Wife left and been gone now for over 2 months

[KJC]

So wife and I had a argument on September 5th. We had some words back and forth after which she slept on the couch for a few day. After a few days I attempt to apologize and speak with her to which she wants very receptive. Our Anniversasy is September 15th we had plans but a few days before that she said we should just cancel them. She then proceeded to spend the entire day on our Anniversary with her Girlfriend. This was a Saturday, that following Monday she sends me a text saying she thinks separation is best. She was leaving to move in with her Girlfriend and she hopes we can have a amicable relationship for the kids. I tried to do a little convincing for her to stay but realized it was getting me no where and just conceded.

 

During the time apart there has been very mixed signals. We have sat down for coffee, gone to a sporting event, and met for dinner a a mutual friends house. During this time there are days where it seems she may want to reconcile then there are days where she is absolutely cold and non responsive. Over the last 2 1/2 weeks there has been very little contact.

 

The difficult part is the uncertainty. I understand that I can't change or force anyone to be somewhere they don't want to be. And I would never want to do that. But when I attempt to ask her what she is thinking are we going to work on the marriage or not. She responds with I don't know, I can't give you a answer but I understand that isn't fair to you so if you want to get divorced I understand. WTF? It's like she wants me to be the one to make that decision when she left. It is so frustrating. I am pretty positive there is nobody else other than her divorced girlfriend.

 

I am at such a lost as to what she wants to do. I understand we may not get back rush back together tomorrow. But I would at least think she could say if she wants to work on the marriage or not. Which she absolutely never says. We have three children 17,15, 12 and it has been difficult for everyone.

 

Anybody had similar signs from a spouse? And if so how did you handle it?

[TobyBoy]

Who’s the dude she’s seeing?

[Mr. Lucky]

Anybody had similar signs from a spouse? And if so how did you handle it?

 

Hate to say it, but this has all the hallmarks of involvement with another man. The quick move, mixed signals and hot/cold demeanor imply she's test-driving a new relationship while keeping you as Plan B in case it doesn't work out.

 

Don't ask her, she'll just deny and tell you you're crazy or paranoid.

 

Do you have access to her phone bill, email or social media? Some quick digging might yield quite a bit of significant info. Welcome to LoveShack, sorry this has happened...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Go online and check your phone bill. Do you have acces to her phone calls, text data?

 

The worse thing you can do at this time is chase her. That always pushes them farther away. Do not beg, plead or cry. That lowers your status and is extremely unnattractive.

 

She wants separation then stop any contact, cut out the coffe, etc. give her exactly what she wants.

 

They just don't move out for nothing. 90% + chance there is someone else. As for divorced gf's misery loves company.

[KJC]

I checked Phone bills early on and was nothing there. She literally didn't seem to be talking to much of anyone at all.

 

Seems like she spends most of her time at the friends house. I didn't initially think there was someone else but there have been absolutely no signs.

[elaine567]

Do not rule out the gf, your wife would not be the first woman who has left for another woman...

Just a thought.

[Marc878]

I checked Phone bills early on and was nothing there. She literally didn't seem to be talking to much of anyone at all.

 

Seems like she spends most of her time at the friends house. I didn't initially think there was someone else but there have been absolutely no signs.

 

There are ap's that can bypass the phone bill but that was a good first check.

 

You could var her car if you still have access.

 

Var= voice activated recorder or GPS to see where she's going. Not sure what the laws are in you jurisdiction.

 

At this time you don't know what you're up against it sounds like.

[mrs rubble]

I checked Phone bills early on and was nothing there. She literally didn't seem to be talking to much of anyone at all.

 

Seems like she spends most of her time at the friends house. I didn't initially think there was someone else but there have been absolutely no signs.

Maybe she's trying out a lesbian relationship with the GF?

[KJC]

Initially because I didn't know anything I started to wonder about the girlfriend myself. I don't put anything past anybody but I really really doubt it.She is pretty strong in her faith. I think if anything she gets the emotional need she wants from the girlfriend but I doubt they are in any type of physical relationship.

 

 

I don't want to come off naive but it really doesn't appear to be anyone else at least from what I can tell. She just seems distant and cold says it's due to the hurt from the marriage. And although our marriage wasn't perfect I didn't think we had that bad of a marriage at all. Especially to up and leave. Mind you this isn't the first time she has left over the years but she had come back within a few days. Which is a completely different issue.

[Simple Logic]

I suspect you and your wife have have had a large number of arguements and after the last one she is done.

[KJC]

I suspect you and your wife have have had a large number of arguements and after the last one she is done.

 

I wouldn't say a large number but when do they seem to be serious. Still didn't see this one coming. I guess most guys don't.

 

Hope we can fix it but must say at this point I am not very optimistic.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mind you this isn't the first time she has left over the years but she had come back within a few days. Which is a completely different issue.

 

In my experience, once a spouse sees separation/divorce as a viable option, it can be a tough go from there. In any argument or dispute, leaving becomes their default position. It's cliched but true - in a relationship, the person that cares the least has the most power. Where are your kids living?

 

Will she go to MC with you? If the answer is "no", you may have to take her declared intention to divorce at face value and start the process. She may be assuming you're too "stuck" to do so and it may serve as a wake-up call...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KJC]

In my experience, once a spouse sees separation/divorce as a viable option, it can be a tough go from there. In any argument or dispute, leaving becomes their default position. It's cliched but true - in a relationship, the person that cares the least has the most power. Where are your kids living?

 

Will she go to MC with you? If the answer is "no", you may have to take her declared intention to divorce at face value and start the process. She may be assuming you're too "stuck" to do so and it may serve as a wake-up call...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Kids are between both places. The don't have a lot of privacy there so they spend a few nights there and then will return home.

 

She initially said she wanted to see a MC but when I found one and set a appointment she never showed up.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. She has always handled relationships like that in the past where she just removed herself from them when something didn't go her way. I guess I figured we would be different because it was marriage but it really never seemed to be the case. I know in order for this marriage to any type of chance she has to be willing to stop running from her problems. Although I don't see this happening. Her mom has been married 4 or 5 times. So she has seen leaving first hand. Sad because we have had talks about what we wanted from marriage and how it impacts our kids but all of that seems to be out the window now.

[doyathinkso]

File for divorce.

 

Doing so is a clear and unmistakable "sh*t or get off the pot" signal delivered upside her head.

 

This will help to straighten her thinking up, in other words, to help her pull her head out of her rear end.

[basil67]

I wouldn't say a large number but when do they seem to be serious. Still didn't see this one coming. I guess most guys don't.

 

Hope we can fix it but must say at this point I am not very optimistic.

 

What was this latest argument about? And what does the arguing look like? Are there insults hurled or is there screaming or swearing at each other?

[BaileyB]

She has always handled relationships like that in the past where she just removed herself from them when something didn't go her way. I guess I figured we would be different because it was marriage but it really never seemed to be the case. Her mom has been married 4 or 5 times. So she has seen leaving first hand.

 

Bingo. It is what she has seen and it is her chosen coping strategies for relationships/life. It's pretty hard to change that if she doesn't show up for counselling... more avoidance.

 

I am at such a lost as to what she wants to do. I understand we may not get back rush back together tomorrow. But I would at least think she could say if she wants to work on the marriage or not.

 

I think the more important question is - what do you want to do?

 

Do you really want to stay married to a woman who could be so cold and dismissive of her marriage, and her children? Or do you want to show your children that this kind of behavior is not what marriage is all about... Do you really want to give her all the control for determining your future and wait for her to make the decisions...

 

Whatever you decide, whether you stay married or divorce, you deserve more from her than this...

Edited November 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Simple Logic]

File for divorce.

 

Doing so is a clear and unmistakable "sh*t or get off the pot" signal delivered upside her head.

 

This will help to straighten her thinking up, in other words, to help her pull her head out of her rear end.

 

That would certainly force an outcome and probably not the outcome the OP is seeking.

[elaine567]

So wife and I had a argument on September 5th. We had some words back and forth after which she slept on the couch for a few day. After a few days I attempt to apologize and speak with her to which she wants very receptive. Our Anniversasy is September 15th we had plans but a few days before that she said we should just cancel them. She then proceeded to spend the entire day on our Anniversary with her Girlfriend. This was a Saturday, that following Monday she sends me a text saying she thinks separation is best. She was leaving to move in with her Girlfriend and she hopes we can have a amicable relationship for the kids. I tried to do a little convincing for her to stay but realized it was getting me no where and just conceded.

 

What was the argument about?

[KJC]

Initial argument was a issue with the Kids. (Blended Family) Nothing really earth shattering or out of the norm. Which led to a few days of no talking. As it typically happens after a few days I attempted to mend the fences. (something that is typically left to me because she will very very rarely do). And it was met with rejection to which I in anger responded F**K you. I know it was wrong and I allowed my emotions and hurt get the best of me. Well that pretty much did it for her. She stated she doesn't see how a husband can tell his wife F**K you and I must really feel that way. She left the room the night to sleep on the couch for 3 nights and after the 3rd night sent me a text while I was at work stating she was going to be leaving.

[SunnyWeather]

sounds like she reached a boiling point...

Edited November 24, 2018 by SunnyWeather

[KJC]

sounds like she reached a boiling point...

 

I would definitely agree. I guess problem for me is I hadn't realized she was at that point in the marriage. I'm sure there where signs I just ignored them.

[Marc878]

Initial argument was a issue with the Kids. (Blended Family) Nothing really earth shattering or out of the norm. Which led to a few days of no talking. As it typically happens after a few days I attempted to mend the fences. (something that is typically left to me because she will very very rarely do). And it was met with rejection to which I in anger responded F**K you. I know it was wrong and I allowed my emotions and hurt get the best of me. Well that pretty much did it for her. She stated she doesn't see how a husband can tell his wife F**K you and I must really feel that way. She left the room the night to sleep on the couch for 3 nights and after the 3rd night sent me a text while I was at work stating she was going to be leaving.

 

if she never reaches out then she assumes you are in the wrong every time. Smacking an olive branch away combined with the other means you're in a one sided relationship. Not a good place to be.

 

IMO that is not a place I'd want to stay. Maybe you need to put some thought into this. She is not the only woman in the world and mist have at least some compassion. Maybe you're better off without her.

[Marc878]

I would definitely agree. I guess problem for me is I hadn't realized she was at that point in the marriage. I'm sure there where signs I just ignored them.

 

It takes two working together for a marriage. If you have to apologize or walk on eggshells 100% of the time this should tell you something.

 

Right?

[elaine567]

Initial argument was a issue with the Kids. (Blended Family) Nothing really earth shattering or out of the norm. Which led to a few days of no talking. As it typically happens after a few days I attempted to mend the fences. (something that is typically left to me because she will very very rarely do). And it was met with rejection to which I in anger responded F**K you. I know it was wrong and I allowed my emotions and hurt get the best of me. Well that pretty much did it for her. She stated she doesn't see how a husband can tell his wife F**K you and I must really feel that way. She left the room the night to sleep on the couch for 3 nights and after the 3rd night sent me a text while I was at work stating she was going to be leaving.

 

So basically you crossed a line, a dealbreaker line obviously.

One can criticise her for removing herself quickly from previous relationships when they did not work out for her, but seems she has firm boundaries and that may indeed be better than holding onto relationships forever just because...

I guess like many women, she stayed until she was at the end of her tether, last straw or a dealbreaker happens and she walks out.

[KJC]

So basically you crossed a line, a dealbreaker line obviously.

One can criticise her for removing herself quickly from previous relationships when they did not work out for her, but seems she has firm boundaries and that may indeed be better than holding onto relationships forever just because...

I guess like many women, she stayed until she was at the end of her tether, last straw or a dealbreaker happens and she walks out.

 

That seems to be the case. But if that's the case she has been at the end of her tether in the past as she has left before.

 

At the end of the day it may be the best thing for both of us. Just like stopping smoking is good for someone. But after 15 years of someone in your life it surely isn't easy.