How did you go back to your marriage as a MOW after the affair

[Sonnyp]

I have not posted my story here but I have been in a LTA with a MOM and have reached the point where I realise it is making me unhappy. If MOM had left I know I would have left my M to see if we worked in real life. But he has pretty much always been of the view he wants what he has which is to stay comfortable, be with the kids, not lose money and all the usual you hear on here. Same story as everyone else, OW is more in love than the MM I guess.

 

This has reached a point where I know what I need to do. I haven’t told MM but I have started to slowly pull away and as most of you would know it feels awful and is causing me a lot of angst as I know I will need to go Nc to achieve what I want.

 

My question is not about the A though. I have read enough and know the feelings I have gone through for long enough (over 5 years now) to realise this will never go anywhere with him and it’s not healthy for me to live life this way.

 

I want to go stay in the marriage, not tell my H of the past A and be happy again. What are the processes people have gone through to achieve this and any advice would be appreciated. H has previously caught us in the A a long time ago when it was 6 months in which put the brakes on for a bit but we then went back to the A and H has never become aware. So I know that I couldn’t tell him as it would be an end to the M and I myself struggle with the guilt and how wrong it is so I would never ask H to accept it and stay either.

 

It is heart wrenching to be in this place where you can’t funcuon normally, it’s constantly on my mind and I know that ideally I want to be a doffeeent person to who I have been. All the lies and deceit mean I don’t like who I am anymore.

 

I won’t wrote more now but I hope some of you can provide some insights into your own situation to help me think about the steps I know I need to take.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So, I was in a similar position with some differences of course but to answer your question, it takes time, change, growth and total no contact.

 

My A ended with discovery like yours but I emotionally held on for close to a year. It was not until he was gone completely from my life that I started to heal. This is harder for you if he is contacting you and his wife does not know. Like you, I did not tell my H about my heartstrings, that would be cruel. H wanted to save the marriage and I will be honest, it was pretty rough. He was furious, mean, and I was lovesick and anxiety ridden.

 

But. Time passed and time passed and things changed. You have to figure out why you did this or you will just find a replacement. As we get older I have realized there are so many men out there looking for an A. They are everywhere. So you have to get to that point where you will (a) never put yourself through that pain again and (b) know you deserve more from life. People will say, what about your spouse, they deserve your love and caring. To that I say, true - but you cannot begin to care about and love another person until you know how to love yourself first.

 

Change - something is wrong or missing and maybe it's your spouse, maybe it's your life, maybe it's you. Maybe you have no gratitude or no discipline or no goals or no sense of self. Maybe you are creating drama in your life to avoid dealing with the things you know you need to fix because its not fun to deal with your own self created issues. Its hard work. So people run and hide. You need to figure out what is missing and address it.

 

In terms of the relationship with your spouse, it takes a lot of time. Our relationship is good, better actually than before the A. It was hell though. We both changed. You come out the other side as different people. it changes everything.

[InvisibleLady]

My story is out there, I won’t re-hash all of it. But it is very difficult. You have to suffer through it alone and it’s hard and H will wonder what’s wrong, so be careful. Lucky for you, you found LS before pullingthe plug on the A so you can come here for support. I found LS after I suffered silently throughthe worst of it. The best thing to do once you end things is strict NC. It is hell on earth, BUT it doesn’t last forever. Time and NC are the only things that help. Counseling may help you as well. Stay busy.

 

Others will say you cannot move on with your marriage without disclosing to your H. I think it depends on your marriage and your H. My H cannot handle it, he could not handle a man (not xmm) contacting me totally platonically. He flipped out and still thinks every man on earth wants me. And while I probably deserve it, I couldn’t handle living like a prisoner because he wouldn’t trust me. The A was pure hell and soul destroying, I see no need to drag him into this nightmare and I will never do this again. It’s not for fear he will leave me, he won’t.

 

My A has been over for one year, but because I hadn’t found LS at the time I wasn’t aware how crucial COMPLETE NC is to healing. XMM broke NC 6 weeks after ending things, so we were very LC until last summer and complete NC for the past 5 months. There was no closure or good-bye or no “please never contact me again”, we just haven’t reached out. I am not going to contact him. I owe that to my H and my marriage. I have been tempted and it’s not easy and I have gone “pain shopping” by looking at social media. My ego wants xmm to reach out; I want to be the one to ignore him (assuming I have the will power) but with each passing month I don’t think it will happen.

 

As MB1980 said, figure out why it happened. I was in a bad place and re-thinking my life,my marriage and things my H had done in the past (he also had a fling years ago) and H was working a lot. Enter the persistent MM right on cue....and there you go!

Edited November 29, 2018 by InvisibleLady

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

As far as re-engaging in your M in a healthy way, I see a couple factors...

1. Most importantly, did your M have a solid foundation prior to the A? If the A was due to a shaky foundation getting large cracks in it, then prognosis is not good.

 

2. Can you compartmentalize? If you don't disclose, psychologically you'll need to put the A into a box and never look at it again, not even briefly or superficially. You can't ever grieve it like a death. It didn't exist. IDK if you can do that or not. Some people can, some not. IME, women have a hard time with that, though they can put on a pretty good show.

 

3. Risk. Is there substantial, or any, risk of the A becoming disclosed from other sources? That could throw a large wrench into your plan. MM is one risk. Only you know his style and proclivities. What other risks are there? Can they be mitigated or leveraged?

 

I generally suggest that disclosure and counseling are the clearest path to an authentic result. That's what my exW and I did. However, I do understand why people choose to not do that. If you need help organizing your thoughts, contact an IC and task them to assist in modifying your behaviors and processes to proceed. The IC won't care about your marriage or spouse and will help you exclusively in whatever you task them to.

 

We found our foundation was not substantive enough to continue so we divorced. However, that process took over a year of MC and some difficult introspection to determine. Whatever you choose, expect no quick fixes or easy paths. Good luck!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Thanks for posting this because I am going through this now. My story is on here too, with a few updates I'm too embarrassed to post at the moment.

 

I can't go complete NC because MOM and I work together, but starting Monday we will not see each other nearly as much as we have the past 2 months. I'm relieved and also dreading it. I also decided not to disclose to my H; it's gotten impossible to hide what I'm going through and I'm worried he may figure it out. I've been seeing an IC but I'm trying a new one next week in hopes of more positive results. I may have to go on antidepressants (which I've been avoiding) because I'm having a hard time controlling my crying and keeping myself together. Anyway, none of this is helpful to you, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in what you're feeling. This is harder than I ever thought possible and mine wasn't even half as long as yours.

[Lotus_Luna]

Therapy, Support and a lot of self growth.

 

You’re going to dive deep into why you had the affair, what about it you’re clinging to and who you want to be when you’re better.

 

Just focus on that end goal. Remind yourself it’s an addiction and your brain is going through withdraws.

[Abetterme]

Hi Sonny - How are you doing? I hope you’ve been able to do the right thing for your marriage and yourself and break contact with you AP. I know how difficult this cycle is to break as I’ve put myself in a very similar situation and feel paralyzed. It does help to read others progress as I try to distance myself as well. Best wishes.

[Lewhawk]

If you’re at the point where the only thing keeping you married is om not leaving his wife then you need to tell your husband. Give the guy a break he at least deserves someone that actually wants to be with him.

[BaileyB]

If youÂ’re at the point where the only thing keeping you married is om not leaving his wife then you need to tell your husband. Give the guy a break he at least deserves someone that actually wants to be with him.

 

Not to be harsh, but there is some truth in this. If you were ready to leave your marriage but for the fact that your married man has decided to stay up with his family, does that not indicate that your marriage is basically dead? I’m curious, why do you want to stay in the marriage?

[DKT3]

I agree, you should not stay married. Your husband, whom you committed to above all others have become the other, the fall back the left overs. The guy there because you cant have the one you really want. I believe he deserves better than that, hell everyone deserves to be their life partners first choice. You cant offer that, he deserves better.

[snowcones]

Suck it up and don't ever mention the MM again, not even on here.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Not to be harsh, but there is some truth in this. If you were ready to leave your marriage but for the fact that your married man has decided to stay up with his family, does that not indicate that your marriage is basically dead? I’m curious, why do you want to stay in the marriage?

 

I respectfully disagree. A person in the fog of an affair does not know what he or she wants. It's akin to a mental illness, a mental breakdown. It's different for every person of course but something is wrong in your brain to be self-destructing like that. It's like you are on heroin.

[BaileyB]

I respectfully disagree. A person in the fog of an affair does not know what he or she wants. It's akin to a mental illness, a mental breakdown. It's different for every person of course but something is wrong in your brain to be self-destructing like that. It's like you are on heroin.

 

A marriage is between two people, and right now only one person has all the information and because of that, only one person is making the decision to stay married or not.

 

While I can appreciate that OP is confused, it's not only about her.

 

Two things we know for sure based on the information that has been shared by OP - if her affair partner would have her, she would leave the marriage. And, if her husband knew the truth of the marriage, he would end it.

 

Reconcilliation, given the circumstances, is going to be hard.

Edited December 13, 2018 by BaileyB

[Whispertomyheart]

It may be difficult but it is possible.

[InvisibleLady]

I respectfully disagree. A person in the fog of an affair does not know what he or she wants. It's akin to a mental illness, a mental breakdown. It's different for every person of course but something is wrong in your brain to be self-destructing like that. It's like you are on heroin.

 

THIS^^^^ 1000%!!!

A year out my brain still isn't right! Unless you have been through it yourself you don't know the mindf**k that it is.

[Sonnyp]

Thanks MidnightBlue, you have hit the nail on the head. As I’ve been in the affair so long and it consumes me, I don’t know how I feel about H and my M. I feel a lot of guilt and I feel down at times because I’m not free to spend more time with MOM which then affects me and I stay in the constant cycle.

 

Because of the situation I am in I don’t believe I can make a call on my M to leave or stay while in the A. I’ve always said I need to spend at least 3 months with clear air to consider how I feel with MM gone from my life and being on my M. But I’ve never been able to do it. It’s been a few weeks now since I first wrote and I have still not yet pulled away fully from MM. with the holiday period coming up it will likely give me an easy way to pull away for a little while.

 

Was more posting to understand how people get through this, jow they make a cut from an A where nothing bad has happened and you’re still very much into each other, but that I realise it can’t ever be more so it’s not good for me.

 

My M is good enough. My partner is committed and we share values and interests and can still have a good time. Of course there are times we frustrate one another but I would say H is a better person than MM and I believe others would say the same. Something though attracts me to MM. I wish it didn’t but it’s there and I can’t break it. Chemistry I would describe it as. Maybe that’s just because it’s an A and I’m in the fog.

[DKT3]

Thanks MidnightBlue, you have hit the nail on the head. As I’ve been in the affair so long and it consumes me, I don’t know how I feel about H and my M. I feel a lot of guilt and I feel down at times because I’m not free to spend more time with MOM which then affects me and I stay in the constant cycle.

 

Because of the situation I am in I don’t believe I can make a call on my M to leave or stay while in the A. I’ve always said I need to spend at least 3 months with clear air to consider how I feel with MM gone from my life and being on my M. But I’ve never been able to do it. It’s been a few weeks now since I first wrote and I have still not yet pulled away fully from MM. with the holiday period coming up it will likely give me an easy way to pull away for a little while.

 

Was more posting to understand how people get through this, jow they make a cut from an A where nothing bad has happened and you’re still very much into each other, but that I realise it can’t ever be more so it’s not good for me.

 

My M is good enough. My partner is committed and we share values and interests and can still have a good time. Of course there are times we frustrate one another but I would say H is a better person than MM and I believe others would say the same. Something though attracts me to MM. I wish it didn’t but it’s there and I can’t break it. Chemistry I would describe it as. Maybe that’s just because it’s an A and I’m in the fog.

 

I'm glad you came back to post, however, this post magnifies your issues. The thread is about how to engage back into your marriage and you've spent 75% talking about your affair partner.

 

I think saying you need to be clear of MM before you decide what to do with your marriage is bologna. What I'm hearing is, I dont love my husband but he will do since I cant have the man I want.

 

Also, unless your husband is lying, deceiving, cheating and prioritizing someone over his family then you two dont share the same values.

 

Small delusions turn into a big mess.

[stillafool]

I respectfully disagree. A person in the fog of an affair does not know what he or she wants. It's akin to a mental illness, a mental breakdown. It's different for every person of course but something is wrong in your brain to be self-destructing like that. It's like you are on heroin.

 

If so that is all the more reason to tell your spouse. If this is an illness your spouse should be there to support you through it. "Through sickness and health". To not tell the spouse what you have been doing to them behind their backs creates a marriage based on lies and deceit. No one deserves that.

It's more selfish to not tell just to cover your own butt.

[Sonnyp]

Why don't you just get a divorce? It's obvious you don't love your husband.

 

How is that obvious? I haven’t divorced him because I can still enjoy time with him, we make a good team, we are parents and always will be to our children and divorce may not be the right decision for us.

 

All the feelings I have of guilt speak to the fact there is love there. We have a history and it is not a bad marriage. I never set out to have an affair, nor stay in an affair so long, nor be in a position where losing my MM or my H would cause me such pain. I know losing either is going to hurt as would potentially losing both. It is a no win situation of my own doing.

[DKT3]

How is that obvious? I haven’t divorced him because I can still enjoy time with him, we make a good team, we are parents and always will be to our children and divorce may not be the right decision for us.

 

All the feelings I have of guilt speak to the fact there is love there. We have a history and it is not a bad marriage. I never set out to have an affair, nor stay in an affair so long, nor be in a position where losing my MM or my H would cause me such pain. I know losing either is going to hurt as would potentially losing both. It is a no win situation of my own doing.

 

I agree, I dont believe you love your husband...you've made several comments that lead us to believe that along with your cheating for pretty much your entire marriage.

 

One comment that really sticks out is you saying you feel guilty for not spending more time with your MM....I'm assuming you meant to say husband, but maybe not.

 

Again, you started this about getting back into your marriage...were you in love with your husband you wouldn't need to ask that question.

 

I know I can come off as harsh, but I think you admitting some things and asking yourself some questions would really help you. Kids and enjoying him sometimes isnt enough to stay married and he deserves more then you have ever been able to provide. After all this time it's not going to change now.

 

Honestly, would your husband stay around if he knew he has shared you (or really got what was left) for decades.

Edited December 17, 2018 by DKT3

[Marc878]

How is that obvious? I haven’t divorced him because I can still enjoy time with him, we make a good team, we are parents and always will be to our children and divorce may not be the right decision for us.

 

All the feelings I have of guilt speak to the fact there is love there. We have a history and it is not a bad marriage. I never set out to have an affair, nor stay in an affair so long, nor be in a position where losing my MM or my H would cause me such pain. I know losing either is going to hurt as would potentially losing both. It is a no win situation of my own doing.

 

There is no us at this time. Your H is in the dark and doesn't have the truth to make a decision.

 

Infidelity is selfish in nature. This is all about you and no one else counts.

[Sonnyp]

i know I can come off as harsh, but I think you admitting some things and asking yourself some questions would really help you. Kids and enjoying him sometimes isnt enough to stay married and he deserves more then you have ever been able to provide. After all this time it's not going to change now.

 

Honestly, would your husband stay around if he knew he has shared you (or really got what was left) for decades.

 

I don’t believe he would stay around. Which is why I do not believe I would ever tell him. It would be too hurtful and not of value on trying to build a good marriage, it would set us back too far to recover from.

 

Taking a look at your post threads started it would seem that you are a BS so your experience in R may only be helpful from one side. You also may not understand the issues I’m going through since you haven’t ever been on my side. What I’m seeking is advice and support on how to give up something I don’t want to give up but know I need to and also to commit to the marriage as I don’t want it to be over in my M either. We have children and for me keeping the M is important for a number of reasons. I wish I felt about my H how I feel about MM.

 

It may have been you also that posted it would seem I’ve been cheating most of my marriage and that is correct. I never went looking for it but developed something with this one person which I stopped after been caught some time back. But somehow we have gone back to the A in full and managed to keep it underground.

 

The A I believe ask helps keep my marriage in tact. When I am not full of guilt or thinking about the fact that the A will never become anything more than what it is today, the A helps my marriage stay all good. I do feel like if the A was ended then it’s onlh at that time I can fully evaluate how I feel in the M.

 

My H also is not totally happy in the M but we both agree that we intend and want to try bechase we have made a family together, built up a lot and we have been together so long we don’t really know otherwise to be honest. One of the reasons I can’t leave too. I can’t imagine life without my H.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Sonnyp

[Poppy47]

Why on earth are you staying in your marriage if it takes an A to keep it together?????

 

It seems rather pointless to me.

 

Just get a divorce and then you won't need the A.

 

Poppy

[bigman1]

I see your position. I will say this, and I do not mean it as a criticism although it is a hard point. You sound like a drug addict who admits being an addict but denies that their drug problem has harmed them or their family. The lies we tell ourselves.

 

You are justifying your cheating, justifying your lying, willing to continue to live a lie and at the same time asking how to live authentically. You can't live authentically. You will just live a lie and you have decided that your husband should continue to live a lie. You have made that decision for him for the majority of your marriage, so you are fine with doing it. Just adapt to your MM being out of the picture for a bit.

 

The other poster who said that her spouse won't leave her, well, give him the choice. he probably won't. He will suck it up, blame himself, and probably put in more work trying to please you.

 

Still, the fact is you cannot live a true lie. You can only live the lie. BTW, your marriage may not be great because that is a byproduct of your cheating. Again, like the drug addict, they don't see the damage they cause to those around them. They blame it on other stuff, other people, other causes, etc. In fact, it is because of them.

 

I assume you "love" your husband in whatever way that you define love. Love as an action? Nope. You love yourself more. Still, the answer to your question is continue to live in-authentically. Continue to lie. Continue to make choices for him based on your best interest masquerading as his best interests. You have years of experience doing it. Those are cold hard realities. Still, it is the honest answer to your question.

[DKT3]

I don’t believe he would stay around. Which is why I do not believe I would ever tell him. It would be too hurtful and not of value on trying to build a good marriage, it would set us back too far to recover from.

 

<SNIP>

 

Have you given any thought to why your husband is unhappy? Could it be because you've never really been invested in him or the marriage?

 

A question, why do you get to decide what is best for your husband when you dont have his best interest at heart? When does he get a say in what kind of marriage and life he wants?

 

These are not loving actions, thus me and fellow posters dont believe you love your husband. Where you in love you would want what's best for him, you only want what's best for you. What if MM said leave him and be with me what would you do? if the answer is yes then there is no point being married, and we all know the answer is yes, based on your postings.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator