Been married 5 months, and I have major resentment towards my husband

[rdavis3]

I've been married to my husband for 5 months. I resent him for a lot of things. I had just had a baby in February and had told my husband that we might want to think about pushing our June wedding out. He thought I was just having cold feet. I didn't look the way I wanted in my dress, my family was complaining about how expensive things were getting. I was in fact getting my dream wedding, but I was so uninterested. 8 weeks out, and I was begging my husband to do something smaller, even a small wedding in Vegas (that my dad agreed to pay for and also give us 10k as a wedding gift). Husband wouldn't budge. So we got married in June. I wrote my wedding vows off google about 20 min before the ceremony. His idiot aunt showed up so drunk that we had to wait 30 minutes for her to show up to proceed. His Dad was just being his typical "showsman" self. I didn't feel the intense resentment until I saw my wedding photos. Sure, some of them were nice, but not what I wanted. Everyday since, I have had this severe resentment towards him. I want no affection from him, and my patience is like non existent. I feel like he ruined it by not listening to what I wanted. I take my ring off for weeks at a time now. He lies about dumb things. I'm basically not sure where to go from here. Any suggestions?

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS.

 

 

Can you share with us why you picked this guy?

 

 

What dumb things does he lie about?

 

 

For what things are you losing patience with your husband at the moment?

 

 

Why did he insist on a showy wedding?

[Wallysbears]

Have you spoken to your doctor about postpartum depression at all?

 

Based off what you have written, I'm wondering if you aren't struggling with postpartum depression and are directing those feelings (because they are CRAZY...when I had PPD I was angry or upset/crying or depressed at the most tiny things) at your new husband and marriage and the wedding instead?

[rdavis3]

Well, I picked him because he is a sweet, caring, loving man. We had a lot in common. Same type of sense of humor. It just worked.

 

He lies about stupid things. Things from the past. For example; he told me he played college football, & was even the Caption. He even went as far to say that he wanted his college football number tattooed on him. One day we were having a convo,and he said he couldn't afford a letter jacket. So me feeling bad, did a little homework to see if I could somehow order this thing from forever ago for him for Xmas. Come to find out, he only played freshman year....and he didn't even really play. This was a big WTF moment because I've heard so much about this our entire relationship.

 

I'm loosing my patience in general. Sometimes, he acts like a 12 year old. And it's stressful because I'm a full-time mom to a 9m old, so I get my fill of child interaction.

 

He says that he wanted me to have my "dream" wedding. It turned into his dream wedding. And turned into my headache.

[rdavis3]

@Wallysbear

 

I've been looking into it. Do you think I could have PPD even 9month out?

[Garcon1986]

How much does he share of the baby duties?

 

 

What are things he does that are like a 12 year old? Was this present before and after the marriage or just after?

 

 

Are you saying your husband changed after he got married? In what ways is he a different man now?

[Wallysbears]

@Wallysbear

 

I've been looking into it. Do you think I could have PPD even 9month out?

 

absolutely you can! It can last for like 2 years.

[GinON]

Sounds like communication issues so far.

You may be afraid to assert yourself because you fear he will leave due to some sort of fear of abandonment. So you keep your desires polite, hoping he will do what you want but he doesn't have enough information. Men respond to action and we are told from a young age that if a woman tells you she wants a small, cheap; ring, flowers, wedding, etc., its BS and that we will pay for it later if you dont go all out, every time. You have to spell stuff out for us, we don't read minds or understand emotions as well as women.

 

He probably wants to please you which is nice but a turn off especially when he is pleasing what he thinks you want. If he isnt listening it could be because your angry and when you tell him your feelings it comes off as an attack, which makes him avoid listening...

 

I am probably projecting a lot here, but hopefully its useful.

[bathtub-row]

I think you may be more pissed off with yourself. At any point in time, you could’ve insisted on not going through with the wedding. Yes, your husband is also culpable for pressuring you but you’re just as responsible for what happened. Maybe you should think back as to why you went through with it. Maybe deep down you really wanted to marry him.

 

As far as his lies, that’s something you need to talk to him about. Otherwise you’ll get more and more annoyed with him every time he brings it up. You should also let him know your feelings about having been pressured into the wedding. One sure thing about marriage - if you let things fester, it will destroy the two of you. Communication is key. Now, if you talk and he doesn’t want to listen or doesn’t care about your perspective, then you have a real big problem.

[RecentChange]

A wedding is one day.

 

A marriage is the rest of your life on this earth.

 

Which is more important?

 

How long did you know this guy before having a baby with him? Before marrying him?

 

Why did you use "had" as in the past tense - do you not have much in common with him now?

 

Do you regret agreeing to be the mother of his child, to be his wife, or do you regret the wedding?

 

Those are two very different things.

[d0nnivain]

While it's understandable that you are upset that your vision didn't come through, there are hiccups with everybody's weddings. Mine was married by a lot including the death of my husband's grandmother 2 weeks before the wedding. I hated my dress too. The limo forgot to pick up my parents. My MOH was a drama queen. Blah, blah blah. You know what? None of that matters.

 

Let the wedding go & concentrate on your beautiful child & reconnecting with your DH.

 

I will share with you that the 1st year of marriage was really hard for me. It was an adjustment to learn to function as a unit. Once I got the hang of that, things got better. Focus on all the good things about your husband & find your way back to a happy place

[Wallysbears]

While it's understandable that you are upset that your vision didn't come through, there are hiccups with everybody's weddings. Mine was married by a lot including the death of my husband's grandmother 2 weeks before the wedding. I hated my dress too. The limo forgot to pick up my parents. My MOH was a drama queen. Blah, blah blah. You know what? None of that matters.

 

Let the wedding go & concentrate on your beautiful child & reconnecting with your DH.

 

I will share with you that the 1st year of marriage was really hard for me. It was an adjustment to learn to function as a unit. Once I got the hang of that, things got better. Focus on all the good things about your husband & find your way back to a happy place

 

Yes!

 

You're newly married which is NOT always sunshine and rainbows as romance stories would lead us to believe.

 

You're trying to get used to living together, combining finances, etc PLUS you guys have a new baby.

 

And babies can TRULY SUCK and mess up a relationship for a while. You're tired. Your hormones are all over the place. You have a new being who literally depends on you 1000% for every.single.need.

 

Try to hang in there.

 

Any chance your family could baby sit and you guys could get just a night out? Alone?

[Mr. Lucky]

A wedding is one day.

 

A marriage is the rest of your life on this earth.

 

Which is more important?

 

Amen.

 

rdavis3, an awful lot of "I,me,my" in your post when you're now officially "us". For the sake of your child, I hope you focus on what you do have in your marriage rather than resenting what you don't...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

He lies about stupid things. Things from the past. For example; he told me he played college football, & was even the Caption. He even went as far to say that he wanted his college football number tattooed on him. One day we were having a convo,and he said he couldn't afford a letter jacket. So me feeling bad, did a little homework to see if I could somehow order this thing from forever ago for him for Xmas. Come to find out, he only played freshman year....and he didn't even really play. This was a big WTF moment because I've heard so much about this our entire relationship.

 

 

The spoiled wedding is one thing, but ^^^ this is a very serious problem.

Marriage is built on trust, this is a breach of trust. Add in the acting like a 12 yo, the continuance of the lying and the degree of resentment felt, then I suggest you pack yourself and your baby up and go home. This is not going to work.

[basil67]

A wedding day is not important in the grand scheme of things. I think it's far wiser to focus on the marriage than a fairy tale wedding which didn't work as you wanted. It's been and gone, so best let it go and focus on the things you can change.

 

With respect to your husband exaggerating his football past, the roots from this type of behaviour often come from low self esteem. While it's annoying, I wouldn't view it as a dealbreaker. I'd be more concerned if he's actively deceiving you over current issues. Does he lie about things which impact you, your child or how you're managing your life?

Edited November 27, 2018 by basil67

[Mrschaney]

How old are you? It seems silly to still be upset over a wedding that wasn’t perfect 5 months later. Especially since you have a baby and a new life to get on with. Let it go. Move on.

[BettyDraper]

I understand your disappointment. My engagement and wedding were not what I wanted and I was angry for years. Eventually, I learned to let it go because the most important thing is I got to marry my husband.

 

 

 

Women are taught that our wedding day is supposed to be perfect so there is a huge let down when we don't get what we envisioned. Be happy that you had a lovely wedding with your family! My husband and I eloped because we couldn't afford the wedding we wanted. My mother was being very cruel as well as controlling. We didn't want her around on our special day.

 

 

 

Remember that marriage and becoming a parent are both monumental transitions. Maybe you just need more time to adjust to your new role.

[anika99]

I feel like you really need to identify what is bothering you first because you are really all over the place here.

 

If you are mad about the wedding then I think you're going to have to let that one go because it's done and over with. You can't go back and make your wedding not happen and your husband can't either so no sense in still being mad at him about it. If there is an ongoing problem with him not respecting your feelings regarding other issues then you need to take that up with him. Also if he has a habit of lying that needs to be discussed with him.

 

Lastly do consider that you may still be suffering from some PPD. Talk to your doctor. Unresolved resentment is a marriage killer. If you don't do something about this now your marriage will become misery for both of you. Be proactive and face this head on, but dont' harp on the wedding because nothing can be done about that now. Move on from that.

[Jamess1]

I've been married to my husband for 5 months. I resent him for a lot of things. I had just had a baby in February and had told my husband that we might want to think about pushing our June wedding out. He thought I was just having cold feet. I didn't look the way I wanted in my dress, my family was complaining about how expensive things were getting. I was in fact getting my dream wedding, but I was so uninterested. 8 weeks out, and I was begging my husband to do something smaller, even a small wedding in Vegas (that my dad agreed to pay for and also give us 10k as a wedding gift). Husband wouldn't budge. So we got married in June. I wrote my wedding vows off google about 20 min before the ceremony. His idiot aunt showed up so drunk that we had to wait 30 minutes for her to show up to proceed. His Dad was just being his typical "showsman" self. I didn't feel the intense resentment until I saw my wedding photos. Sure, some of them were nice, but not what I wanted. Everyday since, I have had this severe resentment towards him. I want no affection from him, and my patience is like non existent. I feel like he ruined it by not listening to what I wanted. I take my ring off for weeks at a time now. He lies about dumb things. I'm basically not sure where to go from here. Any suggestions?

 

"Women love to get married, but not been married."

 

She loves the idea of marriage, she loves the wedding, the ceremony... but not the man she is getting married to. Now the wedding has destroyed the relationship.

 

The more she priorities the wedding, the less she is into that man she is getting married to.In fact the more investment a woman expects and demands from a man the less attracted to him she is...you shouldn't have gotten ahead with the marriage..if he was a guy you were really into, you would have gladly married him in a jungle..

 

Here is an article that hints on this dynamic : Women expect a pricey engagement ring if their partner is UGLY to compensate for their poor looks

[elaine567]

"Women love to get married, but not been married."

 

She loves the idea of marriage, she loves the wedding, the ceremony... but not the man she is getting married to. Now the wedding has destroyed the relationship.

 

The more she priorities the wedding, the less she is into that man she is getting married to.In fact the more investment a woman expects and demands from a man the less attracted to him she is...you shouldn't have gotten ahead with the marriage..if he was a guy you were really into, you would have gladly married him in a jungle..

 

 

OK but didn't she then make a pretty big "investment" by having his child...

[lucky-girl]

We (women) are conditioned to see our wedding day as the most important & special day of our lives, so of course you are disappointed it didn't happen as you wanted.

But, this is not important enough to throw away your marriage over. You need to make a conscious decision to forgive him. You don't have to wait until you feel forgiving. You don't even have to feel like what he did was okay. You make the decision to forgive him for the sake of your marriage, your child and the man you fell in love with.

You won't suddenly feel fine. You will need to work on it. Every time the thought of the wedding comes up you will need to remind yourself that it's over, he's forgiven and then stop thinking about it! Make yourself think about something sweet he has done or something you love about him.

Every time we think about something negative it gets more fixed in our brain and seems like a worse thing. Negative memories are more permanent than happy ones and our thoughts naturally go negative ones more easily. We have to fight this or it spirals out of control.

 

You probably still are affected by hormones and lack of sleep from pregnancy and motherhood. It's easy to feel overwhelmed and negative when you have a little baby. This means your emotions cannot be trusted! Try to keep positive.