Ladybug19 Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Back story: My parents divorced when I was 5 (I’m 29 now) and my father remarried when I was 12. When things are great my step family treats us like “family” and says “you are like our own”... but when things get tough, there are definite limitations. Nancy (step grandmother) is turning 70 this year, and she wanted to go to NYC for her 70th birthday. They invited, my parents, my 14 yr old brother, my aunt & her boyfriend, her nephew and his wife, and family friends. So they all booked tickets this spring. My stepmother and I have talked about going to see NYC for at the very least a decade. This is something we have been dreaming about. Unfortunately, my family (me, hubs & 1.5 yr old daughter) and my older sister didn’t make the invite list (Essentially, the step children). And actually, they all kept it a secret from us, until July, knowing that I would be really upset. Well, I am upset, hurt, and angry. I didn’t speak to my father (who i work for and speak all day long too) for almost 7 days. My stepmother and Step grandmother knew of the issue and have neglected to say one word to me about it. It’s been 4 months now and I’m still really upset. Why would you take a family trip and not include everyone? Are we family or not, because I’m having hard time seeing it. My dad claims that we are not invited because my daughter is to young to be in NYC and we will have our chance to go one day. Which is understandable but doesn’t make it hurt any less. So we’re family when convenient? I can find 162882 different things to do with a toddler in NYC, we wouldn’t have had to stick together. We could have done our own thing. I wouldnt have held them back. We have had Christmas morning with them (“family”) for the last 16 years, but I’m so angry about all of this, that I don’t want to this year. I want to spend the morning with people who want to be around me whether I’m an inconvenience or not. But this is where it gets turned around and I become the A-hole. I’m told I’m being ridiculous, acting spoiled, and making something out of nothing. So am I overreacting? Should I start doing Christmas morning with just my family? Is it ok for them to not include us? I’m exhausted pretending I’m ok. I had someone ask me this morning “if I was getting ready for my big trip” and I just wanted to tell them no, the step children weren’t invited. Would it be fair to say that? Am I being unfair or overly sour? There are multiple offenses in this conflict, and I just can’t seem to get a grip. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 I don't see anything wrong with you just planning Christmas with your own family. Maybe while they are there for Christmas you guys can plan your own trip to NYC. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Nancy (step grandmother) is turning 70 this year, and she wanted to go to NYC for her 70th birthday. They invited, my parents, my 14 yr old brother, my aunt & her boyfriend, her nephew and his wife, and family friends. So they all booked tickets this spring. I'm a little confused. Is everyone paying their own way and they're just coordinating the plan or is "Nancy" (or someone else) paying for the whole thing? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 I'm sorry. That would really hurt me too. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Who is paying for this trip for step-grandma's birthday? If cost is a factor that may be why they drew the line at bio children. It doesn't hurt less but it's an explanation. Talk privately & quietly to your dad. Explain that you are hurt. Ask what he recommends that you do about his in-laws. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladybug19 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 (edited) I'm a little confused. Is everyone paying their own way and they're just coordinating the plan or is "Nancy" (or someone else) paying for the whole thing? Mr. Lucky I’m sorry, I know my rant was long. Everyone pays their own way. Nancy usually pays for my aunt and her boyfriend, but everyone else pays their own way. They all just coordinated the trip together. Edited November 30, 2018 by Ladybug19 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 If it's a pay your own way thing, then yes it's even more hurtful that you were excluded from the coordination. Do speak to your dad, thought, since he's your bio connection to all of this. Blended families are weird. I love my step-MIL but neither DH & I nor DH's siblings & their SOs are invited to her family reunion at her house, nor to her kids' / grandkids' life events. We don't invite the extended step side of the family to our stuff either. We do see each other if we fly out to the IL's house. Her family will come over to see other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladybug19 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 Also, to clairify, they all left for NYC today and will be back Monday night. I’m sorry my story is long and confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 I don’t think you’re overreacting because that would be hurtful. However I don’t see where you’re pretending because it seems you’ve made your feelings known about this. The fact that no one has contacted you in order to smooth things over is equally hurtful. It’s possible that they didn’t want a child to be on the trip because that would’ve been somewhat of a hinderance. Still, they could’ve said that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Ladybug, to me this falls in the minor category. I’d also be disappointed and that’s exactly how I’d express my feelings, “we would have liked to go” rather than any discussion about exclusion. With a little one, sounds like your itinerary would have been fairly different anyway. Honestly, I hate traveling in large groups anyway. Takes forever to get everyone going, there’s rarely agreement in what you’ll do and there’s often a complainer. You three should go, lots to do in NYC for families with kids... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah_Smiles Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 No, you are not overreacting and I would also be hurt, especially since some knew your desire to go to NYC for years, and one of them was your dad's new wife? So that means your dad knew and I would be most upset at him if it was me. He should have made a point of including you and your sister. If no one was paying your way, I do not see why you couldn't have been given the invite and option to travel with your own family unit to meet the rest of the gang in NY and spend time all together as one big family. You could do Christmas with all the others excluded too? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 If this had not happened and next year you were planning your 30th birthday in NY, would you have taken your 71 year old step grand mother, step mother and most these other people? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 i'd say, regarding xmas, "sorry, our child is too young to have...blah blah blah". turn it back around on them. and sorry, altho it's painful, you don't own NY city and you've had years to make this dream of traveling with her come true. take your own trip with the people you want. and yes, i think it's a bio v.s. step family issue. so now you know and can act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I agree with Miss Clavel. I would just plan a trip to NYC with my bio fam and forget about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 You could do Christmas with all the others excluded too? i'd say, regarding xmas, "sorry, our child is too young to have...blah blah blah". turn it back around on them. Is this really what you want to make the holidays about? Ladybug19, I personally hate these kinds of games and you have a child that would enjoy Christmas with the extended family. Don't tie these two things together, be the the bigger person by expressing your feelings and moving on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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