New long distance relationship question

[Hopefulromantic23]

What is a reasonable end goal for a long distance relationship. He lives in NY and I live in Ohio. We have been online friends for a year but have recently developed feelings. 3 months into a long distance relationship. We are both serious. This isnt a fling. He was here 2 weekends ago. We are planning to see each other again at new year. It was validated love at first sight. We both are madly in love. We have discussed if things progress well that he would move here no problem. Is that ok to leave it open? Should we have a more detailed plan? Or is it safe to assume that our end goal would be to get married eventually and him to move here eventually and it happens when it happens? This is new and confusing for me. I can’t move because I have a great job that cannot relocate and also a small child. He can relocate. We are both ok with this. Should we just leave things open and re-evaluate in a year?

 

(34f & 27m)

[smackie9]

My advice is to not jump into this so quickly. Date for a year, let the honeymoon phase wear off, so you will know whether him relocating is the right decision. You really need time to actually get to know one another on a one on one level. Dating someone physically vs internet wise is totally different. I think you to are just too caught up in the newness/obsessing to be making any serious long term decisions. Yes he is willing to relocate, that's promising, BUT things can change. It's better to wait it out and see where this will take you, how you two deal with issues, etc. Once things settle down you both will recognize if this will work for you or not.

 

 

BTW congratulations I hope this is the one

[Hopefulromantic23]

Thanks. I just have been reading all these articles that say to set an end goal immediately when you’re entering into a relationship. I’m confused exactly as to what that means. I mean our end goal persay right now ; is that we are serious about one another and we are dating with intention I guess.

 

It’s a totally different beast. It helps that we know each other pretty well already. We’ve been talking for a little over a year we just haven’t pursued anything until recently.

[ExpatInItaly]

We have discussed if things progress well that he would move here no problem. Is that ok to leave it open? Should we have a more detailed plan? Or is it safe to assume that our end goal would be to get married eventually and him to move here eventually and it happens when it happens? This is new and confusing for me. I can’t move because I have a great job that cannot relocate and also a small child. He can relocate. We are both ok with this. Should we just leave things open and re-evaluate in a year?

 

You're nowhere near that phase yet. Spend more time together in person. See how you are when you're in each other's physical presence with more frequency. This is particularly important because you have a child. You need to make sure he meshes well with the little one, consistently, and that is something you will only learn over time. Being online friends is very different from being a couple and your relationship needs time to grow before either of you start assuming marriage is in the cards yet. You're in the honeymoon phase of the relationship right now, and it's too soon to be making long-term plans yet - in my opinion.

 

So yes, I would leave things to progress and re-evaluate in a year. You can certainly date with the intention of greater commitment to each other in the future, but give yourselves time to see how things develop.

[diddilybop]

i'm with ExpatInItaly. it's way too early to think about marriage, especially since you two live in two different states and haven't been seeing each other (physically) regularly. also, you mentioned you have a child...it's best not to jump into things too quickly, instead, allow things to progress naturally and slowly, see how this guy treats your little one. take this time to get to know each other better.

[Gretchen12]

For your age range, you can assume he is not against marriage in the future. That's all you can know for now. Get to know each other. Meet his family. If you guys were in your 50's and you want to (re-)marry I'd have suggested you check his position because some older men never want to marry again. For a 27 y.o. guy, he probably will want to marry by his early 30's but he's not in a big hurry. Maybe you are thinking you don't want to wait 6 years until he's 33 and you'd be 40 by then? Imo LDR should not go longer than a year without definite plans to be closer. After he becomes local, you need about another year of extensive contact before tying the knot.

[JoseFromSF]

What is a reasonable end goal for a long distance relationship. He lives in NY and I live in Ohio. We have been online friends for a year but have recently developed feelings. 3 months into a long distance relationship. We are both serious. This isnt a fling. He was here 2 weekends ago. We are planning to see each other again at new year. It was validated love at first sight. We both are madly in love. We have discussed if things progress well that he would move here no problem. Is that ok to leave it open? Should we have a more detailed plan? Or is it safe to assume that our end goal would be to get married eventually and him to move here eventually and it happens when it happens? This is new and confusing for me. I can’t move because I have a great job that cannot relocate and also a small child. He can relocate. We are both ok with this. Should we just leave things open and re-evaluate in a year?

 

(34f & 27m)

 

 

Well, it really depends on you two. If you two want to get married, one of you is going to have to move.

 

 

My wife and I were long distance - she lived on the east coast, I lived on he west coast. We saw each other every 2 months and talked on the phone (NOT TEXTING, actually talking), multiple times a day. She moved here after we both graduated college. We've been married 11 year and together 15.

 

 

So they can work, but they are very hard.

 

 

Edit: we both knew after the first date we were going to get married. It wasn't necessarily love at first site, but we both had a very very strong feeling we'd get married.

[Giraffe-A]

The end goal should be him moving to your state. That’s a huge step to process before even thinking marriage.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

I had an LDR with a popular member of this forum some years back when I had 25K posts here under another name. Not being able to see each other made WANT a burning fire for each other. We finally did meet and it went as great as I could have imagined for five day fling.

 

 

 

But once we returned to our separate lives, there was no more living in fantasy of each other or having phone sex. It wasn't long before she accepted a local man she had overlooked because of his weight and size which I showed her did not stop an eager man from rocking her freaking world. People here got some wrong impressions and seemed to think it was my doing that she left me, but it wasn't. I loved her. But she wanted to chase and never be caught herself.

 

 

 

I so wish it could have worked, but I didn't have the wealth to sweep her away and accept her children. I've been over it for years and am only back now because Twitter is wearing me out with negativity I share about politics. I just want to share thoughts with real people and their feelings about love. See me--feel me--touch me--heal me.

[gaius]

The end goal should be to be together. If he's not coming up with a plan to relocate to where you are then it's not serious. And it's not going to work out long term unless he does that.

 

He's known you a year now, you've been together for 3 months and met in person. Plenty of time and interaction for him to decide whether he wants to actually take it to the living near each other level or not. My wife and I talked on the phone every night for hours and hours for a few months and then I moved to be near her about 2 weeks after our first meeting. Going on 4 years now.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I would suggest not becoming exclusive right away. Me being kinda desperate, I cut off all dating for a guy I met online who lived an hour plane ride away. In the end I understood this relationship was unrealistic and I was chasing a fantasy of a guy who was a loser. Do not cut off local guys as options because you don't even know how serious this guy is. The guy I dated was super excited about a relationship, until he discovered he had to do more work then online communication.

[chillii]

But that wouldn't make sense.

You can't eff around with other people and no bodies if your truly in love that's the last thing you want.

 

OP , don't worry about articals god almighty 3/4 of them are written by no bodies or people with the worst relationship records on the planet.

Sure if one of them actually knows what they're talking about has something solid and you agree with it, up to you.

 

Anyway , sounds like you guys have the great basic plan, that's great , usually there's so much involved ya can't get much further than that so soon they're complicated sitches.

lf your happy with everything so far it's all up to you, enjoy.

 

l suppose though if things start stalling or setting off alarm bells then you have to look at it and decide from there.

And yeah , meanwhile spend as much time as you can together and run with it.

[Hopefulromantic23]

A little bit of an update. He was up for new years for 5 days. We had an okay time but I ended up getting sick with flu like symptoms two days in. So the affection went down a little and he was a little emotionally distant. He has also been stress with things going on in his life. However, things are still doing really good afterwards. And we did discuss more prominent end goals. He said 6 months to a year before he can move here but he definitely is. Also he wouldn’t logically see moving to me as the right move if he didn’t see marriage as a real possibility later on down the road. So really I am just playing it by ear likes any “normal” local relationship. Can’t predict the future. We also obviously have our days where we don’t really feel too talkative or are moody.. but we are just human. We both continually put in the effort to make each other feel loved and appreciated. He wont be able to make it to see me again til March but I am ok with that. I feel like we are best friends first and lovers second so it helps me to understand him on a deeper level. I honestly can’t see this “not” working. I am probably naive and I am trying not to be overly hopeful but when you love someone unconditionally and you feel they do the same for you its hard not to feel that way.

[justwhoiam]

What is a reasonable end goal for a long distance relationship

There's no rule for that. It depends on how strong the relationship is, how strong feelings are. How motivated people are. 3 years should be a good amount of time.

 

 

 

Is that ok to leave it open?

What do you mean? Like not being a steady couple? Just see him casually? I think it depends on what both people want, but I think the open couple usually doesn't last too long. If you mean leave the move date open, then I guess you'd want to have at least a timeframe, if you want your relationship to be as healthy as possible.

 

 

 

Should we have a more detailed plan?

When time is ripe, yes.

 

 

Or is it safe to assume that our end goal would be to get married eventually and him to move here eventually and it happens when it happens?

Are you implying you're considering switching from LD to wedding directly? I'd say no. It's risky. You should at least spend a vacation with him alone first, in a location unrelated to the places where you both leave. Then meet each other's relatives. Then get to know each other's financial situation in detail. And see where that can take you. Then try living under the same roof for a couple months, with you both working.

 

 

 

Anyway, him being 7 years younger might be a problem going on. If he wants a baby, you might want to get pregnant before you're 36. What happened to your father's child?

 

 

 

Should we just leave things open and re-evaluate in a year?

Will that drain both your finances that could be better spent for your project of being together?

 

 

(34f & 27m)

 

I just have been reading all these articles that say to set an end goal immediately when you’re entering into a relationship. I’m confused exactly as to what that means. I mean our end goal persay right now ; is that we are serious about one another and we are dating with intention I guess.

It's per se anyway. Well, I'm going 7+ years... still not sure how long it will last. But I guess I'm the proof that it's possible at least. Don't think that all that you read applies to you. Those are general rules.

 

So the affection went down a little

Too bad. When someone's head over heels in love they don't care about the flu, and actually they might be feverishly like bunnies...

 

he was a little emotionally distant

Now, I wouldn't underestimate that.

 

 

 

He has also been stress with things going on in his life

Like what? If he's like that at 27, guess at 40...

 

 

 

We also obviously have our days where we don’t really feel too talkative or are moody

And do you see your two personalities working together long term?

 

 

 

I feel like we are best friends first and lovers second

Kudoz to you for your wisdom. I'm not sure you'll think this same way going on, should you share a family, commitment and so forth. You might be less prone to be so forgiving and be fine with just the expectations a friend would have rather than a wife.

[Hopefulromantic23]

Thanks for your reply. It was nice to see things from another view.

 

No. I don’t mean jumping into a wedding right away. I don’t want that. I just would see this whole thing being pointless if a marriage was not a goal at some point.

 

Best friend thing is more important than you might think. I was married once for 4.5 years and with my daughters dad for nearly 10 years. It’s probably the most important thing as love changes, life changes, people change. You need to have a solid ground to cling to so you never give up on each other. Friendship is actually incredibly important in romantic relationships. Especially if you want them to last long term. It’s so complex.

 

He was going thru a lot as he switched jobs, his brother was going thru some stuff, his mom was sick. Just a lot of personal stress that kind of all happened at once.

 

He definitely was not a nurturer when i was sick. But also people learn those behaviors from how they behaved growing up. And he didn’t have a father figure around to take care of his mom. So its to be expected probably. It doesn’t mean he’s not husband material.

 

I still have my daughter. The plan would be for him to get his own place and us live separately until we can blend our lives together more organically. It will all take time.

[Fekenaws]

In my experience LDR last until the end of the "puppy love" phase, after that, the lack of physical intimacy will drain all the love out of the relationship until one of the partners calls it off.

[justwhoiam]

In my experience LDR last until the end of the "puppy love" phase

And the puppy love phase can last more than 7 years? I doubt it.

 

 

 

the lack of physical intimacy will drain all the love out of the relationship

I'd call it "scarcity" if anything. If it's a "lack" of physical intimacy, then it's a virtual relationship, which is a totally different thing.

 

 

 

until one of the partners calls it off.

Oh yeah, but this statement applies to most breakups, regardless of the nature of the relationship. The alternative is that both partners call it off.

[justwhoiam]

I was married once for 4.5 years and with my daughters dad for nearly 10 years.

So this would be your third marriage? Then give it enough time to make the right choice.

 

 

 

You need to have a solid ground to cling to so you never give up on each other.

And you didn't know this when you got married twice in the past?

 

 

 

Friendship is actually incredibly important in romantic relationships.

Friendship can help make the relationship last longer, or it can actually break it. Ever heard people say they felt like brother and sister in the couple?

 

 

He was going thru a lot as he switched jobs, his brother was going thru some stuff, his mom was sick. Just a lot of personal stress that kind of all happened at once.

There can be unemployment, issues with a baby, losing health, getting old, etc., and any issues relating to those things. Things will be amplified going on, not getting smoother. The road will be steeper. So take that into account.

 

He definitely was not a nurturer when i was sick. But also people learn those behaviors from how they behaved growing up. And he didn’t have a father figure around to take care of his mom. So its to be expected probably. It doesn’t mean he’s not husband material.

People hardly change, if they're even interested in changing anyway. People learn ways to cope with stuff, and they hardly change those too. What happens if you have a fight or a disagreement? Make sure you find that out in time.

 

It will all take time.

Don't be naive. The fact is that he's only 27. And you'll be the one getting hurt. I know of a couple who lasted 11 years, but in the end, when he was in his 40s and she was in her 50s, he found a younger woman and he wanted a baby. And that was after convincing her that age difference didn't matter... and she bought it.

[OneWayLove]

I think you need to talk about it and make some plans. And also you need to spend time together even more. LDR is bit compicated but real love can conquer all.

[Timos]

What is a reasonable end goal for a long distance relationship. He lives in NY and I live in Ohio. We have been online friends for a year but have recently developed feelings. 3 months into a long distance relationship. We are both serious. This isnt a fling. He was here 2 weekends ago. We are planning to see each other again at new year. It was validated love at first sight. We both are madly in love. We have discussed if things progress well that he would move here no problem. Is that ok to leave it open? Should we have a more detailed plan? Or is it safe to assume that our end goal would be to get married eventually and him to move here eventually and it happens when it happens? This is new and confusing for me. I can’t move because I have a great job that cannot relocate and also a small child. He can relocate. We are both ok with this. Should we just leave things open and re-evaluate in a year?

 

(34f & 27m)

 

I have a similar situation here so I can understand the struggle you've been through. You see, I have a girlfriend in Greece and we've been together for 2 years. We could only spend a summer holiday together in Greece and we are talking online everyday. Recently I've found a nice job in Greece but they don't want to provide residency for me so we decided to buy this lovely villa in Greece so that I can benefit from Greek citizenship by investment program and also we can use it as a summer house. The problem is my family and friends think it's a weird decision to sell my property in London and buy a house in Greece with a girl that I've spent only one summer with, but I think it's just because they can't see her as I do. But anyway I want to be with her as soon as possible and they will accept the situation I hope. As Shakespeare says: ''Journeys end in lovers' meeting.'' So I guess it's time to settle for me