Almost Adult daughter hates my fiance

[VAG]

Hello all. The variance in responses reflects what has been going on in my head for some time now. There is way too much detail to add to this situation since it has been going on for years. I will say he did not "Swoop" in. I was a financially stable widow who had gone through 4 years of a husband with oral cancer, the last year was the most horrific thing any human being should go through. I knew we were going to lose him long before he gave up the fight. He was heroic in his efforts and I was there every step of the way. I was the same, and remain the same, with my kids. I didn't miss a concert, game, competition, dance...anything. I still don't. I am my daughters confidant merely from the fact that she has alienated all of her friends. She has been in counselling and seen psychologists for years. At this point she refuses counseling and in PA, a parent can't force an "adult" to do so.

 

I have created a monster. And for the last year I have been in counseling to try to put myself in a position where I am in control of my life. I am not hostage to my daughter, my partner, a sickness, anything. But yes, I created what she is today.

 

Her goal would be for me to stay alone, waiting for her call or text or visit. Being there when she needs me. I can move on when she is ready for me to move on. When she gives me permission. I answer almost every text, phone call, etc.

 

I made the decision to move on with my life and she balked at it from the start. This man is not like her father (no man would be) so no man would fit into our lives.

 

I didn't plan on being a widow at 44. But I don't think that means I need to stay alone for the rest of my life. Yes, maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am asking too much. But I too lost my father to cancer and was happy that my mother found someone who made her happy. It wasn't easy but we accepted him as part of our family and she has been happy for 16 years.

 

As for the caring but hard to live with boyfriend. He has been through a life too and is at the point where he would like to live our lives in peace. He is just a "harder" type of parental figure and that is all he knows. He has never tried to parent my kids. He has never overstepped. And this is not the first time that we have asked for her respect. That is all we ask for. She is always welcome in our home. As long as she shows respect. And that is what she refuses to do.

 

Thank you all for your replies. There is no easy answer to this. There is no answer to this. Nobody will win but life will go on.

[PRW]

Thanks for the additional information. Well stated. It is also exactly what I was assuming the situation was. So I stand by the points I made.

[Gaeta]

Her goal would be for me to stay alone, waiting for her call or text or visit. Being there when she needs me. I can move on when she is ready for me to move on. When she gives me permission. I answer almost every text, phone call, etc.

 

I made the decision to move on with my life and she balked at it from the start. This man is not like her father (no man would be) so no man would fit into our lives.

 

I didn't plan on being a widow at 44. But I don't think that means I need to stay alone for the rest of my life. Yes, maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am asking too much. But I too lost my father to cancer and was happy that my mother found someone who made her happy. It wasn't easy but we accepted him as part of our family and she has been happy for 16 years.

 

As for the caring but hard to live with boyfriend. He has been through a life too and is at the point where he would like to live our lives in peace. He is just a "harder" type of parental figure and that is all he knows. He has never tried to parent my kids. He has never overstepped. And this is not the first time that we have asked for her respect. That is all we ask for. She is always welcome in our home. As long as she shows respect. And that is what she refuses to do.

 

Thank you all for your replies. There is no easy answer to this. There is no answer to this. Nobody will win but life will go on.

This is SO sad that you side with this man against your own flesh and blood that is still not a full adult. Go to therapy with your daughter - together! There is a reason she acts like this, she is missing something from you and it's your duty to figure it out instead of throwing the towel and hide behind this man. If this man wanted a quiet life then he had to pick a woman with no children. Your daughter is still a teen that needs guidance, YOUR guidance. Of course you are allowed to move on with your life but you should have made a better choice in men. We've ALL been through *a life* when we reach a certain age it's not a reason to lack compassion and patience! He has never overstepped? he never tried to parent her? Yes he did big time when he threw her out of HER home. You are about to damage your relationship with your daughter to the point of no return. In 10 years this bf of yours may be gone and forgotten but your daughter will still be here and after the storm what type of connection will be left between you 2!

[anika99]

I strongly disagree that the OP needs to spend her life at her daughter's beck and call. Parents put their lives on hold while they raise their kids to adulthood after that they get to live their own lives.

 

Yes we have our children forever but in what capacity? I have adult sons and I love them to bits but they have gone on to make their own lives with their own spouses and children which is good and healthy. However as their lives do not revolve around me I see know reason why my life needs to revolve around theirs. They have friends and lovers and companionship, am I not entitled to the same? They don't live their lives or make their decisions based on my feelings, they do take me into consideration when they choose their partners.

 

The OPs daughter is legally an adult where I live and she is away at college yet she expects her mom to sit alone and lonely just waiting to be graced by her daughter's phone call or occasional visit. She expects her mother's life to revolve around her but her life does not revolve around her mother. She is away enjoying new experiences and she will someday meet a man and fall in love and she won't care one bit what her mother thinks of that man. And when she is off having her relationships she won't care that her mom is alone and lonely, she will be too busy living her own life.

[Timshel]

. At this point she refuses counseling and in PA, a parent can't force an "adult" to do so.

 

I have created a monster. And for the last year I have been in counseling to try to put myself in a position where I am in control of my life. I am not hostage to my daughter, my partner, a sickness, anything. But yes, I created what she is today.

 

 

No, you haven't, you have not created a monster. Your daughter is her own person, you gave birth to her and raised her but she is her own and you can't take credit for the rest of her life, the good and the challenged. It's not yours.

 

 

I also lost my late husband to cancer. I also have an older daughter who is appallingly self centered. I too have moved forward and remarried. Our stories are different in that my daughter has always accepted my current husband. She knows that first; I would never date or bring my children around an inappropriate man. Second; I know her better than any person on the planet. We are close but I am her parent, she will not dictate my life and I do not hesitate to tell her when she is out of line. If she's pissy oh well. It's part of my job as a parent.

 

 

If your are certain of your choice as a partner, as it seems you are, the problem would lie in a lack of boundaries between your self and your daughter. She is being disrespectful towards you with an assumption that her arrogance will be entertained. That needs to be nipped in the bud.

 

 

Did this behavior start with your fiance or has this been consistent throughout her childhood? How is she with her friends?

[PRW]

will someday meet a man and fall in love and she won't care one bit what her mother thinks of that man. And when she is off having her relationships she won't care that her mom is alone and lonely, she will be too busy living her own life.

 

Can you imagine what she would say or do if the mother didn't approve of her boyfriend or who she marries? She'll probably tell her mom that she should not come see her daughter until she can except the boyfriend/husband.

[BaileyB]

I think the most telling thing here is the fact that she has also alienated her friends. This most definitely indicates that this child is struggling in more ways than dealing with your relationship with this man.

 

I hope she gets help, but she is an adult now and if she is not willing to get counselling, there is not much that you can do.

 

While I would never let a man come between myself and my child, and while I would be fairly accepting of things given the circumstances, I would expect her to be respectful towards her mother and her mother’s partner if she chooses to come to the home. You are not wrong for setting those boundaries - just as long as you and your partner are offering the same respect to her.

 

I’m so sorry. I too have watched the person I love more than any other suffer in a way that no person should ever have to suffer... I’m so sorry for your loss. Take care.

[Timshel]

I think the most telling thing here is the fact that she has also alienated her friends. This most definitely indicates that this child is struggling in more ways than dealing with your relationship with this man.

I’m so sorry. I too have watched the person I love more than any other suffer in a way that no person should ever have to suffer... I’m so sorry for your loss. Take care.

 

 

Thanks BaileyB, I missed this. I am sorry for what you and your father are going through. Words don't cut it sometimes.

 

 

OP, this may be an issue that will only be successfully addressed with a psychologist. She is an adult, so your hands are tied but it is very good that you are seeking your own counsel. This will help. You can't fix her but you can learn strategies that will effect your future interactions.

 

 

Keep on keeping on.

[Mr. Lucky]

When she gives me permission. I answer almost every text, phone call, etc.

 

Don't want to assume too much, but is this level of connected dependency good for either one of you? Sounds like she has some things to figure out and maybe needs to be untethered to do so. I realize it's difficult when your child is struggling, but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself about your role in the process. Don't know VAG if this applies to you, but I see a lot of parents more interested in being BFF's than in fostering independence...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Yes, the additional detail paints a different picture. I’m the first to say that children do not dictate their parents’ lives. If she can’t accept your bf and be at least respectful, then your bf was right to do what he did, and you should back him up. You might’ve created this monster but let her know through your actions that you’re not going to tolerate her behavior.

[Gaeta]

The OPs daughter is legally an adult where I live and she is away at college yet she expects her mom to sit alone and lonely just waiting to be graced by her daughter's phone call or occasional visit. She expects her mother's life to revolve around her but her life does not revolve around her mother.

This is OP's impression of it, if we had her daughter's version it might be different. This is not a child of 30, this may be a legal adult but she is still a teen. A teen away at college which means she is still under the responsibility of OP. If this kid went to a local college she'd be living under the same roof, so this is her home too.

 

 

She is away enjoying new experiences and she will someday meet a man and fall in love and she won't care one bit what her mother thinks of that man. And when she is off having her relationships she won't care that her mom is alone and lonely, she will be too busy living her own life.

One day this kid will enjoy her life, fall in love, move on with a man, that day she'll be older and more mature. If OP wants to enjoy her relationship with her daughter when this one is 25, 30, 40 she needs to care a little more now.

[Gaeta]

I would like to know exactly, with examples, why she doesn't like that man?

 

 

 

I'd like to know how long you dated before buying a house together?

[Timshel]

One day this kid will enjoy her life, fall in love, move on with a man, that day she'll be older and more mature. If OP wants to enjoy her relationship with her daughter when this one is 25, 30, 40 she needs to care a little more now.

 

 

Gaeta, not every child is the same. There has been a forever debate in psychology regarding nature/nurture.

 

 

 

I don't know how many children you have but I have three. All of them different, not only in appearance...I have a blonde, blue eyed son. I have two daughters, one with straight brown hair and the other curly.

The personality of each of them is different, one is a phenomenal artist and very empathic, with a sense of humor that is light. Another on the spectrum, quiet, but nothing gets past him...nothing. Creative with building computers. He doesn't want a ready made, lol. Another who is materialistic, shallow. She has a good sense of humor but she is hard, she has always been hard.

 

 

None of us should say that it's the mom's fault that her daughter is difficult. She will know her child and do what is best for the long term.

 

OP does care, a great deal, that's why she posted. There is no 'caring more' with some kids.

 

There is no formula.

 

 

OP, it's clear that you love your daughter very much.

[BettyDraper]

It seems like your daughter is still grieving the loss of her father and seeing you with another man may have reopened some old wounds.

 

That doesn't make your daughter's behavior acceptable though.

 

What makes your fiance hard to live with? Why is he making you choose between him and your adult child? That's a terrible position to put you in.

[BettyDraper]

Gaeta, not every child is the same. There has been a forever debate in psychology regarding nature/nurture.

 

 

 

I don't know how many children you have but I have three. All of them different, not only in appearance...I have a blonde, blue eyed son. I have two daughters, one with straight brown hair and the other curly.

The personality of each of them is different, one is a phenomenal artist and very empathic, with a sense of humor that is light. Another on the spectrum, quiet, but nothing gets past him...nothing. Creative with building computers. He doesn't want a ready made, lol. Another who is materialistic, shallow. She has a good sense of humor but she is hard, she has always been hard.

 

 

None of us should say that it's the mom's fault that her daughter is difficult. She will know her child and do what is best for the long term.

 

OP does care, a great deal, that's why she posted. There is no 'caring more' with some kids.

 

There is no formula.

 

 

OP, it's clear that you love your daughter very much.

 

I hate the way moms are automatically blamed whenever their children are struggling. Parents can only do so much in terms of shaping their children's behavior. Children will ultimately make their own decisions about how they live their lives and relate to others-especially when the children become adults!

 

It's very obvious that the OP cherishes her daughter or else she wouldn't be so concerned.

[PRW]

Looks like the thread has gone off the rails and is now nothing but an argument over how to raise kids,...which will never end..

[Timshel]

Looks like the thread has gone off the rails and is now nothing but an argument over how to raise kids,...which will never end..

 

 

Do you have children PRW? If you do, please share, as this thread is about a mom trying to amend the relationship between herself, fiance and her daughter.

[PRW]

I know what the thread is about, I was the 3rd one to respond. We have answered her question with our opinions multiple times. The thread is just going around in circles at this point.

 

Maybe I have kids, maybe I don't, maybe I have 6 kids and 18 grandchildren, maybe I only have cats. It is not criteria to answer a forum question with an opinion. I never answer questions of that nature since they are just "fishing" for a way to discredit someone if you don't like their input instead of dealing with the content of their input on it's merits. So you can just look at the contents of my responses further above if you want to know what I think of the situation.

[Timshel]

Your input is valued. I don't think anyone on LS knew that I had three kids before today, so, I get you on that. I was responding to the abruptness/dismissal of your post towards our conversation.

I was not seeking to discredit you. This is off topic so will promptly be deleted, but the more the merrier as I am concerned, how about you?

[PRW]

This is off topic so will promptly be deleted, but the more the merrier as I am concerned, how about you?

 

 

No worries. Unless you or someone asked the Mods to do it, I doubt it would get deleted. I'll probably just watch the conversation a little bit longer than unsubscribe from it. I've already said everything I wanted to say way up above.

[d0nnivain]

VAG

 

I think you will all be OK. You have boundaries. You are nobody's push over. Yet your boundaries are flexible enough to count for the fact that you daughter is still a heartbroken kid. Temper every tough stance you take with love -- I know you are not comfortable with this but I love BF & you. It's my decision to marry, not yours. You need to be sensitive to my feelings too. If you can do that, I think this will all work out. Give BF a chance. Kind of "force" your daughter to become a gracious adult even if she would prefer to remain a bratty self centered kid.

[preraph]

I think the single most important thing is that you make it crystal clear to both of them that neither of them has decision making authority over you and your home and that you are not going to exclude either of them and that there are rules of civility for them to follow if they want to be there. Your daughter should go see a college counselor or you should both go see one together. While it's not unusual for kids to hate all stepparent figures, it's unusual for one to be this selfish and clingy and expect her mother to devote her whole attention to her. I've seen lots of five year olds like that, but no adults, so time for her and you to do counseling together. You shouldn't tolerate her being rude in your home just like any other rule. You shouldn't tolerate him laying down the law in your home and he should be prepared to follow through on any ultimatums.

 

Any time I have seen older children balk at one of their parent's friends has been because they don't let them get away with everything. But all that should be up to you -- but making her be polite and civil is also up to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is completely unwilling to put up with that so he told her to get out and not come back if she can't control herself.

 

She wants me to leave him, which was always her wish, or she won't come back.

 

Neither of these positions are reasonable - or tenable. Have you told both of them that? If so, I'd be interested in both party's response if you're willing to share...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, not every child is the same. There has been a forever debate in psychology regarding nature/nurture.

 

I don't know how many children you have but I have three. All of them different, not only in appearance...I have a blonde, blue eyed son. I have two daughters, one with straight brown hair and the other curly.

The personality of each of them is different, one is a phenomenal artist and very empathic, with a sense of humor that is light. Another on the spectrum, quiet, but nothing gets past him...nothing. Creative with building computers. He doesn't want a ready made, lol. Another who is materialistic, shallow. She has a good sense of humor but she is hard, she has always been hard.

 

None of us should say that it's the mom's fault that her daughter is difficult. She will know her child and do what is best for the long term.

 

OP does care, a great deal, that's why she posted. There is no 'caring more' with some kids.

 

There is no formula.

 

OP, it's clear that you love your daughter very much.

 

 

I have been on all sides of this spectrum. I am a mother of an adult daughter of 30, when she was a teen girl she had a step-father she hated so yes I have been in OP's shoes. At the time I thought it was my daughter being a rebel and I could point to everything she did wrong but now years later I realize most our problems was from me not being available enough, not really listnneing, not really acknowledging her turmoil. Thank goodness I left that man after 4 years and I was able to rebuild closeness with my daughter. If I had remained with him my daughter and I would have a relationship but nothing close to what her and I have today.

 

 

 

I am also a foster-mom to a 14 year old girl who's mom destroyed their relationship because of a 'boyfriend'. Mom met a man, man was bad but mom refused to acknowledge she's in the wrong. If she posted in here she'd tell you how her daughter is a rebel and has no respect for anyone, while the truth is that child is the sweetest but mom built her into a monster because she refused to acknowledge her role in the problem.

 

 

I refuse to beleive OP is white as snow. There is always 2 sides to a story and I am gonna take a wild guess that the daughter isn't totally the monster OP is building her to be.

[siren8272]

Sounds like a personality conflict between your daughter and your S/O ...I had issues with my own stepfather when i was her age and now(read my thread on him being mad about a car battery he didnt have to pay for ). All i have to say is tread carefully you pick him or make her think you picked him over her then she will distance herself from you. I left and didnt talk to my mom for THREE years straight other than a hello im living my best life conversations. So these people on here saying "well youre in charge" well yea you are but dont you want to be right or you want your child. Maybe she has a reason . Mine was my stepdad was a lazy mooch and turns out after I left three years my mom FINALLY got it. Dont end up getting just how hard he is to live with whilst your daughter has cut you out her life. The younger generation are nothing like the parents before us. I know people who have cut their mom off for YEARS and had whole marriages and families. So again tread carefully.