Open Marriage

[GinLizzy7277]

My husband and I have recently decided to have an open marriage. I have agreed because his happiness in our marriage is important me. I do not want our marriage to end because of an unwillingness to compromise on my part. I want this work but I am scared and have a lot of questions. I know many couples have done this and it can work. If anyone can offer advise/insight on the subject I would greatly appreciate it. I just want to understand so that I can make this work.

[Happy Lemming]

If I may suggest a book to read...

 

"The Wild Oats Project" by Robin Rinaldi

 

The author (a woman) wanted an "Open Marriage" for a year.

[Amethyst68]

IMO this will not work fit the simple reason it's not a life style you have a true interest in.

 

Have you really thought how you will feel when he is out dating and having sex with another woman? What happens if he forms an emotional connection with someone else? Will you actually be looking for other partners or sitting at home waiting for him to come home.

 

Please think carefully if it's worth it, protect yourself emotionally and physically going forward whatever you decide.

[BaileyB]

IMO this will not work fit the simple reason it's not a life style you have a true interest in.

 

Have you really thought how you will feel when he is out dating and having sex with another woman? What happens if he forms an emotional connection with someone else? Will you actually be looking for other partners or sitting at home waiting for him to come home.

 

Please think carefully if it's worth it, protect yourself emotionally and physically going forward whatever you decide.

 

This. Do you have any interest in having sex with other men?

[Simple Logic]

The whole I want my husband to be happy idea may very easily come back to haunt you.

[central]

Our marriage/relationship has been open for 19 years. We are both very much in love and committed to each other, but also identify as polyamorous, and like occasional sexual variety.

 

Open relationships can be very difficult, especially if you haven't done your research, and haven't talked through various scenarios and potential problems. You need to agree to some rules and boundaries, and be willing to revise them as you gain experience. You should also agree that either of you can end the experiment after a certain amount of time and/or a certain number of encounters, if it's not working (e.g., jealousy, attachment to someone else) for either of you.

 

I also think it is a good idea for YOU to take advantage of any agreement, so he can also understand how it may make you feel if he's out with someone else for an evening or a night. The biggest difference between the two of you is that you could literally have 50 times more dates and prospects than him - and sexual partners.

 

For this to work for him, you may need to restrain yourself so he isn't left behind - this IS for his benefit, right? While you should also benefit for balance, it won't be balanced if you get far ahead of him (not that either of you should be keeping score, but it's hard not to, especially if he's not having any success - and it will actually be difficult for him to find anyone if he's being honest when seeking them out). IMO, it's also better to find a long term FWB arrangement if possible, and not keep changing to new partners - it's safer and more consistent in almost every way. Some people think limiting encounters with any one person to a few times at most prevents feelings developing - it may, but honesty and good communication usually prevents that. If feelings do start to intrude, then you can insist it end.

 

Another option to consider, that might be much easier to implement and use as a path towards possibly opening the relationship, is to try swinging as a couple. You are both involved, and you're doing it together, instead of separately. You both get the enjoyment of sexual variety (but it may not always be a good experience for both of you for any one encounter), which can mitigate jealousy and resentment.

Edited November 24, 2018 by central

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband and I have recently decided to have an open marriage. I have agreed because his happiness in our marriage is important me. I do not want our marriage to end because of an unwillingness to compromise on my part.

 

Have you thought about what it means to be married to someone who’s “happiness” unilaterally depends on sleeping with other women? There’s a core selfishness at work that doesn’t bode well for the rest of your relationship.

 

Just my two cents...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Have you thought about what it means to be married to someone who’s “happiness” unilaterally depends on sleeping with other women? There’s a core selfishness at work that doesn’t bode well for the rest of your relationship.

 

Just my two cents...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Absolutely. And his happiness, at your expense, doesn’t seem like a particularly good or healthy thing for your marriage...

[somanymistakes]

Agreeing to things you're uncomfortable with is generally dangerous.

 

For that matter, what happens a LOT in situations where neither party has really thought it through, is:

 

Husband demands an open marriage.

Wife reluctantly agrees.

They both seek dates.

Husband stuggles to find people willing to sleep with him.

Wife finds a bunch of people who'd like to have sex with her.

Wife goes on dates and has a fabulous time.

Husband gets jealous and angry and demands that they quit the whole open marriage thing

Wife is confused but agrees because she never wanted this to begin with

Husband continues to sulk and call his wife bad names for doing things that were his idea

Everyone's feelings are hurt

 

Obviously, this isn't EVERY couple. But it's a common story, so it's a thing you should think about when making your contingency plans.

 

If you're looking for outside sex rather than extra relationships, swinging can be safer for maintaining the couple-bond. (Even then, though, some people freak out when they see their spouse have exactly the kind of fun they wanted for themselves).

 

You need to think through a lot of possibilities and ponder what effect theyr might have on your relationship. Is the 'open marriage' really about keeping a single affair partner he'd already met? How would he feel if you slept around? How will you feel if he gets attached to someone else/ How will you feel if he brings home a parade of different women every week? How will you feel if he brings home men? How do you feel about sharing, or swapping?

[kamani]

What is your situation OP?

 

Without some background information we can't provide much insight.

 

Open marriage work as long as the two partners value each other more than the outsiders involved and communication is 100% open with each other.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Agreeing to things you're uncomfortable with is generally dangerous.

 

For that matter, what happens a LOT in situations where neither party has really thought it through, is:

 

Husband demands an open marriage.

Wife reluctantly agrees.

They both seek dates.

Husband stuggles to find people willing to sleep with him.

Wife finds a bunch of people who'd like to have sex with her.

Wife goes on dates and has a fabulous time.

Husband gets jealous and angry and demands that they quit the whole open marriage thing

Wife is confused but agrees because she never wanted this to begin with

Husband continues to sulk and call his wife bad names for doing things that were his idea

Everyone's feelings are hurt

 

Obviously, this isn't EVERY couple. But it's a common story, so it's a thing you should think about when making your contingency plans.

 

This is more or less what happened with me and my ex-husband.

 

He didn't demand it, but I certainly felt at the time like it was maybe my one shot at having a HAPPY husband. When we started out, I envisioned him being grateful to have a wife who didn't mind if he had a little fun on the side. I actually thought he might love me and appreciate me more for it.

 

The first thing he said he wanted was a threesome with another girl. But once I acquiesced to that, he pushed us toward swinging/swapping because it was easier to trade wives with someone than seduce single women. From there it was a straight push into unchecked hedonism and a completely open marriage.

 

All his idea. Or maybe it was him taking cues from the social/cultural norms of that "scene." It definitely wasn't MY idea. That's why I couldn't have imagined all of the things that went wrong. I figured that if a problem was going to come up, it would be jealousy on MY end.

 

LOL nope.

 

I never did anything with anyone that he didn't suggest/approve first. Literally the only reason I did any of it was for him. Most of the time it was more awkward than fun. But he got SO jealous/insecure/angry/etc.

 

Any time I suggested that we should stop if it bothered him, he'd get angry and tell me I was just trying to guilt him out of doing anything. If I even suggested that I could stop and he could still step out as he pleased, he'd accuse me of trying to sabotage all of his chances to score sex at swinger's parties (made my vagina feel like some kind of wallet).

 

To add insult to injury, when I eventually left him, he told his entire family AND SOME OF MINE a revised version of the story wherein I had just up and started cheating on him one day.

 

So this isn't something I can recommend. It works for some people, but it crashes and burns for a lot of people too. Lots of emotions and other factors involved that lots of people don't have as much control over as they might think they do.

 

I'd say that the success of the situation hinges a lot on the guy's ability to get dates. Even if YOU don't have sex with anyone else, if HE'S not getting the results he imagined he'd get, you might find yourself struggling constantly to mend his ego. And perhaps your own, too, when you begin to wonder "if I'm the only woman who is willing to have sex with him, why doesn't he appreciate me?" That alone could take a big toll on your marriage.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gin, I guess your marriage would have to be rock solid and then some if you want this to succeed. Also communication and transparency are the key words. you cannot have enough of either. If these conditions are satisfied you may consider something like this. However, as the previous poster has said if you are doing it to keep your husband happy then the seeds of failure have already been planted. Tread carefully. Best wishes.

[elaine567]

I'd say that the success of the situation hinges a lot on the guy's ability to get dates. Even if YOU don't have sex with anyone else, if HE'S not getting the results he imagined he'd get, you might find yourself struggling constantly to mend his ego. And perhaps your own, too, when you begin to wonder "if I'm the only woman who is willing to have sex with him, why doesn't he appreciate me?" That alone could take a big toll on your marriage.

 

If he struggles to get sexual partners does that have an impact on how he is viewed by his wife?

We all like to think we have chosen a "good one", but if no-one else wants to have sex with him when offered on a plate, does that then devalue him in her eyes?

I know there is more to it, women tend not to want to get involved with men in open relationships, but even so, I guess his "failure" to hook up in the context of an open relationship is not really a good thing.

[zouz71]

My husband and I have recently decided to have an open marriage. I have agreed because his happiness in our marriage is important me. I do not want our marriage to end because of an unwillingness to compromise on my part. I want this work but I am scared and have a lot of questions. I know many couples have done this and it can work. If anyone can offer advise/insight on the subject I would greatly appreciate it. I just want to understand so that I can make this work.

 

 

Dear OP ,

 

 

 

Can you please describe more your marriage ?

and your desires ?

 

 

Are you both high desire ppl ?

 

 

Because if the purpose is that you are just giving him a free pass to save your marriage , then there are fears that it will be catastrophic .

what is the problem in your sexual life CURRENTLY ?

[darkmoon]

I think the OP is not cut out for open marriage, for there is no enthusiasm.

 

 

But if you must open up, always have a special bond, give husband a fantastic massage or maybe a great BJ, to bond him to you.

 

 

 

Open relationships are discreet (mine were!), she goes out clubbing, say, he goes out for a drink; it would be crass indeed to report that you had the night of your life while your husband was waiting up for you, sipping cocoa by himself.

Edited November 26, 2018 by darkmoon