Am I being unreasonable?

[lucky-girl]

This is about house-work & cleanliness.

 

I admit it, I'm a terrible house-wife. Though my husband works full-time while I work part-time from home, he does most of the house-hold chores. At the start of our marriage (20 yrs ago) I did most but gradually, for various reasons he has taken over chores. Mostly I have good intentions to do it later but he gets in first, then the more often he does a chore, the less often I think to do it.

 

These are the things he does most of the time (I do occasionally):

• getting kids up and driving them to school (on his way to work)
  
• cooking dinner
  
• washing pots & pans
  
• washing clothes & ironing his shirts
  
• mowing lawn
  
• grocery shopping (on his way home from work)
  
• helping kids with homework
  

 

Things that are mostly my job:

• stacking & emptying dishwasher
  
• tidying & scrubbing kitchen benches
  
• cleaning bathrooms & toilets
  
• vacuuming
  

 

Clearly he is doing more than his fair share and I should do more, yet I still get so annoyed at how disgustingly messy he is.

Eg.

• leaves his dirty clothes on bedroom & bathroom floor for days
  
• after cooking he leaves food scraps all over the bench and splatters all over the wall and stove
  
• after washing up leaves grease and foam and food scraps in the sink to rot
  
• leaves droplets of pee all over toilet
  
• generally leaves mess everywhere
  

 

Yes, I should do more but I hate having to clean his mess. He says I have no right to complain because he does more than I do.

What do you think? If he cooks is it fair for him to leave the kitchen so messy? Should he be less of a pig?

Do I have a leg to stand on or should I just suck it up?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lucky-girl, I am sorry but this is going to be a male point of view. The thing is that you are the one who stays home and has more time than your husband. While there is no excusing his messy habits, some of the things are within your control, such as removing his clothes from where ever they are lying and bundling them in the dirty linen basket or loading the washing machine with them for him to wash. You could work on him to keep from spraying the toilet bowl with his waste fluids unless he is one of those who believes in marking his territory to scare off other males:) ! Cooking and washing dishes is something you both could alternate with. Then when you have done the cooking and washing up, you can show him how clean the place is in spite of having used the space recently. The message may sink in.

 

However, his messy habits may be integral to him just as your lazy ones are integral to you. If that is so then maybe it is best to let sleeping dogs lie! Have fun.

[lucky-girl]

Thanks Just-a-guy!

[BaileyB]

If he is cooking dinner, you should be doing the dishes IMHO. That’s the division of labour in my house...

 

Marriage is a partnership. In order to keep a happy and organized home, both partners need to agree on the division of labour and both partners need to work toward the greater good. Albeit, the drops on the toilet would make me very angry... I think you need to pick your battles and have that discussion.

 

As to the fact that your husband works full time and does all the cooking - again, IMHO, you need to be picking up the lack elsewhere if you work part time and you are home all day. If I was home and my husband worked, you better believe I would be doing all the cooking, shopping, and most of the cleaning. It’s the reasonable and kind thing to do.

Edited November 29, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

How many hours does your P/T, at home work actually occupy?

Sometime P/T, at home work is a lot more taxing than it sounds.

[zouz71]

Do you still love your husband really , or is he just a partner in this institution with duties on the table ?

[BaileyB]

If he is cooking dinner, you should be doing the dishes IMHO. That’s the division of labour in my house...

 

Marriage is a partnership. In order to keep a happy and organized home, both partners need to agree on the division of labour and both partners need to work toward the greater good. Albeit, the drops on the toilet would make me very angry... I think you need to pick your battles and have that discussion.

 

As to the fact that your husband works full time and does all the cooking - again, IMHO, you need to be picking up the lack elsewhere if you work part time and you are home all day. If I was home and my husband worked, you better believe I would be doing all the cooking, shopping, and most of the cleaning. It’s the reasonable and kind thing to do.

 

Sorry, after reading this back it sounds a little more “preachy” than it perhaps should...

 

If I may, I think it’s important to ask everyday - “Am I doing everything I can do to make this a happy home, to make this family successful.” You will have to decide if that is true in your home, but it seems to me that there might be a little more room to “give” than “take.”

 

My other question - are the children old enough to help with the chores - perhaps to earn a little extra money? They can be contributing to the duties at home by doing some light housework like unloading the dishwasher and vacuuming... thus giving you more time to take on other things.

 

Perhaps the whole family needs to rethink the division of labour... after all, you are all in it together! Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I should do more but I hate having to clean his mess.

 

His list:

 

• getting kids up and driving them to school (on his way to work)
  
• cooking dinner
  
• washing pots & pans
  
• washing clothes & ironing his shirts
  
• mowing lawn
  
• grocery shopping (on his way home from work)
  
• helping kids with homework
  

 

Isn't he cleaning up your mess? At least from me, I'm afraid you don't win "team player of the year" award...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

This seems like an easy fix. Talk to him - if he takes a bit more care around the house, you can take on more of the tasks that he normally does, so he actually has to do less all around. Also, if you cook dinner, then you can choose to cook something simple and that requires minimal cleaning (or even just, ahem, order in....), so take turns with him getting dinner on the table.

[Els]

As to the fact that your husband works full time and does all the cooking - again, IMHO, you need to be picking up the lack elsewhere if you work part time and you are home all day. If I was home and my husband worked, you better believe I would be doing all the cooking, shopping, and most of the cleaning. It’s the reasonable and kind thing to do.

 

 

Work from home is still "work", though, and requires just as much focus. If I spent my work-at-home time doing cooking, shopping, and cleaning, I wouldn't have a job anymore....

 

 

Part-time vs full-time is a legitimate argument, but I guess it depends on what 'part time' means - big difference between a 10 hr/wk PT and 35 hr/wk PT.

[lucky-girl]

If he is cooking dinner, you should be doing the dishes IMHO. That’s the division of labour in my house...

 

I agree that's fair, but who's job is it to pick up the food scraps and rubbish from the bench, put the food away (opened jars etc) and scrub the splatter off all the surfaces?

When I cook I clean as I go and put rubbish straight into the bin but it's as if he tries to make as much mess as possible and just expects me to clean up after him.

[BaileyB]

I agree that's fair, but who's job is it to pick up the food scraps and rubbish from the bench, put the food away (opened jars etc) and scrub the splatter off all the surfaces?

When I cook I clean as I go and put rubbish straight into the bin but it's as if he tries to make as much mess as possible and just expects me to clean up after him.

 

My boyfriend will do this sometimes, as well as dishes on the counter. Sometime, I tell him to put his dishes in the dishwasher or put the scraps in the garbage. Other time, I just do his dishes - and I don’t even live there full-time. The thing is, if he is out shoveling snow, or cleaning the bathrooms, I try to find a way to be helpful and make his life easier for him...

 

Just saying - this tendency to keep score, and deciding it’s your mess not my mess, is probably not going to bring a spirit of cooperation and happiness to your home.

[BaileyB]

Work from home is still "work", though, and requires just as much focus. If I spent my work-at-home time doing cooking, shopping, and cleaning, I wouldn't have a job anymore....

 

 

Part-time vs full-time is a legitimate argument, but I guess it depends on what 'part time' means - big difference between a 10 hr/wk PT and 35 hr/wk PT.

 

I don’t disagree. It’s the “part-time” work that makes me think there is time to do more around the house... because, her husband is currently working all day, picking up groceries on the way home, cooking the meal, and doing the homework with the children. There is nothing “part time” about that!

[BaileyB]

The thing is, if he is out shoveling snow, or cleaning the bathrooms, I try to find a way to be helpful and make his life easier for him...

 

I should have said, if he is cooking me dinner, I try to find a way to be helpful. Cleaning up food scraps, putting the jars away, wiping the counters, or doing a few dishes is actually the least I could do...

Edited November 29, 2018 by BaileyB

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lucky-Girl, I went back and read your other threads and I can only say yours is a very complex situation. From what I gather, you are in a one sided open marriage which has turned into something of a polyamorous situation. I say one sided open marriage because from all accounts your husband hasn't scored as of date.

 

Now with all that you have said about having fallen head over heels with your 'lover' and also the time that you obviously must devote to him I find it a little unfair that you should latch on to some of your husband's foibles and complain about them. In the the overall context I think you are being highly unreasonable with whatever complaints you have about your husband. You are living the life of a royal princess what with your husband having given you carte' blanche' about having sex with others, working part time from home and then having your husband doing the major portion of the household chores all the while, while you have the freedom to get your rocks off with your lover. Talk about having your cake and eating it too and then some. Your moniker suits you eminently. Have you discussed with your husband about how you have fallen head over heels with your FWB? Would he be agreeable to this arrangement? Was it part of the original agreement that you had with your husband? I think your husband leaving his mess around is the least of your problems. You have deeper issues here and if you are honest with yourself you would take a moment to sit back and think about these. Add to this fact that you have children in the mix and I really think you are playing with fire. Anyway, it is your life and I guess you have to live it whichever way you want. Wishing you the very best.

Edited November 30, 2018 by Just a Guy

[FMW]

I think your annoyance, given all the information if it's accurate, is more about your lack of respect for/boredom with your husband. Intolerance for even the little things is a big sign that the relationship is for all intents and purposes over.

[lucky-girl]

I think your annoyance, given all the information if it's accurate, is more about your lack of respect for/boredom with your husband. Intolerance for even the little things is a big sign that the relationship is for all intents and purposes over.

 

I agree in part but also disagree. I know when you are passionately in love with someone you tend to overlook annoying habits. But I don't think being annoyed by extreme mess necessarily means you don't love or respect them.

[lucky-girl]

Hi Lucky-Girl, I went back and read your other threads and I can only say yours is a very complex situation. From what I gather, you are in a one sided open marriage which has turned into something of a polyamorous situation. I say one sided open marriage because from all accounts your husband hasn't scored as of date.

 

Now with all that you have said about having fallen head over heels with your 'lover' and also the time that you obviously must devote to him I find it a little unfair that you should latch on to some of your husband's foibles and complain about them. In the the overall context I think you are being highly unreasonable with whatever complaints you have about your husband. You are living the life of a royal princess what with your husband having given you carte' blanche' about having sex with others, working part time from home and then having your husband doing the major portion of the household chores all the while, while you have the freedom to get your rocks off with your lover. Talk about having your cake and eating it too and then some. Your moniker suits you eminently. Have you discussed with your husband about how you have fallen head over heels with your FWB? Would he be agreeable to this arrangement? Was it part of the original agreement that you had with your husband? I think your husband leaving his mess around is the least of your problems. You have deeper issues here and if you are honest with yourself you would take a moment to sit back and think about these. Add to this fact that you have children in the mix and I really think you are playing with fire. Anyway, it is your life and I guess you have to live it whichever way you want. Wishing you the very best.

 

Yes, I am very lucky. I'm trying to not complain about his nasty habits but it just disgusts me so much.

 

I don't think the house-work situation and the open marriage are related. It's been open 2 years. He's been a pig all his life but instead of getting used to it, I'm getting more fed up.

 

I didn't mention before because it wasn't relevant but my husband has a FWB of his own, so he's very happy with the open marriage. We each go out with our FWB about once a week, plus he usually goes out a second time with other friends. It's not like I'm shirking housework because I'm always out getting laid.

 

Being in love with my FWB isn't relevant to my marriage, my kids, and certainly not the house-work. The mess is a bigger threat to the happiness of my marriage than my lover is.

 

I'd probably be happier if I could ban him from the kitchen and cook myself because I'd have so much less cleaning to do, but I'm usually working when dinner needs to be cooked.

[BaileyB]

Being in love with my FWB isn't relevant to my marriage, my kids, and certainly not the house-work.

 

This says so much. Although there is a certain selfishness and sense of entitlement to your decision making, I agree with FMW who always says it so beautifully - when you get to the point of intolerance and indifference (my lover isn’t relavent to my marriage or my family life), it is a sure sign that there is nothing left to the marriage...

[Wallysbears]

I am horrible with housework. My husband works incredibly long hours.

 

I just hired a housekeeper that comes when he isn't around. House is clean, I don't have to do things I hate to do. Problem solved.

[stillafool]

 

I'd probably be happier if I could ban him from the kitchen and cook myself because I'd have so much less cleaning to do, but I'm usually working when dinner needs to be cooked.

 

You can always put dinner on in the AM before work (crock pot meal) and it will be done by dinner time. Kitchen clean, problem solved.

[Els]

Yes, I am very lucky. I'm trying to not complain about his nasty habits but it just disgusts me so much.

 

I don't think the house-work situation and the open marriage are related. It's been open 2 years. He's been a pig all his life but instead of getting used to it, I'm getting more fed up.

 

I didn't mention before because it wasn't relevant but my husband has a FWB of his own, so he's very happy with the open marriage. We each go out with our FWB about once a week, plus he usually goes out a second time with other friends. It's not like I'm shirking housework because I'm always out getting laid.

 

Being in love with my FWB isn't relevant to my marriage, my kids, and certainly not the house-work. The mess is a bigger threat to the happiness of my marriage than my lover is.

 

I'd probably be happier if I could ban him from the kitchen and cook myself because I'd have so much less cleaning to do, but I'm usually working when dinner needs to be cooked.

 

 

How are things like with the finances? Frankly sometimes hiring a cleaner or ordering dinner in are the simplest solutions, if you can afford it. Surely it's worth spending $100-200 a month to save your marriage?

[alphamale]

Do I have a leg to stand on or should I just suck it up?

 

suck it up sister, he is working full time AND doing all that stuff you mentioned. I think many women would be happy with your situation.

[preraph]

Well, if he's the one messing things up, he SHOULD be doing more of the chores. And you need to tell him calmly sometime that you have a friend who has so much less housework for both her and her husband because they just make a point not to clutter things up and leave clothes, glasses, plates, magazines, etc. laying around, and then resolve any accidental things like spilling something or splashing on the toilet immediately.

 

I'm a lazy, lazy housekeeper. I have had maids come in for decades. I really haven't felt like cleaning the whole house since all I had was a one-bedroom apartment, which I did clean pretty regularly. I'd rather work an extra job than do most housework.

 

But what I've learned to do to live with myself and not NEED to clean as often is not mess things up. Now, admittedly I don't have kids, but I do have pets. Even kids can be made to confine their mess to their own room. My biggest cleaning problem is dog hair. My Hoover wouldn't even get it up. I got an iRobot and that did better but it doesn't deep clean carpet and you have to surface clean it very regularly to stay ahead of the hair. So I'd hire someone to come do it thoroughly every couple or three months and try to maintain in between.

 

Now I got a new sweeper, the Shark, and it's lightweight, so I can use it even with my bad knee and back and it does a great job and easy to empty and clean.

 

So think about your equipment, for one thing. Make things easier on yourself. But then see if you can talk him into stopping leaving things laying around. When he's done with a glass, he takes it to the kitchen next time he gets up. You know, that is really so much easier than letting it pile up and so much less aggravating. I mean, it's really childish to refuse to not just leave things where they got thrown, isn't it? Surely anyone can see that. And it makes housework so much harder. It's much easier to just not mess it up. That bench, maybe put a handheld vacuum by it or a small trashcan nearby to make short work of it.

 

You shouldn't be having to clean up someone else's pee, in my opinion. That's nasty and it's so inconsiderate of the person who leaves it that way. It just is.

[Els]

I do agree, leaving pee on the toilet seat is just nasty and inconsiderate. Even if I'm in a public toilet with paid janitors I would wipe my own pee off the seat, let alone expecting a partner to do it.

 

 

 

If it happens very rarely, perhaps he just was careless, but there's really no excuse for doing that on the regular.