Talking things through

[khalessi]

Just a question for all--- why do people go the route of not talking things through after a breakup? Why is so often the route no contact or ghosting after breakup? My friend and I talked and he says other than healing what's the point of no contact? Isnt it more human and mature to talk unless you really really dont want to talk or unless the relationship was volatile? If the relationship wasnt bad and ended amicably whats the point of ghosting or no contact? Ive used no contact in the past for an ex who was mentally manipulative and it def for sure worked and helped me heal... but for other situations isnt it a little vindictive to completely close the door even if you are hurt? I know we're all bound by emotions and bound to feel jealousy, hurt, angst. But my question is, for dumpers, why not talk to people youve dumped? Not everyone clings to false hope and why is that the automatic assumption and stigma? It stifles emotional growth imo.

 

For the dumpee, the end of the day the ex doesnt care either way because they dumped you, so why should things like appearing dignified and strong matter? As long as youre not rude or pestering them then everything should be A-OK. What are you trying to prove and to whom? If its just for healing purposes and to get your mind off things and move on that;s of couuurse differnt.

 

Im not advocating against no contact but just wondering if its really applicable to most situations. If two adults had a great time together, but it ended and there is sadness, why cant you jsust feel that sadness, still move on, and still talk if you want to talk without people assuming you want them back or getting annoyed? Why does every action have to be focused on or led by the pain or fear of awkwardness instead of the fact that despite how its over, you're two people who connected? Doesnt it feel kind of false and inauthentic?

 

Of course... if someone shows or states they dont want to be contacted, dont contact them and respect that, but NC for everything feels weird. And i know your dates arent your friends, but why cant they still be people in your life when you have plenty of people you dont talk to everyday in it too?

Edited November 30, 2018 by khalessi

[Nilfiry]

Seeking a logical answer to an emotional course of action? My friend, you are just chasing phantoms. If most people were able to reconcile logic and emotion, then there would hardly be any relationship issues. You ask why? Perhaps pride? Maybe envy or jealousy? Hate? Instinct? It varies by situation, but one thing is for certain is that there is usually less logic to why than those involved would be willing to admit to (or aware of). Although, in this case, my best bet is the instinct of self-preservation.

 

There are contexts where no contact is a very sound choice, however, such as if the person is extremely toxic or destructive, but otherwise, it usually stems from an emotional decision to avoid the cause of pain and suffering.

[khalessi]

No I agree that logic doesnt come into play when emotions are involved...that would be too easy and we are only humans...

 

im talking less about the process of healing which is valid and important and more about how that relationship pain and suffering comes from how we are culturally and socialy trained to think tht strength is in masking our feelings and at all costs appearing unaffected...

 

i guess my point is that a lot of these rules and structures to follow about relationships are contrived... not completely natural.. for enstance, would the "no contact" rule for non-toxic breakups still exist and be the same if there wasnt stigma attached to seeming desperate/needy or stigmaa attached to seeming like u arent over the dumper? would "double texting" have stigma if we didnt give it any? cause at the end of the day, its just a text message... who cares if u send two in a row? why should there be an assumpton about your intent or behavior based on that? why should double texting give people a bad impression?

 

it just feels like we contribute and encourage unhealthy relationship stigma by telling ppl "oh youll seem needy and desperate if u contact him after the breakup, he wants to be lefft alone" or "or absolutely do not talk to him, stand proud and be strong and have dignity!" and my question is why is THAT the measure of dignity and strength. both sides will be thinking "oh no! this person is needy/clingy!" bc of the stigma we give it and not necessarily the fact that maybe they just miss u and want to talk with no ulterior motives. also for enstance, the idea that you dont owe someone who broke up with u anything and vice versa. the reality is that no one owes anyone anything... but if the relationship was a good one who cares?

[basil67]

Let's turn this around. What purpose does staying in contact with an ex serve?

[Simple Logic]

I have decided I no longer want a romantic relationship with you and I don’t want to be friends. What exactly do you want to talk through?

[Happy Lemming]

Why would I want to focus any time or energy on a individual that just dumped me??

 

I've got to find her replacement, so I'm going to use my free time and available resources to complete that task, not re-hashing old crap with an ex. I don't care what she has to say. Unless she wants to be FWB's after the breakup, I don't want to hear from her and I'm moving on.

 

As a side note, an ex is (usually) not going to say anything nice to you. It will probably be criticisms, put-downs and what you "supposedly" did wrong. Why would you want to hear that??

 

Just my two cents...