when to tell SO about prior abuse?

[happymadison]

i have a question about being an abused person in a relationship. Does the SO of someone who has been the victim of abuse have the right to know of this abuse? I am talking about a serious relationship that is progressing, not just casually dating. IMHO, something like this that is or has the potential of affecting the relationship is a material subject to discuss, especially if marriage is contemplated.

 

. I realize the difficulty and challenge for an abused person that this presents, but doesnt this have to be overcome in order to fully share someones life, and not just a part of it? It would seem that to marry someone and not tell them of this, or depression, or other mental challenges is a lie in that its not the entire truth. The realtionship begins with lies, and this cant be good. And its entirely unfair to the SO with this lack of knowledge.

[submart]

If you are in a serious relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, it would be a good move to tell your SO about past abuse. Though this may be very triggoring, it will be a great release confiding to your lover about what happened to you. You don't have to go into detail and you don't even have to do it in person. If you feel more comfortable, maybe write him/her a letter about what happened. Who knows, he/she may have stories of their own to tell you. Just don't keep what happened to you inside. Get it out!

[happymadison]

thanks submart. i totally agree. I am on the other side of this thing. I was going with a girl who was on anti-depressives, and once she got mad over something and began to spout off all the bad things that happened to her, abuse, etc. So as our relationship progressed, i told her that one day i hoped she trusted me enough to tell me what happened. I knew that she wanted to get very close, and i was welcoming this, but i told her that sometimes i felt like she was afraid to tell me something, in that if i knew what it was that i might leave. I tried to assure her that I would understand, and would accept her as she was.

 

But the lying part (not telling the complete truth) was just something that would never work with me. i couldnt begin to get serious about anyone knowing that there might be serious things like this that i didnt know. she was wanting to share half her life, not all of it. she would never respond, or just evade. This wasnt a constant thing on my part, but i made it clear that i felt i was entitled to know things about her that affected the relationship, which , at times, this seemed to do.

 

Months later, while changing drugs, seeing a counselor, etc, she began distancing. I finally broke it off, and it seemed to really upset her, much more than i ever expected due to her past actions. I have researched this area a little, and i realize how difficult it is for an abused person to confide in someone. But when you get serious, it for better or worse, and she's not willing to tell the worse, which will still have an afect on US. I felt i didnt have the ammunition to understand how she feels and the root cause for some of her emotional states. i figured that she just wanted me to accept her as she is,, but i need to know about things such as this to find out WHO SHE IS!!

 

She has never had a succesful relationship, and is 40 years old. I believe she cant bring herself to get close to anyone, and if she couldnt with me, i dont think she ever will.

 

I just sometimes wonder if i was asking more than she could ever give. Thats ok if it was, but she should have told me this. i am also entitled to a great life, and need to know these things before i can decide on something as serious as marriage. do you think i am wrong in this?

[Mz. Pixie]

I told the man who is my husband now that I had a dysfunctional childhood before we decided to be exclusive. The day after he told me that he loved me I gave more details into that. I told him that since he was proclaiming his love for me he should perhaps know what he was really getting. JMO.

[submart]

Yes you deserve a happy life, just as your girl does! However, she seems to be emotionally unavailable do to her abuse. It's great that she is seeing a counselor and all, and instead of distancing herself, she should became closer to you.

 

You seemed to have been very gentle and patient when asking her about her abuse, which is great. You also seem as if you gave her plenty of time and opportunity to tell you about what happened.

 

Some people never open up to the point where they can talk about what happened. This in most cases, means that a person has not "worked" through what happened to them and are unwilling to. Suppressing memories and feelings of abuse makes things terrible. It leads to depression, trust, anger issues, and sometimes suicide.

 

If she can't open up and tell you what happened, than she will most likely have problems trusting you in many aspects of her life. You gave her a good long chance.

 

There is nothing more you can do. The only person that could help her is herself. She refuses to, and you can't make another person do something they are unwilling to do. I don't think you should put your life on hold for her, as she may never tell you what happened. Even if she does, there may be significant issues she needs to deal with.

 

I'm not saying that people who were abused are not marriage material, because many survivors go on to lead happy lives. However, these "survivors" have come to terms with their abuse and have sought appropriate couseling or whatever it was that they needed to heal. You never heal completely from abuse, but one should come to a point where it doesn't control his/her life.

 

I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but as victim advocate for rape/sexual abuse victims and a survivor myself, I have dealt with this stuff for quite some time and know of the consequences of staying silent.

 

Take care, and if you need anything else please ask.

[happymadison]

thank you submart. i have read that depressives often distance themselves when they feel they are getting closer to someone. This girl hated her job, has a love/hate relationship with friends, has some sort of issues with her mother ( a call from her changed her attitude and ruined my day). But her stated "goal", among many, was to have a kid, mainly because i think her mother was pressuring her. At her age, there are all sorts of risks which she would just write off. i wasnt sure about her, and i often thought that in some way she thought a kid would make her happy. i didnt feel like this was a good thing, and thought it was too much to ask of a kid. she needed to get happy beforehand. she used this sword of abuse in her early life whenever she got upset over something--i think it was her crutch somehow to justify her failures. but i never found out what this abuse was, and i always had the impression that she thought her future husband didnt have to know, just accept her and her emotions without question.

 

 

I tried to be patient with her, but she would never respond. she didnt make much of an effort at anything really. i tried to tell her to leave her job and find another that she liked while she was free of big responsibilites like a kid. i think her counselor was also telling her this, but she was trapped, especially with a new house. (this was a LDR of about 150 miles with us, and i did much of the traveling.) she bought a house because she was living at home for a while, and i nearly rebuilt the damn thing for her, with both my money and time. what gets me is that i felt so used by her, and i really ended it when i left. as much as i tried to get close to her and figure her out, which is what she said she wanted, it seemed like she was pouring grease down this wall i was trying to climb.

 

I hated it, but i cant go thru life being someone's doormat, regardless of the cause. I know that she thinks she "deserves" everything that i did, and that everything was my fault. this was the first real argument we ever had, but i always felt like i was walking on eggshells around her, with one wrong word being the fuse to light a bomb. the last time i saw her she said she was off her meds, but wasnt telling the counselor. i told her that she had better tell the counselor what she was doing. she was seeing this person on a workers comp claim (she figured she was screwing over her employer which she has a vicious hatred for) and they began talking about "other issues", what, i dont have a cclue. i offered to go with her if she wanted me to, but i guess she felt that i would think she was weak or something.

 

looking back, i am happier now, but i still worry about her, even though i think its best not to contact her again. apologies are not in her vocabulary as they are mine, and i have bled enuf emotionally for her. maybe she will find someone, it just wont be me!! thanks for the advice and letting me vent. i hate to fail at anything, but communication is a 2 way street, and i think i was trying to fight an unwinnable war without ever IDing the enemy.

 

I just try to learn from my mistakes, and appreciate the advise on what mistakes i have made with this. i guess its up to her to confront these things and like herself before she can move on with anyone else. in her case, i hope its soon. thanks.

[submart]

Oh man, all that you've been through with her seems quite rough. It sucks to be used!

 

Your doing the right thing by establishing no contact. It's going to be tough for quite some time, but you will make it through this and become stronger in the end.

 

Take care