BettyDraper Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 Oh my. Talk about not being harsh... I have done more for my ASD son that most parents in heir lifetime, trust me. He still will have two caring and loving parents, we can and will be civil. My only goal at this point is to win back James’s heart, because my breakup was guilt-ridden and I was yet again trying to put my son’s needs first. Enough is enough. I have a life too. And deserve happiness. Children with ASD thrive on routine and they are quite intuitive even when they are unable to articulate what they are noticing. Your son’s progress could be adversely affected by a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Your husband could be cheating himself. Another possibility is he may want an open marriage. Open marriages are unusual but not necessarily abnormal. I agree that your husband may not care because he isn’t in love anymore. Her husband agreed to ILJ dating others hence the entrance of James onto the stage. Her husband gave her the green light so it is an essentially an "open" marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Her husband agreed to ILJ dating others hence the entrance of James onto the stage. Her husband gave her the green light so it is an essentially an "open" marriage. This actually makes no sense....it does not compute that her husband is ok with it, yet she is full of guilt and shame. I believe her husband knows of the "friendship " but I'm guessing he doesn't know the depths of this relationship. Then again, I'm confused by her whole story 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IloveJames Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 This actually makes no sense....it does not compute that her husband is ok with it, yet she is full of guilt and shame. I believe her husband knows of the "friendship " but I'm guessing he doesn't know the depths of this relationship. Then again, I'm confused by her whole story Elaine is absolutely correct. James was not an affair per se, because my husband knew from day one. It’s ttuly weird. I thought I can make him jealous by threatening to date someone and instead he was ok with it. I started dating James as a form of escapism from my extremely stressful life. I manage a team, raise an autistic child, fight a disability and live with a ASD or weirdly tolerant husband. Then James swept me off my feet or just happened to be there for me when I needed someone. I idealized him. Forgave too much. Look past too many red flags. And now I’m going back and forth between desperately missing the idea of James and listening to my inner voice that breaking up with him was the right choice. It’s complicated but not weird. My husband is weird to me - he always sticks around, claims he loves me and yet didn’t stop me from being with James. He truly could have. Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 OP, I don't know your situation but your husband may be gay or bisexual, or he may be having sex outside marriage as well. It's quite reasonable if your husband allows you have sex outside marriage if you missed out for years, specially if he thinks he is the major reason for that, or the responsible one. I am married to a bisexual man who had sex with men behind my back while I remained faithful. We have opened our marriage with strict boundaries and it's working pretty well. Actually it was he who wanted to open the marriage, one of the reasons being I was cheated on and missed out throughout marriage. But none of us is OK, if one spouse falls in love with someone else, where we have agreed to tell the other immediately. This is where I don't understand in your case. Does he know you are in love with James? Link to post Share on other sites
changingmale Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 The husband may like the idea of his wife having sex with another man 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IloveJames Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 OP, I don't know your situation but your husband may be gay or bisexual, or he may be having sex outside marriage as well. It's quite reasonable if your husband allows you have sex outside marriage if you missed out for years, specially if he thinks he is the major reason for that, or the responsible one. I am married to a bisexual man who had sex with men behind my back while I remained faithful. We have opened our marriage with strict boundaries and it's working pretty well. Actually it was he who wanted to open the marriage, one of the reasons being I was cheated on and missed out throughout marriage. But none of us is OK, if one spouse falls in love with someone else, where we have agreed to tell the other immediately. This is where I don't understand in your case. Does he know you are in love with James? Yes. He does know, he knew from the beginning. I begged him to do something about our marriage. I initiated dates, counseling, intimacy but eventually got so tired of it and warned him I will actively look for someone. He is not bi, gay or having an affair. We have talked many, many times.His explanation is that he is so exhausted from raising our autistic child that he uses all of his energy for him. He does help a lot indeed. But then he thought that he loved me so much that he wants to see me happy even if it’s with someone else. I’m so damn confused. Can’t find a single thread with an issue similar to mine... Link to post Share on other sites
Author IloveJames Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 The husband may like the idea of his wife having sex with another man Absolutely not. Discussed many times as well... See my other response above for more details. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I’m so damn confused. Can’t find a single thread with an issue similar to mine... You may not find them here but I've seen similar situations in real life when a spouse is in a caregiving arrangement and their mate is no longer available to be a loving and/or sexual partner to them. They find relief, respite and release sexually with another, or others. In one case in my circle, they ended up marrying after their spouses died. They had been long time couple friends and both spouses had cancer. They're still enjoying life together, now in their 80's. We tend to label people and criticize their actions but in the end people live their own lives. Think those octagenarians care what others might opine about their past choices? Ha, fuggetaboutit. They've got a comfortable life, living on the road exploring the country and us an our opinions are nothing to them. Zero. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) For some people, guilt is a tremendous burden that they can never recover from.. My guess is he's done with the marriage and would probably want a different life, so he gave you a free pass to alleviate the guilt he would normally have had if he had left you, either for another woman or just to leave... I think him saying "he loves you and wants you to be happy" is total BS...No guy on this Earth that wasn't a cuck would ever say that about a woman that they truly care about...No way in hell.. He may reason it as you already "crossed that bridge", so now he can eventually move on without the normal drama...In other words, he has one leg up on you...It sounds like you are feeling guilty, and he probably isn't... I can't really say if what I am saying is true, none of us really know for sure but just my .02 TFY Edited December 10, 2018 by thefooloftheyear 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 For some people, guilt is a tremendous burden that they can never recover from.. My guess is he's done with the marriage and would probably want a different life, so he gave you a free pass to alleviate the guilt he would normally have had if he had left you, either for another woman or just to leave... I think him saying "he loves you and wants you to be happy" is total BS...No guy on this Earth that wasn't a cuck would ever say that about a woman that they truly care about...No way in hell.. He may reason it as you already "crossed that bridge", so now he can eventually move on without the normal drama...In other words, he has one leg up on you...It sounds like you are feeling guilty, and he probably isn't... I can't really say if what I am saying is true, none of us really know for sure but just my .02 TFY Yeah, I dont think she can see the Forrest because the trees are in the way. Like you said, if he isnt a cuckold, then he doesn't care or he is having his own affair. If she is busy with another guy then she wont be paying attention to him. I remember watching a tv show where a wayward wife was describing this very behavior of her husband's to her affair partner. Her affair partner pointed out that her husband was having an affair also. She didnt believe it until she walked in on him doing the maid. Cheaters believe they are the more desirable ones in the marriage and have a very hard time believing their spouses would have interest outside of them. I believe it's an ego thing. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Whether or not he is cheating, I do not think it is love that he is okay with her affair, I personally believe that he has lost interest in her romantically but needs her help with the child. It's an arrangement which works for him in that he gets assistance with their child and doesn't have to be bothered by her while he's not interested in her sexually.... Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 So, I guess you care that your husband doesn't care. What's hurting you? Your ego? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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