Any chance of getting her back?

[Lostlove67]

My ex and I were together for a year before the breakup. We had talked about separating a few times before but never did. We were together in person for 3 months at the start then it became long distance with us visiting each other for a month after just about three months each time.

 

We rarely argued with the exception of that last visit in which we were both stressed on a trip with other friends and never really got the time alone to talk and work on things. We left each other very sure that we wanted it for life, but we had disagreements once every two months or so on whether life would fall in place to get us together and how to go about it. In a year we had maybe 5 actual arguments with any sort of aggression, everything else of was a disagreement once ever month or two.

 

She is going through a lot in life and does not handle stress well. Over the last two months before the split we had numerous disagreements but wanted to see in person living together rather than just give up on it. The last month things were perfect as we bother mentioned to each other and we both thought we got over the hard part.

 

We had a last argument that was not that big but based on how to go about getting together and I made the mistake of calling her selfish and she took it in a wrong manner as me saying I wanted her to give her career up for me and she called and said she wanted to end it. I never have clarified that miscommunication as I got caught in the anger of the argument and after it being done I tried to play it cool until I saw my moment.

 

We talked about things and she said that she felt I deserved to see her in person to figure it out and that she would take the night to think about it. We then talked the next day and she said that she feared that things would continue to go in circles and just couldn’t risk doing this right now because of her schooling and other personal emergencies going on. This is what was emphasized as the biggest reason. She also said she couldn’t ignore her doubts any more and didn’t want to try again because if I didnt work she would just have to hurt me again. She finished with saying that she couldn’t give me what I needed right now and that I was amazing. I mentioned the future that I wanted to try again and she said I should just focus on getting everything I wanted in life and not focus on getting her back.

 

We went a week with out talking then by chance I got an opportunity to move to her city which is my dream location anyway. She called after I texted her the news clearly excited. She made inside jokes about marriage, called me baby, and opened up and cried to me about all that was going on.

 

Over the next 3 weeks we texted each other often started by me and we caught up on what was going on. I called her and we talked again, mostly about how the progress on me figuring out the move was and about how she was doing. I made her laugh the whole time and the chemistry was still clearly there. I asked about spending New Years with her and she said that she was going to be with family but that we’ll have years together to celebrate it there at some point. We also talked about a dinner date when I arrived and she told me she was very excited and that I had to buy her a beer too!

 

After that I helped her with some school work and she sent smily faces and winks and wanted me to keep her updated on any news of progress on moving. It seemed to me as she was coming back around. Then I asked her if I could stay at her place for a few weeks during a period that she said she couldn’t risk seeing me already do to something coming up that would have made it much easier to take care of at the location and I did not have money for flights and stay.

 

She texted back that she wouldn’t be at her place during that month and that she just couldn’t do this now. I apologized for asking and said I just had to see my options for fixing the problem. After she replied that she thinks I have false hope and thinks it’s better if we stop having contact.

 

I gave her the space she wanted until I needed help with a letter that proved I had a host needed for getting permission to move in the country. She was the only person I knew there and could not get an apartment or hostel paid for at that moment as I need a little more time to save up. I asked her for help three or 4 different times over the span of 2 weeks and she ignored and blocked my whatsapp. She still follows me on Instagram and watches any story I post (maybe not purposely but one was watched instantly) and is friends with me on Facebook and Snapchat.

 

Any adivce on how to proceed? I will hopefully be moved to her city in January. Obviously she needs more space especially since she has an early December deadline and is still dealing with her family emergency, but does it seem like there is no chance? Is it just me or were the signals that she sent not adding up and mixed even though the last one seemed clear? Thanks for any advice!

Edited November 26, 2018 by Lostlove67
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[healing light]

Do not move to the city unless it's truly what you want to do independent of her. It sounds like she is not as invested in this as you are and I do think that continued contact would give you false hope. Only move there if you truly want to and are okay with things if either one of you ends up dating someone else. Give her the space that she needs and wants if she's blocking you on social media. Assume things are over.

[d0nnivain]

If you would move to her city even if she didn't live there, go. Talk to her when you get there after you settle in.

 

If you are moving for her, don't.

[preraph]

She's freaked out by your inability to get your own self settled without needing her help. I would be too. You're sounding like a liability with all your needs and can't afford this and that.

 

Drop it and move there if that's what you want to do even if she's not going to see you. Otherwise, don't. Once you're there, employed, bought a house or rented an apartment, have transportation, and everything is working, then contact her and let her know all that.

[Lostlove67]

It’s definitely the case that I want to live there no matter what. I just find it weird that she would block me on only one way to communicate with her when we always used multiple ways to get in touch based upon which method was working best that day.

She now has a few of the major things that were causing her stress in life out of the way, I was thinking about messaging her for Christmas just to restablish some kind of contact instead of just popping up in January or February and asking to meet in person, is this a bad idea? It would be after over a month of no contact and almost three months post break up and 2 months since she showed signs of wanting it back.

[Normm]

I just find it weird that she would block me

 

 

You appear to be missing something important. Or she's just the type that when it's over, it's over and she has no further use for you or interest in staying connected. Then again you are seeing signs that she's watching your online activities so that brings us back to you are are missing something.

 

I was thinking about messaging her for Christmas just to restablish some kind of contact instead of just popping up in January or February and asking to meet in person, is this a bad idea?

 

Depends on your goal. If you need her simply to write that letter for you, it can't hurt to contact her and wish her a Happy Holidays or whatever so it's not obvious you just want that letter- although it appears she isn't going to help you out regardless so you've got nothing to lose.

 

If your goal is to try to remain friends I'd advise against it. Friends with ex's even if possible is always painful for the dumpee who has to sit there and watch some other guy claim what used to be his territory.

 

If your goal is to try to get back together I'd say you're wasting your time by chasing after her and spending so much time and effort monitoring her- it's just not good for you and she's clearly not interested in reconciling.