Boyfriend's Instagram habits causing me doubts?

[Glam]

My boyfriend and I, have been together nearly 2 years. I think we have a good relationship. He says he loves me a lot, he's happy with me etc. Whenever I ask if he ever wants to break up. He just says he never wants us to break up cause he loves me.

 

My issue is he constantly follows random girls on Instagram and once he follows them he will go through their profile to like some of their pictures. Nearly every week he has a new batch of girls he's following. He follows other pages too but it seems to be mainly girls. Most of them he doesn't know. They could be from the area or friends of friends. He's been doing it since a year ago at least, maybe since before he met me too.

 

I asked him a year ago about it and he said he looks but doesn't touch and I can do that same if I want. That's what he said. He also said his ex girlfriend had an issue too, she would ring him while he was at work asking why is following or likin this girls picture. So it seems I'm not the only one who was insecure by it. It's strange because he's only had 2 proper girlfriends (his ex that he was with for 6 years and now me) and yet he has the same pattern on social media with both of us.

 

Even yesterday he followed a cute girl from our city (she's a friend of a friend) and he must have went to her profile on 2 separate occasions to like 2 old pictures of hers. So he fancies her she didn't follow him back. The majority of the girls don't follow him back at all.

 

How do I get over this and not let things bother me? It makes me feel he doesn't want me at all, he's just on the hunt for someone while with me and that hurts so much cause I really do love him and I believed he loves me. A lot of these girls are better looking than me. Maybe that's why, I'm not attractive enough for him so he feels the need to shop around? Advice would be welcome, I feel awful thinking about it

[d0nnivain]

Before social media men read magazines & looked at pictures of pretty women. His IG habit isn't all that different. You are ascribing too much value to meaningless social media.

 

Stop asking him if he wants to break up. Every time you ask that you tear at the fabric of your relationship weakening it. Eventually it will unravel of you don't stop. If somebody wants to break up with you, they know how. Your permission is not required. If you want something about your relationship to change, communicate that to him. If you find this IG behavior which I see as trivial insurmountable, tell your BF you will break up with him if it continues. Otherwise enjoy the good stuff about being together.

[Glam]

Before social media men read magazines & looked at pictures of pretty women. His IG habit isn't all that different. You are ascribing too much value to meaningless social media.

 

Stop asking him if he wants to break up. Every time you ask that you tear at the fabric of your relationship weakening it. Eventually it will unravel of you don't stop. If somebody wants to break up with you, they know how. Your permission is not required. If you want something about your relationship to change, communicate that to him. If you find this IG behavior which I see as trivial insurmountable, tell your BF you will break up with him if it continues. Otherwise enjoy the good stuff about being together.

 

 

 

Why is it so bad to ask if he ever wants to break up? Honestly I just need assurance sometimes that he does love me and want to be with me cause he's not expressive with his emotions. He even admits that himself. Like he'd never randomly text me that he misses me or loves me so I can't help that I need "something" from him.

 

 

And the Instagram thing really bothers me. Every time I see him following another girl I get extremely jealous and insecure and just upset. It makes me think he'd rather them and is going to leave me for one of them. I never say this to him but I feel it every time he does it.

[PRW]

Whenever I ask if he ever wants to break up. He just says he never wants us to break up cause he loves me.

OMG

 

You don't ask someone that when you are dating!! That is just "screaming" that you see yourself as unworthy of him dating you and that you are expecting him to toss you to the curb at any moment. Eventually, you convince the other person of that and they just finally "agree with you" and do just that.

 

If you want to keep the guy then you have to start coming to the table as someone worthy of dating, that you know you are a catch, and if someone doesn't want you then it is their loss.

 

His Instagram nonsense is just a wake up call to you to get you act together. If you come across as someone more valuable than the instagram pics then you will be his focus instead of a stupid phone app.

[Glam]

OMG

 

You don't ask someone that when you are dating!! That is just "screaming" that you see yourself as unworthy of him dating you and that you are expecting him to toss you to the curb at any moment. Eventually, you convince the other person of that and they just finally "agree with you" and do just that.

 

If you want to keep the guy then you have to start coming to the table as someone worthy of dating, that you know you are a catch, and if someone doesn't want you then it is their loss.

 

His Instagram nonsense is just a wake up call to you to get you act together. If you come across as someone more valuable than the instagram pics then you will be his focus instead of a stupid phone app.

 

 

That's because I do expect him to toss me to the curb at any moment. He's searching for girls on Instagram!! To be fair I've only asked him that twice because I was feeling insecure. And he's been doing the Instagram thing for a long time not just recently. He doesn't make me feel valuable or important to him cause I rarely get romance from him. I would love if he randomly texts me that he loves me etc but he never does. He just says he doesn't express his emotions. So I have to guess how much he loves me or how important I am to him? Maybe I'm not important at all if he doesn't say it.

[PRW]

That's because I do expect him to toss me to the curb at any moment. He's searching for girls on Instagram!! To be fair I've only asked him that twice because I was feeling insecure. And he's been doing the Instagram thing for a long time not just recently. He doesn't make me feel valuable or important to him cause I rarely get romance from him. I would love if he randomly texts me that he loves me etc but he never does. He just says he doesn't express his emotions. So I have to guess how much he loves me or how important I am to him? Maybe I'm not important at all if he doesn't say it.

 

It doesn't matter. You have to get a handle on these insecurities and feelings of unworthiness. It doesn't matter if it is with this guy or the next one or the one after that. If you don't, this situation will just keep repeating over and over. If you were confident you probably wouldn't be tolerating this guy in the first place (maybe not even be dating him in the first place) and would already be with someone who treats you better.

[Garcon1986]

So my ex and I at one point got into a discussion about letting her text another guy who is in Canada. I told her, that if you feel the need to text the other guy, you should go ahead and do it, because I have faith that you are not going to pack up and sneak out to Canada to have a fling with him while you are dating me. This was one of those emotional tests, but she was wide eyed that I would say something like that in response. It brought our relationship together stronger than it was before. My Ex accused me of texting other girls every time I went to the restroom in a restaurant - and this type of stuff decreased drastically afterwards.

 

My point in telling this story is that insecurity itself will drive even a reasonable man to break up with you. He'll be telling other friends about how worried my GF is about every little thing I do on Instagram. If he's sneaking behind your back to see other girls, you will know sooner rather than later - it's called your man being unavailable. If it's just Instagram following, it's really no big deal. Show him you are a secure person and you will reap the benefits. It's not a crime to have insecurities, but it is really really annoying to a man to have to defend every little action he takes on social media, and will eventually break his patience.

[Mr. Lucky]

Every time I see him following another girl I get extremely jealous and insecure and just upset. It makes me think he'd rather them and is going to leave me for one of them. I never say this to him but I feel it every time he does it.

 

He's going to leave you for a girl he doesn't even know and who doesn't care to follow him? Why then aren't you threatened by every pretty girl he passes on the street? He has just as much connection to them as he does to some virtual stranger online.

 

Glam, sometimes we have to confront our fears and insecurities and ask ourselves if they make sense. In your case, that would be a "no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Malin889]

That's because I do expect him to toss me to the curb at any moment. He's searching for girls on Instagram!! To be fair I've only asked him that twice because I was feeling insecure. And he's been doing the Instagram thing for a long time not just recently. He doesn't make me feel valuable or important to him cause I rarely get romance from him. I would love if he randomly texts me that he loves me etc but he never does. He just says he doesn't express his emotions. So I have to guess how much he loves me or how important I am to him? Maybe I'm not important at all if he doesn't say it.

 

Is he “searching” for girls on Instagram or just looking and liking their pictures? He’s not asking them to meet up, is he? If he was doing that, then that makes sense why you could be worried but it sounds like he’s just looking and not trying to date.

 

Asking if he wants to break up is basically putting ideas into his head. The more you mention it, the more he’ll think about it, and then do it. He probably thinks you want to break up if you keep asking. Soon you’ll convince him what you thought all along, that you’re not worthy.

[Glam]

Is he “searching” for girls on Instagram or just looking and liking their pictures? He’s not asking them to meet up, is he? If he was doing that, then that makes sense why you could be worried but it sounds like he’s just looking and not trying to date.

 

Asking if he wants to break up is basically putting ideas into his head. The more you mention it, the more he’ll think about it, and then do it. He probably thinks you want to break up if you keep asking. Soon you’ll convince him what you thought all along, that you’re not worthy.

 

Well he's following random local girls. And liking their pictures quite a lot. I don't know if he's asking to meet them or if he texts them, as I don't go through his phone. So all I can see is him going through their profiles liking their selfies. It makes me feel insecure with the frequency and amount of girls he follows and likes. There's new girls on there every week. I understand he's looking but it makes me feel he's not satisfied with what he has that he spends so much time doing this.

[Glam]

Is he “searching” for girls on Instagram or just looking and liking their pictures? He’s not asking them to meet up, is he? If he was doing that, then that makes sense why you could be worried but it sounds like he’s just looking and not trying to date.

 

Asking if he wants to break up is basically putting ideas into his head. The more you mention it, the more he’ll think about it, and then do it. He probably thinks you want to break up if you keep asking. Soon you’ll convince him what you thought all along, that you’re not worthy.

 

He's going to leave you for a girl he doesn't even know and who doesn't care to follow him? Why then aren't you threatened by every pretty girl he passes on the street? He has just as much connection to them as he does to some virtual stranger online.

 

 

Glam, sometimes we have to confront our fears and insecurities and ask ourselves if they make sense. In your case, that would be a "no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Well this is why I asked on here to see if I'm being rational or not. Maybe he fancies girls he passes on the street too but it's the fact he seeks these girls out and likes their selfies and I can see which girls he fancies makes me feel insecure. He has the option of texting them too and interacting with them as opposed to passing them in the street. Plus these girls can see him liking their pictures now know that he is attracted to them. That's not the same for me as glancing at a girl on the street. He's sort of interacting with them and sending a message. So what if they did follow him back, that is giving him the option of leaving me for them.

[losangelena]

I’m flabbergasted that everyone is telling OP that this is all her problem and that her bf is not in the wrong at all here. She’s now the second gf this man has had who hasn’t been cool with it.

 

I find it disrespectful what he’s doing. Yes, men have been looking at images of attractive women for millennia. However, I think it’s one thing to look at playboy or follow some random sexy IG models, but it feels like another thing entirely for him to be seeking out attractive local women, or women who are friends of friends, following them and also liking their pics. To me, that crosses a line, because there exists a potential for contact that would never happen with a playboy model.

 

OP, I would not like this either if I were you. I don’t think you’re overreacting. However, I think you should be approaching it from an angle of, “I'm going to break up with you if you keep doing this,” rather than asking, “are you going to break up with me?” I agree that continuing to ask him that is not helping your situation. Have you expressed how disrespected and devalued you feel? Have you said to him, “I feel like s*** when you do this?” Maybe if he understands the negative impact his actions are having, he’ll modify his behavior. Before you do that, though, you need to figure out where your boundary around this is and stick to it. If he refuses to change, you need to be ready to walk away. Maybe he is just young or dense, or maybe he really doesn’t respect you. You need to figure out which is which.

[d0nnivain]

losangelena

 

It is Glam's problem because she isn't communicating with her BF; she's just freaking out. In a relationship if you don't like somebody's behavior you tell them what your concerns are. You ask them to stop. If you don't speak up, how is the other person even supposed to know you are upset? If you ask a SO to stop a behavior you don't like & the SO continues you have to figure out if the behavior is a deal breaker for you. If Glam asks her BF to stop with the IG stuff & he doesn't but she continues to feel disrespected, she needs to have enough self respect to break up with him.

 

I have dumped guys early on for habitual tardiness without calling because it made me crazy. tell me you're stuck in traffic & I will simmer down but to leave me hanging is problematic. Extreme, maybe by some people standards, but the absence of those guys from my life improved my state of mind so to me it was the right decision.

 

Personally I think looking & even liking are harmless. If Glam doesn't then she can break up with him.

 

Glam as for why you don't ask somebody if they want to break up it's because it telegraphs your insecurity & makes you look desperate & needy. You can ask if the person cares about you, which is essentially the same Q with a more positive spin. The way you phrase it, Do you want to break up with me? actually plants the seed that you are thinking about breaking up with him. If you are asking because you are trying to shore up the relationship & make your connection stronger because you need the reassurance you are causing the exact opposite affect.

[Lotus_Luna]

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my partner liking random girls photos. I would REALLY be hurt if he excused his behavior.

 

The key issue is he’s ignoring your feelings to justify what essentially feels like a betrayal.

 

You need to communicate the underlying message there. So he can understand what is really happening.

 

It’s eating at your self worth and your security in the relationship.

 

He needs to decide if liking these pictures is MORE IMPORTANT then hurting you.

 

On another note, while his behavior does impact you, start building your worth. I have a feeling you struggle feeling secure in your relationships. Which I empathize with.

 

 

 

 

When a guy I liked was doing what your BF is doing my first thought was ‘Am I not good enough?’ It just hurt....

[lucky-girl]

It's only your insecurity that makes his looking an issue.

I can totally empathize about feeling insecure because he doesn't say the loving, reassuring things you want to hear. It's easy to blame our partner for our insecurity but this is also something we have to work on ourselves. Every time you think he is looking for someone to replace you, you are reinforcing your low self-esteem.

Even if you could stop him looking at girls altogether, if you don't improve your self esteem and insecurity, you'll have the same concerns down the track over some other issue (with same or different guy).

 

It is extremely normal for guys to want to look at women as eye candy and you have to understand that it doesn't reflect on how he feels about you.

If he was really looking to meet someone new I doubt it would be through instagram when there are so many dating apps which would be much more efficient. If he's on Tinder or similar, then you can start worrying.