IloveJames Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 We’ve been married for 11 years and been to Hell and back- lost three parents, I got a bad diagnosis, our child has autism, layoffs at work... We stuck together but one day realized love is out of the window, or it sure felt that way. I begged him to do something about it as I was tired of scheduling dates, therapy sessions, initiating intimacy... One day I told him oll find someone if he keeps doing nothing and he encouraged me by saying that he wants me to be happy. I was so confused. Alas, I met someone and fell for him. Fantasy meets reality meets codependency meets excitement. It was surreal on my end and I overlooked many issues in the other man. Husband was fully aware for the whole 15 months we were together and did nothing to stop me, talk to me, win me back, but claims he never stopped loving me and that this is normal for him to let me do things that make me happy. I’m so confused. Is this true love? Or is he that indifferent? Why would he be ok? This wasn’t even an affair as I had his blessing.... Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) Sorry, but there is absolutely nothing normal about that. Edited November 28, 2018 by PRW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 First guess...your husband has his own thing on the side...I know alot of wayward spouses have a hard time believing that because so many view themselves as the better of the two and more desirable. Second guess, he doesn't care. Meaning as long as you aren't in his hair have fun. Neither is a good sign 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Not understanding why you're still married. It seems neither one of you cares about what the other does. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 OP, what are you looking for here? This thread is like your other one and you will get the same people and the same answers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IloveJames Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 OP, what are you looking for here? This thread is like your other one and you will get the same people and the same answers. Please. This is a question about my marriage. The other thread is about James. Are you telling me I am allowed to have one post on this entire forum? I need opinions, shared experienxes, advice about my marriage. As for another woman - I am 100% sure there is no one else. Absolutely sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 As for another woman - I am 100% sure there is no one else. Absolutely sure. Most people who are being cheated on say the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Please. This is a question about my marriage. The other thread is about James. Are you telling me I am allowed to have one post on this entire forum? I need opinions, shared experienxes, advice about my marriage. As for another woman - I am 100% sure there is no one else. Absolutely sure. No, But they will merge your threads if they seem too similar. Answer to your thread: Your husband doesn't care because he isn't in love with you. He loves you as a person, family but not a lover which is why he doesn't care that you have been with James. Your husband doesn't want to lose what you do for him, cooking, cleaning, washing, etc., and is comfortable. You are in love with James so the only thing that is confusing is you. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Please. This is a question about my marriage. The other thread is about James. Are you telling me I am allowed to have one post on this entire forum? I need opinions, shared experienxes, advice about my marriage. As for another woman - I am 100% sure there is no one else. Absolutely sure. Like I said, most cheaters just can't fathom the spouse doing the same...how could you possibly be 100% sure? Maybe just 50% in denial. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Been wondering about this with one MW. In their case it's more lifestyle/social status prison. They're inured to the trappings of status and 'one and done' 30+ on the M clock. I can see the draw of that. Have discrete and safe dalliances to fulfill their more carnal and perhaps emotional needs and be refreshed and positive in their public life. Anyway, OP, can't read your H's mind. IME, nearly every guy I've known who genuinely loves and is attracted/attached to his wife is very territorial and sometimes even violent with male interlopers, even if it was the wife who invited them into bed or whatever. The man is the enemy and should die (literally or figuratively). He's not 'whatever'. YMMV! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 This is a question about my marriage. Your marriage is dead. The only thing left to do now is file the paperwork. As for the new guy, who knows if it's love or just a little no strings attached sex for him. I suppose, time will tell and it will become more clear to you if/when you divorce your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 We’ve been married for 11 years and been to Hell and back- lost three parents, I got a bad diagnosis, our child has autism, layoffs at work... We stuck together but one day realized love is out of the window, or it sure felt that way. I begged him to do something about it as I was tired of scheduling dates, therapy sessions, initiating intimacy... IloveJames, I'll just point out that which you describe as "Hell and back" seems like normal life while the marital effort you grew tired of seems like the everyday work one does to sustain a LTR. We all have trials, tribulations and challenges. In short, faced with the same obstacles couples encounter every day, you found justification to see someone else. Trading one set of problems for another doesn't seem like a good deal... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lucky-girl Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 My husband also said I could have "a quick fling" if I wanted - because he knew I'd missed that excitement of a new relationship - the butterflies and arousal - and he wants me to be happy, because he loves me and he wasn't threatened by me having some fun with someone else. Yes, 'everyone' here (who obviously don't know him) assumed he must have been having an affair himself because they can't conceive of a man being so unselfish. Our culture teaches us all the time that love = jealousy; that if you love someone you want to keep them all to yourself. Actually many people are excited by the idea of their partner being with other people. Many people believe you can love more than one person at a time. But if you have problems with your marriage then having an 'affair' (however legitimate) and falling in love with another man is likely to highlight your problems with your husband/marriage and make you more dissatisfied with your husband/marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 I think when you remove the sexual component and the "in love" component, then the jealousy and territorialism subsides. The desperate fear of loss is not there, there is no need to guard him/her from would be lovers. It becomes a "Who cares?" situation essentially. Your husband may "love" you like a sister. With his sister he would not be jealous or worried if she found a man, likewise he is quite happy for you to take a lover. The passion and desire that signifies a romantic relationship is gone, you have acquired a "brother". Where exactly your husband's passion and desire for you has gone is open to question, but it is a moot point, it has just gone. Is brotherly love enough for you? I guess not, hence James, but James is not "in love" with you either. Time to reassess exactly what you are doing with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IloveJames Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 My husband also said I could have "a quick fling" if I wanted - because he knew I'd missed that excitement of a new relationship - the butterflies and arousal - and he wants me to be happy, because he loves me and he wasn't threatened by me having some fun with someone else. Yes, 'everyone' here (who obviously don't know him) assumed he must have been having an affair himself because they can't conceive of a man being so unselfish. Our culture teaches us all the time that love = jealousy; that if you love someone you want to keep them all to yourself. Actually many people are excited by the idea of their partner being with other people. Many people believe you can love more than one person at a time. But if you have problems with your marriage then having an 'affair' (however legitimate) and falling in love with another man is likely to highlight your problems with your husband/marriage and make you more dissatisfied with your husband/marriage. OmG, so happy to meet you! I am sure we are married to identical men, he does love me tons, recognizes the need and is very selfless... how did your story turn out? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 There are a lot of women who behave like this when their husbands have an affair, so why not? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Does your OM know that he's being used to instill interest in your marriage? It's cruel to use anyone that way. Hope he's fully aware you're mainly using him to cause excitement in your marriage because your H isn't interested in making the effort for you. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Please. This is a question about my marriage. The other thread is about James. Are you telling me I am allowed to have one post on this entire forum? I need opinions, shared experienxes, advice about my marriage. As for another woman - I am 100% sure there is no one else. Absolutely sure. I normally wouldn't suggest this, but have the two of you ever agreed to a trial separation? One where you don't live in the same house and you "date" each other and perhaps others as well? That would give you both a chance to see where you stand with/with out being in each others lives on a daily basis. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 There are a lot of women who behave like this when their husbands have an affair, so why not? Because most of these women, if asked, will tell you how much it's hurting them, even though they are putting on a smile. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Does your OM know that he's being used to instill interest in your marriage? It's cruel to use anyone that way. Hope he's fully aware you're mainly using him to cause excitement in your marriage because your H isn't interested in making the effort for you. There are two sides to the story, and I have feel his reality may be quite different that what some think. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Because most of these women, if asked, will tell you how much it's hurting them, even though they are putting on a smile. Well it's their choice to stay and accept it. I doubt their husband is holding a gun to their head to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 I am sure we are married to identical men, he does love me tons, recognizes the need and is very selfless... Congratulations...I guess... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 You’ve run away from the responsibility of marriage and raising a child into an affair. Good for you? What happens to your autistic child when this all crumbles? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IloveJames Posted December 2, 2018 Author Share Posted December 2, 2018 You’ve run away from the responsibility of marriage and raising a child into an affair. Good for you? What happens to your autistic child when this all crumbles? Oh my. Talk about not being harsh... I have done more for my ASD son that most parents in heir lifetime, trust me. He still will have two caring and loving parents, we can and will be civil. My only goal at this point is to win back James’s heart, because my breakup was guilt-ridden and I was yet again trying to put my son’s needs first. Enough is enough. I have a life too. And deserve happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 Your husband could be cheating himself. Another possibility is he may want an open marriage. Open marriages are unusual but not necessarily abnormal. I agree that your husband may not care because he isn’t in love anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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