For those of you who’ve rejected/been rejected by a close friend romantically

[Mike800]

Did you stay friends afterwards? We’re things awkward? If you did stay friends was it different and less close then before? The same? Closer then before?

[d0nnivain]

I had a guy friend for 20+ years. We were always chill, some light flirting but nothing significant. I moved back to the area where my mom & dad were & found myself single in my mid 30s. He was around & the flirting got a bit more intense. I love him like a brother & he was very close with my parents but there are a lot of reasons why he could never be more, including his raging alcoholism. Anyway I ended up needing a date to an event & asked him because he knew most of the other attendees, including my parents & I wouldn't have to deal with introductions or "entertaining" him at the event. We both had too much to drink & ended up falling into bed together. The sex was amazing! We agreed to be FWB but a little voice inside told me this was a bad idea because he had feelings. About 6 months later he told me he wanted to have a real relationship. I just couldn't do it so I broke his heart & said we have to stop. As you can imagine he didn't take it well but I tried to be gracious.

 

Our lives were too intertwined so complete NC was not an option. We had the same friends. We ran in the same social circles. Initially I tried to skip a lot of events where I knew he'd be; I had more social options then he did. I talked politely to him when he approached me but I never pressed him.

 

He got distant again 2 years later when I met my now husband & started bringing DH around. Slowly he warmed up to DH. DH knows the guy & I had a fling; fortunately for me, DH believes me when I told him I was only in it for the sex. Anybody who knows me & the guy would never think we could be a couple.

 

So now, 12 years after the fling, me & the guy are back to being friends. DH & I had Thanksgiving with him & his mom.

 

Sometimes when he's on a bender he still gets melancholy & weepy crying about why we didn't work out. I remind him that he's too nice of a guy to be saddled with a B!tch like me.

 

My goal through all of this was to enable him to keep his dignity. I knew I was wrong for letting this get started. That little voice told me he had feelings & was lying when he said he was OK with FWB. Since it was my fault I didn't want to rub salt in the wound.

[carhill]

It's been my universal experience that if a woman isn't getting what she wants from a man he's summarily ejected. All the friend BS is to continue to suck attention and care out of him without any reciprocation or affection. If he ends the attention suck, ejected. Feelings.

 

The only women I've truly rejected have been married, and some were good friends, but it didn't seem to phase them; they simply moved on to the many other receptive males. I've yet to meet one in that circumstance that was interested in friendship post-rejection. Rejecting a woman sexually is generally a death sentence for a man, even if the man is married to her

[Mike800]

It's been my universal experience that if a woman isn't getting what she wants from a man he's summarily ejected. All the friend BS is to continue to suck attention and care out of him without any reciprocation or affection. If he ends the attention suck, ejected. Feelings.

 

)

 

Are you saying if a women is friends with a man she’s using him emotionally?

[carhill]

Have you ever been close friends with a woman? Even the most sane and balanced use a guy as a sounding board, and few respect that men aren't wired to be sounding boards, rather problem solvers and let's move on. She'll treat him like a girlfriend but watch out if/when he wants to use her as a sounding board. That's the test. Many tried, nearly all failed, IME. One way street. Nature of the beast. That's when she's ejected from my world. Like she didn't exist.

[Mike800]

Have you ever been close friends with a woman? Even the most sane and balanced use a guy as a sounding board, and few respect that men aren't wired to be sounding boards, rather problem solvers and let's move on. She'll treat him like a girlfriend but watch out if/when he wants to use her as a sounding board. That's the test. Many tried, nearly all failed, IME. One way street. Nature of the beast. That's when she's ejected from my world. Like she didn't exist.

 

Why do you think that is? Is that a women thing or a selfish women thing? I don’t know if all women who are friends with men would refuse to help or listen with their problems.

 

Yes I’ve been there believe me but the women who did it was a selfish narcissist.

[preraph]

I had one friend who I had to reject. We managed to remain friends, though once he married, it's more like acquaintances. I would have cut him off if he ever tried it again. He was wrong for trying it. I used to date his best friend.

 

We both talked about stuff, the people we both knew and ourselves. It was a two-way street. I helped him recognize he had a porn addiction that was disabling him sexually with real women. He listened to whatever I wanted to talk about. I helped him understand why his habit of running reconnaissance on women he had a crush on and then talking marriage on a first date rightly freaked these women out. He has a genius IQ, is in mensa, so he listened to me and actually did change his behavior. He just hadn't thought about it from the women's standpoint before and how creepy it was. One night when he went out dancing alone, he was only focused on one woman there when another one he hadn't really noticed asked him to dance. It really threw him that he didn't choose her. Like it just short-circuited him because he was pretty OCD. But she just took over and they got married and still are.

 

I did not want his adoration. I'm not like the ones Carhill keeps attracting. I liked to be notorious a little in my youth, but I am very uncomfortable and filled with dread if I know someone I'm not attracted to or is off limits is "adoring" me. So not every woman is like that.

[Mike800]

I had one friend who I had to reject. We managed to remain friends, though once he married, it's more like acquaintances. I would have cut him off if he ever tried it again. He was wrong for trying it. I used to date his best friend.

 

We both talked about stuff, the people we both knew and ourselves. It was a two-way street. I helped him recognize he had a porn addiction that was disabling him sexually with real women. He listened to whatever I wanted to talk about. I helped him understand why his habit of running reconnaissance on women he had a crush on and then talking marriage on a first date rightly freaked these women out. He has a genius IQ, is in mensa, so he listened to me and actually did change his behavior. He just hadn't thought about it from the women's standpoint before and how creepy it was. One night when he went out dancing alone, he was only focused on one woman there when another one he hadn't really noticed asked him to dance. It really threw him that he didn't choose her. Like it just short-circuited him because he was pretty OCD. But she just took over and they got married and still are.

 

I did not want his adoration. I'm not like the ones Carhill keeps attracting. I liked to be notorious a little in my youth, but I am very uncomfortable and filled with dread if I know someone I'm not attracted to or is off limits is "adoring" me. So not every woman is like that.

 

That’s interesting..I understand it can be awkward but I find it weird that you get almost creeped out if a guy you’re not attracted to is into you.

[carhill]

This is a forum where we offer our personal life experiences. I've got about sixty years of them in the business world, and social world, with men and women.

 

I don't attract these people, rather run into them in the world. It's not like they show up on my doorstep. Though there was this one young lady out collecting bottles and cans who's been the only knock on my forest abode's door in over three years. Nah, she was probably a nut case

 

If/when I've developed an attraction over time with a close female friend, which has happened in a couple cases, and have been rejected, man that stings, but long interaction with women has taught me that they're not going to change their mind when the guy is in their friend or brother space, so accepted that and moved on, meaning ended the friendship. It was examining some of those friendships, mostly back when a virgin looking to get married and have a family, that added content to the milieu expressed here.

 

Now I look at it like this. If I leave my door open and a thief steals me blind, I'm responsible for leaving the door open and they're responsible for stealing. Lock the friggin door and set a booby trap or three

[preraph]

That’s interesting..I understand it can be awkward but I find it weird that you get almost creeped out if a guy you’re not attracted to is into you.

 

Well, it's more dread. Like I'm going to have to deal with this and I don't want to because I'm not trying to be invested. It's an annoyance. And if they are persistent, it IS creepy. And nearly always it was someone in my larger crowd that I knew I couldn't totally avoid and also knew that if they were telling people things to make them in any way think we had a thing going on, that that would mess up my own plans for my love life. See? Because orbiters will do that. If they run into you on the street, they'll tell someone they were with you and make it sound like something. It's awkward and annoying if they are like that. Not everyone is like that, but the persistent ones are.

[d0nnivain]

That’s interesting..I understand it can be awkward but I find it weird that you get almost creeped out if a guy you’re not attracted to is into you.

 

I kind of feel the same way a preraph. It's not creeped out but it's uncomfortable. I know what it feels like to experience unrequited love, to want somebody you can't have. I feel guilty about being the source of that pain / disappointment to somebody else.

[Mike800]

This is a forum where we offer our personal life experiences. I've got about sixty years of them in the business world, and social world, with men and women.

 

I don't attract these people, rather run into them in the world. It's not like they show up on my doorstep. Though there was this one young lady out collecting bottles and cans who's been the only knock on my forest abode's door in over three years. Nah, she was probably a nut case

 

If/when I've developed an attraction over time with a close female friend, which has happened in a couple cases, and have been rejected, man that stings, but long interaction with women has taught me that they're not going to change their mind when the guy is in their friend or brother space, so accepted that and moved on, meaning ended the friendship. It was examining some of those friendships, mostly back when a virgin looking to get married and have a family, that added content to the milieu expressed here.

 

Now I look at it like this. If I leave my door open and a thief steals me blind, I'm responsible for leaving the door open and they're responsible for stealing. Lock the friggin door and set a booby trap or three

 

I actually got into a relationship once with a longtime friend but it was different circumstances.

 

Our friendship started differently in that I met her through my friend who she eventually married and that’s where are friendship started

 

When she divorced my friend and my friend moved away we started to hangout a lot and after a few years caught feelings and dated

 

But I agree for the most part if your friends too long with a women she usually can’t shake that friend/brotherly feeling away where I think men can transition from friends to lovers easier for whatever reason.

[Mike800]

Well, it's more dread. Like I'm going to have to deal with this and I don't want to because I'm not trying to be invested. It's an annoyance. And if they are persistent, it IS creepy. And nearly always it was someone in my larger crowd that I knew I couldn't totally avoid and also knew that if they were telling people things to make them in any way think we had a thing going on, that that would mess up my own plans for my love life. See? Because orbiters will do that. If they run into you on the street, they'll tell someone they were with you and make it sound like something. It's awkward and annoying if they are like that. Not everyone is like that, but the persistent ones are.

 

I hear you but what if you were actually close friends before that and they still wanted to see you and make it like it used to be?

[Mike800]

I kind of feel the same way a preraph. It's not creeped out but it's uncomfortable. I know what it feels like to experience unrequited love, to want somebody you can't have. I feel guilty about being the source of that pain / disappointment to somebody else.

 

I hear you I think we’ve all been on both sides but if the friendship and bond was strong enough I think the friendship can remain eventually.

[Jethro]

Absolute death sentence for a friendship. It will not be the same again or at least not for a very long time. And even then I doubt it will be the same. At least that's been my experience.

[preraph]

I hear you but what if you were actually close friends before that and they still wanted to see you and make it like it used to be?

 

Well, if they can do that, it's fine, and that's what happened with the example I gave. But as you can probably imagine, most guys can't do that. You have to be sure they're not obsessed with you before you let them hang around, for their own sake of moving on -- and to keep them from acting like they're your bf and ruining your own social life. People are sneaky like that. These days with social media, it would be much worse, them posting photos like they're your bf and all that.

[d0nnivain]

I hear you I think we’ve all been on both sides but if the friendship and bond was strong enough I think the friendship can remain eventually.

 

that was part of the story I told you in my 1st post . . . it took a while.

[carhill]

I actually got into a relationship once with a longtime friend but it was different circumstances.

 

Our friendship started differently in that I met her through my friend who she eventually married and that’s where are friendship started

 

When she divorced my friend and my friend moved away we started to hangout a lot and after a few years caught feelings and dated

Classic example and thanks for sharing that. People with such relationship boundaries generally consider married people unavailable so the inklings of attraction don't even present themselves. If/when circumstances change, inklings may or may not change. Attraction may or may not develop. For some it's a forever deal, others more situational. Many I've known personally stated they would consider the social impacts as well, meaning 'what would friends and family think/feel?' in their action plan. IOW, they might develop feelings of attraction but not act on them or even let the friend know they were attracted.

 

But I agree for the most part if your friends too long with a women she usually can’t shake that friend/brotherly feeling away where I think men can transition from friends to lovers easier for whatever reason.

In general I'd agree with you but I have noticed one marked exception in the mania phase of BP1/2 when, for some, boundaries of appropriate behavior depart. The problem in those is the duality, or split, of the personality. It's like they're two people, one the cool platonic friend and two the wild uninhibited lover. It can be disconcerting to get targeted by that, regardless of the friendship. I've tried a number of approaches but most fail miserably one way or another and the friendship gets eventually trashed or severely degraded. The extent depends on the strength of the emotional memories which are printed during the phase. If I screw up and impel a negative one, the end. Then the question begs why be a friend to such a person. That's a good question. People are complex and mixed bags of stuff and none of us are perfect.

 

There was a relationship expert who likened men's brains to boxes and women's brains to balls of wire. That might explain what you asserted regarding 'switching'. For women it's a global connection driven by emotion; for men discreet boxes of 'stuff'. That's why she has a hard time 'switching'. A guy, OTOH, puts away the 'do stuff with friend' box and takes out the 'I'm gonna get laid' box and looks only into that box. That she might have been a platonic friend doesn't matter, presuming at some level he has or does find her attractive.

 

This 'switching' has happened to me a few times, very few, since I'm atypical of the 'boxes' generality. However, as slow as I was to develop attraction (maybe 'instant' one or two times in life) no doubt women who thought I was a friend would look askance at the creep who befriended them to get laid, even though it wasn't the case at all, rather my attraction style was outlier. Hence, many rejections resulted from that dynamic.

[Mike800]

Classic example and thanks for sharing that. People with such relationship boundaries generally consider married people unavailable so the inklings of attraction don't even present themselves. If/when circumstances change, inklings may or may not change. Attraction may or may not develop. For some it's a forever deal, others more situational. Many I've known personally stated they would consider the social impacts as well, meaning 'what would friends and family think/feel?' in their action plan. IOW, they might develop feelings of attraction but not act on them or even let the friend know they were attracted.

 

In general I'd agree with you but I have noticed one marked exception in the mania phase of BP1/2 when, for some, boundaries of appropriate behavior depart. The problem in those is the duality, or split, of the personality. It's like they're two people, one the cool platonic friend and two the wild uninhibited lover. It can be disconcerting to get targeted by that, regardless of the friendship. I've tried a number of approaches but most fail miserably one way or another and the friendship gets eventually trashed or severely degraded. The extent depends on the strength of the emotional memories which are printed during the phase. If I screw up and impel a negative one, the end. Then the question begs why be a friend to such a person. That's a good question. People are complex and mixed bags of stuff and none of us are perfect.

 

There was a relationship expert who likened men's brains to boxes and women's brains to balls of wire. That might explain what you asserted regarding 'switching'. For women it's a global connection driven by emotion; for men discreet boxes of 'stuff'. That's why she has a hard time 'switching'. A guy, OTOH, puts away the 'do stuff with friend' box and takes out the 'I'm gonna get laid' box and looks only into that box. That she might have been a platonic friend doesn't matter, presuming at some level he has or does find her attractive.

 

This 'switching' has happened to me a few times, very few, since I'm atypical of the 'boxes' generality. However, as slow as I was to develop attraction (maybe 'instant' one or two times in life) no doubt women who thought I was a friend would look askance at the creep who befriended them to get laid, even though it wasn't the case at all, rather my attraction style was outlier. Hence, many rejections resulted from that dynamic.

 

 

It’s funny you say that one of the reasons my friend was so hesitant for years to get it in a relationship with me wasn’t even about her ex being somewhat in my social circle as much as what people would think of her dating her ex’s Friend.

 

She also knew a lot of people in our social circle took her ex’s side and talked badly about her behind her back after the divorce so she didn’t want to go back to that nor did she want them to know our business since she knew I was good friends with them still that they would.

 

My thing was always why lose a chance at love because of bs like that? But those things are huge factors to women.

Edited November 28, 2018 by Mike800

[Mike800]

Do you think the feeling of I’m not good enough for that person for a relationship

so it’s hard for me to remain friends with them is a valid reason to stop being friends even if you’ve been good friends for years and you care for that person beyond just romantically?

 

Or is that being petty and that person really does value you just not in the way you want and just because they don’t want you romantically isn’t because they don’t think you’re not “good enough for them” just not the right match should be the mindset.

[Blanco]

Do you think the feeling of I’m not good enough for that person for a relationship

so it’s hard for me to remain friends with them is a valid reason to stop being friends even if you’ve been good friends for years and you care for that person beyond just romantically?

 

Or is that being petty and that person really does value you just not in the way you want and just because they don’t want you romantically isn’t because they don’t think you’re not “good enough for them” just not the right match should be the mindset.

 

Earlier today I got some great insights from an ex regarding something I'm going through. I was crushed when she ended things many moons ago, and attempts at friendship in the following years were awkward and, on my end, insincere.

 

Eventually I moved on and we became real, genuine friends. She's still one of the first people I go to when stuff's going down that I don't feel I can really talk to my guy friends about. She's always willing to hear me out and dole out thoughtful, helpful advice. So in that case, I really do think she viewed me as a great guy, but just not quite the right fit for her.

 

Now, another ex I have, we've not been able to really do the friendship thing. I don't necessarily want to be back with her, but I still find her attractive and find myself a little uneasy when thinking about her dating. So I know that friendship, real friendship, just isn't in the cards right now. And yes, in some ways, I do feel like she doesn't really view me as good enough, though logically, I know it's mostly that we aren't a great fit.

[outwithpeterpan]

I think it depends on the closeness of the relationship. If you have a deep simmering crush for months on someone, who doesn't feel the same way in return? Sure, you might want to just stop talking to them. But if its a deal where they let you know early on they aren't open for business..... just shrug it off and stay friends.

 

I just don't understand this "men and women can't be friends" line of thinking. Women can be good friends just like men. And beyond that? They'll introduce you to other women. They'll get you into parties. They'll make you look good when you need it. My life is so much better for having remained friends with a few people who rejected me, and a few who I rejected myself. And it seems like the people who say something like "men and women can't be friends" are usually the same people who wonder why they don't meet women.

[carhill]

Did you stay friends afterwards? We’re things awkward? If you did stay friends was it different and less close then before? The same? Closer then before?

 

As a younger person, no, not friends afterwards. Now, no biggie. Better at compartmentalizing. Individual humans don't matter as much. Work out the boundaries and move on. I would say I don't buy into their intimacies 'after' as much. Just a perhaps unintentional mind-fck. I think some women do that without realizing they are. I have to remind them I'm not their 'girlfriend'. Leave that out of it.

[Mike800]

I think it depends on the closeness of the relationship. If you have a deep simmering crush for months on someone, who doesn't feel the same way in return? Sure, you might want to just stop talking to them. But if its a deal where they let you know early on they aren't open for business..... just shrug it off and stay friends.

 

I just don't understand this "men and women can't be friends" line of thinking. Women can be good friends just like men. And beyond that? They'll introduce you to other women. They'll get you into parties. They'll make you look good when you need it. My life is so much better for having remained friends with a few people who rejected me, and a few who I rejected myself. And it seems like the people who say something like "men and women can't be friends" are usually the same people who wonder why they don't meet women.

 

I totally agree as a whole but if you really were in love with that person it can be tough to stay friends.

 

The one time it happened to me I did want to keep her in my life as a friend but what killed me was seeing her be intimate with another guy and thinking that should be me with her in each other’s arms.

 

It hurt too much when I saw her cuddling up with someone else that I had to cut off seeing her much.. it wasn’t her fault and I still care for her deeply but I couldn’t get over that hurdle while still being friends with her

[Mysterio]

Levels of friendships vary in depth. I have yet to see any woman friend of mine or other friends really go out of the way to put couples together. I would more do it, than my woman friends.