I want to be friends with my ex, she’s not ready

[KBS]

Here’s a little bit of a back story.

 

Been in a loving 3 year ‘long distance’ relationship. We’d visit each other at least 4 times a year and we would talk for hours on the phone everyday. And when we’d see each other we’d have incredible sex, all the time, anywhere, and everywhere. as time passes, we started trying to close the distance. Due to circumstances, she is not able to leave where she lives and so it was up to me to make it happen. She lives in the US, I live in Canada.

 

I am very ambitious and career driven, so I made it clear to her that I would not move to her unless I find a job first so that I can provide for us and for my own self-worth. Lord knows I tried, everything fell through, it just seemed like it wasn’t happening. Came close a few times, but it just never happened for me.

 

On my last visit to her, I decided to let her go for her sake and my own. She pleaded, claimed her love for me, and did not want me to go. I told her I felt the same way too, and that I believe in signs and it just seems like it isn’t meant to be. I also told her that she deserves someone that was closer (geographically) because I can’t continue giving her what she needs from a distance. So she suggested the idea of marriage so I can get working previlages in the US. Her logic was we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, so it’s time. My logic was we never lived together for more than a month at a time, and that I would have at least wanted to try it out for a year before I even consider it.

 

At the end this gruelling experience, I thought it seemed too rushed and I let her know that everything will be fine and that she will find love again. The difference between her and I is that she feels she needs a partner in her life to feel fulfilled, as I want (notice the difference between want/need) a partner when it’s right, and I can be fulfilled on my own. The very last thing I said to her, and I really meant it, was that I love her for who she is and I care for her and down the line when we’re ready we can be friends. She was not into that idea and didn’t think she can do it because she can only see me as a lover (We were good friends for 3 months before we jumped into a serious relationship).

 

Fast forward 4 months, I’m single and kicking ass in my career. Got a promotion and a raise in the time being. I was happy and content, and was not ready to date again just yet, purely focusing on myself. I’ve always had her on my mind, I still loved her and accepted that we won’t be getting back together, and always hoped that we’d be friends at some point in the future, and still do. It was her birthday, and I decided to reach out and say hi and check up on her.

 

I text her, she replies with this cold vagueness. I text her some more telling her I miss my best friend and I want us to talk. At first she agreed, after more texting she said she “needs more space and time, but if you want to talk, we can”. A little more texting and she then finally said, “I’m seeing someone right now, I’m just not ready to talk yet, but I’m the future I think it would be ok, I hope you understand.” Keep in mind that during this conversation I reserved sad emotions and focussed on the positive. I told her that I am happy for her and that I understood and that it’s probably for the best. And then she vanishes, and I haven’t tried to contact her after that.

 

This happened 2 weeks ago, and until now my heart aches because as much as I didn’t expect a mushy side, I also didn’t expect this coldness. I was left with unanswered questions, and was puzzled because I only had the best of intention when I reached out to her, and I got this sort of treatment back. It felt unfair and for a bit it consumed me for a few days but now I’m learning to be ok with it. It seems like my presense to her causes negative feelings, and I never wanted to be that guy. We were in a loving relationship for 3 years, I’m cherishing the memories but she’s trying to erase/replace them it seems. The lingering hurt is still there, but I truly still care for her and want us to remain in each other’s lives as friends. Right now, I’m not too sure if that’s even going to happen. Should I contact her again in the way later future? Should I wait for her to contact me? Why am I feeling this heart ache? Does she still love me? Should I even care?

 

Any advise would be appreciated, thank you for your time.

[GinON]

You left someone that loved and trusted you. You say you didn't need her, and that's OK but you have to understand that she can't trust you again and trying to be friends with her is very painful and appears selfish and inconsiderate.

 

Romantic relationships affect our brains the same as our parents/caregive's relationships do, we learn love and devotion from our parents. We transfer that mindset and our love expectations to our adult relationships and you abandoned her. It feels like a parent's death but you chose to do it to her. Its seemed like the right thing to you at the time (you might want to figure out why.) Now you want to have a casual relationship to fill a void that you feel, after making her feel like you died?

 

I get that you are not as emotionally concerned with your relationships as she was but that sounded like you were being dismissive of her way of loving, like you saw it as a weakness. Maybe she isn't as confident, or was abandoned as a kid, or maybe you weren't loved as much but the way you dealt with the situation was not a mutually agreed upon decision, the way you write it. Therefore it will be seen as abandonment. You left her.

 

I think you have to accept that you need to find a person close to you that you can develop a relationship with, perhaps some friends, and a partner. If that is difficult because of the population or you have avoidant attachment style (preventing you from becoming deeply close to someone) perhaps you need to evaluate your priorities. Maybe its time to get some counseling so you can see why this is happening to you and why you don't understand the sorrow this can cause someone. I feel like I am being harsh but its because you sound oblivious to the effect you have on people.

Edited November 27, 2018 by GinON

[basil67]

I'm sorry KBS, this is a completely normal outcome after a breakup. She didn't want you as a mate, she wanted you as a partner. So if she can't have you as a partner, she needs to move on without you. In short, when you refused her suggestions of how to close the distance and broke up instead, you became 'that guy'.

 

I would also add that no future boyfriend is going to want you hanging around as a friend - so being cold to you and making sure you know there is to be no friendship is a mark of respect to her new guy.

 

Leave her be. And congratulations with your career. You will find someone new who (hopefully) lives near enough that you can have a much easier relationship.

[Ronni_W]

<snip> but I truly still care for her and want us to remain in each other’s lives as friends. <snip>

But...isn't it true that if you still truly care for her then you would want for her what she wants for herself? Which is to not remain in your life as your friend.

 

So, do you truly still care for her or do you want to remain in her life even against her wishes?

[elaine567]

When you cut someone to the core by ending a long term relationship, they can end up after all the initial tears, literally hating you, or if not actually hating you, they may never want to speak or hear from you again. They move on, they do not want to spend time with a person who could hurt them so badly

So whilst you may feel warm and fuzzy towards her, she doesn't feel that way about you. She has rejection, despair, heartache and the feeling of being dumped to remember you by...

Few people who were deeply in love and were dumped, want to ever be friends, so it is not a case of she is not ready yet, she may never be ready.

Leave her alone.

[d0nnivain]

You broke her heart & those wounds are still fresh. When you reach out, especially with good news that you are doing well in your job, further entrenching you where you are & away from her, it hurts. To stop the pain she needs to be apart & silent. If she really wants to make the effort to make things work between you two, instead of you relocating to her, can she come to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, but this is what happens when you break up with someone.

 

You don't appear to understand the pain she was in upon breaking up, nor the reminder of that pain that you triggered when you contacted her. I think you care about her, yes, but you lack insight.

 

Leave her be now. She is moving on and out of respect for her new guy, she is cutting you off. Being "fair" to you isn't her concern anymore.

[KBS]

d0nnivain: unfortunately, she can’t leave her location. She has a daughter under split custody with her dad.

[Normm]

I believe in signs and it just seems like it isn’t meant to be.

 

Well there are realistic signs such as you not missing her so much, or she annoys you quite often, or the sex is getting boring, or you are starting to notice other girls more.

 

Then there's black cats crossing your path, or accidentally breaking a mirror or bad luck coming in groups of 3, or seeing the numbers 666. If you're talking about these types of signs and breaking up with her because of it, then you're screwing up your life (and hers) for no good reason whatsoever.

[KBS]

I’m not superstitious, all I’m saying is towards the end there were too many hurdles and obstacles... the suggested approaches of going to her was becoming too forced, rushed, and impractical.

[Million.to.1]

I agree with other posters here. You are only seeing all this 'being friends' and focusing on the positive and being happy for her from your own, narrow perspective.

You dumped her. You broke her heart. She wanted to marry you.

 

Her coldness is protection, self preservation, and is totally normal and valid when someone you love abandons you with a philosophical "signs were there" outlook on the relationship. It's logical for you maybe, but she is emotional.

GinOn said it perfectly, that you saw her needing you as weakness. Now she knows how you feel, and that reality is hard to see in someone you love and trusted.

 

You being friends with her is more for your guilt or ego than it is about you caring about her. If you do care, and truly want the best for her, then accept that you may never be friends.

MAYBE, you can reconnect again, after a substantial amount of time, but it's certainly not a given, and you can't force or rush it.

 

Leave her alone.

[KBS]

Ok everybody, I intend on leaving her alone for her sake. A lot of you guys are bashing me without knowing every nitty gritty detail about the situation. And for anyone to suggest that I don’t care for her, that’s just not true. I care for her very much. I got on here for advise, and I appreciate all that you have shared even if it is in a form that may be harsh but constructive. Please reserve judgement, none of you actually know me. I have many healthy relationships, one of my closest friends is actually another ex. She is very independent as well, and we talk to each other about our current relationships and there is no awkwardness, she is especially straight forward. So please, less judgement and more advice. Of course I’m oblivious to what she feels, and that’s why I’m here. But now I realize the errors of my ways... I will not contact her, and I will keep moving forward, and if she happens to show up out of the blue, I will welcome her with open arms.

[guest569]

I think that after 4 months it must still be pretty raw. This is a few years of your lives together. And it must be a hard breakup because it's over location and logistics so there are "if only" and "what ifs". You might never be friends again or have any sort of relationship at all, but that's part of breaking up. It's sad but true. I think its usually easier that way.

[carhill]

"Lets be friends" = the diatribe of the truly self-involved.

[elaine567]

I have many healthy relationships, one of my closest friends is actually another ex. She is very independent as well, and we talk to each other about our current relationships and there is no awkwardness, she is especially straight forward.

 

 

Yes, but I guess most who end up as friends either were not in too deep in the first place, the break up was mutual or they are choosing to be friends in the hope they may rekindle something.

This discussion of new relationships is something many heartbroken people cannot handle, only those who are completely "over it" can handle that and being completely "over it" for some who were truly in love can take literally years.

Also despite being in a romantic relationship, there may not actually be much there to form a real friendship with. The relationship ends and they start removing the rose coloured spectacles of love and do not actually like the person they can now see with clarity...

 

Being friends with exes may seem very "grown up", but you need to be very attune to how they feel.

Forcing friendship may make you feel great and loved, (an ex who is still in love may make a great friend, they cannot do enough for you) but it may in reality be very unkind and unfeeling to the other person.