Almost 5 months of dating...

[SophieG]

Hi everyone,

So here’s my story! I was with a guy for 3 years before breaking up with him at the end lf May 2018. Since it was bad and I had grieved while still in a relationship, I got back on the market pretty much a week after... met 2 guys, didn’t work out. Then at the beginning of July, I meet a guy. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious, but not closed to the idea if the right person came along. So after out first date (on a Monday), we started writing to each other pretty much everyday and saw each other on the weekend (since he lived an hour away). End of July, we have a little situation that we work out after 3 days of barely talking to each other. From that point on, we started talking over the phone every night, he came to my place from Friday to Sunday (and still does, we don’t even question it anymore). Beginning of September, I start going to his place during the week (he’s really ashamed of his apartment which is why he didn’t want before). So for the last 3 months, we’ve been seeing each other every single weekend and 1 to 2 evenings + nights a week. He met my family and best friend, and we’ve gone to his mom’s or sister’s place at least 10 times

He’s really affectionate, even in front of others. He calls me « baby », « mon coeur » which means my heart in french.

The thing is, I have NO idea if it’s serious and going towards a future. When we started dating, he told me he could see himself in a relationship with me, he said at some point that if things continue, he sees me as his babies mama. But when I brought up the gf/bf subject at the end of September, he said that we’re getting to know each other and taking our time.

I know I should have the DTR conversation, but I’m not ready to lose him and what we have.

So... do we really need labels?! I don’t want to assume he’s serious about us, but if I only look at his behavior, he acts like a boyfriend to me.

 

Any thoughts?!

[smackie9]

My experience, any guy that wanted to be serious with me had NP calling me his GF after a few weeks. That says they are confident in our relationship and me as a person they want to be with.

 

 

 

After months, I say he's keeping his options open...that's not looking good. This babies momma deal is bull s^&% talk IMO. Beware of love bombing..you know that player talk where they say all the right things.

[LauraXX]

Well, that could be my story. Exact same timeline. First date in the first week of July. Spent almost every weekend together after that and everything seemed perfect. First "disappointment" at the end of August when he went on vacation and wasn't communicating as much as I wanted him to. That's when I started my thread about him here on LS. Everything went back to normal after that and he was behaving like a proper boyfriend. I was very reluctant to have THE TALK with him, because I didn't want to rock the boat. Finally had the dreaded conversation with him last week and it turned out that he wasn't ready to become exclusive and be in a relationship. So I told him that I'd have to end things with him and we haven't been in contact since

 

Only difference (and it's admittedly a huge difference): My guy just came out of a long marriage and that's his main reason for not wanting to commit right now.

 

 

So the question is: What's worse? Constantly wondering if you're actually on the same page and maybe finding out that he's dating other women at one point. Or having the talk now and facing the consequences if he doesn't want to be in a relationship. To be very honest: I'm not sure I made the right decision. His answer might have been different a few months later and I REALLY miss him like crazy. On the other hand: I was sick of constantly interpreting his behaviour, reading between the lines, wondering what he was up to when we didn't hang out. I'm also convinced that's it's actually a very attractive trait to have standards and communicate your needs in a relationship. But that's just a weak comfort in a situation like this :/

[SophieG]

LauraXX : Thanks for the reply! I totally understand how you feel! But here’s where my situation is different from yours. 1) From the start he told me is not into seeing multiple person at the same time, 2) After a month dating, we told each other that we deleted dating apps and we became exclusive (so we have been for the past 4 months officially, but from the start we both stopped seeing other people) and 3) I don’t wonder what he’s doing because we’re together 4 to 5 nights a week, and when we’re not he calls me after his job and before going to be, or he always let’s me know what he’s doing (gaming, gym, watching tv, at his sister’s place, etc.) and he pretty much always answers his phone.

Our friends and family sometimes say « your boyfriend » or « your girlfriend » ... we both never corrected them, but we never officially said we were a couple.

Once, while talking on the phone he referred to himself as my bf. I texted him : Is that your new title? And he answered: Sorry, it just slipped out... but we never talked about it again.

Sooo it’s pretty confusing! I know I need to have the talk, I just don’t know how.

[LauraXX]

Ok, you're right. That is a different situation

[Zahara]

He freaks about a simple bf/gf label but he has no issues declaring that you may one day be the mother of his children? Ridiculous. Empty talk.

 

Speaking from experience, there are guys that can date you and go through the motions of a relationship, enjoy all the benefits that a relationship offers without wanting commitment. Meeting parents and family is not an indicator as to whether someone is serious about you. Some people treat it as an important next phase and some see it as nothing but a casual act.

 

You need to decide your own fate. Best to have the discussion and face reality rather than drag yourself further into limbo. If you’ve been dating someone but fear communicating your wants with them because they might leave you, then you already have your answer.

Edited November 29, 2018 by Zahara

[stillafool]

<SNIP>

he sees me as his babies mama. But when I brought up the gf/bf subject at the end of September, he said that we’re getting to know each other and taking our time.

I know I should have the DTR conversation, but I’m not ready to lose him and what we have.

So... do we really need labels?! I don’t want to assume he’s serious about us, but if I only look at his behavior, he acts like a boyfriend to me.

Once he told me he sees me as his "baby momma" I would stop seeing him. How insulting! If a man respects you he would say "I see you as my wife and mother of my kids".

Edited December 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs._December]

..he said at some point that if things continue, he sees me as his babies mama.

How classy and how flattering.

 

Not.

 

Any man who thinks you're good enough to spit his kids out but doesn't think you're good enough to marry isn't worth your time. Since when is it flattering to be told you're good enough one day to knock up? Ugh.

[SophieG]

When he said the « baby mama » remark, we were in the subject of kids, he didn’t just spit that out out of context! He did tell me that he would like to get married and have kids someday, and if things continue as they are, he can imagine himself doing those things with me.

[smackie9]

Just me but a good man is a man that has the confidence to say "I want you to be my GF" with no hesitation or need for "The TALK". I don't know why women put up with these guys that can't get it together.

[SophieG]

@Smakie9. 3 months ago, when I talked to him about being exclusive he told me : well I haven’t been with anyone since you and I’ve deleted dating apps after our 3rd date, but you’re just out of a relationship, I thought you might not be ready for exclusivity just now so I didn’t push it.

When we started, I wasn’t looking for a relationship (but not closed to the idea) but he was. i think he might not bring the subject simply because he let’s me go at my own pace. I’m seeing him tonight, I’ll bring it up.

[smackie9]

@Smakie9. 3 months ago, when I talked to him about being exclusive he told me : well I haven’t been with anyone since you and I’ve deleted dating apps after our 3rd date, but you’re just out of a relationship, I thought you might not be ready for exclusivity just now so I didn’t push it.

When we started, I wasn’t looking for a relationship (but not closed to the idea) but he was. i think he might not bring the subject simply because he let’s me go at my own pace. I’m seeing him tonight, I’ll bring it up.

Well this is a piece of info we all need here. Isn't it obvious he's been waiting for YOU to tell him you are ready? Put your big girl panties on and get on with it. He's not a mind reader.

[SophieG]

So I ended up having the talk.

We were talking about my new job and I basically said that people asked me if I had a boyfriend or was in a relationship. That I automatically answered yes, but I felt uncomfortable, stating that to others when we never actually agreed that we were a couple. I told him that, to me, our relationship naturally grew towards this and I saw us as a couple, and I wanted to know his take on all this.

His reply was that he didn't think he even had to talk about it since it was clear for him that we were a in a serious relationship, therefor a couple.

 

At least now we're on the same page!