iloveshoes123 Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Thank you to anyone reading this and to anyone who replies. I am going to try and make this as short as possible, as there is kind of a back story. I met my husband when I was 19. He is a few years older then me. When I met he was unemployed, (I have always had a long-term stable job.) 5 years later we got married, and currently we have been married for a few years. I am now almost 30. This whole time my husband has had trouble getting jobs. He has had many jobs, but most only last for a year or two. He has no college degree (neither do I.) once I even got him a job at the place I worked. Currently he has been employed for 8 months, and I am really starting to worry. But this time I feel like it's my fault. When I married him I basically ran away from my parents. I recovered memories of sexual and physical abuse (I was brainwashed for so many years so it took me a long time to realize it.) My husband was there for me through the whole thing. I even quit my job and went on disability for a few months to help my anxiety and depression and so I could get treatment. (Only time since I was 15 that I was unemployed). During that time I started an online business that took off fast. In fact, it did so well that I realized we had enough money to leave where we were living and to travel and go abroad. I thought I would have enough money to take care of me and my husband so I convinced him to quit his job and come with me so I could get as far away from my abusive parents as I could. My husband was very grumpy working his job (and any job he has ever had) and constantly complained about it and was having health issues because it was a manual labor job. My health was bad living anywhere near my abusive parents, and I really wanted to travel, and since my business was now online and remote, I went off of the disability, my husband quit his job, and we hopped on a plane. Fast forward 8 months later and I'm exhausted being the sole income provider. I've tried everything I can to bring in more money but it's harder then I though supporting two people. We are bouncing around from place to place, living paycheck to paycheck. I keep thinking that if I lived on my own I would be fine. I could get a roommate and afford myself on this salary. But supporting another person, my underwear has holes in it, and I don't have healthcare or other basic needs. My husband watches YouTube all day, and is trying to start his own online business like mine but it's not taking off as fast. He helps with the business a little and checks my emails and helps me with my schedule. He also cooks for us and helps us get around and does the grocery shopping. But I really wish he would just get a job. I told him I don't even care at this point where we go or where we live even if we have to go back, I just want him to get a job and help. Even if it's a job at mcdonalds I told him, I don't care. He refuses and says he's never going to work somewhere that is "beneath him" again. So now I'm stuck waiting until his business takes off and I have no idea how long that will be. He's only making about $20-100 a month right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm thinking about divorce because he's also kind of controlling but I'm afraid I would have to give him half of what I earn? Or that he would take me to court or something and since I'm the one with the job I would have to pay him? I just don't know how this works. Right now if I left I could take care of myself. But he has no money, no family (his family is abusive he hasn't spoken to them in years) , and we are in a foreign country. I wish I could just be free but I seriously don't know what to do and I am losing hope. I am exhausted working so many hours while he "studies" and watches movies all day. I don't know how to leave him. I barely have enough money to book our next place to stay. So how do I give him money so he isn't screwed and stranded if I want to leave? The last time I told him I wanted a divorce he said he would sue me because he helped me start my business. (He has participated in my business a few times, checked emails, and helped set up my appointments.) I really want to have a child but I can't birth them into poverty and this situation. I don't know if I have the stamina to keep going on like this while my husband tries to start his business. I feel like it's my fault because I enabled him to quit his last job (even though he was threatening to quit anyways.) I didn't know he wasn't planning on getting another one. I am so scared and feel trapped any advice will help. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 You shouldn't have to pay him anything since you don't have kids. I mean, look on google and make sure your state isn't an alimony state, but most aren't. Anyway, you should get out while you still can before you do have a child and are stuck there. He sounds like he's never going to change and would be no help as a father. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Talk to him. Ask him what his expectations are? I don't think you have to give him half of what you earn but it may cost you a lot to prove what he could potentially earn to offset what you may owe. Courts frown on lifetime alimony so I don't think you'd get saddled with that . Do speak to a lawyer to know your rights. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 You poor thing I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your husband is a man child. In the 10 years you've been together he has never even properly held down a job. If you two don't own anything, you aren't a rich woman and he is a healthy man why would anyone expect you to give him money. Is he currently looking for jobs? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 look on google and make sure your state isn't an alimony state, but most aren't. In most states alimony would be ordered in a marriage of 5 years duration. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 You said "abroad", are you currently outside the US? If so, employment options for him are limited... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author iloveshoes123 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 (edited) You said "abroad", are you currently outside the US? If so, employment options for him are limited... Mr. Lucky Yeah :/ I am trying to convince him to go back and get a job. I haven't told him about wanting to get a divorce yet I think he would get very angry. I just want to make sure he has some money of his own and that he isn't dependent on me anymore. I feel dumb because we are traveling around, seeing the world, which is a dream but I am carrying a dead weight with me- it's him, and I don't know how I will ever love a stable life with him because he's always been like this. It's cheaper to travel as a couple abroad then it is to live in the US. Right now I could go back and rent a room somewhere and build from there. But with him I can't go back to the US because it's difficult to find a room for rent for couples (especially because he has no job) and we can't afford an apartment over there with just my income. I just spoke with him and we are moving to a cheaper country for a few months to save up then going to go back to the US where he will hopefully get a job. He is still convinced his business (he just started 2 weeks ago) will be making enough by then so he doesn't have to get a job. I still don't know if he plans on getting another job or even wanting to go back. I don't know how to navigate this situation I feel trapped because I can't just leave him stranded. Once he gets the job or some income I plan on telling him I want a divorce. I wish I could just leave him now but it feels heartless to leave him stranded in another country with no money and I barely have enough right now to make it back and rent a room. Frustrating situation, I acknowledge my role in it and the bad choices I have made. Just trying to find my way to freedom :/. Thanks for replying Edited November 30, 2018 by iloveshoes123 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iloveshoes123 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 In most states alimony would be ordered in a marriage of 5 years duration. That's good to hear we have only been married for 3. I'm worried he'll try and come for my business because he helped me start it (by help I mean dricjngme places, checking my emails, setting up my schedule, cooking and cleaning when I was busy working.) But then again he would have to have money for the lawyers and court and he has none because he has no job. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iloveshoes123 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 You poor thing I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your husband is a man child. In the 10 years you've been together he has never even properly held down a job. If you two don't own anything, you aren't a rich woman and he is a healthy man why would anyone expect you to give him money. Is he currently looking for jobs? Thank you so much for replying it means a lot. He is definitely a man child it just took me so long to see it because I was young and naive when we got married and was just trying to escape my abusive family. He helped me out of that but has also proven to be very abusive and controlling and expects me to be the breadwinner and to not complain while he does nothing all day. He thinks I should give him more credit for cooking, grocery shopping, and checking emails. He is not looking for a job right now because he is starting his own business. We are also traveling to many foreign countries. We can't afford to live in an apartment in the US just on my salary. Many places won't rent a room to couples, especially if the husband isn't working. There are many countries where you can get a nice apartment for only $500. But we have no visa so we have to keep hopping around. I told him I want to go back to the US and for him to get a job. But he says it's too expensive with what we have right now financially so I'm stuck having to travel with him while we save more money (from my income!) to help him with his business/ to be able to go back to the US for him to get a job. (Honestly I don't know if that will ever happen.)I wish I could just leave right now but I don't want to leave him stranded in a foreign country with no money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iloveshoes123 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 Talk to him. Ask him what his expectations are? I don't think you have to give him half of what you earn but it may cost you a lot to prove what he could potentially earn to offset what you may owe. Courts frown on lifetime alimony so I don't think you'd get saddled with that . Do speak to a lawyer to know your rights. Thank you so much for your reply Link to post Share on other sites
Author iloveshoes123 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Share Posted November 30, 2018 You shouldn't have to pay him anything since you don't have kids. I mean, look on google and make sure your state isn't an alimony state, but most aren't. Anyway, you should get out while you still can before you do have a child and are stuck there. He sounds like he's never going to change and would be no help as a father. Thank you, I completely agree. I have to figure out now how I am going to leave him considering we are hopping from country country, getting back to our home country would take saving for a few months. He also has no job and money and I don't want to just ditch him in a foreign country with no money. He has no friends, no family. Just me. I feel trapped I wish I could just hop on a plane now and leave but he controls all the money. :/ thank you for your reply Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 That's good to hear we have only been married for 3. I'm worried he'll try and come for my business because he helped me start it (by help I mean dricjngme places, checking my emails, setting up my schedule, cooking and cleaning when I was busy working.) But then again he would have to have money for the lawyers and court and he has none because he has no job. Claiming co-ownership doesn't have anything to do with alimony, he could do that even if support was a non-issue. You might begin documenting everything and collecting company correspondence and any papers having to do with ownership. Once he knows your plans, he may attempt to do the same... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 Claiming co-ownership doesn't have anything to do with alimony Not necessarily true. Courts may consider asset distribution when deciding if support will be awarded. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 The bottom line is, he doesn’t want to work. I doubt there would be any obligation to give him anything if you divorce because you probably haven’t been married long enough for alimony and it doesn’t seem you have any savings. If you decide to leave him, give him a month’s notice and let him know he’s on his own after that. If his name is on the lease, you may have to wait until the lease is up. You’re smart not to get pregnant under these circumstances. Since you can basically live anywhere you want, I’d leave the country if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 I'm confused. If you are both moving from country to country frequently, I'm going to assume that you're on a tourist visa. How on earth is he supposed to ,"just get a McDs job" with a tourist visa? You do realize that he will need a work visa to get physical work in the country, right? Online is literally his only option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iloveshoes123 Posted December 1, 2018 Author Share Posted December 1, 2018 I'm confused. If you are both moving from country to country frequently, I'm going to assume that you're on a tourist visa. How on earth is he supposed to ,"just get a McDs job" with a tourist visa? You do realize that he will need a work visa to get physical work in the country, right? Online is literally his only option. Yes we are just tourists and I have an online business. He wa threatening to quit his last job and because I lived so close to my anusive parents the only solution I could think of was to just leave the country and travel for a while. Now im realizing it was a bad idea :/. I'm trying not to be the victim here too much I should have never enabled him to quit his last job in the first place but he was so angry and upset and complaining about injuries. I did research and realized it would be cheaper to travel and rent short term then to keep living in the situation we were living in. My job is doing well, but not well enough to fully support two people. Not well enough to rent long term or to go back to our country :/. So I talked to him, he refuses to let me divorce him. So far we have planned to go to this one country where we can stay long term and save up to go back to our home country. I think I am going to try and save up some money on the side and just leave it on the table for him one day and leave. Or maybe once we get back to our home country and hopefully get a permanent place split them. Just leave him some money so he doesn't starve and can find a room and be comfortable and just split or something. Problem is he controls all of the money and shut my bank account down. I don't have any friends or family. :/ I'm pretty screwed but I know I will make it out somehow. Thanks for replying to me Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 Nag him to get a job, once he does waste no time serving him divorce papers. Move out and tell him you are not supporting him any more. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 You need to put an immediate stop to him controlling your money. I have no idea why you allowed him access to your bank account so that he could shut it down. Now that he has done this to you, it’s all bets off. First, I’d change everything as far as where the money goes. Then I’d disappear without a trace. Just leave him. Any man who entraps you the way he has deserves every rotten thing that happens to him. For your part, do not EVER AGAIN allow anyone any form of access to your money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 Problem is he controls all of the money and shut my bank account down. I don't have any friends or family. :/ I'm pretty screwed but I know I will make it out somehow. Thanks for replying to me How on earth did this happen? Even if you gave him your password, it's a legal offense to transfer money out of someone's account. If he shut your bank account down, doesn't that effectively end his control, since you could just create a new one and have your income sent there instead...? Link to post Share on other sites
WorstFeelingEver Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Wait, What??? You are the main breadwinner, you are the one supporting both of you, you are the one paying for both of you to travel, & he CONTROLS the money & HE shut down your bank account!!?? Am I missing something here??? YOU need to to take back control of your money yesterday!! Stop your direct deposit to your joint NOW & open a new account in your name only & don't give him any bank info or passwords to control your account & money. Since your husband does the grocery shopping, you need to figure out a budget for now & open another bank account just for debit card, (just for the time being) & only put in a portion of money to that account, so he can grocery shop...nothing more. And you control this account, & you close it when you leave your husband!! 3 years marriage is probably no alimony___may want to check with an attorney___but the longer you wait, the more status quo this marriage becomes. Maybe talk with your husband, about giving him a settlement--amount of money to get him started on his own & then buh-bye!. (AKA--azz to curb) He has no college education & he doesn't want any job "beneath him"??? Does he think he will find a job starting out a manager/director pay?? good luck to him on that... making $20-$100 per month through his online startup job is a GREAT start!!!! He is a big boy now, time for him to go to work....like the other 80% people working 9-5.... I can tell you are unhappy with him, by repeating the same scenarios/statements in other posts..... If you want to work on the marriage, you might want to try MC, otherwise, I think you need to get back to USA, & then tell him, he has a deadline to get a job, <<<set your appropriate time here>>> if his so called online business doesn't make more then $20-$100 per month. Talk to an attorney in USA___most give 1 hour free consultations. Prepare your questions, concerns & gather information before going to an attorney, because the 1hr free clock starts when you walk in. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Men who don't work continue in that direction for the most part. Talking will get you nothing but wasted time. If you're smart you'll dump his lazy ass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Sounds you and your husband are incompatible at this time in your life. If he’s not making an effort to do better and make enough income for you two to live off then it’s time to move on. You can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
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