When you’re not in love

[Lotus_Luna]

Your significant other finally says those three little words ‘I love you’...

 

Only you don’t feel the same! Now what? What do you say or do?

 

Break up?

Smile and hug them?

Tell them you’re not in love?

Pretend you didn’t hear them?

 

In my youth I typically declared my lack of love and was probably too honest. I didn’t understand the vulnerability they felt. The last time someone tried to declare their love I simply reminded him we were friends and whatever emotions he was feeling they were based on infatuation... I couldn’t handle him saying it again... it irritated me.

 

So I’m probably the oddball in these situations.

[carhill]

Your significant other finally says those three little words ‘I love you’...

 

Only you don’t feel the same! Now what? What do you say or do?

 

Accept the imperfections of life and one's own feelings at any particular moment in time.

 

Break up?

Smile and hug them?

Tell them you’re not in love?

Pretend you didn’t hear them?

 

Whatever you personally feel as your truth. I know from life experience I tend to emotionally attach slowly over time so don't sweat it. If the person is a positive, healthy and loving energy in my life, I accept it.

 

In my youth I typically declared my lack of love and was probably too honest. I didn’t understand the vulnerability they felt. The last time someone tried to declare their love I simply reminded him we were friends and whatever emotions he was feeling they were based on infatuation... I couldn’t handle him saying it again... it irritated me.

If that's your style, it is. What I've noticed over decades is very few women will spend time with and invest in a guy they're not attracted to or not attached to in some way. Where it goes can often turn on life events and nothing more complicated than a change of heart or mind.

So I’m probably the oddball in these situations.

I met plenty of women like yourself during my 20's-30's so IDK not too oddball to me. Plenty were brutally honest. Worked great to toughen my skin when it came to the mating game. Sure, it could sting at the time but that's part of life.

[Happy Lemming]

In my youth, I would use "I think I'm falling in love with you" to sleep with the woman I was dating.

 

My response today (if a woman told me she loved me) "OK, but please don't say it again"

 

You are NOT an oddball.

[central]

IMO, the response would depend on what I think might occur:

- Thank you, but I'm not there yet, but think I may be heading there

- Thank you, but I don't feel the same way - what do you want to do (or, perhaps it's best we break up if you want more than me)

- I don't know yet how this will turn out for me - can you wait and see?

[zouz71]

Your significant other finally says those three little words ‘I love you’...

 

Only you don’t feel the same! Now what? What do you say or do?

 

Break up?

Smile and hug them?

Tell them you’re not in love?

Pretend you didn’t hear them?

 

In my youth I typically declared my lack of love and was probably too honest. I didn’t understand the vulnerability they felt. The last time someone tried to declare their love I simply reminded him we were friends and whatever emotions he was feeling they were based on infatuation... I couldn’t handle him saying it again... it irritated me.

 

So I’m probably the oddball in these situations.

 

 

Well,

 

one day you will be in that situation ..

so just treat people the way you want to be trated ...

[Lotus_Luna]

Well,

 

one day you will be in that situation ..

so just treat people the way you want to be trated ...

 

Oh I eventually put myself out there... then i was aware of how incredibly hard it is to communicate those words. I waited 9 months to say it and even when i did, I couldn’t make eye contact.

 

He didn’t say it back... didn’t say anything negative, just hugged me for a long time.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I told my fiancé that I loved him long before I'd have ever expected him to say it back. Truthfully, the way our relationship started, it wasn't intended to be long-term/permanent. But one night we were lying there in his bed, cuddled up and drifting off to sleep, and it hit me. I almost didn't say it because it seemed silly, and at the time I didn't imagine our relationship would actually go anywhere. But I reasoned that if I felt it, he deserved to hear it.

 

He didn't say anything, but he pulled me in and held me tight for a few moments before we both fell asleep. I thought that was a perfectly sweet way of acknowledging and appreciating my feelings without implying any sort of reciprocation beyond the affection we had already established.

 

Way back in the days when I was swinging with my ex husband, there was a small handful of men who told me that they were falling in love with me ALARMINGLY quickly - and that was in a setting where it was firmly established that the encounters were all strictly casual. And these were sometimes men who were married or had long-term girlfriends. I wasn't sure how to react to that at first, but in that context, I ultimately didn't see anything wrong with being very blunt about not having feelings for them, and then cutting contact immediately.

 

So I think the "right way" to deal with it depends a lot on the specifics of the situation.

 

But I honestly can't imagine elevating anybody to the status of "significant other" if mutual love were not already established.

[Lotus_Luna]

I told my fiancé that I loved him long before I'd have ever expected him to say it back. Truthfully, the way our relationship started, it wasn't intended to be long-term/permanent. But one night we were lying there in his bed, cuddled up and drifting off to sleep, and it hit me. I almost didn't say it because it seemed silly, and at the time I didn't imagine our relationship would actually go anywhere. But I reasoned that if I felt it, he deserved to hear it.

 

He didn't say anything, but he pulled me in and held me tight for a few moments before we both fell asleep. I thought that was a perfectly sweet way of acknowledging and appreciating my feelings without implying any sort of reciprocation beyond the affection we had already established.

 

Way back in the days when I was swinging with my ex husband, there was a small handful of men who told me that they were falling in love with me ALARMINGLY quickly - and that was in a setting where it was firmly established that the encounters were all strictly casual. And these were sometimes men who were married or had long-term girlfriends. I wasn't sure how to react to that at first, but in that context, I ultimately didn't see anything wrong with being very blunt about not having feelings for them, and then cutting contact immediately.

 

So I think the "right way" to deal with it depends a lot on the specifics of the situation.

 

But I honestly can't imagine elevating anybody to the status of "significant other" if mutual love were not already established.

 

I enjoyed your perspective.... what you described as your Fiancés response was my experience but I didn’t know how to take it. I just hadn’t been through it.

 

Most of the guys declared their love between 6-12 months. I just wasn’t there, with any of them. I still would be hesitate to believe anyone who thought they were in love a few months in. That’s lust...

 

Love is accepting me faults and who I am. Not seeing me through rosy glasses.

[basil67]

You ask what to do. Thing is, what you do depends on what outcome you want.

 

What outcome do you want?

[Lotus_Luna]

You ask what to do. Thing is, what you do depends on what outcome you want.

 

What outcome do you want?

 

I’m just asking perspectives. It’s not a situation I’m facing.

 

The last declaration of love someone threw at me was almost a year ago and I ceased contact with that friend. It wasn’t fair to him to continue our friendship if he was having romantic feelings.

[SunnyWeather]

 

Your significant other finally says those three little words ‘I love you’...

 

Only you don’t feel the same! Now what? What do you say or do?

 

Break up?

Smile and hug them?

Tell them you’re not in love?

Pretend you didn’t hear them?

 

In my youth I typically declared my lack of love and was probably too honest. I didn’t understand the vulnerability they felt. The last time someone tried to declare their love I simply reminded him we were friends and whatever emotions he was feeling they were based on infatuation... I couldn’t handle him saying it again... it irritated me.

 

So I’m probably the oddball in these situations.

 

I'm wondering how someone could be labeled 'significant other' and not be in love. what's the point?

[Lotus_Luna]

I'm wondering how someone could be labeled 'significant other' and not be in love. what's the point?

 

Infatuation! Just because you’re with someone doesn’t automaticalky make you in love. You’re still learning one another...

 

I’ve only loved three times and it took well over a year for all three.

[SunnyWeather]

Infatuation! Just because you’re with someone doesn’t automaticalky make you in love. You’re still learning one another...

 

I’ve only loved three times and it took well over a year for all three.

 

I'm still at a loss how one could consider their significant other, which implies a partnership and commitment, to not be in love with each other. otherwise, it seems more like it's just dating and casual, and as you say "infatuation"

[Lotus_Luna]

I don’t know why that’s so unclear...

 

Hey I like you and I want to be exclusive... that’s dating

 

I used the term significant other because it encompasses all the types of relationships people have.

 

Like I said, I’ve been with someone for almost a year and still didn’t think I was in love. We were together, talking about our future and getting to know one another. But I didn’t feel my emotional attachment had developed into love.

[Caauug]

I don’t know why that’s so unclear...

 

Hey I like you and I want to be exclusive... that’s dating

 

I used the term significant other because it encompasses all the types of relationships people have.

 

Like I said, I’ve been with someone for almost a year and still didn’t think I was in love. We were together, talking about our future and getting to know one another. But I didn’t feel my emotional attachment had developed into love.

Ok, define love please. In a relationship/partnership....

Maybe love is different for different people?

Please describe in your own words.

[Lotus_Luna]

Ok, define love please. In a relationship/partnership....

Maybe love is different for different people?

Please describe in your own words.

 

When I’m in love with someone I don’t feel butterflies and rainbows.

 

It’s seeing the whole them, good and bad. Accepting the ugly parts without resentment or frustration. I respect them, I genuinely care about their happiness above mine. They are my rock, my safe place and I am where they can be weak and honest. We can be ourselves without fear...

 

For me love isn’t about the good parts, it’s working through and loving the harder ones. It’s about respect, dignity and support.

 

It’s easy to be adored when someone sees you through rosy glasses... it’s the man who sees past that, sees my scars and where I’m broken and still cares the same. He knows my imperfections and his stead of scalding me, says it’s okay to me myself, he’s not going anywhere.

[Lotus_Luna]

I’ve had several men claim to be ‘in love’ with me and I knew it was BS. They idealized me, they lusted after me but they didn’t LOVE me. They loved what they THOUGHT I was.

 

My husband married me under the impression Inwoukd he someone else. His infatuation took over and he automatically assumed I’d be whatever he needed/expected.

 

I never want that again. I don’t want to be someone’s fantasy. I don’t want to be a dream..

 

I want to be me and THAT is good enough. That is what they want. They see me for who i am..