Almost Adult daughter hates my fiance

[VAG]

Hello. I am kind of new here so please bear with me. My husband died 4 years ago due to cancer. My daughter is 19 now. I also have a son who is 22 (he is the most easy going kid in the world) After my husband's death, my daughter started having problems with getting up, going to school, socializing, etc. After many doctor visits and mom being too lenient, she finished high school and is now away at college. During these years I met a man and we ended up buying a house together this fall. My daughter has always "hated" him, being downright rude, etc. She really didn't want anyone to take my time away from her, even though I was there for her every step of the way.

Last Christmas was hard, with the 2 of them butting heads constantly, putting me in the middle. Since then, things have gotten better. A truce seemed to have been made. Until this Thanksgiving that is. She came home like usual and everything was fine until I spent too much time with him and not enough with her. Then she blew up and I will say "threw a fit". He is completely unwilling to put up with that so he told her to get out and not come back if she can't control herself.

 

He is not the easiest to live with, I understand that, but we get along great and he is the most caring and giving man to me. He would be to her also if she just let him. But they are oil and water...way too much alike.

 

So, now I sit with an ultimatum from both sides. She wants me to leave him, which was always her wish, or she won't come back. He wants her to get the help she needs and control herself or he doesn't want her in our house. And I am told to pick....

 

How do I pick? if anyone else has had anything like this situation, I would love to her your thoughts.

[d0nnivain]

Yikes.

 

Can you get her to specify what her problem is? If she's seeing red flags you are missing, perhaps listen. If she is not over her father's death & is viewing him as an interloper family counseling would be in order.

 

You can't get married until you sort this out.

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

 

This is a tough spot to be in... your daughter has obviously had a difficult time dealing with life since the death of her father. To be fair, four years is not a long time when you are dealing with a significant loss - trust me, I’ve lived it (my father moved on to a new relationship quickly after the death of my mother).

 

By your description, she may also have a rather unhealthy attachment to you and some unrealistic expectations (ie. that she is entitled to your time and full attention, that you will not move on with your life).

 

She is also at a time of life where the stress is high, and the coping skills are still developing... mental health issues are common for college students.

 

What would I do? If you haven’t, I would have an honest discussion with your daughter. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask her what you can do to make things better for her. Tell her how you are feeling and why you want to move on... perhaps, as Donnovain says, counselling would be helpful.

 

Then, help her to understand that this kind of behavior is not acceptable in your home. She is your daughter, she will always be welcome in your home but only if she is able to treat people with respect and kindness.

 

And then, I would do the same with your boyfriend. Help him to understand that she is your daughter and you will not pick between them. If he expects self control from your daughter, he will have to show the same to her.

 

Good luck.

[bathtub-row]

Just a basic answer where we have little to go on, I’d say that I’d never pick anyone over my children. Having said that, there may be extenuating circumstances but, to me, that’s the bottom line. You need peace in your family and this man’s presence is disrupting it. I’m not sure why but you say he’s not easy to live with. That’s not s good sign.

[PRW]

The daughter is an adult. She isn't a child. She need to put together her own life and make something of it instead of making someone else's life miserable. You are the parent, not her, she needs your approval,...not the reverse. Kids are supposed to grow up leave home and start their own lives.

 

I would have told her the same thing he did.

[elaine567]

Your daughter is for life, he is just some guy you hardly know yet who swooped in whilst you were grieving.

She is still basically a child. He has no right to ban your child who is no doubt still grieving for her father, from your home.

Be careful.

[PRW]

The son doesn't seem to have a problem with him and it doesn't seem anyone else does either. You say he may be hard to live with but it doesn't seem like anyone else is having a problem with that. It doesn't matter if your involvement with this guy is good, bad or indifferent,...it is your choice to make, not anyone else's. Parents are supposed to be in charge, they don't need permission from a child with an attitude. Again, I would have told her the same thing he did.

[PRW]

from your home.

 

 

His home.

They bought it together.

They did not just meet.

[BaileyB]

Just a basic answer where we have little to go on, I’d say that I’d never pick anyone over my children. Having said that, there may be extenuating circumstances but, to me, that’s the bottom line. You need peace in your family and this man’s presence is disrupting it. I’m not sure why but you say he’s not easy to live with. That’s not s good sign.

 

I totally agree with this. Nothing could threaten my relationship with my children. If I had to, I would chose them every. time.

 

That said, you are both grown adults and it’s not unreasonable to expect that as she is developing her own independence and starting her own life, that there should be some room for you to move on and have another relationship worth a man. The fact that your daughter is having difficulty with that is why I would suggest talking, or counselling.

 

The thing you have to determine, because it will affect how you respond - is this problem related to your daughter and her ability to cope with her fathers death and a new relationship, is there something you are not telling us about this man such that she has good reason not to like him, and have you given it enough time to come together before moving this man into your home...

 

And remember - your timeline and her timeline may be very different. What may seem reasonable to you, may not be to her...

Edited November 28, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Just a basic answer where we have little to go on, I’d say that I’d never pick anyone over my children. Having said that, there may be extenuating circumstances but, to me, that’s the bottom line. You need peace in your family and this man’s presence is disrupting it. I’m not sure why but you say he’s not easy to live with. That’s not s good sign.

 

 

Exactly.

 

OP

He is "hard work" and your daughter will know that.

Do not abandon your daughter in favour of such a man.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a parent. But I think I would have a great deal of difficulty continuing with a man who tried to define my relationship with my child for me. He's entitled to set boundaries in his own life but to throw my kid out . . . that gets dicey.

 

VAG had you asked before you moved in with this man, I would have told you to straighten things out with your daughter first. I mean now what do you do? If you pick daughter & dump the guy, how do you get your money back out of the house & who foots the costs of 2 moves -- moving into the house & then back out?

 

If you pick the guy, where will your daughter live when school is not in session? How will she support herself? Does this guy expect that you will never speak to her again or just not in "his" home, never mind that it's half yours?

 

I see a lot of difficult & long talks in your future but do beg your guy for a bit more patience & understanding. He is still the adult here while she is a 19 year old who lost her dad at a young age.

[BaileyB]

His home.

They bought it together.

 

Wouldn’t matter to me. If I am a child grieving my parent, and my mother is moving on to live with a man that I do not have a relationship with... they could live in a cardboard box for all I care.

 

It’s about feelings. She is 19 and her life turned upside down in a very short period of time, at a time of life when most teenagers have not had the live experience to cope with such things. Gosh, I was 37 and I wasn’t prepared to deal with such things. The name on the mortgage is almost irrelevant.

Edited November 28, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Something to consider also. Controlling men will try and isolate you. They get jealous of close family so do their best to stir up trouble so they have you all to themselves.

[Wallysbears]

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

 

But if ANYONE EVER gave me an ultimatum of them or my kid...they'd be gone in a new york minute.

[PRW]

But if ANYONE EVER gave me an ultimatum of them or my kid...they'd be gone in a new york minute.

 

 

Would you have bought and co-owned a house with them? They did. This is not a causal BF/GF situations. They are almost as bound to each other through property ownership as they would be if married. The house is as much his as hers, and he is probably the bread winner. So if she picks the daughter over the guy she just got this deeply involved with then she is the one that would be gone.

 

 

So if I was him,...it is my house, my home. The girl does not live there, she only visits. She has no say in anything. I would have done the same thing he did.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, until you elaborate on what her issues with him are, and why he’s hard to live with, it’s almost impossible to give you good input.

 

Based on what you’ve written, I could pretty effectively argue either side, a task other posters have already undertaken. Your situation needs more context...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wallysbears]

Would you have bought and co-owned a house with them? They did. This is not a causal BF/GF situations. They are almost as bound to each other through property ownership as they would be if married. The house is as much his as hers, and he is probably the bread winner. So if she picks the daughter over the guy she just got this deeply involved with then she is the one that would be gone.

 

 

So if I was him,...it is my house, my home. The girl does not live there, she only visits. She has no say in anything. I would have done the same thing he did.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't have gone buying a house with a guy in those circumstances either.

[BluEyeL]

While your daughter may be unreasonable, the way you boyfriend handled the situation, by throwing her out and giving you an ultimatum is unacceptable.

 

 

 

I would suggest not continuing the relationship with this man because he doesn't seem to be the good caring man you said he was. If he was so caring to you, he would understand that he cannot ask a mother to cut of her child no matter what they did, and he would not just throw out your daughter because he would care that this hurts you. He is NOT a keeper.

 

 

Too bad you will probably choose him, because it would be the easier choice. With property together, and fear of being alone, I don't see this being so straightforward. Good luck though and I'm sorry.

[BaileyB]

OP, until you elaborate on what her issues with him are, and why he’s hard to live with, it’s almost impossible to give you good input.

 

Based on what you’ve written, I could pretty effectively argue either side, a task other posters have already undertaken. Your situation needs more context...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Absolutely. More context would be very helpful...

[anika99]

As others have said, you have not provided enough information for us to know what is really going on.

 

I will say this, your bf should not be the one to put your daughter in her place. If she was being rude then you should have been the one to step up and handle it. You playing the part of being weak and helpless while your boyfriend plays the part of being the meanie is only going to make matters worse. Your boyfriend kicking your daughter out crossed boundaries. He should have discussed it with you first and if you agreed then you should have been the one to tell her to go.

 

Secondly I know it's hard to consider how someone else might feel when they are being rude but think about what your daughter said. She felt you were ignoring her. Was there truth to that? She clearly misses you when she is away and wants some of your undivided attention when she comes home. Do you provide that? Are you two able to have some one on one girl time or is your boyfriend always hovering about? Your daughter may be in the wrong for being rude but she may also have valid complaints.

 

She has been through a lot and transitioning from child to adult is difficult in the best of circumstances. Some compassion for her position and putting aside some extra time to spend with her could go a long way. Does your boyfriend have any compassion for her?

 

Lastly what you said about him not being easy to live with does set off some alarms. When I have said a man is not easy to live with its usually a man who is controlling and demanding. A man who considers his feelings and wants to be of greater importance than everyone else's feelings and wants. Perhaps you can explain more of what you meant by he's not easy to live with.

[Mrs._December]

She came home like usual and everything was fine until I spent too much time with him and not enough with her. Then she blew up and I will say "threw a fit". He is completely unwilling to put up with that so he told her to get out and not come back if she can't control herself.

I think this was the correct thing to do. Sorry, but it's HIS house as much as it is yours, and just because you're willing to continually let her disrespect YOU year after year doesn't mean she can disrespect HIM in his own house. That comes under the heading of "too bad, so sad for HER."

 

Let her learn some damned respect.

 

Look, I GET that she lost her father. I lost mine when I was 12. Lots of us have lost parents when we were young. She hasn't cornered the market on being the only young person on earth to lose a parent in her teens. But that doesn't give her a license to dictate how YOU live your life or how your fiance lives HIS life.

 

You've allowed her to continually disrespect you and that's why you're in the position you're now in. Your constant overcompensating for her losing her father has just created the monster you're dealing with today.

 

He is not the easiest to live with, I understand that, but we get along great and he is the most caring and giving man to me. He would be to her also if she just let him. But they are oil and water...way too much alike.

This isn't a personality conflict. It's all about your daughter wanting to control everything you do and acting like a freakin' child when she doesn't get her own way.

 

How do I pick? if anyone else has had anything like this situation, I would love to her your thoughts.

Well, you can continue overcompensating and allowing her to be a spoiled little brat who refuses to respect her mother and refuses to respect your boyfriend (yet she feels entitled to live in his house) or you can stop the insanity and lay down the law with her. Only a spoiled little brat gives her mother an ultimatum that you have to leave the man you love or she'll disappear from your life. What is she - a 10 year old throwing a tantrum?

 

Time to nip this crap in the bud. Today.

[PRW]

I think this was the correct thing to do. Sorry, but it's HIS house as much as it is yours, and just because you're willing to continually let her disrespect YOU year after year doesn't mean she can disrespect HIM in his own house. That comes under the heading of "too bad, so sad for HER."

 

Let her learn some damned respect.

 

Look, I GET that she lost her father. I lost mine when I was 12. Lots of us have lost parents when we were young. She hasn't cornered the market on being the only young person on earth to lose a parent in her teens. But that doesn't give her a license to dictate how YOU live your life or how your fiance lives HIS life.

 

You've allowed her to continually disrespect you and that's why you're in the position you're now in. Your constant overcompensating for her losing her father has just created the monster you're dealing with today.

 

This isn't a personality conflict. It's all about your daughter wanting to control everything you do and acting like a freakin' child when she doesn't get her own way.

 

Well, you can continue overcompensating and allowing her to be a spoiled little brat who refuses to respect her mother and refuses to respect your boyfriend (yet she feels entitled to live in his house) or you can stop the insanity and lay down the law with her. Only a spoiled little brat gives her mother an ultimatum that you have to leave the man you love or she'll disappear from your life. What is she - a 10 year old throwing a tantrum?

 

Time to nip this crap in the bud. Today.

Wow! Very well put and straight to the heart of the matter. Here, I was holding back

I clicked "Like" on this one but I wish the was a "Love".

[Gaeta]

My daughter has always "hated" him,

Why exactly?

 

 

 

 

 

Until this Thanksgiving that is. She came home like usual and everything was fine until I spent too much time with him and not enough with her.

Is this true? Your daughter is away to college why can't you have one-on-one moments with her when she's coming back home? You live with him, you can put him aside for a few days. Any sensitive man would understand that.

 

 

 

Then she blew up and I will say "threw a fit". He is completely unwilling to put up with that so he told her to get out and not come back if she can't control herself.

Totally unacceptable!!! She is NOT a visitor!! This is HER home as well, she is a full time student financially dependent of you so that house is her home till she graduates! I would flip is my live-in boyfriend threw out my 19 year old kid! I would never forgive him!

 

 

He is not the easiest to live with, I understand that, but we get along great and he is the most caring and giving man to me. He would be to her also if she just let him. But they are oil and water...way too much alike..

Contradicting yourself, usually *not easy to live with* people aren't caring and giving. Your BF certainly wasn't caring and giving when your daughter had a difference with him.

 

So, now I sit with an ultimatum from both sides. She wants me to leave him, which was always her wish, or she won't come back. He wants her to get the help she needs and control herself or he doesn't want her in our house. And I am told to pick.....

Pick your daughter, men will come and go, your children are for life. If your daughter doesn't like him THAT much then you should pay attention as to why.

 

if anyone else has had anything like this situation, I would love to her your thoughts.

Oh sure, I dropped boyfriends more than once for the sake of my daughter. At 17 she had a huge fit because I was dating a man much younger than me. I dropped him - in a heart beat. Years later she apologized realizing she was wrong, still dropping that man saved my relationship with her. If I had stayed with him I would have faced years of disagreements with her and nothing was worth that. Now years later I have a man in my life she adores and respects and her and I are very close.

[noelle303]

Any home I own or co-own would forever also be my child's home.

 

If someone kicked her out of it and told her to not come back I would end that relationship in an instant. No man is worth my relationship with my own child.

[Mr. Lucky]

he is just some guy you hardly know yet who swooped in whilst you were grieving.

 

I could construct an equally fanciful scenario where the "financially destitute, lonely and needy widow used her feminine wiles to grab the first eligible man she encountered". Both of our projections are probably far from the truth, and absent input from the OP, unwarranted.

 

She is still basically a child.

 

Agreed. Having raised 4 of them, 19-yr olds are far from fully-baked adults. And that doesn't begin to address what a clueless knucklehead I was at that age...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited November 28, 2018 by Mr. Lucky