rethinking NC

[Minneloa]

In general, I am a proponent of NC after a breakup in order to heal & move on. However, I am now reaping the consequences of this practice, as I live in the same neighborhood as two guys I dated in the past & did not speak to after the breakup. Unfortunately, they frequent two of my favorite (daily) local spots, and I narrowly avoided running into one of them the other day. Neither breakup was acrimonious, though I felt misled by Guy #1. Guy #2 is basically a sweetheart. So now I have this feeling of awkwardness and slight dread in my own backyard. If I hadn't been so adamant about NC, maybe this would be easier.

 

Thoughts, LS?

[Garcon1986]

Do you feel like you could modify NC to something you feel innately comfortable with? Maybe if you meet the guys, don't feel completely surprised, but rather keep them on an acquaintance basis?

[Minneloa]

Yes, thanks--I am thinking that a modification is definitely in order. At the time of the breakups, I had hurt feelings and went into my NC cave to retreat. Guy #1 never tried to contact me (ouch), but Guy #2 kept reaching out sporadically and I ignored him. In retrospect, I wish I would have been a little more flexible with him.

[Garcon1986]

I would do what sits well with you, maybe something like keeping them around like acquaintances. That way you won't need to be like the 10 year old afraid of the boogeyman.

[Minneloa]

I can see now that I over-reacted in the case of Guy #2. Ah, well, good to know moving forward.

[lana-banana]

NC should last as long as you need to heal---but that's all. If you feel mostly indifferent or ambivalent to these guys, then there's no need to keep NC. You can nod and say "hey" and go about your business. On the other hand, if it still really stings to see them, it's a good idea to try to adapt your schedule.

 

Do you feel healed? Would it bother you to learn more about their relationship status, or is it just sort of weird? Residual awkwardness will fade in time.

[Minneloa]

Thanks for your reply, l-b. Trying to be brutally honest with myself, I think I am healed from Guy #2 because I understand what happened and know he had no malicious intentions towards me. With Guy #1, there is some residual resentment. However, when I saw Guy #2 a few days ago, my instinct was to immediately look away.

Edited November 24, 2018 by Minneloa

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately, they frequent two of my favorite (daily) local spots, and I narrowly avoided running into one of them the other day.

 

You're not breaking NC by coincidentally encountering an ex, though it does speak to how you handle those situations.

 

It's more about how you handle your end of any interaction, whether real world or online...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Minneloa]

That's true, Mr. Lucky. But after such a long period of avoiding/ignoring them, it has become exceedingly awkward, at least in my mind. I am second-guessing my choice to go hard NC in the first place, at least with Guy #2.

[d0nnivain]

NC does not necessarily mean rude when you accidently bump into somebody in public.

 

Practice your tight closed mouth fake smile & nod of the head. Theses EX get that as an acknowledgment greeting. Done well it should be frosty enough that the person stays away & does not attempt conversation or interaction. Over time as you repeat this you should be able to relax enough so as to not give yourself TMJ from clenching your jaw when you see them & execute this greeting but little else is required.

[Minneloa]

Hey d0nn, thanks for your reply. I do feel frosty towards Guy #1, so the curt nod would work there. With Guy #2, I feel sheepish that I took such a hard line. I would like to be cordial, but I think it might be too late.

[d0nnivain]

Too late for what? Do you want to reconcile? Do you have some misguided idea you can be friends?

 

I have to work with one of my EXs. We're in different companies but have collaborate every so often. We can do out jobs but everybody around us senses the tension.

 

My other EX I bump into on the rare occasions when I have to go back to my grad school. He's a dean there. He wants to be friends. The idea makes me sick. When she's around his GF looks like she could kill him for the suggestion. When I told my husband this EX wanted the 4 of us to go on a double date my husband got this look like "you have to be F'ing kidding me". I assured him that I'd rather chew glass. I'm happy enough to stop momentarily & inquire about the EXs family but 5 minutes of cordial is about all I have in me.

 

 

There are ways to make things less awkward. A smile & polite small talk are the universals but don't press for more than a polite inquiry about the other's health.

[Minneloa]

Yeah, you're right, d0nn. I don't want to reconcile, and I know we can't be friends. I guess I am just feeling some residual sadness after seeing him. Sigh.

[d0nnivain]

That makes sense. There is a sense of loss that is re-triggered when you see him. You remember the good times. You can probably work your way up to cordial but that is about the best you can do.

 

Hugs.

[BaileyB]

NC does not necessarily mean rude when you accidently bump into somebody in public.

 

This. It's quite possible to be polite and acknowledge them with a wave or a "Hi, how's it going..." and go on with your life. It will be awkward the first time you see them, but things will get better after you give them a sign that you are ok with seeing them occasionally, without the expectation of anything more.

[maxi105]

hmmmm...mineola, im not sure what it is that you want from these guys? maybe if you know, or could give more depth about what went on, then it might be a clearer way that can help to sort things out and for you (and them) to feel a little easier going about their business!!!!

 

I kind of get that you don't really want guy 1? if ive got that bit right, if so why did you feel hurt (you say "ouch") that this guy didn't contact you? that sounds a bit more like being really about the "self" and what you expected things to be like on your terms; did you expect him to come running to you when you wanted nothing to do with him? and if there were misunderstood feelings around him (maybe you wanted more but it didn't happen? I dont know). but if you don't or didn't want to reconcile with him or guy 2 in anyway for certain, then I dont get why you'd feel hurt if he or they don't seem that bothered in talking to you....because after all you were not that interested in talking to them...so I guess you had a little taste of what n/c feels like when you don't see it coming. (but look, im aware that your post is short for details so I can only say on what you've already said or the essence of it).

 

its ok to be uncomfortable around people post break up, it happens, but I think if you know people want or need to talk to you about it and you go out of your way to ignore them and not give them the chance to talk or understand; then I dont think that ever helps anyone and is a lost chance to be kind and help them or you to get closure on what went on.

 

its more mature and can often sort stuff out that getting involved with mental ego trips and guessing what people are feeling about situations or only thinking about how they made you feel or perceived how or why stuff went on. the truth is they also may have been made to feel bad by your actions or may have wanted or needed to talk stuff over.

 

its all about what you each want or can hope for in the long term and whether you are all able and willing to communicate that properly and fairly to them provided they feel if its appropriate and are willing to want to talk to you now after what has happened; and of course about finding out what they want or don't want or feel so you can put this situation back on a more healthier level.

 

It sounds like you have looked a bit too inwards about what you wanted and felt and may have dismissed other people.

 

you say guy 2 was a sweetheart. why?do you have feelings for him, did you treat him badly, did you mislead him or dismiss his feelings for you or cut him from airing his feelings? if so that needs to be looked at and talked over with him.

 

im all for talking things through with those that are affected, or trying to at least talk with people because as you've said yourself, you can complicate things, make things awkward and in some cases do more harm whether you realise it for you and or others by not setting things straight with folks at the time. it sounds like you have let this drag on needlessly, and in some ways still are, hence the awkwardness that you still feel.

 

it sounds as though you are wanting to do the right thing now so that sounds pretty positive. however, it also comes over that you are very concerned about the awkwardness in your own backyard more than wanting to talk and resolve/apologise and find out about the guys than anything.but unless you talk to them you cant know if they want freinship or have also sat in irritation or guilt about you and your behaviours.

 

 

I don't mean to sound harsh on this one and I wish you well for it, but I think you need to spend a bit more time thinking about what you want that will be fair to the guys too. if youre going to go n/c without explaining things if people need those explanations for their closure as well as yours then you cant expect people to just snap back and want to talk or listen just because you are ready now and want change....if you want change then you need to open that dialogue sincerely and humbly explain why you did what you did, how they made you feel.and it will help vice versa for them to do the same too.

 

 

did you talk things over with these guys when the relationships failed? if not then that is why you are in the situation you are in, things were not dealt with properly and fully so they have come back up and you are uncomfortable still about it all (good and bad).

 

 

its not to late to start talking explaining or apologising, so long as you are prepared to listen and maybe hear some home truths and be prepared to hear about how you made them feel. you might also get some apologies from guy 1 if he did knowingly mislead you or treated you badly.guy 2 needs some answers also! so don't just assume or address your own needs here.

 

 

you cant resolve things unless you try to talk them over and or compromise or decide and agree on how you each feel after talking.

 

but its all about truth, maturity and thinking things through to put whatever is wrong right (if they are willing and are also into wanting to sort things).

 

 

I think there is a little bit more to this situation and your feelings on what went on and what you are carrying over from what went on than you are saying, and with only little bits and pieces its not that clear for me to write anything other than what I have done.

 

this is resolvable so long as you are honest and fair. you can still resolve not to have guy 1 as someone you will be with, but you at least need to be fair and talk it over. I think some of your resentment to him may be down to the fact that you've felt things but not talked about them and with guy 2 I wonder whether you took him for granted, maybe he felt mislead by you? either way. you need to talk to them and sort this out.

 

and unless you take the chance to talk to BOTH and have them talk to you, then someone is going to feel resentment or awkward about what went on. and its a bit of a waste - especially as you say you've moved on (or are trying to).

 

 

honest advice, so I hope you can not feel bad about it, but take the courage to talk it over with them properly, and im sure you will feel a whole lot better about this. and you can all feel more comfortable out and about.

 

 

best wishes, even if it doesn't read like it. I do wish you can get a result from this. its a small issue in comparison to what some on the shack are going through or how cut up others are feeling, so take that thought and try to put things right for all your sakes. see ya. maxi.

Edited November 25, 2018 by maxi105

[Minneloa]

Hi maxi, thanks for your reply. Without getting into details, Guy #1 did not treat me with kindness or respect, so I have no regret for going NC with him. It's just unfortunate that he and I have a shared interest that brings us to a common space. Guy #2 is different because he treated me well, but did not want a relationship. When I went NC, I was hurt, but now I see that I was also stubborn and trying, in a way, to punish him. So I regret not responding to one of his messages and explaining that I needed some space to heal. I could have been more compassionate towards him, rather than cutting him off cold. This would also have mitigated the awkwardness that I am now experiencing. Sigh.

[Minneloa]

Ran into Guy #2 today. I had just rolled out of bed, and looked quite a mess, but there was no avoiding it. We chatted briefly in a friendly way, so that’s good. But now I feel sad. I regret how I treated him (ignoring his contact) after we stopped seeing each other. He was honest with me, and kind. Even though I had hurt feelings at the time, I could have at least acknowledged that he reached out.

 

Sigh.

[FMW]

You did what you needed to do for you at the time. You have regret because you're a nice person and it's out of character for you to not respond when someone reaches out to you, but I don't think you need to feel bad about the NC at all.

 

I'm sure he understood at the time and since you had a friendly encounter today he's clearly holding no grudges.

[Minneloa]

Thank you, FMW. I appreciate your kind response.

[Redhead14]

No contact is about not actively reaching out or responding to them and maintaining unnecessary contact. It's not about being out and about and accidentally running into them. If some time has passed, you shouldn't be skulking about and dodging them. It's a public place, if you see each other, nod if eyes meet or something, be polite but don't go out of your way to talk to them. If they come up to you, you be polite and grown up but don't engage in too much of a conversation, that's all. If you need to, you can excuse yourself to go to the ladies room or outside for cigarette or something.

[BC1980]

I think you want your relationship with your exes to be tied up in a bow, but it usually doesn't work out that way. There's always a residual awkwardness with an ex. Whether or not you maintained NC has no bearing on how you will interact with these exes if you bump into them.

 

At best, you're going to be acquaintances with the 2nd guy. The best way to deal with these interactions is to smile and say hello but keep moving on. You can be polite without engaging someone.

[Minneloa]

Yeah, residual awkwardness for sure. Makes me sad.