Would You Be Friends with Your Lover if They Weren't Your Lover?

[Wave Rider]

So let's do a thought experiment. Say that I wanted to form a platonic friendship with a woman, just to see what that would actually look like (most of my friendships with women in the past have been "therapist" type friendships, where we would whine to each other about our problems. I don't consider that much of a friendship.) What would a deep, authentic, close platonic friendship between a man and a woman actually look like? It can't be the same as a male-male friendship or a female-female friendship.

 

Research has shown differences between male-male friendships and female-female relationships. Male-male friendships tend to be "side-by-side" and focus on shared activities, while female-female friendships are "face-to-face" and focus on shared emotions. So men share activities, women share emotions.

 

I do this with my male friends all the time. We play sports, lift weights, fly UAVs, etc. It's great male bonding time.

 

There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just come out with it and be very honest: I find most conversations with women to be flat-out boring. If all I'm looking for is interesting conversation and friendship, I would much rather talk to a man. I find that conversations with men are generally much more interesting than conversations with women. The truth is that if I didn't have some romantic or sexual motivation for talking to a woman, I would have little motivation to talk to her.

 

Now, I'm not saying that women are boring as people; I'm saying that I find conversations with women to be boring. I'm not exactly sure where the disconnect is. I talk with men about stuff we're both interested in, like sports, physics, etc. Since most women don't share my hobbies and interests, I have trouble finding common ground. But beyond that, there seems to be a more fundamental difference in communication style - men like to talk about facts and data, while women like to talk about feelings and intentions. Apparently.

 

So what does this mean? How would I form a male-female friendship? Do I need to speak the language of women by talking in terms of feelings and intentions, rather than talking about facts and data?

 

We live in the era of "narcissitic chemistry," where people are essentially looking to date someone who is an opposite-gender version of themselves. I believe that most women are looking to date someone who is essentially a woman in a man's body: someone who talks like a woman, thinks like a woman, and acts like a woman, but is tall and has big muscles and man body parts. Similarly, men want the same: to date someone who loves sports, video games, and technology, but who also happens to have boobs and ladybits.

 

So, I would appreciate suggestions on how to form a friendship with a woman if such a friendship cannot be formed the same way that I form friendships with other men.

Edited January 6, 2019 by Wave Rider

[dream of me]

Absolutely.. But let me start by saying that when I first met my boyfriend I was so wrong about him... He gave me the impression that he was a superficial player who was interested in acquiring wealth and status.

 

Fast forward some months later, we spend nights listening to metal music from our youth, we go to museums and analyze funny body language in renaissance paintings, we hike and run. And I love, love, love his delicate laconic sense of humour. But it's more than having fun; Even though we are polar opposites in many ways, I feel that our core is made from the same material. I can see it from the kind of things that make him happy; they are all small, simple things.

[central]

I became friends with some of the women with whom I've had a relationship. Not all, because of circumstances an incompatibility. I've been friends with one since high school, and others for 2 decades or more. I've also gone back and forth between being a lover and a friend - several times in some cases. It depends on what we have in common, mutual respect, etc., and being able to act (or NOT!) on sexual attraction, depending on circumstances. My male friends are in the more traditional male friendship mode.

[Joyce Simmons]

I couldn’t be just friends with someone I use to date. It would be weird

[basil67]

So let's do a thought experiment. Say that I wanted to form a platonic friendship with a woman, just to see what that would actually look like (most of my friendships with women in the past have been "therapist" type friendships, where we would whine to each other about our problems. I don't consider that much of a friendship.) What would a deep, authentic, close platonic friendship between a man and a woman actually look like? It can't be the same as a male-male friendship or a female-female friendship.

 

Your past friendships with women are representative of what it's like to have a woman as an intimate friend. For woman, a deep friendship is all about sharing - the good, the bad and the ugly. They aren't going to change their friendship style because you're a man.

[Wallysbears]

My husband and I don’t run in the same social circles. Or activities.

 

We are very different people.

 

I wouldn’t have been a “friend” or whatever with him.

[MetallicHue]

My wife and I are great friends but I don’t think I would have been friends with her first. We’re two very opposite people. We hit it off right away romantically. It’s still kind of like a chicken before the egg sort of thing because we still became great friends.

[darkmoon]

can somebody explain to me?

 

 

 

if you and your partner only have romance and sex in common ... what do you talk about at your evening meals?

[basil67]

can somebody explain to me?

 

if you and your partner only have romance and sex in common ... what do you talk about at your evening meals?

 

Wow, I missed that comment. Who has only romance and sex in common?

[Wave Rider]

Wow, I missed that comment. Who has only romance and sex in common?

 

A few people on this thread have said that romance and sex is the basis for their friendship or is the basis for their relationship, rather than common interests and common hobbies.

 

can somebody explain to me?

 

 

 

if you and your partner only have romance and sex in common ... what do you talk about at your evening meals?

 

This is exactly what I'm saying. If you have no common interests, the relationship quickly reaches the point where you have nothing to talk about other than your romantic feelings for each other.

Edited January 13, 2019 by Wave Rider

[MissBee]

I have liked all my lovers as people so yes I'd be friendly with them but honestly, especially with DH I would not be friends with him if he wasn't my BF/ DH. He's too darn sexy! It would be too difficult for me to sit there, be his friend, watch him with another woman & be denied that which I lusted after.

 

Lol, I thought about it and felt the same. My partner is now one of my closest friends and we talk about stuff and do other things besides sex and romance. It's hard for me to imagine being only friends, as I'm just very attracted to her in all ways and we've never been purely friends, so I can't fathom us being just friends if we weren't dating.

 

But all that to say is, we genuinely get along, have fun and can enjoy each other's company and speak frankly, which are also qualities I have in my friendships. But the attraction part is what makes me think yea we probably couldn't be platonic friends if we weren't dating and I can't imagine a world where we would have met and not been attracted to each other and only had a friendship...

[basil67]

A few people on this thread have said that romance and sex is the basis for their friendship or is the basis for their relationship, rather than common interests and common hobbies.

 

I read it as the relationship STARTS with romance and sex and then becomes a friendship in it's own right.

Edited January 14, 2019 by basil67

[neowulf]

Some of my best friends through the years have been women.

 

I've had great friendships with the vast majority of my ex's.

 

Really, friendship at it's hard consists of;

1) Mutual respect

2) Shared Interests

3) Trust, built through ongoing testing of the relationship.

 

So.. just add in "sexual desire" and you've basically got the makings of a lover?

[gaius]

I couldn't put up with being in close proximity to her and not be able to kiss her, rub her leg, stroke her hair and take her to bed. As much as we connect on an intellectual level as well friends was just never in the cards for us.

[Els]

Sure, H and I were friends before we were lovers. I would not be with a man whom I had nothing in common with besides sex/romance.

 

 

That being said, IMO different people have different perceptions of what "being friends" means. For instance, to some people, "friends" means that you view that person in a purely platonic manner. To me, that is not a necessity when it comes to having friends when you are single - what "being friends" means to me is that you share some interests, have great conversations, get each others' humor, etc.