Wife fell out of love

[Confusion101]

First time here. My wife and I have been married 18-years and have two kids 11 and 8. About 7-years ago I did an incredibly stupid thing and had a brief affair. I was lucky to have her allow me to come back. We attended therapy and, like I’m sure most couples in that situation, got lots of unsolicited advice on what we should do. We decided to move to a new town and basically start over. My attitude towards her and our marriage changed, becoming much more positive. Having one of those experiences where you just about throw everything away will do that to a guy.

 

She eventually returned to work after the kids started school and has been involved in a number of other organizations. Over the past few years she has become more and more distant, choosing to work or do just about anything than be with me. I found myself becoming resentful and will sometimes vocalize this resentment. It is difficult to see her interact with others much more positively than me. Kind of like, “why don’t you talk to me that way”. I’ve expressed that I want to have a closer relationship and that we need to work a bit harder as a team.

 

The other day something happened and we had a real barn burner of a discussion. I said that I thought she internalized things and that she wasn’t letting me in. She finally told me that what I did 7-years ago bothered her more than she let on and that she really didn’t love me “like that” anymore. She let me back because of pressure from others, but was never really comfortable with the whole thing. She feel’s like she let herself down and gave in.

 

She’s really difficult to get to open up and has put up a higher wall than usual. But my fear is that she is not willing to try and help make things better. That she has decided that she’s not going to love me anymore and that is that. I don’t want our marriage to end, quite the opposite. I’m really not sure what to do.

[Lil Honey]

Confusion:

 

Since she brought up the affair again, it's still out in the open . . . fair game to comment on (unpleasant as it may be). You should tell her that you did, in fact, hurt her and you are aware of it. Remind her that you moved away from the old location to make a new start - with HER. Let her know that the distance that you've been experiencing is hurtful to you. (She won't show sympathy, but hopefully she will realize that enough hurt has been passed around.)

 

Be sure that this is a very frank discussion without any interruptions. Ask her to go back to counseling with you.

 

Here is something else to think about: Do you spend as much time trying to make her happy as she preceives you spent making the OW happy?

 

I really must say that I've had feelings similiar to other women who have "fallen out of love" but I let it go too long. It got to the point where I was no longer attracted to my husband. He started feeling like a brother to me and it was downhill from there.

[Lil Honey]

Okay, since this is nearly a carbon-copy of GuySimple's post, you may want to read those responses.

 

Sorry, I'm a bit slow on the upswing today . . . *sigh*