Niece needs to grow up

[MrsB]

My 20-year-old niece is driving me up a wall. She is estranged from her mother (who is a piece of work) and is paying her own way through college. She lives on campus most of the year, spending her breaks with us. Niece (I will call her N) has become increasingly more difficult to deal with over the last year. Very entitled, especially when it comes to attention. She texts my D non stop and gets upset when she doesn’t respond immediately.

 

She has anxiety issues and has gotten what I see as spotty treatment for it throughout her life. My SIL was too preoccupied with her own life to care and my MIL (who raised N) didn’t do a great job with her own kids to know how to guide N in the right direction.

 

So N came to stay with us over Thanksgiving break. The day before I was to pick her up she asked if we were going to my brother’s house for dinner. I told her yes, and she said “good. I’m not one to turn down free food!” Then proceeded to ask if I thought she could ask my brother to take a plate home with her. My brother is a chef and makes just enough with little left over (what is left becomes his lunch for the week. So we don’t ask.

 

I told N this and she said “like he would miss one plate”. At this point my D chimed into the group ext and told her that it was rude to ask, that my brother pays for that food and if it’s not offered, you don’t ask.” N’s tune changed and she said “I’m just happy to be included”.

 

N also eats an insane amount of food. I stocked up before her visit and it’s gone. Once she finished the snacks and quick foods I bought for everyone, she went into her bag and dug out her OWN snacks and offered none to anyone else.

 

A couple weeks ago I took my kids to visit my sister. It was our first trip away in nearly a decade and my kids were looking forward to it. I did not ask N to go, as my stepmom was going too and offered to pay for the hotel and meals. I wanted to spend quality time with my kids and stepmom and sister and didn’t feel that I needed to invite N.

 

The entire weekend N texted us about nonsense (memes mostly) and got quite angry when we didn’t respond immediately. The last straw was when she didn’t get an immediate response on a meme and said “well I guess you guys are having too much fun to respond...but you would be having a LOT more fun if I had gone too!”

 

N will be staying with us the whole month of Christmas break. I need advice on how to deal with this. She is nearly an adult, but has no manners, no couth (talks about her bodily functions openly, interrupts conversation to interject her own info (frequently incorrect), and burps/farts at the table. She won’t pick up after herself and will stretch out on the sofa so no one else can sit there. Just now my D (who is currently sick) sprawled out on the couch.

 

N spread out too, eventually pushing D into a corner. Then put her head on D’s lap. She said “ow!!! You hit my head with your knee! I’m concussed!” I said “N, sit up on your side. Don’t lay. D, you sit up too. N said “I need affection. So I needed to put my head on D’s lap.” D is SICK!!! The last thing she needs is to have someone’s head on her lap!

 

N has friends. She is always talking about her friends at school and everything they do. But she still can’t get enough attention.

 

Help?

Edited November 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

Your niece is attention and affection seeking probably because she really needs some attention and affection. Sounds like she got rejected by her own mother and that has long lasting effects.

 

You know she wasn't taught proper manners and social behaviour so why don't you help her out? Without being judgemental about it. If you can have a genuinely caring heart to heart with her then do that. But if that makes you feel uncomfortable then type up the rules of the house, such as, No laying on the furniture, No elbows on the table, etc. Then print them off and when she visits next just say "hey, I noticed that people are getting lax with their manners so I printed up some rules and I expect everyone to abide them" Then give a printout to everyone, don't single out your niece.

 

I don't know how old your daughter is but if she is close in age to your niece then stay out of their disagreements and let your daughter handle herself. Likewise when you are in a disagreement with your niece your daughter needs to stay quiet and let you handle it. No fair ganging up on one person.

 

Lastly give credit where credit is due and don't sweat the small stuff. The girl is paying her own way through college and she deserves some kudos for that. Your complaints about her are over extremely minor things and considering her upbringing she could have turned out with real serious issues. Sending excessive texts and bad manners is hardly worth getting upset over. Be a positive guide in her life and when she seems needy think how your daughter would feel if she had your SIL for a mother. Do you think she would miss having a loving caring mother in her life? Do you think maybe she would have grown up to have some social awkwardness? Cut this girl some slack

[d0nnivain]

When she does things like spread out, ask her point blank right then & there why she thinks it's appropriate? When she eats everything & doesn't share what she brought, again ask her why she thinks that is OK? If you point out the errors hopefully she can correct them.

[basil67]

She can't grow up without the guidance to do so. Her previous role models failed her, so now it's up to you to gently direct and help her.

[Mr. Lucky]

A couple weeks ago I took my kids to visit my sister. It was our first trip away in nearly a decade and my kids were looking forward to it. I did not ask N to go, as my stepmom was going too and offered to pay for the hotel and meals. I wanted to spend quality time with my kids and stepmom and sister and didn’t feel that I needed to invite N. The entire weekend N texted us about nonsense (memes mostly) and got quite angry when we didn’t respond immediately. The last straw was when she didn’t get an immediate response on a meme and said “well I guess you guys are having too much fun to respond...but you would be having a LOT more fun if I had gone too!”

 

You seem vested in your role in her drama. You could temporarily block her texts or even (gasp!) turn your phone off and enjoy family time without distraction.

 

She only has the amount of power in these exchanges you give her by responding and paying attention to her reaction. Detach and disengage, the behavior will stop...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Clavel]

i think everyone has already said that your going to have to finish raising your niece. someone's got to do it.

 

my concern is her food issues. maybe you need to lock up the food. or hide it.

 

and when she says "free food' point out that it is not free, someone paid for it, someone that wasn't her.

 

and since christmas is just around the corner, why not buy her some books on manners, like miss manners.

 

some day she is going to want to be in a relationship. and who ever her significant other is, they will certainly have parents who are going to judge her manners and deportment and i can't imagine getting in your future mother in laws good graces by farting at the dinner table.

 

i married into a huge family of boys/men that would fart at will, tho not in front of nana, and i warned them, one bad smell around me and i will puke on your shoes, i promise you! and i've done it.

 

kids can learn.

 

and aside from her food issues, i kinda of like the fact that she is able to ask for affection, out loud. and since your daughter was to sick to comply. why don't you hug her?

 

she sounds like a good kid, considering everything, she just needs a bit of polish.

 

if she wants to text you non stop and bring up the fact that you all went somewhere without her, just say, you are welcome to join us. drive your car, full with gas you paid for and stay in a room you paid for and meet us at all the meals you will have to pay for.

 

i presume since this will not happen, you're safe.

 

btw, i have a nephew(one of the fart brothers) that showed up at my oldest daughters baptism, in the church, at the altar with his pants hanging off his ass to the point that you could see his boxers(thank god he was wearing underwear tho i can't vouch for their degree of cleanliness). i told him, thank you so much, it means the world to me that you rolled out of bed before noon to be here with us and just so you know, your uncle and i are going to wear that exact same out fit to your wedding.

 

i won't wish you good luck because i don't think you will need it, i think you are doing great and i want to give you kudos for taking her in. and for loving her. as hard as that may be sometimes.

 

well done.