Update: MM left twice and went back

[Rebelnoir]

So I think the last time I posted here was earlier in the year. I just wanted to update anyone who remembers. My old thread is locked now, but has all the details of what happened, so I won’t rehash it all.

 

MM and I didn’t speak for about 5 months at the end of last year/start of this year, but we started talking again when the baby was about 3 months old. At that point it was very much still about how we missed each other etc. But things changed a lot when we didn’t speak. I think this was mainly because I had a lot of counselling, and figured out some of my own issues. Also the lack of contact helped. It forced me to see the situation as it really was, accept it was over and start moving on. I hit complete rock bottom, and had no choice but to pull myself together. I will never allow myself to be in that situation again.

 

Between April and August we spoke regularly but there was no physical element to our relationship. In August we slept together once, and honestly it just felt so wrong that it hasn’t happened since and I’m pretty sure it won’t again. The week after it happened I joined an online dating site, and met a guy who I’ve been dating since.

 

MM really struggled with that, and from what he says is further behind in getting over the affair. He still says he loves me, I’m the love of his life etc. He’s hurt I’ve moved on. But honestly, I now see that as his stuff to deal with. For the first time, I’m focusing on myself and not how he feels. I am over him, I don’t want to be with him, I barely reply to his messages and I just want him to be happy.

 

Alongside this has come a lot more guilt over the pain and hurt that we both caused his wife. This is the thing I hate about myself the most, as she didn’t deserve any of it. Sometimes I’m tempted to contact her to apologise but I don’t know how she would feel about it. They are in a good place, and I don’t want to disturb that. So I’m leaving it be.

 

The best thing I did for myself was refuse to contact him when he disappeared. And now I won’t let myself get close to him beyond niceties (we work together). I don’t want anymore than that. I’m just so glad it’s all over, and excited for what the future holds.

 

It’s not all perfect, the A had caused me so many trust issues (which I

Feel bad saying, because his wife must feel this too), and it impacts my current relationship. But my new partner knows the situation and is understanding, which helps. Anyway, I just wanted to let anyone who is where I once was that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[BaileyB]

It sounds like you have come a long way. Well done.

 

I wish you all the best in your new relationship.

[overtherainbow1]

Good for you. Hopefully you learned and grew and can find someone that appreciates you enough to honor your boundaries of wanting an exclusive, loving, and open (for the world to see) relationship.

[closetohome]

Rebel, it sounds like you are in a much better place. I’m curious, did he ever explain why he ghosted you like he did? Did you have to be around him constantly at work? How did it start up again?

[Rebelnoir]

Rebel, it sounds like you are in a much better place. I’m curious, did he ever explain why he ghosted you like he did? Did you have to be around him constantly at work? How did it start up again?

 

Yes I’m in a much better place, thankfully.

 

The ghosting...I don’t think I posted it on here but in August last year he actually told me that his wife was pregnant with his second child. They had gone away on their holiday to ‘figure things out’ (which I think was around the last time I posted here) and she’d gotten pregnant shortly after. He waited to tell me until he had no choice because he had to tell work. So he’d known she was pregnant and was still with me. I didn’t handle it very well, I was angry and he went off sick from work and just ignored me until April this year.

 

We randomly bumped into each other at work, and talked and from there it carried on for a few months emotionally, and one time where we were physical. But that one time was the breaking point for me (not all the other stuff for some reason?!) and a switch just flipped in my head.

 

We do see each other at work. He avoids being in the office as much as he can, which is helpful. But it’s different now. We are civil. We can talk and I just don’t feel the same way, so there’s no temptation to fall back into the affair. In a way I feel guilty for that...because everything I did was in pursuit of what I thought was true love, and my soulmate. Now I know it was neither, and it just seems like a big mess was created over nothing. But I think we are both happier. I don’t want him in my life in any significant way. He would like things to carry on, and is struggling with the end of things, but I have no sympathy. I also think I’ve had longer to process the end than he has. I knew when she got pregnant again that it was over.

[FoundMyStrength]

...but I have no sympathy.

 

 

Glad you're in a better place, Rebelnoir. That sounds pretty damn traumatizing, how he handled his wife's pregnancy.

 

 

This quote says it all. I'm not sure why they act like we should be infinitely patient and sympathetic with their "plight." When, in fact, they do virtually nothing to help us cope with the emotional aftermath.