sacaanro Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 (edited) After 22 years of ups and downs marriage like any other marriage, two beautiful daughters and more ups than down but here we go... I need some help over here. I’m not trying to fool myself neither trying to lie to myself. I passed some middle age crisis( a hard o e) in which a few years back, I confront the worst that could happen to a husband, infidelity. My wife connect with this guy in between of a hard period that we were passing by and it was a one night stand but it happened. She plead and asked me with love that I didn’t abandon her and she will amend what happen. I said to my self it’s gonna be hard but I love her, so I decide to work the situation. This was on 2013. From this time we had some good times and bad times. Later on and maybe since 2016 we have confront some issues because I was diverted and catch myself in the same situation. I was all my life a passive guy, tender and have my heart on my family. The one that preferred to stay at home rather than go to bars, party’s and that kind of stuffs. I began to be defensive in argument with my wife. Sometimes we exceed the limit. On October 24th out of nowhere and saying to me that she love me and we were gonna pass this situation, she became angry and we got in to a heavy argument. She said that she will call her mother and she went and get clothes, and work stuff. Everything else she left behind. My older daughter stay with me because she doesn’t approve the way the mother react. We are in no contact since then. There is 38 days and she said in this time to my older that she loved me but she want to discover herself and to heal the pain and then she will call me. I saw my youngest every now and the. But she is the rebel one. To be honest I’m totally confused and in pain, trying to move on. What should I do? Sacaanro Edited November 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to Infidelity Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 What should I do? If I were you I would call up your wife and tell her that this is NOT how married people solve their problems. Tell her that you want to work on the marriage but you can't do it alone. Tell her that if she also wants to work on the marriage then she needs to get back home TODAY. And that if she does not come home then it is a sure sign that she is done with the marriage, and then you will be filing for divorce tomorrow. There is a very high chance that there is another guy in the picture. Maybe if you try the "I'm not taking any crap" stance then you might shock her out of the affair. But if you continue to let her have her cake and eat it then she will not respect you and your marriage will be over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacaanro Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 First of all, thanks for your comment, Right now I’m very confused because I know my wife very well and maybe she was exhausted of my defensive reactions all the time, my bad behavior etc. To be honest I don’t know but she didn’t block me from any social media, neither phone, text or WhatsApp. She leave all of our pics on every social media. She does not answer any of my calls, or text. I was trying to contact her until the second week after she left. Then I leave her alone, respecting her choice or space. What do I know is that last week, she went to a wedding with my daughters and she asked my older that how I was it. My daughter ask her “mom do you love dad”, she reply yes but I’m not prepare already to talk to him. I understand as a man that this situation put ourself in separation ansiety but I’m trying to cope and understand her situation. I’m not waiting until she decide one or the other I’m just trying to be an honest human being, honest and willing to amend what was wrong in our marriage. Probably she is not ready! Don’t know. Thanks you very much for your answer and your time... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Can you clarify? Later on and maybe since 2016 we have confront some issues because I was diverted and catch myself in the same situation. Ok does that mean you also cheated? I began to be defensive in argument with my wife. Sometimes we exceed the limit. Does that mean physical violence? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacaanro Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 Can you clarify? Ok does that mean you also cheated? Does that mean physical violence? Thank you elaine567, Never in the life was physical violence, yet it was strong arguments, and yelling from side to side. Yes elaine567, I cheated on my wife over the phone with a girl that I met at my work. Never physical. I accepted o er the phone or physical create a damage in which trust is at risk. I accept that was the only time I did that and not an excuse but by that time I was asking to her a little more attention since I got two jobs and the little time that I had demands me to be near my wife. I needed her by that time with her support and love care. She was distracted with our daughter all the time. Never were physical abuse and never physical cheating. I love her, but I accept I’m human. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 There is a very high chance that there is another guy in the picture. sacaanro, this is true more often than not, there's another fox in the henhouse. And she's keeping you in the dark and at arm's length while she works through things with this new man. Right now, you're the safety net, the fallback position if things don't work out with him. I agree with Peg, I'd file for divorce just to take away her options. Otherwise, nothing to stop her from keeping one foot in each bed... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Well, your wife did the first and worst cheating. You mostly had an emotional interest in someone. So I can't believe she's that upset, given the circumstances, so I am thinking she just wants out of the relationship and this was a way she could maybe blame it on you. I mean, by now, she's probably been seeing men while separated. Only you can decide what to do. If you want to keep her, maybe marriage counseling. If you're not sure, maybe date a little and see what you think about being single again. Sorry this is going on with you. I imagine the kids are very confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sacaanro Posted December 1, 2018 Author Share Posted December 1, 2018 To be honest I don’t know. Maybe! Yes indeed, my daughter is very confused. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 You should have divorced her when she cheated Bet she is cheating again. But the excuse is that the two of you are separated. So it’s not really cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 op, your wife's behavior is not your fault. Please make sure you keep that in your mind at all times. I agree that your wife may well be cheating. It sounds to me like she is testing the waters with him, and if it doesn't work out, you'll see her back on your doorstep, telling you how sorry she is and how much she loves you:rolleyes: I would like to make a suggetsion. I would tell her that you are not going to put up with this crap any longer. She needs to decide what she wants, and she needs to do it now. If she asks for more time or says she is still confused, I would box up all of her belongings that you can. Be careful not to break any, and have the boxes/containers all neatly labeled. Put them out on your front porch and let you wife know she can come and pick them up any time she wishes. She is not welcome to come in, nor to talk to you. I would also let her know that you are no longer interested in speaking with her, and what you choose to do in your spare time is no longer her business. Be polite, but not friendly. ( look up "the 180" online for more tips). This way, she will see you mean business. It will also help you to begin "uncoupling" from her and gain some clarity. If she says she wants to remain married, then let her know what you need from her for that to work. I would suggest counseling first off. I would also suggest that she apologize to your two adult daughters. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 sacaanro, this is true more often than not, there's another fox in the henhouse. And she's keeping you in the dark and at arm's length while she works through things with this new man. Right now, you're the safety net, the fallback position if things don't work out with him. I agree with Peg, I'd file for divorce just to take away her options. Otherwise, nothing to stop her from keeping one foot in each bed... Mr. Lucky I agree. Go online and check your phone bill. Link to post Share on other sites
YoungCandy Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 DON'T OVER REACT, if you want to mend the marriage and have her back. I think this is what you want because you are here asking the question. You don't have the information everything mentioned above is just speculation. Yes, there might be a fox in the hen house but it doesn't mean she wants to leave, at least not yet. Over reacting could well push her straight to the other direction. You need ot set a limit on this. Tell her you need to talk and get some answers. You will apologize about your affair and listen to what she has to say. You can divorce anytime you want. But are you there yet? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Your marriage is sick. People in healthy relationships turn towards each other in times of trouble. You’ve both turned away to get what you need from strangers rather than each other. You should consider marriage counseling if you and she want to move forward and learn new ways to strengthen rather than harm your relationship any further. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 After 22 years of ups and downs marriage like any other marriage, two beautiful daughters and more ups than down but here we go... I need some help over here. I’m not trying to fool myself neither trying to lie to myself. I passed some middle age crisis( a hard o e) in which a few years back, I confront the worst that could happen to a husband, infidelity. My wife connect with this guy in between of a hard period that we were passing by and it was a one night stand but it happened. She plead and asked me with love that I didn’t abandon her and she will amend what happen. I said to my self it’s gonna be hard but I love her, so I decide to work the situation. This was on 2013. From this time we had some good times and bad times. Later on and maybe since 2016 we have confront some issues because I was diverted and catch myself in the same situation. I was all my life a passive guy, tender and have my heart on my family. The one that preferred to stay at home rather than go to bars, party’s and that kind of stuffs. I began to be defensive in argument with my wife. Sometimes we exceed the limit. On October 24th out of nowhere and saying to me that she love me and we were gonna pass this situation, she became angry and we got in to a heavy argument. She said that she will call her mother and she went and get clothes, and work stuff. Everything else she left behind. My older daughter stay with me because she doesn’t approve the way the mother react. We are in no contact since then. There is 38 days and she said in this time to my older that she loved me but she want to discover herself and to heal the pain and then she will call me. I saw my youngest every now and the. But she is the rebel one. To be honest I’m totally confused and in pain, trying to move on. What should I do? Sacaanro Get a DNA test on your daughter, she just might not be yours, if she isn't , you can thank me later. Your wife never loved you, was never attracted to you from day one; before she was desperate to get married you where the type of guy she would never date, the type she found boring and never noticed. But as she got older she had to start a family, and she had to aka 'learn' to love a guy like you, the passive,tender, loyal (like you said) aka 'beta'. The type she cheated with is her 'alpha' type. the type she dated before she married you, the type she really finds attractive, but sadly that is the type she never could get to commit into a marriage so she had to improvise and marry you. I am not asking, nor am I suggesting, I am informing you : 'Your wife is cheating on you' she explicitly told you she was : '...she said in this time to my older that she loved me but she want to discover herself and to heal the pain and then she will call me. The medium is the message, ignore the drama, it's all an excuse to get some 'alpha diick', wait for it... Now get a divorce, but you probably won't; and she knows it, which is partly the reason why she doesn't find you attractive... Link to post Share on other sites
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