Chasing unavailable and lukewarm partners, being indifferent to responsive ones

[barneydin]

I would like to hear your input, advice, and whether you've been in a similar situation.

 

Some time ago I had a bit of an epiphany in therapy. The puzzle fell into place, so to speak. I saw, for the first time, a pattern in my romantic life that I hopelessly repeat time and time again.

 

Basically I am extremely attracted to unavailable or lukewarm partners. I fall in love fast with people who don't seem to share my level of interest, and conversely, women who show instant interest, are caring, and nice from the start simply appear unattractive.

 

If I manage to seduce a lukewarm partner and start a relationship, I slowly gravitate towards disintrest, lack of sex, and being highly critical.

 

Funny thing is that this must by a subconscious thing. Because I usually fall for this type of people on the first date already. Even when I don't have enough information to understand that they might be less interested. It must be on the level of very subtle cues. Weird.

 

Example: one of my exes was a really disapproving, hot-and-cold kind of person. The infatuation was extremely strong, and the sexual desire was through the roof. And recently I met a girl who literally looks like her twin sister, but shows extreme interest and has a lot in common with me: it's off-putting and the physical attraction is very weak, to the point of me feeling weird when kissing her.

 

Now, the therapist suggested schema therapy, which all makes a lot of sense. And is very promising. I got several books to read, which describe this pattern perfectly. There are several strategies to combat this behaviour, apart from emotional work. For example, when the signs of disproportional interest first appear, you talk about it directly; then if they come up again, you walk. You walk like Deniro in Heat. It's an exercise of strong rational mind and it felt very empowering the several times I did it.

 

Now here comes my question. Nowhere in these books do they mention the strategy for the "interested partner" scenario. Either from the start, or after I worked my way towards a relationship. What am I to do when there's a perfectly fine and attractive person, but I feel nothing. Nothing romantic. Nothing sexual.

 

I asked my therapist and he said that it's tricky. That my idea of love is so entwined with the need to win people over, to seek the approval of the disapproving, that it is indistinguishable from a narcissistic obsession. And that I should work on myself emotionally, but that can take years and years. He said that in the meantime, there are two ways to go about it, either stick to an interested person and look for a more of a caring companionship type of thing, or find a person who is only "slightly" disapproving and to try to manage it as it evolves.

 

I don't find his answer satisfactory. The former seems like settling and stringing someone along. How am I to stay in a sexless relationship? For companionship? Aren't friends meant for that? The latter is just plain impossible, what am I supposed to write in Tinder bio: "Only girls who are 7/10 into me, but are communicative enough to work these number"?

 

That's why I want to ask you for some "non-psychological" advice. Has anyone of you worked through this pattern? Do you fall for unavailable people? How is that going for you? How is your relationship with someone who was unavailable at first? What made them change their mind? Or how is your relationship with someone who didn't knock the socks of your feet at frist?

 

Thanks.

[carhill]

I think this could be a fascinating discussion. I've seen some evidence of KISA/caretaker aspects to my personality, especially as a young man where/when serve/protect programming was strong as related to women.

 

However, being very sensitive to inputs, I never failed to recognize the very very few women who demonstrated even a faint modicum of interest and care. That's part of why I had a female best friend for many years. No romance, no interest in that, but rather really appreciated her sincere love and genuine care. We basically 'broke up' when we both got married and moved away and focused on family stuff.

 

As to your question, you feel what you feel. I found, after many, many years of very questionable behavior from women, including the one I married, the biggest hurdle these days isn't attraction, that's fine, but rather believing them. I simply don't believe women anymore. Too many liars and cheats in my past. Still treat them well and with care in general but take much of their milieu as manipulation and BS. Why? I see how they manipulate the guys who do believe them. Not me brother. Give what I want when I want how I want without expectations and trust but verify.

 

I had a lousy (for current social climate) female role model, married for life, responsive and caring to far more than her family and I saw first hand how all those humans acted when she got demented and wasn't their johnny on the spot anymore. Users. Eff them. Most of them were women BTW. I was programmed that women were like her. Ha, ha,

 

You're still in the mating game so ignore my aged cynicism. You will meet a caring and genuinely loving partner at some point when your acceptance of their interest will be mutual. Here's a tip from my male role model:

 

Success is where preparation and opportunity meet.

 

Do your preparation. Life will happen.

[lovely81]

First, please thank your therapist for me! I related to this SO much, and his answers/advice as you relayed them were very helpful.

 

I have been aware of these sorts of issues for awhile and what I've noticed is that there's been a gradual growing awareness in me that I do not actually want to do deal with people not interested in me. It's by getting in touch with that small part that it has become easier to let them go. I slowly have begun to see that dealing with them was like watering my ego, which is like this virus inside of me. So eventually the virus just would grow and grow until something huge would have to happen to end it, and I'd become aware again of the "real me." Now instead of letting the virus grow, I stop watering it much earlier on. Now the real me has a chance to grow--it doesn't need to be watered as much, and it is calling more of the shots. (Mixed metaphor but that is how it appears to me.)

 

Becoming very open to available people is still a struggle. But I've seen myself be more open to them on other levels--friendship and professional, so I have hope it will turn around . . . I do think once you get used to being treated right, it becomes addictive. But the real person who has to treat you right is yourself. For me that manifests in small but important ways--making sure my food is prepared just as I want it, making sure my home is in shape, making all the deadlines and appointments that relate to me, my health and my dreams.

 

That's been my experience. I feel like I am successfully avoiding unavailable people, but am still looking for that available love interest. I have dated a couple of stable available people it didn't work out with, and it has been a nice change. It's better to be rejected by one of them then "accepted" by one of the other types.

 

I have also done a tone of selfhelp type of things that have worked, and you can PM me if you are interested.

[carhill]

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for inspired public discussion, the OP won't be graced with PM privileges until Dec 4 and 39 more posts, at minimum, so onward....

 

I recall the last 'responsive' one I encountered, sane and balanced from repeated interaction, very competent in her job, felt 'it' when we interacted (I was a long-time vendor of the company she worked for). I did a bit of checking and found out she was, yup, married. Later I learned that marriage had soured and indeed she did get divorced a year or so later but, for me, that flirting with me while she was married was a killer. All part of that 'trust but verify' stuff that has developed since, well, Reagan uttered those words over generation or two ago. BTW, that person still works for the company years later and is now the corporate controller, quite an accomplishment. Still a decent and caring person, one whom I greatly encouraged when she had doubts about her abilities to become controller. Bad timing I guess.

 

Watch out for that timing thing OP. Don't let bad timing sour you. Most guys don't but if you've got caretaker personality characteristics it can be a problem.

 

The lady I married probably was the most stable and balanced woman I'd ever met. Not perfect, sure, but definitely nothing unavailable or lukewarm in action. However, I was somewhat ignorant of the differences between feeling and thinking love. If it had been more feeling for her we'd probably still be married and nearly 50K worth of 'stuff' on LS wouldn't exist, since LS became adjunct therapy while we were in MC. Best wishes that you have more long-lived and positive experiences.

[preraph]

As Groucho Marx used to say, you don't want to be a member of any club that would have you.

 

I think it's interesting and that people do it for different reasons, like maybe I'd be suspect of some guy that seemed like exactly my type just instantly took a strong liking to me. I'd be suspicious. And that's at least partly because even though I've done it myself, I logically know if someone is nuts about you instantly, that that is about them, not about me. I know they don't even know me and that I line up physically with some ideal, maybe the same way they do for me. That said, I wouldn't run. I'd see where it went because of my strong physical attraction.