Does [estranged spouse] care as a friend or more?

[changingmale]

My wife and i separated in August and she told me in July. We have talked mostly everyday on facebook since then. I know not suppose to but i did. She really would not respond to me much though just some answers and still will not answer all of them. But a few months ago she asked if we could be FWB and we are.This past friday i got some tires to put on her SUV and it took them awhile so we went to my apartment for some FWB and then we got some food before took her back to the SUV. I have told her i am sorry in person,letter and on facebook and i want to be back with her etc.I have seen my wrongs mistakes etc. I am sick and told her that and she text me and sent face book messages for past 2 days. So my question why bc she wants to be friends or could it be she still cares or more than that? Yes she told me she still cares. Just wondering and thanks

[preraph]

Well, who knows. It's just up to her whether she wants to live with you again or is enjoying being a bit more on her own. She might just not want to be answering to someone. At least she likes to have sex with you and talk to you. I know it's confusing!

[changingmale]

We are both Christians. But we never asked God into our marriage from what i can remember and we never prayed together. She said she thought about asking me to pray together but did not. When we talk i feel like i am getting to her and at the end of the talking she say something like no or not ready for a relationship. I have prayed from almost day one for our marriage to make it and i do feel like God will get us back together

[Ronni_W]

<snip> i do feel like God will get us back together

God can't get you back together if you, individually and as a couple, don't make dedicated, genuine efforts to fix the problems and resolve the issues that broke you up in the first place,

which is not being accomplished through what you two have got going on now.

 

Have you considered speaking with her about getting into an exclusive relationship - with romance and not just sex - but, for the time being, still maintaining two separate households?

 

If you don't change something about the current dynamics, then you're not actually making any headway towards reconciliation.

[changingmale]

God can't get you back together if you, individually and as a couple, don't make dedicated, genuine efforts to fix the problems and resolve the issues that broke you up in the first place,

which is not being accomplished through what you two have got going on now.

 

Have you considered speaking with her about getting into an exclusive relationship - with romance and not just sex - but, for the time being, still maintaining two separate households?

 

If you don't change something about the current dynamics, then you're not actually making any headway towards reconciliation.

She knows i want to get back together and i will change the things that i helped in breaking us up. I know i did wrong and told her what i did wrong what i should have done etc. We should have put God in the marriage and did not but if we do get back together He will be in the marriage and if dont and i get in a relationship He will be in it. God is in my life and i have the best relationship with Him than i ever have had. Yes she is a Christian and i feel like she wishes this also from the way she acted. I do believe God wants us to be together and is working on us. Being apart i have seen the things i did and did not do that hurt her and the marriage

[d0nnivain]

First I don't understand how you can call yourself Christian but not let God in your marriage. I believe but my husband doesn't, even though we were technically raised in the same faith. Still we were married in Church & have at least attended Christmas & Easter services together as well as funerals. God isn't a big part of my marriage but He's in there. Read Matthew, chapter 7, the end of the Sermon on the Mount, about "ask & you shall receive." Since you mentioned your faith, pray about your marriage & ask for God's help.

 

If you want to reconcile & you have realized your errors in contributing to the downfall of the marriage do offer to go to marriage counseling with your wife. It seems like you have some of the fundamentals still in place -- sex, some communication & caring for each other (you putting tires on her car). IMO you should get MC from 2 places: a licensed therapist & your local pastor. Then you should go to Sunday services together.

 

If you both work to fix what went wrong, in theory you should be able to put your marriage back together. Good luck.

[changingmale]

First I don't understand how you can call yourself Christian but not let God in your marriage. I believe but my husband doesn't, even though we were technically raised in the same faith. Still we were married in Church & have at least attended Christmas & Easter services together as well as funerals. God isn't a big part of my marriage but He's in there. Read Matthew, chapter 7, the end of the Sermon on the Mount, about "ask & you shall receive." Since you mentioned your faith, pray about your marriage & ask for God's help.

 

If you want to reconcile & you have realized your errors in contributing to the downfall of the marriage do offer to go to marriage counseling with your wife. It seems like you have some of the fundamentals still in place -- sex, some communication & caring for each other (you putting tires on her car). IMO you should get MC from 2 places: a licensed therapist & your local pastor. Then you should go to Sunday services together.

 

If you both work to fix what went wrong, in theory you should be able to put your marriage back together. Good luck.

If i remember we for some stupid reason never did ask God into our marriage. I do not know why. A big mistake and told her and she says i am right. Yes i do wan to reconcile and have seen my mistakes,faults etc and what i should have to. I have asked about MC but she keeps saying no. Been maybe 2 months when i asked thanks

[Just a Guy]

Hi Changing, is your wife seeing others? Are you seeing others? What were the specific reasons she wanted to separate? Are you thinking of attending IC? Apparently you have been separated for four months and in spite of the fact that you and your wife are in a FWB relationship(Does such a relationship exist between husband and wife?) she is still undecided whether she wants to get back with you. Is your separation a legal one or just an adhoc one based on just the two of you agreeing to live separately?

 

In all this time have you worked on your own issues and addressed them head on? Remember the adage "God helps those who help themselves". Do not blame extraneous factors on the strained relationship with your wife. Has she accepted her share in the failure of your relationship? If not then there s not much chance for the two of you making it back together. Think about these things. Maybe you would be better off finding some one else with whom you are really compatible. A separation like this does not bode well for the future. Best wishes.

[changingmale]

Hi Changing, is your wife seeing others? Are you seeing others? What were the specific reasons she wanted to separate? Are you thinking of attending IC? Apparently you have been separated for four months and in spite of the fact that you and your wife are in a FWB relationship(Does such a relationship exist between husband and wife?) she is still undecided whether she wants to get back with you. Is your separation a legal one or just an adhoc one based on just the two of you agreeing to live separately?

 

In all this time have you worked on your own issues and addressed them head on? Remember the adage "God helps those who help themselves". Do not blame extraneous factors on the strained relationship with your wife. Has she accepted her share in the failure of your relationship? If not then there s not much chance for the two of you making it back together. Think about these things. Maybe you would be better off finding some one else with whom you are really compatible. A separation like this does not bode well for the future. Best wishes.

No neither of us are seeing anyone and we dont want too. I dont bc i am still in love with her and money issues also. She says she does not want to get back together but is willing to "date" not sure if means just going out to eat or what. No have not seen a lawyer. I have seen 2 different counselor for about a total of 5 times may see one or another new one sometime and she does not want to wish we could together. I am not blaming her the reason are my fault and i have admitted that to her and others and said it is my fault but not all of it. What i dont understand is she has said felt like a problem but to me was not and then all of a sudden she wants a divorce never anything like so close to the marriage being over. I have changed and want to keep changing for the better. I have gone back to church(we did not go much this yr for some reason) and i want to get more involved in church. I have a closure relationship with God and confessed my sins to Him and to my wife and asked for forgiveness. Yes i want to get back with her and she knows this and i can and will be what she needs i have seen the things i should have done need to do etc. I have read books and seen stuff online(here) and will continue to read books and want to buy some more books later on. She has confessed a few things not many and i do love her and want her and only her and i fell like she still loves me but will not admit it. Just admits she care

[Just a Guy]

Hi Changing, sorry to see you hoping for the best. Yes miracles do happen and one may happen in your case and your wife may return to you. However, that one statement from her that she does not want to get back together is indicative of her mind set. She may just be biding her time till she finds a replacement for you and you will then be history. As the saying goes "Don't carry all your eggs in one basket"! Four months is a long time for her to stay away from you. How long were you guys married? Also has she ever said that she wants a divorce? If she has then do not waste any more time and just file your self. Filing will put her in a spot because she will then have to decide whether she wants to work on the marriage and help you recover it or not. If she is truly checked out then you will get to know from the way she reacts to your filing for divorce.

 

To me it seems she is just enjoying having her cake and eating it too. She gets to date you while keeping her options open and while on the look out for your replacement. You have not mentioned children so I am assuming you two do not have any. If both of you are still young then really speaking nothing is lost and both of you can find partners with whom you will both be happy. Do not flog a dead horse. It is a waste of time. Best wishes.

[changingmale]

Hi Changing, sorry to see you hoping for the best. Yes miracles do happen and one may happen in your case and your wife may return to you. However, that one statement from her that she does not want to get back together is indicative of her mind set. She may just be biding her time till she finds a replacement for you and you will then be history. As the saying goes "Don't carry all your eggs in one basket"! Four months is a long time for her to stay away from you. How long were you guys married? Also has she ever said that she wants a divorce? If she has then do not waste any more time and just file your self. Filing will put her in a spot because she will then have to decide whether she wants to work on the marriage and help you recover it or not. If she is truly checked out then you will get to know from the way she reacts to your filing for divorce.

 

To me it seems she is just enjoying having her cake and eating it too. She gets to date you while keeping her options open and while on the look out for your replacement. You have not mentioned children so I am assuming you two do not have any. If both of you are still young then really speaking nothing is lost and both of you can find partners with whom you will both be happy. Do not flog a dead horse. It is a waste of time. Best wishes.

We are both in our mid 40's and married for 16 yrs with kids.You could be right about her biding her time and having her cake and eating it also. But i dont think she is looking to date and she has said that. The reasons she says she is done with relationships (this will be both for us 2 divorces) and she has trust issues also likely also from her 1st marriage he cheated. She has issues with body image and she is still beautiful to me. Yes i messed up (porn and was not there wen she needed me and we both messed up and no cheating etc) She did say divorce at first now she is saying stay separated for life unless find someone. We are both Christians and i have been praying to God to save our marriage and i do believe this. I have my reasons this will happen. When first separated even till Oct she would not do much with me. Now we are talking more and better, having sex and plan to have a date. I have asked and we did not that week misunderstanding and she sent a mess saying she would like to date (me)

[Perseus]

Does it matter? She is your ex for a reason. I don't mind exes being fwb but anything more than that would unwise. Don't get back.

[changingmale]

Here is a reason i think she still loves me. A few weeks ago was my birthday. So she wanted to do something for me as in sex but could not get together so she said maybe phone or cyber. We did and she wished me a happy b day and hoped i enjoyed it etc and was my b day present from her. Also kids(her) got me a cake. I told her i enjoyed it and she is always the best and only one i ant. She said that is sweet. I said i am sorry bc she does/did not like me when i said that. She said i do not have to say i am sorry and understand why i am saying that, I asked her why and she said bc i love her and want us back together. So how would you take this? I take it she still loves me wants me cares about me thanks

[bigman1]

Okay, Let's be reasonable here. You are looking for hope where all of the signs say there is none.

 

She asked to be Fwb with you because she has had 16+ years having sex with you. It is familiar, safe, and uncomplicated on her end. There are a lot of crazy folks out there. This is simple. Sex with you is not because of love. It is like she is masturbating with you. Sorry, but look at the facts.

 

She told you she did not want to get back together. She is gonna be nice as you are the father of her kids and her husband of 16 years, not her arch enemy.

 

You love her, so you allow this, but you should stop. You are asking the type questions that when you realize the answer is no where near what YOU hope for, you are gonna go crazy. What are you gonna do when she gets with someone else?

 

I hear your God angle, but that is just you making up some story to explain what you don't want to accept. It takes two to make a marriage work and the other half has told you no over again and even specified how the relationship will be and you are like, "what does this mean"? "These are mixed messages". NO. SHE IS CLEAR. YOU ARE NOT. Do yourself a favor, detach and move on.