12 years later and it's over just like that

[bear-dude]

Hello!

 

This is my 1st post in this awesome forum. I have read a lot of threads that have helped cruise through a current separation. Here is my story:

 

I have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids. As all marriages, we have had our ups and downs. My wife did express to me that I needed to make changes and pay more attention to her in the past few years. I honestly thought I did the best I could by always being there for her and did make changes here an there. This past July, things have started becoming awesome between us to the point that we tried having another child. I was SO HAPPY.

 

Then she goes on a week long work trip. She comes back as a different person. She was cold to me and won't even let me touch her. I felt like I did something wrong and she was mad at me for something. She changed her phone's password, asked to split our bank accounts and said she needs space and wants to "miss me."

 

2 weeks later, she calls me up and she says that she wants us to separate. I took it calmly and asked if we could at least go see a counselor to see if there anything to be saved. We went once and she asked that we stay living in the same house, finish the basement and her move down there. I accepted.

 

Then I started questioning the whole thing. I checked our phone records and there I found that she has been talking to this guy (who happened to be on that trip) for 3-4 months (some calls were in the 45+ minutes range). A few weeks later, she said that she had to go on another work trip within the US. I found out that she lied about where she was going. She went to where that guy lives. When I confronted her. She said that it is purely professional and that he was not the only person on the trip because the company she works for needed his expertise. She lied because she knew I would overreact. She also apologized. I confronted her 2-3 more times and with a straight face, she denied any kind of relationship. Two days ago, I get this pop up showing flight dates to the state where this guy lives. These flight dates are around the same time, she said she has a work trip (abroad). It is not sure yet because all the dates on those flights were different. So I am going to wait and see.

 

I started to get my s*** together and have been going to the gym and doing the 180 method. Some days are good and others are just plain bad for me. I still want to be with her because I feel I took her for granted. I also don't want to be complacent and let myself go as I have done in the past. The pain is very real.

 

Any input from you guys will be very helpful.

 

Cheers

[anika99]

Sorry this has happened to your family.

 

You cannot "nice" a cheater out of their affair and back into their marriage. By all means, work on yourself and on any areas of your life that need improving, but do it because you want to be a better person, not for the purpose of winning your wife back because she doesn't care.

 

Right now you are giving your wife all the power. It won't work but let's say it did work. Let's say she notices your changes and she becomes so impressed by your changes that she immediately drops her lover and wants to reconcile the marriage. What has she learned? She has learned that she can control you. She has learned that she can change your behaviour by causing you pain. She has learned that cheating benefits her and she will do it again.

 

Usually the only way a person stops a certain behaviour is when that behaviour starts to cause them pain or have negative consequences. Right now your wife is feeling no pain. She has everything she could ever want. She gets to have a boyfriend and a husband. She gets to keep her dependable married life while still living it up like she's single. She gets to live in the same house, keep her dutiful husband to help her coparent and pay bills and have sexy fun times with her new boyfriend. She has no incentive to change anything. She will keep this up forever or until she has secured her next husband.

 

Doing the 180 is good for you. It helps you to focus on your own life and keep your sanity but if you want to repair your marriage you're going to have to push your wife off the fence. Tell her she either ends her affair and commits to the marriage or she moves out.

[bear-dude]

Sorry this has happened to your family.

 

You cannot "nice" a cheater out of their affair and back into their marriage. By all means, work on yourself and on any areas of your life that need improving, but do it because you want to be a better person, not for the purpose of winning your wife back because she doesn't care.

 

Right now you are giving your wife all the power. It won't work but let's say it did work. Let's say she notices your changes and she becomes so impressed by your changes that she immediately drops her lover and wants to reconcile the marriage. What has she learned? She has learned that she can control you. She has learned that she can change your behaviour by causing you pain. She has learned that cheating benefits her and she will do it again.

 

Usually the only way a person stops a certain behaviour is when that behaviour starts to cause them pain or have negative consequences. Right now your wife is feeling no pain. She has everything she could ever want. She gets to have a boyfriend and a husband. She gets to keep her dependable married life while still living it up like she's single. She gets to live in the same house, keep her dutiful husband to help her coparent and pay bills and have sexy fun times with her new boyfriend. She has no incentive to change anything. She will keep this up forever or until she has secured her next husband.

 

Doing the 180 is good for you. It helps you to focus on your own life and keep your sanity but if you want to repair your marriage you're going to have to push your wife off the fence. Tell her she either ends her affair and commits to the marriage or she moves out.

 

The OM lives in another state. Does matter?

[smi11ie]

OK,everyone here knows that this is a full sexual affair. She is planning an exit. She will try her best to make it look like a marriage breakdown after having tried her best including going to marriage counseling. It's all BS. The last thing she wants is to be exposed as a cheater so that's exactly what you should do. Get evidence and expose her to friends and family. If she behaves completely unreasonably you can use the threat of exposing to her workplace. You know the truth but you need evidence. A private investigator, an audio recording, copies of emails / texts,or anything else you can think of. Also do some research on this guy and find out if he is in a relationship with anyone else. If he is then contact his partner ASAP.

 

 

I almost forgot, you should seek legal advice immediately.

Edited November 26, 2018 by smi11ie

[Bryanp]

You need to contact a lawyer at once to protect yourself and your children.

[bear-dude]

OK,everyone here knows that this is a full sexual affair. She is planning an exit. She will try her best to make it look like a marriage breakdown after having tried her best including going to marriage counseling. It's all BS. The last thing she wants is to be exposed as a cheater so that's exactly what you should do. Get evidence and expose her to friends and family. If she behaves completely unreasonably you can use the threat of exposing to her workplace. You know the truth but you need evidence. A private investigator, an audio recording, copies of emails / texts,or anything else you can think of. Also do some research on this guy and find out if he is in a relationship with anyone else. If he is then contact his partner ASAP.

 

 

I almost forgot, you should seek legal advice immediately.

 

I have already spoken to a couple of lawyers. I have my mind set on one. For some reason, I want wait it out until this supposed trip going to happen (2 weeks). The flights she has been looking at at take off from a local airport. I can locate her car too. Once I know she is headed his way, I will contact a local private investigator then I will file right away.

 

Deep inside, I wish it didn't have to come to this but I need to have factual proof. I know I have not been perfect and parts of me want to work thobgs out. Ughh.

[smi11ie]

I know it's horrible but you should assume that she has no intention of working things out with you. You have the makings of a good plan. Stick to it and share NOTHING.

[Mr. Lucky]

Deep inside, I wish it didn't have to come to this but I need to have factual proof.

 

bear-dude, I'm a big proponent of fighting for your marriage. If both partners will do the work, it's possible to survive extensive marital damage, affairs included.

 

But...

 

You need to also protect yourself emotionally and financially, life will go on even if your marriage doesn't. You can - and should - start the separation process, it doesn't mean you have to get divorced. It does tell your WS there are consequences for her actions.

 

I know I have not been perfect and parts of me want to work thobgs out. Ughh.

 

She will use these feelings to keep you close, but not too close. You become Plan B, the fallback option as she test drives this new relationship. You're not dealing with the same woman you've been married to for the last 12 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

All cheaters lie a lot. Your wife is a very typical cheater nothing special at all except it’s happening to you.

 

You are doing “pick me dance”. Which will just make her boyfriend look superior to you.

 

She’s been screwing him for awhile and your actions are telling your wayward wife you accept it.

 

Sounds like you’re in denial and making excuses to do nothing. Meanwhile they will bond even further. At your expense.

 

Better wake up

[bear-dude]

Can someone please tell me how I can act when she is around at home? I have a lot of resentment and sometimes anger which sometimes make me become nasty to her. What I mean how can I act with dignity and integrity? This is until I file of course.

[Orokotikki]

Can someone please tell me how I can act when she is around at home? I have a lot of resentment and sometimes anger which sometimes make me become nasty to her. What I mean how can I act with dignity and integrity? This is until I file of course.

 

Be as cordial and kind as you can around her, but work on yourself and arrange to be home less often. If you are going to blow up in anger, just leave - go for walk, or drive to to the gym and hit the track for an hour.

 

This is important: Spend more time away at the gym or with friends, work on detaching and building a life which doesn't revolve around her.

[bear-dude]

Be as cordial and kind as you can around her, but work on yourself and arrange to be home less often. If you are going to blow up in anger, just leave - go for walk, or drive to to the gym and hit the track for an hour.

 

This is important: Spend more time away at the gym or with friends, work on detaching and building a life which doesn't revolve around her.

 

I try to but I am very attached to kids (I do most of the busing, activities and being home when she away for work). I also allowed myself to have no friends and concentrate on my family which is hurting me now. I also don't think she knows that I am already talking to a lawyer because she probably thinks that I don't have it in me. I want to make sure I have all my tracks covered before serving her.

[DKT3]

I try to but I am very attached to kids (I do most of the busing, activities and being home when she away for work). I also allowed myself to have no friends and concentrate on my family which is hurting me now. I also don't think she knows that I am already talking to a lawyer because she probably thinks that I don't have it in me. I want to make sure I have all my tracks covered before serving her.

 

I don't believe you. I think you are waiting and hoping that something changes or it's all some kind of mistake.

 

I've been there, as has most of the posters here.

 

Truth is wayward spouses respond to strong actions not indecision. Stop pretending like you're getting things in order and start acting. Confront her with divorce papers. No need to wait til she runs off with this guy. We all know what you're really waiting for is her not to go.

 

You say how do you act around her, the answer is make her feel as uncomfortable as you feel. Odds are she isnt looking to exit the marriage, most only say that after the have been caught. Blow up her double life, shake the trees and see what's left. No need to wait.

 

My brother told me years ago when I was in your position, "your only looking to prove she isnt cheating because you already have more then enough to know she is" he was right.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can someone please tell me how I can act when she is around at home? I have a lot of resentment and sometimes anger which sometimes make me become nasty to her. What I mean how can I act with dignity and integrity? This is until I file of course.

 

You've already posted your own answer:

 

and doing the 180 method.

 

Lots of detailed, step-by-step instructions on how to keep your dignity, integrity - and sanity! It might help to re-read daily...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

It only works if you apply it fully.

 

Is the other man married. Exposure without warning is about your only weapon in these situations but a lot are to weak to use it.

 

Better get stronger quick they are way ahead of you

[bear-dude]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

It only works if you apply it fully.

 

Is the other man married. Exposure without warning is about your only weapon in these situations but a lot are to weak to use it.

 

Better get stronger quick they are way ahead of you

 

Other dude is not married.

[bear-dude]

So now that I know that there is a chance that she is going to see him in the next 2 weeks. Should I blow it up right before she leaves or wait for her to get there?

[Marc878]

Exposure is about all you have to try and end an affair. It's tougher if you don't have evidence like texts, emails, phone bill info.

 

Can you get access to her PC or phone? Place a VAR in her car?

 

VAR = voice activated recorder. If she's talking to him it's a good bet it's while she's in the car.

[bear-dude]

Exposure is about all you have to try and end an affair. It's tougher if you don't have evidence like texts, emails, phone bill info.

 

Can you get access to her PC or phone? Place a VAR in her car?

 

VAR = voice activated recorder. If she's talking to him it's a good bet it's while she's in the car.

 

I do have phone records. No VAR. Also her car being in the same town as where he is.

[Marc878]

I do have phone records. No VAR. Also her car being in the same town as where he is.

 

Her car is there now?

[40somethingGuy]

Can someone please tell me how I can act when she is around at home? I have a lot of resentment and sometimes anger which sometimes make me become nasty to her. What I mean how can I act with dignity and integrity? This is until I file of course.

 

Make sure your wife knows the kids will find out her selfishness ruined your family. I wouldn't worry about being cordial. She is the enemy and you're going to battle.

[bear-dude]

Her car is there now?

 

Nah. He actually lives 9 hours away.

[bear-dude]

Make sure your wife knows the kids will find out her selfishness ruined your family. I wouldn't worry about being cordial. She is the enemy and you're going to battle.

 

Part of me wants to do that bad.

 

Get this. She just called and texted me saying that she is not feeling well and acting needy. I was cold to her and didn't acknowledge. I almost feel like telling her to call the other dude but she will deny it and say that she already swore on the life of our kids that nothing is going on.

Edited November 27, 2018 by bear-dude

[Marc878]

Nah. He actually lives 9 hours away.

 

You missed my point. She talks to him in her car on the phone. With a VAR you get what she saying to him. Understand?

[Crazelnut]

Do not do ANYTHING until you get proof. Seriously. If you don't have hard proof, I promise she will try to flip the script and make you out to be the bad guy. Get the PI on her. Put a VAR in her car or wherever she is most likely to call him.