How do you overcome trauma?

[manifestsunshine]

I find that I ruminate a lot over past traumas...stemming from a narcissistic parent to bad break-ups (betrayal). I feel all the stress of emotional baggage accumulating in my stomach and body now.

 

I've heard the best way to heal is to relive the traumatic event and to allow (practice non-resistance) all the thoughts and feelings (anger, hurt, sad, pain, etc) that have been repressed....in order to release it from the body. It's really hard going to that place to relive the experience and emotions. I have tried this and at first, it was a cathartic release. Supposedly you're supposed to keep doing it until you feel better.

 

e.g. I will go back to certain situations where my mom was treating me badly and feel the pain inflicted upon me and then release it with anger.

 

Betrayal in a recent relationship, I hear is the hardest to get over emotionally and I think it's impeding my process of "letting go" fully.

 

I sing loudly to music that is related to the emotion I am feeling and my favorite so far is yelling in my car (while driving on the freeway). I feel good but then afterwards I ruminate and soon after, I'm back at square one. I keep getting stuck and can't move forward.

 

Has anyone tried this or have any suggestions of what they did to overcome trauma?...to release, let go and move forward?

 

Thanks

[basil67]

Have you worked with a psychologist? If so, did you find they gave you helpful strategies?

[S2B]

I worked with a skilled trauma counselor every week for a year. That was ten years ago.

 

I learned not to hand MY power to anyone anymore.

 

I learned how useful it is to feel completely neutral.

[major_merrick]

I learned not to hand MY power to anyone anymore.

 

 

 

This. Sort of. While I never went to a counselor, I determined that I was going to never be a victim again, and that I was going to live life on my terms. I survived a rape attempt, betrayal in a relationship, bad parents, numerous fights and attacks, and a police beating. I'm still here. I dragged myself and my sister out of poverty. The world is mine because I took it in spite of everybody else. I win, they lose.

 

People told me to "get over" the past. You don't get over it. You get through it. You use it to make you mad. Truly, frothing-at-the-mouth angry. You make it your fuel to get through sleepless nights. You pay the people back who hurt you, and you use your determination to drive the change you want to see in your life. I'm not neutral, and I don't let go, and I don't practice non-resistance. I became a force of fury going in my own direction.

[manifestsunshine]

Have you worked with a psychologist? If so, did you find they gave you helpful strategies?

 

I am on a budget but I am seeing an LCSW who specializes in trauma this week, so I'm very excited about that. She uses a combination of EMDR, psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapy for treatments. Hoping that will suffice in relief of coping w/ anxiety.

 

I have been house-ridden due to my illness, so haven't been able to see anyone until now, so have just been able to research what I can before getting some help.

[manifestsunshine]

I worked with a skilled trauma counselor every week for a year. That was ten years ago.

 

I learned not to hand MY power to anyone anymore.

 

I learned how useful it is to feel completely neutral.

 

I am hearing once a week is a good time increment if you really need that help so I am trying that as well and perhaps bi-weekly after. I am seeing a LCSW who specializes in trauma (this week), so hoping this will help....as it looks like it's worth the investment. She uses a combination of EMDR, psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapy treatments to address a wide range of symptoms.

 

Is this similar to the treatment methods you have experienced with your counselor?

 

Thanks for your tips!

 

I feel like I have a long way to go but I see clearly where the end destination is now.

[manifestsunshine]

This. Sort of. While I never went to a counselor, I determined that I was going to never be a victim again, and that I was going to live life on my terms. I survived a rape attempt, betrayal in a relationship, bad parents, numerous fights and attacks, and a police beating. I'm still here. I dragged myself and my sister out of poverty. The world is mine because I took it in spite of everybody else. I win, they lose.

 

People told me to "get over" the past. You don't get over it. You get through it. You use it to make you mad. Truly, frothing-at-the-mouth angry. You make it your fuel to get through sleepless nights. You pay the people back who hurt you, and you use your determination to drive the change you want to see in your life. I'm not neutral, and I don't let go, and I don't practice non-resistance. I became a force of fury going in my own direction.

 

I appreciate your story and seeing how brave you are! Definitely resonate with the idea of letting the past fuel your present and future goals. Unfortunately I can't get past the rumination so I definitely need some therapy to help bc I'm not as strong as you are. So happy to hear you came out through this strong and are not letting the past define you. You inspire me. Thank you!

[major_merrick]

I appreciate your story and seeing how brave you are! Definitely resonate with the idea of letting the past fuel your present and future goals. Unfortunately I can't get past the rumination so I definitely need some therapy to help bc I'm not as strong as you are. So happy to hear you came out through this strong and are not letting the past define you. You inspire me. Thank you!

 

 

I can tell you how to get over the rumination, but most people won't agree with me. You have to bring closure to whatever happened, if you can. For my father who hurt me...I literally rejoiced when he died. It didn't bring total closure for all the times he beat me, but having him leave the face of this earth was a good feeling. For my ex-gf who betrayed me and took me for a fool - I ruined her job and her life as I left. People who try to cheat me or make bad business deals - I take them to court and I get whatever I can out of them. Righteous payback. It isn't always possible, but wherever I can I don't let offenses go. Even years later, I come back to collect. It is the best therapy I know of...pretty much the most solid way to take back control.

 

No, it isn't what a "nice" person does. Yes, you can even do it legally. You have to unlearn everything you've been taught from kindergarten on up about being nice and pleasant and playing well with others. If you aren't used to being aggressive, you can learn gradually. Start with something small - for example, begin by learning to raise your voice to an uncalled-for level in situations where there aren't consequences to worry about. Learn how to get physical with people and put on an intimidating demeanor. If nothing else, it will help you avoid being messed with in the future.

[manifestsunshine]

I can tell you how to get over the rumination, but most people won't agree with me. You have to bring closure to whatever happened, if you can. For my father who hurt me...I literally rejoiced when he died. It didn't bring total closure for all the times he beat me, but having him leave the face of this earth was a good feeling. For my ex-gf who betrayed me and took me for a fool - I ruined her job and her life as I left. People who try to cheat me or make bad business deals - I take them to court and I get whatever I can out of them. Righteous payback. It isn't always possible, but wherever I can I don't let offenses go. Even years later, I come back to collect. It is the best therapy I know of...pretty much the most solid way to take back control.

 

No, it isn't what a "nice" person does. Yes, you can even do it legally. You have to unlearn everything you've been taught from kindergarten on up about being nice and pleasant and playing well with others. If you aren't used to being aggressive, you can learn gradually. Start with something small - for example, begin by learning to raise your voice to an uncalled-for level in situations where there aren't consequences to worry about. Learn how to get physical with people and put on an intimidating demeanor. If nothing else, it will help you avoid being messed with in the future.

 

If I may ask, how did you ruin your ex-gf's job & life? I was at that stage in my moments of anger, but they have drastically subsided now. It crosses my mind from time to time but me leaving him (and not staying friends) was the best I could do for me bc it was more-so his loss than mine. He lost my respect and trust, and just didn't feel safe around him. I had to leave to get my power back and dignity back. It's been about a month and my stomach has been tied up in knots though- it's still hard to move on bc the emotional abuse is hard to detach from. Fortunately, he lives in a different state now so I don't have to worry about running into him. I just feel like taking upon any form of revenge, karma will work it's way around to the ex's by leaving them unscathed- so I'll let the notion of hurting others go.

 

Yes I agree in taking back control but I guess I'm trying to be more indifferent about things and am trying not to let things get to me. I don't feel like I need power over someone to feel better but yes if someone is out of line then I will put my foot down. I'm trying to be more outspoken and voice my opinion now. Will level up if I have to but rarely on any occasion do I need to be aggressive to get what I want.

 

You sort of remind me of my ex. He has similar personality characteristics to you and he will put on an intimidating demeanor to get what he wants. I guess that is something I've always idolized about him....being outspoken and aggressive...at the same time not caring what others think. He is a good negotiator and he always had his tactics up his sleeve to get things in his favor.

 

The problem w/ him is he has a hard time keeping friends bc he needs to overpower others to validate himself. He has a very strong personality where he likes to tell people what to do..and push people to be successful in life, but I see only certain people can tolerate him. He's so outspoken that he loses friends quickly and is estranged from family members. I was his only real friend but I can see how it drew people away but I could tolerate him. He says how he feels and is very blunt, so you don't want to be on his bad side.

 

Do you also have trouble keeping and holding onto friends?

 

Even though we were of similar age, I overpowered him w/ my intellect and I guess he became insecure. He has resorted to hanging out with people 10 years younger bc he wants to be that fatherly/teacher figure...and be in control of others. It's like he doesn't want someone to challenge him and degrade his ego...so he'd rather stay in a safe zone of being appreciated and accepted so no one will compete with his own level of intellect. He wanted to be among people he can control and feed his ego for validation, which is probably why he strung me along for so long, so he can get his power back from me from hurting and deceiving me. He wanted my family to validate his successes, which was extremely selfish on his part bc he stopped caring about me a long time ago. I really hate him for doing that. I feel so used and I was unknowingly at that time was just a FWB for him. This is probably why he just wanted to stay friends (which I rejected) bc he couldn't compete, although in a relationship you're supposed to drop the ego and not compete. I guess I made him uncomfortable for so long and his self-esteem disintegrated. It's sad really bc he doesn't want someone who challenges him- rather someone he has to tend to/nurture and hold him back. Hoping he realizes what he has lost sooner than later. His level of maturity does not sync up to mine at all by the way he has acted. He has become emotionally unavailable to protect his ego...which comes with the side-effect of blaming me for everything...and taking no accountability for his actions...only a pity "sorry" that he got caught that he was deceiving me.

 

He also came from a place of poverty as well and his dad left him, so he had to fend for himself and support his family- he learned to be aggressive to get good deals w/ phones, electronics, etc. He even became an auto tech bc he was being taken advantage of...so I understand also coming from a state of frugality, it shaped who he is today. He also always wanted to be a provider and he hated when I paid, but I was trying to help him bc he was barely making it by. He had a lot of insecurities that I wasn't well aware of but it makes sense that he had low self-esteem to begin with, which hindered the potential of our relationship I guess from the start. I think I'm really feeling everything bc of the trauma, deception, manipulation and my ego being trashed. He really shattered me into pieces bc he was someone I fully trusted. My problems stem back from childhood as well, but I have codependency problems bc my mom was a narcissist- emotionally & physically abusive. I have unfortunately always had a bf and need to learn to cope on my own now. I don't want to be in a relationship any time soon. I do know my worth but it's like a mental blockage right now by how I was treated so savagely. My confidence is shattered and the impetus for this event to drive my life in a better direction is nowhere to be found. My motivation disintegrated.

Edited November 27, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[major_merrick]

If I may ask, how did you ruin your ex-gf's job & life? I was at that stage in my moments of anger, but they have drastically subsided now. It crosses my mind from time to time but me leaving him was the best I could do for me bc it was more-so his loss than mine. I just feel like taking upon any form of revenge, karma will work it's way around to the ex's by leaving them unscathed- so I'll let the notion of hurting others go.

 

Yes I agree in taking back control but I guess I'm trying to be more indifferent about things and am trying not to let things get to me. I don't feel like I need power over someone to feel better but yes if someone is out of line then I will put my foot down. I'm trying to be more outspoken and voice my opinion now. Will level up if I have to but rarely on any occasion do I need to be aggressive to get what I want.

 

You sort of remind me of my ex. He has similar personality characteristics to you and he will put on an intimidating demeanor to get what he wants. I guess that is something I've always idolized about him....being outspoken and aggressive...at the same time not caring what others think. He is a good negotiator and he always had his tactics up his sleeve to get things in his favor.

 

Do you also have trouble keeping and holding onto friends?

 

 

 

Well, there's a lot of things there. I'm gonna take the fifth on my methods with my ex. I don't really want to give people specific ideas and then get blamed for the result. Just covering my rear Anything you do has got to be specific to your situation, the laws in your area, etc...

 

I don't believe in karma. I'm not a Buddhist. There's plenty of times in my life where I've tried to do good and been punished for it, and plenty of times when I've done bad stuff and nothing bad has happened. I reject the idea of karma completely. Each to their own.

No, I've never had trouble keeping friends. My husband and I were friends as kids. I am selective about who I have as my friend...I don't consider someone a friend until we've proven loyalty to each other. I don't trust people easily, which is why betrayal is a deeply personal thing. So I have trouble making friends, but the friends I have I tend to keep.

 

Yes, I can and will intimidate to get what I want. Or for no reason in particular just to stay in practice. It is an art form, just like anything else. One special trick is to act aggressive without "feeling" aggressive, if that makes sense. Essentially, to put on a facade. I detached myself a long time ago from the need that some people have to be thought of as a "good" or "kind" person. My real friends know me for who I am underneath...the rest of the world's opinion isn't that important. It is a survival trait.

 

In general, I have a more aggressive attitude than my husband. He's very capable and can be intimidating if he needs to be, but he likes to make people feel comfortable. He's social, loves a party, and has a streak of generosity that I never could understand. When we were younger, he was always trying to tone me down and get me to behave myself. I think my bluntness embarrasses him sometimes. We complement each other, which is a wonderful thing. I'm his backup when he needs it, and he's good at soothing and cuddling my savage side.

[manifestsunshine]

Well, there's a lot of things there. I'm gonna take the fifth on my methods with my ex. I don't really want to give people specific ideas and then get blamed for the result. Just covering my rear Anything you do has got to be specific to your situation, the laws in your area, etc...

 

I don't believe in karma. I'm not a Buddhist. There's plenty of times in my life where I've tried to do good and been punished for it, and plenty of times when I've done bad stuff and nothing bad has happened. I reject the idea of karma completely. Each to their own.

No, I've never had trouble keeping friends. My husband and I were friends as kids. I am selective about who I have as my friend...I don't consider someone a friend until we've proven loyalty to each other. I don't trust people easily, which is why betrayal is a deeply personal thing. So I have trouble making friends, but the friends I have I tend to keep.

 

Yes, I can and will intimidate to get what I want. Or for no reason in particular just to stay in practice. It is an art form, just like anything else. One special trick is to act aggressive without "feeling" aggressive, if that makes sense. Essentially, to put on a facade. I detached myself a long time ago from the need that some people have to be thought of as a "good" or "kind" person. My real friends know me for who I am underneath...the rest of the world's opinion isn't that important. It is a survival trait.

 

In general, I have a more aggressive attitude than my husband. He's very capable and can be intimidating if he needs to be, but he likes to make people feel comfortable. He's social, loves a party, and has a streak of generosity that I never could understand. When we were younger, he was always trying to tone me down and get me to behave myself. I think my bluntness embarrasses him sometimes. We complement each other, which is a wonderful thing. I'm his backup when he needs it, and he's good at soothing and cuddling my savage side.

 

Haha, I don't blame you! was just curious!...and pardon me for thinking you were a male LOL. I enjoyed this twist.

 

As far as revenge goes, he already knows I was too good for him bc I overpower him intellectually, so I'm going to just let that thought linger with him forever bc I guess he had to seek revenge upon me to overpower me, bc he never could. I think just saying no to friendship hurt him bc he thought he was going to still be in my life forever, being ignorant of what he did to me. Crazy how he would think I would be OK, with him backstabbing me...I just don't get it! I guess me using my words was the most powerful thing for me overtaking physical action in response to his revenge bc I knew I hit him where it hurts.

 

It's interesting to see how casually "karma" is used online and I guess a part of me is intrigued in wanting to believe in the notion that it's feasible...although I do see now that you are completely right! I guess for me, I just want some form of control/emotional blanket by believing in it, but yeah there's infinite possibilities and just have to go on without any expectations.

 

What a wonderful story! I'm happy to hear that I totally understand you in regards to friendships and I feel like the older I get, the harder it is to find ppl to connect w/ that you trust. I am very selective as well and have hit a rough patch since friends are in another chapter of their lives so it's easy to lose touch. I'm done w/ superficial relationships but yeah just trying to find more enjoyment in being alone now. Just connecting w/ ppl online, in general, is bringing me comfort that there are likeminded ppl out there- so it gives me hope! I appreciate you sharing your story

 

I admire your confidence! I'm trying to detach myself from my mom's narcissist personality so I'm hoping to overcome my codependency issues- but I know that's part of the reason why I'm not so assertive and have been a people pleaser so I put on a "nice" facade bc that's how I coped to deflect rejection. But now I'm adjusting myself to be more selfish and vocal..tending to my needs now. I think my external persona is intimidating in general so I feel like I don't need to work as hard internally lol.

 

The thing I want to do is try to flip off the intimidation externally and I don't know how to! Right now I have a hard time just relaxing and smiling- super tense. Totally agree we just need to be ourselves though. I'd rather have a friendlier/approachable exterior and have to use intimidation if I need to. My ego is super shot right now so I know I need to work on my confidence but know one point in time was happy and was approachable by random strangers so that gives me hope it could happen again.

 

Do you find that you are an approachable person?

 

I love the dynamic between you both! I am definitely more like you and my ex was like your husband. I think he appreciates your bluntless bc that translates into honesty. My ex was blunt and I admired that bc he wasn't hiding anything and there was a lot of transparency.

 

Have you both been together for a while and what are the major qualities that are important in your relationship? It sounds like you both have a great emotional connection.

 

Oh, also, have there been times where you there were anything you wanted to change about your partner? If so, did you change them or how do you handle situations like these? ...in regards to mannerism/habits/things that annoy you that he does?

Edited November 29, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[major_merrick]

 

Do you find that you are an approachable person?

 

I love the dynamic between you both! I am definitely more like you and my ex was like your husband. I think he appreciates your bluntless bc that translates into honesty. My ex was blunt and I admired that bc he wasn't hiding anything and there was a lot of transparency.

 

Have you both been together for a while and what are the major qualities that are important in your relationship? It sounds like you both have a great emotional connection.

 

Oh, also, have there been times where you there were anything you wanted to change about your partner? If so, did you change them or how do you handle situations like these? ...in regards to mannerism/habits/things that annoy you that he does?

 

 

Am I approachable? My husband sometimes calls me a cactus! Strangers typically will not walk up to me to start a conversation. I sometimes have men hit on me...they get an aggressive unwelcome response. I guess it is something I've learned since I was a kid - to give off a "don't mess with me" vibe around people I don't know.

 

After being friends for more than fifteen years (going on 20!), loyalty is number one. We've been there for each other time and again, to the point where the friendship was so close we couldn't live without each other. It even kept us as friends when we broke up years ago. Physical affection (both sexual and non-sexual) is major for me. I need it from my husband and my GFs. He's very affectionate with me and always has been. Even when we weren't in a relationship and even when he was married to someone else I could always count on curling up in his arms.

 

Yes, there's things I would change. I wish he would take better care of his health and life. I've changed through growing up and becoming a mother, but he still takes risks. He has a kind of self-esteem issue (I guess) and doesn't realize that if he were to die there are many people who would grieve terribly. But he's always in the front of any trouble, danger, or conflict like he thinks he is immortal or that he has something to prove. I know there are things that he fears, but he doesn't show that side of himself to me. I haven't found a way to deal with it, and it can drive me crazy, especially in recent months. We had a tornado over the weekend! Our property was damaged, and our neighbor's property caught fire afterward due to a broken electric line and damaged fuel storage. My husband and the neighbor and his sons fought the fire since the county fire truck couldn't reach us due to wreckage blocking the road. The men nearly got surrounded by the wind-driven fire, and could have lost their lives. Near misses like that are tough for me to deal with...but my husband must have nine lives like a cat because he always comes through it. I didn't worry much years ago, but now things are different.

 

Little mannerisms don't bother me much. Sometimes, though, when I'm upset he'll kiss me and say "Oh, you're just too cute." Like I'm a small badly behaved pet with sharp teeth....I find that a little infuriating.

 

 

So how have you tried to detach from your mom's personality? Have you ever tried to simply distract yourself from ruminating by being busy? My husband does this...he has some issues from the past, but he buries it by having lots of things to do and people to be around. Does being alone bother you, or make you depressed?

[gaius]

Having some kind of purpose or motivation in life can help. I've run across a few women who are constantly consumed with their anxiety, trauma, whatever else you want to throw in there because they can somehow stay home, not work, yet still eat and pay the bills. They end up having the financial ability to do nothing but wallow in their sorrows and not have to worry about it. Which ends up keeping them in that mindset indefinitely.

 

When you have bills to pay and other people to take care of you have less time for all that reminiscing. Your mind kind of naturally clears it so you can do what needs to be done. I honestly don't know a ton about you other than you mentioned you were housebound, but you might find that dropping whatever support system is allowing you to be that way and putting your feet to the fire, getting back out there helps quite a bit.

[BaileyB]

When I had a traumatic event, I went to a counsellor who suggested to me that I purposefully not relive the memories over, and over, and over again... because, it has been found that this simply "hard wires" these memories in your brain and actually re-traumatize you, again and again.

 

I thought that made good sense, so I tried hard not to do it. When the memories would surface, as they sometimes would, I would feel them, grieve, and then let them pass through me... like all feelings and memories tend to do.

 

There is also a movement afoot to do just as gaius has suggested - at my work we call it "solution focused coaching." Not to dismiss your experiences, but they have long passed and there is nothing you can do about it now. You can't control what happened to you, but you can most certainly find purpose and move forward in a more positive way... Perhaps, you can find a new counsellor, life coach, or self-help book to help you to consider another path...

 

Best wishes.

[Veronica73]

There is also a movement afoot to do just as gaius has suggested - at my work we call it "solution focused coaching." Not to dismiss your experiences, but they have long passed and there is nothing you can do about it now. You can't control what happened to you, but you can most certainly find purpose and move forward in a more positive way... Perhaps, you can find a new counsellor, life coach, or self-help book to help you to consider another path...

 

I don’t know what the answer is. I had some pretty serious trauma a long time ago, and mostly dealt with it by trying not to think about it and minimizing it. After all, there isn’t anything I can do about it now and it wasn’t my fault. Unfortunately, a recent life event has kind of “reactivated” me, and brought back all these horrible feelings from before. I wonder if I had dealt with the original situation earlier in a more direct, head-on way, I might not be having such a hard time with it now. Anyway... I just recently started seeing a psychologist who specializes in trauma. I guess I’ll see how it goes.