Did infidelity change you?

[pepperbird]

If you are a betrayed spouse, has it changed how you view others? Has it changed your outlook on life?

[attheend]

No - being betrayed by my wife of 25 years gives me a warm rosy feeling for the future.

[burnt]

I am not a betrayed spouse. I was the one to do the cheating. I was OW of a MM.

 

Yes, it has changed my view to myself, life, and everything and everyone around.

 

Following the affair, for the past several years, I have spent an ungodly amount of time reading posts on this site and in the web in general and I see how wide spread affairs are.

 

I was innocent before the affair. That innocence--both in me and in my ability to see innocence in others is gone. I don't know how to trust anyone. I have nothing but bitterness, hate, anger and morbid depression.

 

That's the price to pay.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you are a betrayed spouse, has it changed how you view others? Has it changed your outlook on life?

 

No. And to a certain extent, it simply confirmed some things I already knew.

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

I am not a betrayed spouse. I was the one to do the cheating. I was OW of a MM.

 

Yes, it has changed my view to myself, life, and everything and everyone around.

 

Following the affair, for the past several years, I have spent an ungodly amount of time reading posts on this site and in the web in general and I see how wide spread affairs are.

 

I was innocent before the affair. That innocence--both in me and in my ability to see innocence in others is gone. I don't know how to trust anyone. I have nothing but bitterness, hate, anger and morbid depression.

 

That's the price to pay.

 

 

I mean no offense when I say this, but that isn't even in the same galaxy, and to be honest, I'm not sure they can even be compared..

 

I'm not trying to minimize your pain and heartache, just saying it's different.You chose your actions. You had the opportunity to make choices about your relationship. BS aren't given that. Instead, they get to try and move along after two others made a choice for them.

 

 

 

I guess, in the end, affairs often hurt a lot of people, bm/bw and even ws included.

[pepperbird]

No - being betrayed by my wife of 25 years gives me a warm rosy feeling for the future.

 

 

Not sure about the need for sarcasm, but whatever.

 

 

I was asking because I am still so surprised that some still don't realize how hurtful they can be...or maybe they do and just don't care.

 

 

Either way, it sucks....and you have my sympathy. I've been in a similar about, and it was awful.

 

 

 

I swear, sometimes if I hear one more ws say " it was a terrible thing, but I learned from it" I am going to scream. It's easy to say that when you're not the one left to pick up the pieces.

[YoungCandy]

I betrayed first. Got caught by my spouse. Two years later she took revenge and doubled down on it. Yes, it changed everything in the marriage. Trust is always taken with a grain of salt, everything she or I say could be a lie. The feeling of love and being loved are long gone. It has been two years since I discovered her affair. We're still together trying to mend the relationship, but there is no get away from constant feeling of hatred, resentment and disappointment.

[attheend]

Not sure about the need for sarcasm, but whatever.

 

 

I was asking because I am still so surprised that some still don't realize how hurtful they can be...or maybe they do and just don't care.

 

 

Either way, it sucks....and you have my sympathy. I've been in a similar about, and it was awful.

 

 

Sorry Pepperbird - I'm a little raw right now.

[ladydesigner]

I am a BS first but also a WS (I am a madhatter) just for some background. I am nowhere near the person I originally was and have not been able to get back to the person I was pre D-Day.

 

The trust is gone never to come back so is the love. I would call it more like a companionship now but my feelings of hope and building this great future are gone. It's like my world became gray. I am slowly starting to see in color again but that vibrant color we used to have is no more.

 

It changed my drive in life now I struggle with depression on and off and have a lot of problems with focusing. My memory is more foggy and I'm very forgetful now.

 

 

there is no get away from constant feeling of hatred, resentment and disappointment.

 

^^^ I can really identify with this too it seems relentless and never ending. Not to mention the constant doubt and straddling the fence of R or D. I guess I'm in limbo I don't know what to call it anymore.

[YoungCandy]

The trust is gone never to come back so is the love. I would call it more like a companionship now but my feelings of hope and building this great future are gone. It's like my world became gray. I am slowly starting to see in color again but that vibrant color we used to have is no more.

 

It changed my drive in life now I struggle with depression on and off and have a lot of problems with focusing. My memory is more foggy and I'm very forgetful now.

 

This sounds exactly like my wife. I really can relate and feel this.

[Starswillshine]

First DDay was over 2-1/2 years... and a bunch of trickle truth and a few more DDays after. We've been separated for well over a year now. Just working on the final paperwork to have the divorce final. (Just giving a brief background). I feel like I am on the other side of the pain. Finally feeling like myself again. It 100% changed my marriage and how I felt about him. I clung onto him as if he was the greatest love of my life dying in front of my eyes.... but then other moments, I couldn't get far enough away from him. I couldn't not see him with her when I closed my eyes. I couldn't undo all the words that had been said to me by the OW. I knew I could never heal staying in my marriage. He was a constant reminder of what he had done.

 

Today, I am definitely a different person. In both good and bad ways. I lost my innocence. I realize how some people can be so convincing using words AND small actions that I no longer can trust actions, either. I have a new man friend in my life, and thankfully, he understands perfectly as he has gone something similar in his last relationship. But it is something I am trying to work on. I am on constant alert for red flags. I'm always feeling as if the shoe is going to drop. Thankfully, I have known him for a long time, so I know his character and integrity (though we all thought these things about our spouses before, and here is that doubt that I dont think I can ever get past). I have been in therapy for 2 years now.

 

But on the positives... I am fixing all the things that kept me holding onto the dysfunctional marriage. I was a SAHM. Didnt finish schooling. Never worked. So getting my education. I want to provide for myself and my family. I am fiercely independent now. I always relied on my WS to help with decisions if not make them completely. But even physically... I learned how to move furniture by myself. Etc. I have learned how to cope with my emotions. Overall, I think I am stronger and more myself than i have ever been. But i will never see the world as i did before. And now, i used to tell my WS he gave me my fairytale, but now all I see is dysfunction. Even when I thought things were perfect. 20 years, and I now cant think of a time where I knew everything was good. Sad, really.

[lunarnaut]

Yes it has definitely changed me. It has made me a much stronger person.

 

When I was in the process of separating with my ex-WW, I started to look to the future. I tried to see what kind of effect this would have on my relationships moving forward. I came to the conclusion that anyone is capable of cheating, and it can happen in any type of relationship regardless of the state of it. I decided the only way to ever live happily would be to not hold anyone else accountable for the actions of my ex-WW.

 

Honestly, I don't let it bother me. Yes, it's possible I get cheated on again. Yes, it could happen at any time. But, you have to be able to trust someone in order to enjoy a successful relationship. I'll trust someone until they give me reason not to. I find it impossible to be in a truly positive relationship while harboring suspicions about the other persons fidelity.

 

I guess I believe that I'll always be good no matter what. Sure, there will likely be more heartbreak, but I know I can handle anything.

[misspalmy]

Not really i still went back to MM. i have no ended it again. im 16 weeks with his baby. His wife knows stays the 2nd time i told her. he will never change she cant see it lol

[DKT3]

Not really i still went back to MM. i have no ended it again. im 16 weeks with his baby. His wife knows stays the 2nd time i told her. he will never change she cant see it lol

 

Can you see it?

[DKT3]

I dont feel I've changed all that much, but the people around me say I have. They say that my fun loving nature is no longer what it was. I do realize that I'm no longer the guy looking to empathize with people's poor decisions, black is black and white is white, although I believe I had that stance to a degree before. Complexities are simply people knowing what they should or shouldn't do and doing the opposite, then calling it complicated.

 

Its certainly changed how I view my wife, but that is not necessarily all bad. I had her on a pedestal and thought she shat sunshine. Unfair I suppose, but no longer.

[preraph]

It wasn't a spouse, but a guy I was in love with slept with my oldest friend who was my roommate. It changed me forever. I realized that no matter how nice a guy is to your face or in bed, you can't trust anyone. Not to say all people will betray someone like that, but I feel I'm sufficiently smart, and I didn't see that coming, so the very worst part of the trust I lost is the trust in myself. Trust -- bye, bye

[pepperbird]

Sorry Pepperbird - I'm a little raw right now.

 

 

No worries. I completely understand.

[loversquarrel]

Being a BS, it fundamentally changed my life forever. I became vengeful and revenge cheated on my former spouse, I do have to say though my decision to act out in such a manner signified the end of the marriage for me, it just hadn't been made official at that point.

 

I became a cynical man and treated each relationship with a degree of uncertainty, uncertain I could trust again in the same manner as before. I grew quicker to question the person I was with if something didn't feel right, I guess I learned how to use my gut. I was also much less likely to commit to a relationship, I kept my now second wife at bay for a considerable amount of time due to my newly acquired insecurities and lack of trust. It was hell for her for a few years. My ex was also an extremely emotionally abusive person, being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder it was no wonder she got as bad as she did at times.

 

Psychologically I suffered with anxiety and depression and still do to this day, though not as bad as before. I think it takes a special person with a lot of patience and understanding to be able to be with someone like me. I guess that's the big positive to come of what happened, to discover that there is someone better that wants you as much as you want them.

[2.50 a gallon]

As did loversquarrel, I lost all faith in women and love.

I learned to like living alone. But that does not mean that I did not date. Rather I could do what I wanted, with whom ever I wanted, when ever I wanted, and had nobody to answer to.

My sex life took off. But when ever I saw the least hint of love, I was out the back door and miles down the alley.

That lasted for about 14 years.

First kiss, second date, with a totally out of my league, long legged blonde, and I was a goner. I went home that night I realized how lonely my life was.

They way I looked at it I had two choices, run and immediately get hurt, Or stick it out and give a relationship a chance, and eventually be hurt.

Somehow I did everything right and we have now been happily together for over 23 years

[pepperbird]

The biggest change for me was a loss of trust, not just of my spouse, but people in general. I know it sound silly, but that was really upsetting to me.

 

If anything every happened to my spouse and I was single, I don't think I'd date again. It takes too much mental energy to build trust. I could be wrong, but I can't see myself doing that again.