My MM's Wife IS Not Budging

[jerseyglines]

I read some threads here about their MM not divorcing their wives due to a variety of reasons (money, children, etc). I am in that same boat and it is frustrating. I really want to have a normal relationship with him without that "other woman" stigma. We do go out in public but we are still being careful.

 

His family and some of his friends know me but I can still feel the judgment even though my MM tried to justify our actions to them. It does not help that his wife with the southern girl charm is an independent career woman...so they see me as the home-wrecker party girl with no job (in my defense I had a great job in sales but it was so stressful so i decided to hand in my 2 week notice and help out my MM man with his pharmaceutical business).

 

Anyhoo since he is not filing for divorce I tried to take matters into my own hands and posted our pictures in social media where I know his wife and their common friends can see it. I put in captions of how happy and inlove we are. I hanged out more with his friends and family so that they will get to know me better (making a good impression) and talked openly about our rel to my own family and friends hoping to pressure him and his wife to do something.

 

My MM seems to be just contented with our situation and I have not heard a peep from his wife. She is so silent. When she first found out about our affair she was pestering me, my man, and my man's family about what we did. It has been months already and I have not heard from her. Does this mean that she cooled down and finally accepted our relationship?

Edited November 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

She knows exactly what you are doing, OP. It's a very transparent ploy. My guess is that she is happy to continue allowing you to make a fool of yourself with this.

 

Yes, her husband is a sleaze. But hey, you're chasing after him too so obviously she's not the only one willing to overlook his very obvious character flaws. You are going after the wrong person anyway. If he wants to stay married, he will think of ways to get her to stick around.

 

It's time for you to drop the desperate other woman role and take back your dignity. If he wanted to be with you, fully and honestly, he would be. He isn't going to give you the relationship you are looking for.

[Scarlett94]

I don't know, she might be just gathering evidence for a divorce. Even in a no fault state such blatant infidelity will work in her favor in dividing property up. Also the time he spends with you is less time for his children so she's going to win in that area also.

 

If you think you are making a good impression on his family well I've got a bridge to sell you lol.

 

Why are you blaming her? He could easily get a lawyer and file for divorce. The question is..... Why hasn't he?

[elaine567]

Your problem is with your MM not with his wife.

HE is not filing for divorce. You need to ask yourself why.

You may have claimed him as "my man", but the question is how does he see you?

Have you got together, because he wanted you and left his marriage FOR YOU or have you got together because his wife found out and kicked him out?

That may give you a clue as to why he is stalling. If his wife kicked him out then he may still have hopes of reconciliation with her.

Be careful, you seem to be "all in" with a man who may not see you in the same way.

 

Also if you stay with him, the "other woman" stigma may follow you around for years if not forever, you will always be that to those who choose to see you in that way.

[d0nnivain]

No. She knows that you can't hold a candle to her & in time your MM will throw you over for a newer, younger, smarter, more successful model. She's the wife and she's not going anywhere. The more you try to normalize things, the more foolish you look.

[BaileyB]

Anyhoo since he is not filing for divorce... My MM seems to be just contented with our situation and I have not heard a peep from his wife.

 

What you are not getting here is that your problem is with your MM, not his wife.

 

The sense of entitlement in this post is stunning! This man is married to another woman and he has shown you that he has no plans to file for divorce. Your position is precarious here, there is absolutely no garantee that you will get your man... Absolutely agree with Donnivain, the more you try to normalize this, the more foolish you look indeed...

[Wallysbears]

So she either doesn't care to divorce him OR she's gathering all the evidence in the world to make sure that she takes him for every single penny possible in a divorce - and you are giving her more and more ammo for that.

 

Whichever way it is, you're the one looking silly in this, not her.

Edited November 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

So his wife used to "pester" you when she found out about the affair. She has since gone silent for several months and now you are trying to bait her out of silence and you are upset that she's not biting.

 

It sounds like part of the fun of the affair for you was feeling like you were winning. Like you took a man away from another woman and you enjoyed the validation of the negative attention from her. It's bothering you that she no longer regards you as anyone meaningful and has risen above having petty squabbles over a cheater.

 

Instead of simply enjoying the fact that his wife has left you alone to go about your life you've decided to attempt to torment her some more. So immature. If you are mad that your MM is not divorced then take that up with him. It's not his wife's job to make you happy.

[bathtub-row]

I feel like this must be a joke. Do you seriously think that you’re making a good impression on others? They’re most likely laughing behind your back. And your cavalier attitude toward MM’s wife is nothing short of appalling.

 

One lesson you’re going to learn the hard way — people may judge the MM for his indiscretion but it’s the OW who will be judged the harshest. Not only that, but any future guys you date are going to wonder at your poor judgment. Or, let’s say MM actually divorces his wife and marries you. Now that you’ve been so enthusiastic about your affair, he’s going to take that as a green light to have an affair while married to you. And then you can be the subject of public ridicule by the OW who flaunts the affair as though it were something to be proud of.

 

I hope you will stop this heartless behavior and think about what you and your married bf are doing to his wife.

[Simple Logic]

Maybe the wife is confident allowing him sex with his mistress because she knows it is short term thing.

[pepperbird]

op,

this isn't about his wife. it's about your mm who is too chicken**** to divorce, and you really need to stop blaming his wife for that.

 

 

 

 

I know it's easier to blame her than him, but reverse the situation.

What do you think his wife thinks about the affair? do you thin she blames him or you?

 

 

 

That's the thing. A person who cheats does so because they are okay with it. He's also fine with the status quo as it stands right now. In fact, he may even be seeing other women too, because that's who he is at heart. If he really wanted to be with you full time, he would start the divorce process. He hasn't, and that is really all you need to know.

[bathtub-row]

Btw, if you live in the States, you can actually be sued by the wife. She may have gone quiet because she’s gathering all the evidence you’re so publicly displaying.

[ABernie]

My MM's BW was very vocal towards me in the first 2 months (DD#1 and DD#2). I have not heard from her since I told her to stop harassing me. (Although I fear everyday turning onto my street seeing her car or any unfamiliar phone number.)

 

Often after Dday, emotions are high.

[Artdeco]

Well, what does he have to say? You have a relationship with him, not her. When you say he seems to be content with the situation, but you are not, then you have to tell him what you want and need. Leave the wife out of it. She’s none of your business. She’s his business and he has to deal with her. That’s his job, not yours. He will act as he sees fit, and if he does nothing, then that’s your answer. And then act accordingly. Your decisions should be based on the R between you and him, not you and her.

[Amethyst68]

I'm curious you say you're met his family and friends, do you mean his parents and siblings or some offshoots of the family? Same with friends, are they his close friends or his "going out" buddies?

 

Are you included in family gatherings, do they see you as his partner? Were you at theThanksgiving table? Will he wake up with you on Christmas morning? Does he stay with you overnight and if so, how often?

 

I'm asking these questions start thinking about how much of an actual life you have against the fantasy you have built up in your own mind. Look at his reality when he's with his wife and kids.

 

Maybe his wife doesn't do anything because she doesn't have to, maybe she's been trying to get him to leave but he won't, after all why should she be the one to leave the home if he's the one that doesn't want to be married. As the others have said she could be sitting waiting in hope for the next time you post as it's going to be of benefit to her when she does finally divorce, who knows. The person who's motives you should be concerned with is MM who is happy with the current status quo and will do nothing to change it!

[BluEyeL]

I don't understand. What do you mean the wife is not budging? Your boyfriend is the one who should and doesn't want to file for divorce. I guess he's just not that into you.

[ladydesigner]

So his wife used to "pester" you when she found out about the affair. She has since gone silent for several months and now you are trying to bait her out of silence and you are upset that she's not biting.

 

It sounds like part of the fun of the affair for you was feeling like you were winning. Like you took a man away from another woman and you enjoyed the validation of the negative attention from her. It's bothering you that she no longer regards you as anyone meaningful and has risen above having petty squabbles over a cheater.

 

Instead of simply enjoying the fact that his wife has left you alone to go about your life you've decided to attempt to torment her some more. So immature. If you are mad that your MM is not divorced then take that up with him. It's not his wife's job to make you happy.

 

OP why are you so focused on the BS? This is the same thing that is told to us BS's when we take issue with OW/OM after D Day why focus on the OW?... and they are right you should be focused on why your MM isn't leaving and why you continue to put yourself in the position of OW.

[Normm]

I really want to have a normal relationship with him without that "other woman" stigma.

 

You need to be realistic. The only way that's ever going to happen is if you meet a guy who doesn't go home to his wife every night.

 

in my defense I had a great job in sales but it was so stressful so i decided to hand in my 2 week notice

 

How is it defensible that you quit a great job because you couldn't handle the stress? Life isn't easy- find a way to deal with it without running away. Now you're dependent on this married guy for your income. If things go south you lose him AND your income source.

 

I hanged out more with his friends and family so that they will get to know me better (making a good impression)

 

I'd be surprised if any of his friends and family will accept you in a positive way being that you're attempting to undermine the marriage.

 

 

We do go out in public but we are still being careful.

 

 

Careful of what? You've already met all his friends and family while trying to make a good impression.

 

 

My MM seems to be just contented with our situation

 

He's got the best of both worlds. Mistress to go out with, wife at home to take care of the daily tasks and who knows he might still be getting it from her, no way you can possibly know.

 

Does this mean that she cooled down and finally accepted our relationship?

 

Anybody's guess.

[RosannaTMI]

The same situation here. Our wife is comfortable with everything. As long as her husband is at home on time. And bills get paid. And she gets to shop at Chanel.

 

It also could be that he loves both you and her. He might never be able to make a decision, and as long as he is comfortable at home, he will never move. Why would he move? He has everything he needs, a home and a stable extramarital relationship. Why would he put a strain on his finances, and start over from the scratch?

 

Unless you are a fly on their wall, you will never know for sure what their marriage is like, no matter what he is telling you. It is quite possible that they are best friends, a team, closest partners in everything. She probably learned how to avoid the confrontations and accepts things as they are - this is her way of fighting for her marriage.

[stillafool]

The wife has nothing to do with it. A man does not need his wife's consent to divorce her. If he isn't divorcing it's because he doesn't want to, isn't that into you or as usual has been lying about the state of his marriage. If he's not divorced to be with you by now it's because he doesn't want to be.

[anika99]

The same situation here. Our wife is comfortable with everything. As long as her husband is at home on time. And bills get paid. And she gets to shop at Chanel.

 

It also could be that he loves both you and her. He might never be able to make a decision, and as long as he is comfortable at home, he will never move. Why would he move? He has everything he needs, a home and a stable extramarital relationship. Why would he put a strain on his finances, and start over from the scratch?

 

Unless you are a fly on their wall, you will never know for sure what their marriage is like, no matter what he is telling you. It is quite possible that they are best friends, a team, closest partners in everything. She probably learned how to avoid the confrontations and accepts things as they are - this is her way of fighting for her marriage.

 

Our wife? Lol...you consider the betrayed spouse in your situation as your wife as well? Can't say I've ever heard an OW refer to the MM's wife as "our wife" before. It sounds so strange.

 

But I do agree that there is no way to truly know what is going on in another person's marriage, especially if only hearing one person's side.

[misspalmy]

shes one with a cheater lol

[pepperbird]

shes one with a cheater lol

 

 

They both are.

 

 

I just don't get it. Why do some refuse to see what's right in front of their nose? A man or woman who will cheat to be with you isn't trustworthy.

[LastStraw]

They both are.

 

 

I just don't get it. Why do some refuse to see what's right in front of their nose? A man or woman who will cheat to be with you isn't trustworthy.

 

Think what is she gaining from staying with him.

 

I’m assuming she doesn’t give a sh*t for him as a person, and sexually they are probably done, but she’s gaining something else (money? home? status?) so she’s ready to put up with you for the sake of this gain. So what it is that benefits her?

[Starswillshine]

Think what is she gaining from staying with him.

 

I’m assuming she doesn’t give a sh*t for him as a person, and sexually they are probably done, but she’s gaining something else (money? home? status?) so she’s ready to put up with you for the sake of this gain. So what it is that benefits her?

 

She is hoping, just like the OW is hoping, he will chose to be with only her. Except the BS has so much more to lose than the OW. It is very presumptuous to assume she doesnt care for him. I would say in most cases, she loves him very much and in most cases, they are indeed knocking the boots. As she is trying to get him to be with only her. The BS and OW are the same, except one has much more reason to hold on.