What is a marriage or relationship? [Sanity check]

[ai_hawk]

So,

 

I am unfortunately having alot of psychological issues because of my so called wife.

I used to be this passionate, happy, joking, caring and kind individual. I would be the one where if you are feeling low down and tough on your luck, I would actually make you laugh - laughter is the best medicine.

I used to be strong on my professional level and now all of this, not so much.

I am a very (or used to be) romantic, passionate, sensitive/sensual soul.

 

Here is the thing... without going too deep...

 

my wife of 2 years is indeed a very manipulative, emotional and mentally abusive individual.

 

As time goes on, I will explain but for the sake of humanity and my sanity, can someone kindly please tell me:

 

- in a relationship or marriage, what is involved? I mean, you should do the basics like greet each other in the morning, kiss, cuddle, snuggle, be playful, have "sexy time" right?

- if one does something wrong (purposly or otherwise), they should apologize, right?

 

 

Does this hold true or does this not really happen in reality? I know it happens in reality, I have had it before!

 

Can someone tell me how is a relationship supposed to thrive or the like? I mean, surely being playful or tactical, or hinting at things be a good thing right? Especially with intimacy but even if not on the intimacy level, surely it does not involve just laying in bed and watching TV all the time and being lifeless with very little interaction with your spouse, right? (literally, with no conversation going on or turning it around when communication is clear but saying that it is not clear and no idea what is being spoken about but instead being told and yelled at like a little boy in trouble from his parents).

 

Am I missing something? I am always made to feel I am wrong, that I am stupid and silly, that I am making thing up. That I should not expect anything (i.e if I write a nice letter/note, I should at least get something back of somekind - something nice) but I should always give (or have things just "taken" from me).

 

I am so confused and hurt yet I am the bad guy. Surely cussing at your spouse, especially first thing in the morning or before going to work is not a good thing, right?

 

Being suggestive or flirting should happen in a marriage/relationship, right? or... is that just made up and I have been dreaming?

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you want more sex then you are getting. If you were getting enough sex would you really be complaining that she didn't talk to you enough?

 

Somewhere somehow you need to discuss your bedroom expectations with your wife.

[ai_hawk]

So,

 

yes. Sex used to be great and at least 3 times a week. Now, its barely 1 and I do all the work and barely lasts.

 

However, this is NOT purely about sex. Even when I talk to her about it, I get literally no response. Even on a deeper emotional level, I get no response back when I spill out my heart to her.

 

literally, no response. Nothing. Nada.

[d0nnivain]

That's a problem. Would she go to MC with you?

 

I think you need to calmly but firmly lay it on the line:

 

Honey we used to have sex 3x per week & it was mutually enjoyable. Now it's barely once per week. We also don't talk. What the heck is going on? Please talk to me.

 

Then really listen.

[ai_hawk]

So,

 

I do that or did that. I am to the point where I am giving up even doing nice things for her. I am always verbally assaulted, in a way, with her but I am not even allowed to express my hurt or frustration. I just smile and put on a fake happy face for her.

 

yes, we attend MC (has been 4 sessions) but she just says nothing and at times just rants at me for things that make no sense and any activities or exercises the therapists gives us to do, she does NOT do it but I do it.

[d0nnivain]

Yikes. I can't tell you what to do next but I can tell you that you are not insane.

[ai_hawk]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Just trying to figure it all out. On my own. It sucks big time. I always do what I can for her whether she says so or not, but nothing for the past few months.

she is just lifeless. And really, since the beginning, never really wants to go anywhere or do anything. Thought it would take some time... but nope, still the same.

 

I tell her that I am always here for her and always will listen, when she is ready. But nothing - she is just phased.

[central]

You set boundaries, and you communicate them. If she won't discuss and negotiate, it's over. If she agrees, then does not uphold her end, it's over. Most likely, it's over, but for you own peace of mind, go through the steps to ensure that you've done all you can before leaving her. This situation is not normal, or acceptable in a marriage or any relationship. You try harder when it's a marriage, but you must still have standards for what you'll accept - abuse (even ongoing neglect) is never acceptable.

[ai_hawk]

Thank you.

 

indeed. I believe its over. Sucks big time since this is my first marriage (2 years) and she makes no effort.

 

What is worse is that WA state is a community property state. So anything I earned in the marriage (through my business, which was made outside of the marriage) she will get maybe 50% of it depending on the court.

 

I moved to the USA from the UK 2 years ago also.

 

*sigh*

[loversquarrel]

Ah....marriage, the greatest con ever known to exist yet men still allow themselves to become the mark of every women's greatest trick. Time to lawyer up.