our son. Having been a career woman for so long, it was a huge blow to my confidence. I also developed medical problems that caused chronic pain. Add all this together, and I fell into post-partum depression for about a year and a half. I know it was hard for him and I sensed within a few months of moving that he had grown emotionally distant towards me, not knowing how to handle my sadness.

 

When I got out of my depression, I still wasn't the same person. I couldn't get the pregnancy weight all off. I started working part time and had help from a nanny because of my physical pain. I was pretty much going through the motions of what I thought a mother and wife should do but I had lost my sense of self. All the while, I sensed him moving further away. He also started to become critical of me. He would compliment me a lot on my looks and being a good mom, but then he'd always make some kind of passive aggressive criticism of me (my cooking, things I liked to watch or read, things my family or friends would do). It chipped away at my confidence. He started to go to the mountains maybe one weekend a month. And when he was home on the weekends he focused on working on his truck or his amateur woodworking shop. We didn't fight a lot, but I think it's because I just kept it to myself and still tried to be a good wife.

 

I got pregnant with our second child about three years ago, and I started to see more changes in him. He started going to the gym, doing yoga, and losing weight. He bought new clothes and underwear. He started trimming his chest hair! He got a tattoo. He bought a motorcycle. He wanted to buy a classic car. I felt like he was having an affair. I confronted him about it, and he denied it. One month before I was to give birth we got in a huge fight about him not being around much. He told me then that he had been unhappy for a long time. He said he can't explain why, other than he thought we had lost our connection. He said he felt our marriage had always been content, but content was boring. He wanted "passion and adventure." I started trying harder. I scheduled more date nights and really tried to make an effort to be fun. But, when I did, he'd always come back and say "I didn't think it was fun. We didn't laugh together." My heart was so broken. After giving birth to my second child my body was actually starting to feel better and I had so much less pain. The doctor said it was likely autoimmune and hormonal. I had high hopes of things getting better but it seemed he had given up.

 

Last year, we started marriage counseling for six months. It helped him articulate further why he was unhappy. He said:

1. No passion and adventure. This includes our sex life. We didn't have a lot of sex when I was depressed and in pain but in the last year we started to have much more, but he had sexual fantasies that he started bringing up two years ago that I wasn't comfortable with.

2. Nothing in common. We used to ski together but barely did that now because of the kids. At the same time, I always thought we had musical tastes in common among other things, but he seems to have rewritten our whole history about this.

3. No connection. He didn't think we helped each other grow into better people and that we never would.

4. He felt because he had a crush on me for years before we married and I wasn't interested that I settled. He said I never made him feel wanted. I understand this and I owned up to it, though I don't feel I settled. I did fall in love with him.

5. I was too emotional. He said for a long time he was scared to tell me he was unhappy because he thought it would put me back into depression.

 

So after learning all this we tried to fix things but it just didn't seem to be working. Finally, in June 2018, I stumbled upon his text messaging app on his laptop that he thought had been locked. Turns out, he was having a year long affair with a married woman. A woman who apparently had so much in common with him - no kids but loved yoga, and mountain climbing, and hiking, and she was also unhappy in her marriage of 14 years.

 

When I confronted him he said he wanted a divorce. Then the next day he said he wanted to work on things. That lasted a week. He said he couldn't do it anymore, that he had been unhappy for so long. He said I made him feel so unwanted and he wanted to just find someone new and start over. He said he wanted to find someone who knew how lucky she was to have him. He said life is short and he refuses to live in stasis mode anymore. As for the other woman, they broke things off to focus on each of their troubled situations but weren’t closing off the possibility of being together in the futurE.

 

He moved out in August 2018. We share 50/50 custody of the kids. Some days he'd even tell me things like "I don't know why I'm moving all this stuff to my house. I'll probably have to move it back and then you'll say I told you so." We would have days where he would be loving and kind to me, telling me he still had hope for us, that he didn't want a divorce - just a separation, that he didn't know how things would end but he was "considering all options," to be patient with him and "see where this journey takes us." Then some days he would be angry at me, resentful, blaming me for everything (like I was the reason he had an affair), telling me he wanted a divorce. At this point I had apologized to him for my part in the demise of our marriage but he still held a lot of resentment towards me and felt like I was the cause of it all. He had apologized about the affair, but nothing beyond that. One day in September he got upset with me begging and pleading and said he was never coming back...then adding "at least in the short term, I don't know what's going to happen in the future." I got fed up and decided then to stop the begging and pleading. I started to feel like I didn't want him anymore, not someone like him. That started the distancer/pursuer dynamic. The minute I stopped begging and pleading, he started to get jealous. The nights he has the kids and I am "free," he would text me to ask what I'm doing. He would get angry and say he knows I'm sleeping with other men, which I have no idea why he thinks that. I have purposely tried not to make him jealous because I know that can end badly. Of course, the nights I have the kids and he's "free" I hear nothing from him usually. Once in awhile I'll get an evening where he'll text me and ask if I've brought a man over once I've put the kids to bed. It's bizarre.

 

We have had "family" dinners once a week but I realize now it's letting him eat cake. We only have them the nights he has the kids. On his free nights, we never have them. It's like he gets 50% single time and 50% family time. I need to stop this, right? I will admit, we have been sleeping together maybe once a week, but I feel horribly used after each time. He's even told me a couple times "I can have you whenever I want." At the same time, in the last three weeks, he’s been telling me “I love you” a lot, something he stopped doing since June.

 

In late-October his jealousy tapered down, though didn’t totally disappear. He said we need to mediate the finances and file for divorce. When I brought up doing a legal separation instead, he agreed. Some days he’s in a rush to get the mediation done and some days he says “I’m not in a hurry.”

 

And then last week I found out that he’s been seeing the other woman again. I think since September or early October. When I asked him he wouldn’t admit they were dating. He said she sleeps over sometimes. He then told me that if it wasn’t her it would be someone else because he is “Never coming back. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not this year. Not next year. I don’t know. Maybe in the distant future. I don’t know.” He told me to move on and not look back. He said he doesn’t think I will look back because I never really wanted him. Then the next day he sends me mesages that he would really like to spend some kid free time with me and that he loves me. That he’s not closing off the possibility of working on our marriage in the future. I don’t know if he’s being nice so I don’t tell the other woman he is still sleeping with me or so I don’t try to take the kids away. Or, he’s just trying to keep me around as plan B. I guess my heart is hoping it’s because he loves me still.

 

He had the kids for a thanksgiving and I went on vacation with my friend to a place where an ex boyfriend I keep in touch with still lives, and he knows this. The day I left, he sent me a nice text message (early in the morning and I think from the other woman’s house) telling me he’ll be thinking about me and hopes I have a good time. I said thank you and he replied asking if I wanted to come over for a quickie. WTF. When I said no, he said “Oh well, I’ll just call the 25 year old barista.” What is wrong with this man?

 

On Thanksgiving Day he sends me another text saying he and the kids love me and miss me. I say thank you and he says “I’m making stuffing. I can’t wait to stuff you next week.” WTF again.

 

I’ve been told to ignore him and not respond. But part of me still hopes to work this out. I know, he’s been crazy, why would I want to? I guess I still want to save things. I also have a hard time ignoring him because I fear he will feel rejected by me and it will push him closer to the other woman. At the same time, I think he’s getting off on the thought of two women wanting him since he feels I never made him feel wanted.

 

I lost a lot of weight and have looked better than ever, and he has noticed that, though sometimes he gets angry and says “Why couldn’t you do that when we were married?”. I've made more friends and have been going out and doing new things. So that's been a plus, though I have much more work to do on rebuilding my confidence. I was feeling stronger since I stopped begging and pleading in September but this past week has got me anxious and just an utter mess. I don’t want this other woman anywhere near my kids and I want to save my marriage. Is this hopeless? Am I crazy? What is wrong with him? What happened to the man I married?

[Mr. Lucky]

Like so many of these situations, you're both right and you're both wrong.

 

I can only imagine the challenges for him when you were depressed. It's hard not to take that kind of shutdown as rejection and I'm sure that period laid some of the groundwork for your problems today.

 

But......

 

He's used that as an excuse to mistreat you and trample on your marriage. I'd guess the contact with the OW never stopped, including the recent period when you imply he was considering the options for your marriage. And as long as he's involved with her, it's useless to even discuss what the future holds.

 

And "family dinners"? "Weekly sex"? He's not just cake-eating, you're providing the platter and utensils. I'd tell him it's been 6 months - in or out permanently?

 

Sorry this has happened to you. Lots of good support here, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Looking4Sun]

You’re right Mr. Lucky, we are both at fault for the failure of our marriage. I acknowledged that early on and apologized for my part.

[Mr. Lucky]

Nothing you've done is an excuse to cheat and hold you and your marriage in limbo.

 

You do need to stop making yourself available, in every sense of the word. If he wants separation and divorce, let him understand what that means...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Garcon1986]

At this point, there is so much resentment on both sides clashing with the love that was previously there, that it is hard to heal and move forward from a situation like this. You've also sought out another man, which is going to hurt him further. The least painful of the choices here is to go towards divorce. The other choice is to consistently work on the things you mentioned in your counseling session. This will be long and grueling work, which may have been avoided had you both affirmed each others love languages and understood what it took to make you both feel validated. This choice obviously depends on whether he's up for this uphill struggle or not. Some relationships have come back from this kind of tragedy but, I've never heard of one on loveshack recover after something like this. My interpretation of this, is to never have future fights with a man based upon the inherent communication differences between men and women (ever heard the nail in the head youtube video between a man and a woman)?.

[SNOWWHITE1961]

I think you should not beat yourself up. It is not both your faults. He is disfunctional. Lucky escape, but heartbreaking. He is a player, playing with you and your children's lives. Covert Narcissist?? Read about this it will help you realise its not you.

[preraph]

The big problem with you wanting to take him back is that now he knows you will put up with ALL these horrible behaviors of his, cheating, gaslighting, double standard, jealousy. Yeah, so why wouldn't he come back? He will come back and just continue to see whoever else he wants to see. If he does it, it is likely because he simply doesn't want you to date other men. And dating other men is exactly what I would do since you're separated and he's such a cheater and so insecure and accusatory, when it's him doing all the bad stuff.

[Wallysbears]

I'd stop the family dinners.

I'd stop having him at your house.

I'd stop texting him about anything NOT related to the kids or finances.

I would DEFINITELY not be sleeping with him.

 

He wants his cake and to eat it to.

 

Don't give it to him

[Lotus_Luna]

What I hear from him is resentment. You’re trying now, but for him it’s too late.

 

If he’s dating other women he’s not serious.

 

It’s time to take back your power and put up boundaries.

 

I see both sides to this issue, I truly do. Sometimes throwing blame is useless. Acceptance, grieving and moving on are all you can do for the future.

[Normm]

I don’t know if he’s being nice so I don’t tell the other woman he is still sleeping with me or so I don’t try to take the kids away.

 

 

Telling the other woman and her husband is exactly what you need to be doing if there's any chance of ending the affair. You don't want to be taking the kids away from their dad, don't use them as pawns in the conflict that is between the two of you.

 

Stop sleeping with him you are simply enabling his behavior to continue, putting him on a pedestal and building up his ego and self esteem at your own expense and giving him no reason to quit being with the other woman. Why should he when he's got both? You are making it way too easy for him to continue on the path he is on, indefinitely.

[Purepony]

Have you tried having a one on one talk with this young man ? And I say young because he’s acting like a kid

 

I mean he knows you look good so I would start with a serious talk and give him a week to make a decision to either stay and commit or leave and divorce with no turning back

 

He’s already wasted a lot of your time And put you through a lot