Growing up in an abusive home, how to function as an adult?

[BitterSweetz]

I am just now coming to terms with the fact I did grow up in an abusive home. It was not physical abuse, and it was not my dad that was the abuser.

 

I still find it difficult to have relationships (friendships, sisterhood, cousins etc) with females because I did not have a relationship with my mom, maternal grandmother; and i was not allowed to see my aunts, or my dads mom because they didn't tolerate my moms BS.

 

I found myself shy and mostly introverted, I avoided eye contact and let anyone walk all over me. I slowly learned how to function at work when i was a late teen. I gained my self esteem in early adulthood, however that kept getting stripped away by abusive relationships and toxic friendships i found myself in.

 

I have learned abusive patterns, red flag behaviors, submissive signals i may send out, and the types of abuse and the cycle. I've trained myself to spot such patterns and behaviors through relating it to my personal studies, and what I have learned in the social/psychological classes I've taken toward my degree.

 

However I still have problems with confrontation, especially when, instead of one offering corrective positive criticism, offers instead demeaning and undermines. I pay close attention more than ever how people word their sentences as to get the intent of what is said.

 

If you grew up in an abusive home, how have you dealt with coming out of denial if there was any, and learned to function in the world we live in?

 

I know there are many cultural groups and ethnic backgrounds represented in this forum, which provides perspective; as abuse is present in all social groups and cultures around the globe.

[basil67]

Sounds like you have made great progress BitterSweetz. If it makes you feel any better, nobody deals well with confrontation. We have posters here all the time who say "X happened, I'm going to confront them about it" and I reply "Nooooo! Have a conversation and discuss what happened"

 

The people who go confronting you are people you need to add to your list of who to avoid.

[BitterSweetz]

that is what i am talking about, not having been able to "talk about things" that go on to me is confrontation.

 

not being involved in an altercation, that is violent matter.

 

to me confrontation is "talking about" said subject.

 

I don't like to argue or talk about stuff that bothers me because it was not in my social conditioning to do so. If i ever did, either growing up or in a relationship of 'any kind', they made it seem like i was a problem instead of facing the problem.

[preraph]

Well, one way to avoid a lot of confrontation is that since you have a good idea of the red flags, simply do NOT have a relationship of any type with those people and then maybe you won't need to say anything to them. It's called boundaries. You decide who to let into your world. Filter out those who show petty early signs of critical or abusive or controlling behavior or stalking, even in the smallest examples that don't really matter enough to call them out on it. That's how they get it. They start with a small slight and see if they can get away with it because you're thinking "It's not about anything important enough to say anything to them." Just boot those people out of your life.

 

If you're stuck with some in your family, it's up to you how connected you stay to them. You have to learn to not react to them or let them get to you, or you have to stand up for yourself, or you have to simply see as little of them as possible and not let them in. One small tip is I found that people are on better behavior in MY house on my turf by far than they are on their own turf. So try that sometime. It's not 100% of course.

 

I stood up to my mother eventually, but sadly, once she got old, she reverted back to how she was before, and that happens due to brain degeneration of whatever type. Old people often lose their filters. But I had a couple of better decades with her once I asserted myself before it all turned to crap again, at least a few of good memories. Good luck.

[fromheart]

You try as best as you can, to take that energy and better yourself.

 

It can be done. Or, that energy can devour you. Sorry, there's no easy way to put it.

 

If you wake up with the memories of abuse, regrets, guilt etc., you have 2 choices. Stay in bed and you'll be in that bed for a very long time, figuratively speaking. Years, maybe even life.

 

Or, you can get something in your life which deals with it, manages it and enables you to get moving and functioning.

 

For me its martial arts, for others it may be running, yoga, gym. Something positive that slams your brain to the here and now with sweet endorphins. A positive habit.

 

The past and depression is an addiction, your looking to replace that negative addiction with as positive one.

 

That's my take on it anyway.

[major_merrick]

I come from an Eastern European / American background. Both parents from immigrant families with somewhat clashing cultures. So that didn't help. My grandfather was wealthy, but refused to help my family because my dad had married a Russian. So my father drank and beat me, and my mother drank and took drugs and abused me. I had a good aunt and uncle who lived nearby for some of my early years, and I was very close with my female cousin. I was at least able to see what good relationships looked like...well enough to know that I didn't have them. Combine that with poverty and near-starvation at times, and life looked pretty grim.

 

It took me a long time to figure out how to act in relationships. I was really rough on people. My initial relationships were mostly about sex. I needed the stress relief. I got lots of girls in bed before I even graduated high school. My husband and I dated back then, and I was rough on him too. He tolerated me and loved me in spite of it, and we stayed friends even after breaking up. To survive, I learned to be aggressive, and I've stayed that way somewhat.

 

Time has mellowed me a bit. Finding love in real relationships has helped. You don't learn to be both firm and loving until you're with someone who is worth that effort.

 

To be honest, there are some things that you just don't get over. I have some emotional triggers that can really make me act crazy. I don't just have emotional scars, I have physical scars from the beatings. I dislike men in general, although that has eased with time. I dislike older women with dominant personalities....it causes me no end of trouble with my mother-in-law. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is what it is.

[darkmoon]

"corrective positive criticism"

 

 

unless the critic is an expert on the subject, then just say ok (keep the peace!) but ignore

 

 

I only look at Kate Middleton for style ground-rules, for example, and a couple of youtuber make-up influencers.

 

 

 

But would ignore somebody not-so-stylish who fancies herself, and is just mouthing off at me to pump up her ego. If persistent, then say ..."thanks, if I want your advice, I'd ask" ...which applies to any interloper, not just wannabe stylists. I also ask qualified professionals, about any subject, off-line about what they know. Some of that is interesting and useful.

 

 

Getting used to standing up for yourself takes a lil practise. Short responses are best, for there is less for the critic to use, to reverse, and to discuss with you. I am sorry you had a bad childhood. I did too, so I am just saying what I like to happen to me, at 66, and what works for you too hopefully. You certainly do not owe some nob a long conversation.

Edited November 28, 2018 by darkmoon

[BitterSweetz]

 

"If you're stuck with some in your family, it's up to you how connected you stay to them."

 

I moved 1500 miles away, our relationship is a little better until i go to visit; Then my mom becomes the controlling person she was before.

 

"I stood up to my mother eventually, but sadly, once she got old, she reverted back to how she was before"

 

Yea, if i stood up to her she would disown me LOL and then play the victim to everyone she knew to get pity and me banished from my home town if i ever went back to visit. That is something she is good at, manipulation and lying from what I have learned as an adult.

 

replies are in the above section after quotes

[gaius]

If your mother is dysfunctional to the point she's caused that much destruction in your life it would probably be helpful to separate completely. And if she doesn't like it and tries more nonsense, causes drama in your home town, who cares. Got to let it go.

 

I haven't spoken to my mother in about 4 years and have no intention to for the rest of my life. My step-sister who is a good kid in general, is stuck in that mess but like a cancer infected organ I've cut her out of my life too. She's been trying to add me to facebook and messaging me lately and I've ignored her. Gotta do what you gotta do no matter how mean it seems.