To Marry Or Stay Single

[Tom2015]

How does a person know whether marriage or being single is the right path for them? There are advantages and disadvantages to both paths. Single people have benefits that married people don't have and vice versa.

 

We learn to take the bad with the good in any path but I think the answer to the above question is real simple and does not need a long post.

 

If I am the type of person who gets overwhelmed by responsibility then defintely forget about marriage. It wouldn't be for me.

 

The same would go for turning down a promotion at work. I am overwhelmed by the responsibility so forget about it. Well I think employers can get a good feel when an employee is afraid of responsibility anyway so they wouldn't have to worry about making a decision to turn down a promotion anyway.

 

I can still date if I want to since not every woman who agrees to go out with me is interested in marrying me. I'll just continue to date and if she brings up the topic of marriage and asks me a direct question then I will tell her upfront that I have no desire to get married and then we just break up. I don't need to reveal the reasons I don't want to marry unless she asks for it.

 

By that same token forget about having sex when I am afraid of responsibility.

Edited November 25, 2018 by Tom2015

[central]

You decide to marry when you find someone you don't want to live without, but you CAN live with (and accept) their flaws. If you get it wrong, get out before it's long term, and are potentially liable for alimony. Or, you find someone who doesn't care about marriage, but can commit as long as you both are into each other and work to maintain the relationship.

[thefooloftheyear]

You would think something with such a colossal failure rate would be outlawed, or at least avoided like the plague...

 

TFY

[alphamale]

if you really want to have kids then you should marry, otherwise stay single

[d0nnivain]

Take baby steps. Life seems to overwhelm you so do what you are comfy with & what makes you happy.

[Happy Lemming]

Staying single has been GREAT for me...

 

It gave me the freedom to pursue the nomadic existence that I desired.

 

For me... If I had gotten married, I would have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to come home, tell me she is leaving me for someone else and taking half of my assets. I don't know that I could have relaxed and enjoyed life if I had married.

 

I also like the variety of dating different women. Every new woman was unique in some way and a new adventure. I craved the thrill of the hunt.

 

My advice... date... have fun... If you never want children, do some research on vasectomies. Enjoy your life, you only get one!!

 

Blue skies...

[snowboy91]

Some say that marriage is an outdated institution, but I won't go into that and assume by "marry" you mean "a relationship for life".

 

With a relationship comes a lot of responsibility - whatever you do in life, you have to consider the other person. You're expected to remain faithful to that one person (unless you decide to open the relationship). You have to invest a lot of time and effort into it, and it's easy to lose your sense of self if you're not careful. But of course there are perks - love, care, emotional support and fulfilment, and of course regular sex! And that's all pretty great.

 

If you're single, you only have to consider yourself... which gives you a much greater degree of freedom but it can get lonely at times. You'd be relying on friends and family for social connection, which may not give you the same level of fulfilment. And no (or inconsistent) sex. But you do get full freedom to explore who you are and do all the things you enjoy without strong influence from a partner.

 

Based on all of that above, the answer to your original question is an individual one, and everyone has their own opinions. I would be perfectly happy being single, and I would have liked to be single longer after my last relationship... but with my current partner I feel like I'm still my single self... but not single.

[alphamale]

Staying single has been GREAT for me...

 

It gave me the freedom to pursue the nomadic existence that I desired.

 

For me... If I had gotten married, I would have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to come home, tell me she is leaving me for someone else and taking half of my assets. I don't know that I could have relaxed and enjoyed life if I had married.

 

I also like the variety of dating different women. Every new woman was unique in some way and a new adventure. I craved the thrill of the hunt.

 

My advice... date... have fun... If you never want children, do some research on vasectomies. Enjoy your life, you only get one!!

 

Blue skies...

 

I agree with all this above

[Malin889]

Speaking as a woman who was engaged to a bad guy, while I can see myself being in relationships again, I canÂ’t really ever see myself getting married. I think there are pros and cons to it and there are the marrying kind and the not so marrying kind. I think being in a no-pressure live-separately relationship with a kind man who also has his life together is just perfect. I already have a child to take care of, I donÂ’t want to have a man to take care of as well. Although, it would be nice to have someone handy who can help me out here and there, with stuff around the house and other things...but a relationship is supposed to be fun. I want someone to have fun with, travel, try new things...

[bathtub-row]

I think David Copperfield said it best. He gave his live-in gf an engagement ring and said that they’re “forever engaged”. He said he behaves badly when he’s married and didn’t want to screw things up with her.

[RecentChange]

Well.... its best to answer questions when they are presented.

 

You do not have to worry about turning down a promotion if you are never offered one.

 

You do not have to worry about getting married if you are not in a committed relationship etc.

 

Personally, I do not spend a lot of time on what ifs, and try instead to live in a the moment, and make choices as the situations arise.

 

I had never planned on getting married, figured I was the foot lose and fancy free type - but then I met someone I wanted to spend forever with. We had actually been living together for 14 years before we legally married. Eventually, for a plethora of legal and other reasons it made sense to make it official.

 

Its funny to me that you view promotions and marriage as responsibility, therefore you eschew them.

 

In my mind at least, marriage, or a long term relationship is both a responsibility, and lightening of burden.

 

In any life, bills have to be paid, dinner has to be cooked, the yard has to be mowed, the dog needs to be walked, the car needs to be repaired, etc etc etc -lots of responsibilities.

 

Now, instead of ME having to do all of those things, I have a *partner* to share my responsibilities with. Together we can accomplish more than each of us can on our own. Together we help each other lighten the load. I have someone to support me, and I support him.

 

I do not see partnered life as more of a burden, but rather less of one. Its me and him against the world, rather than a solo battle.

 

And the same could be said about promotions. Sure, more responsibility, I have to prove that I am competent. But that also means more money, which offers more freedom of choice in life. It means no longer do I have to do everything myself, but rather now I have assistants to delegate to. It means that I earn greater respect, job stability, more money - lots of things that I see as bonus, that give my life greater freedom, despite the additional responsibilities.

[LastStraw]

if you really want to have kids then you should marry, otherwise stay single

 

^This.

 

People that don't want or can't have children have the freedom to stay single, date or be in relationships for as long as it makes sense. But with children - marriage or another form of commitment is necessary to legally and financially protect them.

[Caauug]

^This.

 

People that don't want or can't have children have the freedom to stay single, date or be in relationships for as long as it makes sense. But with children - marriage or another form of commitment is necessary to legally and financially protect them.

As Above Also!

For me, 1st time love (we were young), 2nd time love + benefits ( had to be a "+ benefits"), there will be never be a 3.....

[Malin889]

I think David Copperfield said it best. He gave his live-in gf an engagement ring and said that they’re “forever engaged”. He said he behaves badly when he’s married and didn’t want to screw things up with her.

 

I like this!

[selection]

Well.... its best to answer questions when they are presented.

 

You do not have to worry about turning down a promotion if you are never offered one.

 

You do not have to worry about getting married if you are not in a committed relationship etc.

 

Personally, I do not spend a lot of time on what ifs, and try instead to live in a the moment, and make choices as the situations arise.

 

I had never planned on getting married, figured I was the foot lose and fancy free type - but then I met someone I wanted to spend forever with. We had actually been living together for 14 years before we legally married. Eventually, for a plethora of legal and other reasons it made sense to make it official.

 

Its funny to me that you view promotions and marriage as responsibility, therefore you eschew them.

 

In my mind at least, marriage, or a long term relationship is both a responsibility, and lightening of burden.

 

In any life, bills have to be paid, dinner has to be cooked, the yard has to be mowed, the dog needs to be walked, the car needs to be repaired, etc etc etc -lots of responsibilities.

 

Now, instead of ME having to do all of those things, I have a *partner* to share my responsibilities with. Together we can accomplish more than each of us can on our own. Together we help each other lighten the load. I have someone to support me, and I support him.

 

I do not see partnered life as more of a burden, but rather less of one. Its me and him against the world, rather than a solo battle.

 

And the same could be said about promotions. Sure, more responsibility, I have to prove that I am competent. But that also means more money, which offers more freedom of choice in life. It means no longer do I have to do everything myself, but rather now I have assistants to delegate to. It means that I earn greater respect, job stability, more money - lots of things that I see as bonus, that give my life greater freedom, despite the additional responsibilities.

 

 

 

Marriage isn't just about splitting up household responsibilities but also being responsible to meet another person's needs and being responsible enough to consider the other person's feelings before making any decisions and the potential effect our decisions have on them.

 

So while there are unavoidable responsibilities in single life as another poster stated one is still at liberty to put their own needs and desires first and if they make a decision about something they don't have to worry about how it's going to effect another person.

 

For example a single person is free to let themselves go physically if they want to and not watch their eating habits. If a single person wants to eat pizza every night they can as they are the only ones who have to live with the health consequences. They don't have to worry about becoming a burden on a spouse who would otherwise have to take care of them when they have a stroke or a heart attack. If a single person wants to smoke and they don't care about dying from lung cancer then that's their business. They have no responsibility to think about how it will effect their family as they are single.

 

So I think the OPs point is valid. If a person doesn't like a lot of responsibility then they can forget about marriage.

 

As far as responsibility for walking the dogs and feeding them? Well adopting a dog is a choice a person makes. Nobody is forcing anyone to adopt a pet. That's a responsibility one chooses to take on or not.

[BlondeSusane]

How does a person know whether marriage or being single is the right path for them? There are advantages and disadvantages to both paths. Single people have benefits that married people don't have and vice versa.

 

We learn to take the bad with the good in any path but I think the answer to the above question is real simple and does not need a long post.

 

If I am the type of person who gets overwhelmed by responsibility then defintely forget about marriage. It wouldn't be for me.

 

The same would go for turning down a promotion at work. I am overwhelmed by the responsibility so forget about it. Well I think employers can get a good feel when an employee is afraid of responsibility anyway so they wouldn't have to worry about making a decision to turn down a promotion anyway.

 

I can still date if I want to since not every woman who agrees to go out with me is interested in marrying me. I'll just continue to date and if she brings up the topic of marriage and asks me a direct question then I will tell her upfront that I have no desire to get married and then we just break up. I don't need to reveal the reasons I don't want to marry unless she asks for it.

 

By that same token forget about having sex when I am afraid of responsibility.

When I met my boyfriend he was legally separated and I'm had just broke up with my fiancé. He has filed for divorce after finding out that I'm pregnant. I'm just about right at my due date now (39 weeks) but the divorce won't be finalized until well after my son is born. Though we're both very attracted to each other, he's even more attracted to me now that I'm about to have his first child and son, we don't have any plans on getting married even after he gets his divorce. It doesn't matter to me but there is an age difference, he's 34 and I'm only 22, I've always been attracted to older men anyway. There is also a race difference, which doesn't matter to me either, though it does seem to matter to some of our family member. My relationship with a black man has never been a problem with my mother but for my father he is still undecided. Then there is the matter of my boyfriends ex. Though my boyfriend hasn't lived with his soon to be ex-wife in almost two years she seems very racist towards me or at the very least jealous. She has told me that if she ever caught "my big white butt" alone she would beat the hell out of me, she also said that my baby would never be born, though it looks like that I've just about proven her wrong on the last threat! But no, we have no plans on getting married, a lot of married couples break up after having a baby anyway. Our sex life is pretty amazing right now and I think our relationship will last for many years!

[guest569]

Hi Tom

I don't think it matters to much whether you end up single or married. You will do what is right for you and make choices as these things arise. But I think your fear of responsibility is holding you back. Why do you choose to avoid situations that require stepping up and taking on more? Do you desire more responsibility or the rewards that might come with it? I hate being overwhelmed and getting out of my comfort zone but I do it for the sense of pride and achievement and monetary reward. Responsibility can be a lame chore or it can be opportunity to be independent and capable and to look back on your life and feel like you did something worthwhile.

[lucky-girl]

Marriage isn't just about splitting up household responsibilities but also being responsible to meet another person's needs and being responsible enough to consider the other person's feelings before making any decisions and the potential effect our decisions have on them.

 

So while there are unavoidable responsibilities in single life as another poster stated one is still at liberty to put their own needs and desires first and if they make a decision about something they don't have to worry about how it's going to effect another person.

 

For example a single person is free to let themselves go physically if they want to and not watch their eating habits. If a single person wants to eat pizza every night they can as they are the only ones who have to live with the health consequences. They don't have to worry about becoming a burden on a spouse who would otherwise have to take care of them when they have a stroke or a heart attack. If a single person wants to smoke and they don't care about dying from lung cancer then that's their business. They have no responsibility to think about how it will effect their family as they are single.

 

If you are dating but not married you are still responsible for considering the other person's feelings and how they will be affected by your decisions. To avoid this responsibility by having no relationships at all would be a very lonely existence.

 

Ideally every married person would keep super healthy so they'd never be a burden or die young, but this isn't what happens. I can't imagine the thought of "If I marry I will have to give up smoking because lung cancer only matters if I'm married," ever contributes to the decision whether to marry or not.