Wife moved out, don’t know

[Confused_Alone]

I have been a bit of a wreck the last two and a half weeks and I have been reading a lot of these posts so I figured I would give it a try. A couple of months ago I noticed a change in my marriage, my wife started seeming more distant and the like. Now our marriage hasn’t been perfect, and I feel mostly to blame. I think I have been suffering from depression and anxiety the last few years but only recently acquired the proper tools to deal with my issues. So we fought about dumb things, stuff I couldn’t let go.

 

So about a month ago, I confronted her about the distance between us, and after some prodding she admitted she is not happy and hasn’t been happy for a while. I was upset, and I asked her if she wanted to end this and she said she didn’t know. I also asked if she was seeing someone else, which she told me no. Now I have been a wreck ever since that discussion because my issues were making the woman I loved unhappy and I really wanted to make a change. I put in more effort at home , started seeing a psychologist, asked her if she wanted to go to movies, shows, romantic relaxing getaways. She seemed to be receptive but things still felt off. I would ask her things like are you still attracted to me, which she said yes, I asked her if she was done with me, she said no. I keep trying to talk to her about what I was thinking and how I wanted to be a better partner, and she seemed receptive to these as well. We still went on dates during this time, concert, plays, movies, dinner, and also continued to watch shows and movies at home.

 

One Sunday while we were cleaning I told her I still feel like I broke or marriage and I desperately wanted to make it up to her. She said everything was fine. I asked her about the conversation we had where she said she was unhappy, and she said that we both said things in the heat of the moment. Then I asked her if everything was fine, why did I have this feeling that something was terribly wrong? She said that was my issue and I would need to get past that. The next day I kissed her goodbye and went off to work, she said she worked in the evening. I messaged here a few times throughout the day, she didn’t really respond. Close to the end of the day I looked on line and her office was closed that day. I raced home while trying to reach her, only to find all of her clothes and furniture moved out of the house. She left her ring and a note saying she is sorry but she is done. She commented about how volatile I was, made some references to one of my lesser moments in a public crisis, and told me she didn’t love me like she should love a husband. She just said we should keep things civil, told me not to contact her except through email, but never mentioned the D word.

 

Fast forward to today, and I am at a total loss for everything. She was the center of my universe, and I admit my bout with depression and anxiety had kept me from fully showing her all the time, but I have only recently really come to terms with it, and I know I can improve, I just needed time. I have been reading online a lot, and found out that the way in which she left is kind of the way recommended way to leave abusive or emotionally unstable spouses to keep you safe, and my heart sank. I would never hurt her ever, and I didn’t think I was abusive, I just have some issues that were getting in the way of the real way I wanted to be with her. I get conflicting advice on whether to email her or not, and the truth is I am scared. I do not have any idea who is on the other end of those emails. Is it the woman I love, is it the hardened scared woman who disappeared, is it her and another man, her and her co workers, her and her lawyer? I want so desperately to talk to my best friend, tell her that I am sorry for not handling my problems earlier, tell her I am sorry for not showing her every single day how much I love and appreciate her. She said she never thought I was a failure, but how can that be true when I have failed her, and failed at the greatest thing in my life?

 

I am sorry for the wall of text, I just have a lot on my mind and I am desperate for a path forward.

Edited November 30, 2018 by Confused_Alone
Typos

[Simple Logic]

You want to know what you can do now. The reality is maybe nothing. She knows you do not want the split and an email restating that fact, asking what you can do or promising changes will be ineffective. A divorce is most likely, but give her some space and see if she opts to reach out to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

tell her that I am sorry for not handling my problems earlier, tell her I am sorry for not showing her every single day how much I love and appreciate her.

 

I don't see anything to lose with this apologetic email as long as you stop short of any portrayed neediness, questions or demands. Tell her you're sorry you weren't a better husband and leave it at that.

 

It's a complete Hail Mary but not much downside.

 

Confused_Alone, a real chance here to understand some things about yourself and be a better person going forward, married or not...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Confused, from all that you have written it is obvious that your wife has called time on your relationship. She is likely done and over with it after having given you enough time to turn over a new leaf. The ship has sailed, the train has left the station and now you are left alone with yourself. As Mr. Lucky has said it is probably time for you to sit back and evaluate yourself for your own faults and weaknesses and assess the things that you can do to change them or improve on them. The chance that your wife will have a change of heart and come back to you are very slim. She has probably taken this decision after giving it a lot of thought. You have not mentioned how long you have been married but if it was for a period of over ten years then it is almost certain that she is done and over with your relationship. If it is under ten years, there may be a chance she may be open to a second go around with you if you show that you have turned over that new leaf I was talking about.

 

Whatever the case may be, you must not come across as broken and needy as that is a sure shot turn off for any woman. Exude strength and confidence and a manly spirit which she can respect and admire from afar. If you are depressed then get help for yourself rather than wallowing in self pity. Be proactive rather than reactive and this attitude will get you much better and positive results. Wish you the best going forward.