Boyfriend and his sister

[Afrin]

Yes i do work and most of the people are older than me and has family. I am thinking of going to sports club and you are right lot of things changed this year. It takes time and i am gonna be fine. I am still fine. It was just a discussion. About break up he has that disorder so may be thats why we broke up several times. He gets angry so quickly over small stuff. I am still learning ...life goes on u know ..

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Afrin.

 

About break up he has that disorder so may be thats why we broke up several times. He gets angry so quickly over small stuff.

It's good that he got a medical diagnosis, but, for him, that is only the beginning of the work that he needs to do, for which he is responsible (to himself, and also for all the people he cares about,

and also for all the people whom he wants to love and care about him). He has the mental capacity and faculties, so he needs to be actively working to find and learn the best coping strategies,

so that he can ensure that he does not just use a medical condition as his excuse or justification to behave poorly or to mistreat other people.

 

If he does not see the need to do this, then you might want to seriously reconsider him as a suitable-for-you long-term or life-long partner. (Yes, love is "for better or worse, in sickness and in health",

but that does not excuse him from not doing his best.) You deserve at least for him to be trying and to keep trying.

I dont even know what kind of disorder i have.

There isn't any reason to think that you have any kind of disorder. . Almost all of us were not taught a very high quality of life and relationship skills, and constructive coping strategies, so,

like you, we've mostly had to 'learn as we go', as well.

 

For myself, I found the following resources very helpful: The Emotional Competence Framework and Emotional Intelligence for Everybody.

 

Sending you hugs, and wishing you the best.

[preraph]

Well, he has some problems. You have to bring up important things, but you should let this go and tell him you understand.

 

You need to realize that you will mess up any relationship being too clingy and understand that every person needs some free time on their own. It's a lot of pressure for most people to have some other person around all the time. You are lonely because you have no family there, so use this time to maybe communicate with your family or old friends and to take up a hobby where maybe you will make a new friend. He's doing nothing wrong here. You need to take all the pressure off him about it and realize you can't be with him 24/7 because most people get tired of that. You both need separate interests and a break to make your time together more fun.

[Afrin]

Thanks, Ronni. I like how you described this. Yes he should work on his temper and should not take things sooo seriously in short period of time.

 

Hi, Afrin.

[Gaeta]

I do not have any family member and i like to be surrounded by people. We are together for 6 months including dating and living together. I understabd that i have to get over about this. I was married for 12 years and no kids. This year i seperated. Then i met him and i am deeply in love with him, cant think of breaking up

 

You've set yourself up for some more hurting. Within a year you divorced, met a guy and moved in with him right away then you wonder why you've broken up several times in this big 6 months relationship! Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

Somehow this relationship I feel too strong, never did so much for anyone like this before. I cant switch partner around it takes time for me to decide finally that i am not happy and need to move on with my life.

It feels too strong because you are infatuated, and that not being in love. Infatuation is often dysfunctional and toxic, it keeps us from seeing the person for who they really are. You're right you cannot switch partner just like this that's why when you divorce and break up you take time ALONE and you take care of yourself, you lick your wounds, and get back on your feet, this way you make better choices when you pick your following partner.

 

I suffered a lot in life, its like i am a sponge and kept absorbing things all the time.

So why rushed into moving in with a stranger? It makes no sense. It took you 12 years to get out of a bad relationship and you jumped right into another one.

 

He also has some kind of quick anger problem and sometimes he heard me saying things which i didnt even say. He thinks i said it and takes it negatively and get soo angry and start smashinng things and hurting himself..

Why do you want to deal with this at all? This man adds only pain and hurt to yourself, you've known him only 6 months, you don't have to go through this, break up and go spend some time by yourself to rebuild yourself.

 

I don't Believe in karma, I don't Believe you should accept this treatment because somehow you deserve it. I believe we are 100% responsible for what we bring into our life and 100% of the sh%t we keep in our life as well. Aren't you tired of being in difficult relationships?

[d0nnivain]

I do not have any family member and i like to be surrounded by people. We are together for 6 months including dating and living together. I understabd that i have to get over about this. I was married for 12 years and no kids. This year i seperated. Then i met him and i am deeply in love with him, cant think of breaking up. We already broke up like several times in 6 months, i struggle a lot with this relationship from the beginning and feel fear of break up. I do not handle break up very well. Somehow this relationship I feel too strong, never did so much for anyone like this before. I cant switch partner around it takes time for me to decide finally that i am not happy and need to move on with my life. I wish i have my family here and things might be much easier that way. I suffered a lot in life, its like i am a sponge and kept absorbing things all the time. But i was strong about my seperation but that took me like 12 years. I think its just the begining of our relationship, too emotional. It will take time i guess. He also has some kind of quick anger problem and sometimes he heard me saying things which i didnt even say. He thinks i said it and takes it negatively and get soo angry and start smashinng things and hurting himself. I used to do that like 8 years ago, breaking my laptop. But not anymore. You know its funny that whatever i did to my ex husband its happening to me. The way i used to behave with him exactly same way my current partner behaves. Its called Karma i think. I told my ex so many times that i am breaking up with him and he get stressed out, same thing happening at my present life. Not used to beleive this kind of thing before, but its happening. I am amazed!! And Now i act same as my ex towards my partner. Life !!!

 

 

OMG. You have only been with this guy 6 months, you live together already & you have already broken up "several" times. Everything about this is too fast & horribly unstable.

 

This is not healthy at all. You say you like to be surrounded by people. That is the root of your problem. You have no idea how to be alone. You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Until you master that all you are going to do is squeeze too tightly to any man you're with until you squeeze the life out of your relationships.

 

I'm shocked that you were previously married. From your post I thought you were early 20s struggling with a first adult relationship.

 

You need to find your own voice & learn to be independent. Until you do you will never have a fulfilling relationship.

[anika99]

I used to have a boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was hell and I would never do it again.

 

What kind of help is your boyfriend getting and for how long? I used to think I loved my mentally ill boyfriend more than I had ever loved anybody too, but looking back I don't think it was really love driving our relationship. I did grow to have true love for him but that was after knowing him for years and after learning to keep him at a safe distance. That was when I had grown to love him in a healthy way which meant moving out and taking care of myself and my needs while still giving him support.

 

But our first few years together, when I was madly passionately in love. When he would go into a rage and dump me for nothing, when he would falsely accuse me of doing horrible things and call me the most horrific names. When he would make me so fearful of him that I actually wondered if he was going to kill me someday. When in spite of all that I steadfastly held to him because I loved him. I don't think that was really love. I think it was the number the relationship did on my head and my brain chemistry. The extreme highs and lows, the horrible breakups followed by passionate make ups, the being constantly on high alert, never sure what will set things off. All the drama was just keeping me in a constant state of high emotion. Everything was so exaggerated and over the top. It was so unhealthy and it actually followed the pattern of most abusive relationships.

 

Guess what else? I started dating this guy within 4 months of ending another longterm relationship. I hadn't planned to get so heavily involved so quickly but this guy (the borderline) swept me off my feet like I had never been swept away before. He was so attentive, so caring, so smart. I couldn't believe my luck at meeting him. I was lost in a romantic fantasy where I thought I was finally getting the man I deserved. My only concern was at how fast he wanted to move things along but I wasn't about to let him get away just because of some silly fear on my part. We moved in together after 8 months of dating and thus began our abusive dyfunctional relationship.

 

Eventually I stumbled across a support site online for people who have Borderline loved ones. I think that site was called BPDFamily and I think it still exists so you should look for it. When I found it and read the stories of others I felt a mixture of relief and sadness. Relief at having found a bunch of people who knew and understood exactly what I was going through and sadness at the realization that my relationship wasn't special. It wasn't some magical fated by the universe greatest love of all time that I had to suffer for, it was just your basic run of the mill dyfunctional relationship. These people all thought they were having special unique relationships too at one time. They had all had the feeling of being more in love than they thought possible. And they had all come to understand that they had actually become ensnared in sickness.

 

You have become isolated and needy, most likely your borderline has contributed to this. I bet you also have a lot less confidence in yourself than you used to have. He is wearing you down and slowly chipping away at your self esteem. It only gets worse from here. I would suggest that you at least move out and get some counselling.