diddilybop Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 you've only been seeing him two for months, and he's already proven to be toxic. whether he's "cheated" on you or not, he's clearly a POS. just drop him already and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 The reason why i want to know if he cheated or no is because if he did, then i will definitely move on faster. Although, i have to move on both ways, but if he cheated, then i will be really angry thus move on fast. Even if he hadn't done it yet, he was going to. You have to give yourself permission to move on without needing to get really angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 3, 2018 Author Share Posted December 3, 2018 Even if he hadn't done it yet, he was going to. You have to give yourself permission to move on without needing to get really angry. Thank you for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 3, 2018 Author Share Posted December 3, 2018 This guy is a major loser. And yes, I'm sure he did "cheat," though that whole concept is odd since you never even had sex with him. True. Because i made it clear for him that i will not sleep with someone before marriage, but i was open to all the foreplay things and stuff, We used to lightly foreplay but he never crossed the lines, was very respectful in a weird way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 6, 2018 Author Share Posted December 6, 2018 We dated for 2 months. He was very sweet, loving and gentle. We clicked since date 1 and we couldnt stay away off each other since then. You can immediately say that everything was perfect EXCEPT his past. He is 37M, who was never committed and always had some commitment issues. But 1 year ago, he decided he wants to commit because he is sick of sleeping around and wanted to settle. When we first met, he told me all about his intentions and that he really liked me and sees a future with me. He introduced me to his family, took real good care of me and my sister, was always there for me. Then 1 week before we broke up, i was traveling to Europe, he dropped me at the airport, then picked me up after 4 days. The next day, we went on a date and it was amazing, he was so much in love with me and he told me he really loves me but he said that something has happened with him and he can't share it with me. I said okay. The next day, he asked me if its okay if he can stay home tonight because he wants to sort out some stuff related to his career and life. I immediately agreed. The next day, we had a small fight because he knew i dropped by a male colleague to his place. When i told him that this is not healthy and he should trust me, he said we need to talk about our relationship and he doesnt think he can commit. I, of course, started crying and asking for reasons why? I was mad because he assured me that he is ready to commit since we first met. He said he was about to cheat and i dont deserve this. That he thought he can commit but he discovered he can't. I was heartbroken, I was head over heals with this guy and i thought he is the same. I let him go. It's been 5 days since the breakup, i cant stop crying and im stopping myself from contacting him. I do not want him to see that i am broken over our short term relationship hoping that he will come back. I just can't stop thinking a guy who is so much into me would let me go. In the back of my mind, i dont want him back because he hurt me and he knows my intentions since the beginning. But i cant stop dwelling on the idea of him coming back !! any ideas why ? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 I just can't stop thinking a guy who is so much into me would let me go. Because it was a lie, he was not "so much into" you, he wanted to be "into" someone else... Stop writing the fairy story. If he genuinely was into you then he would not have dumped you. Thinking a guy who was a known commitmentphobe and essentially a "player" was "the one" and he would miraculously change for you, is unhealthy thinking. That is the stuff of romcoms and Disney movies, not real life. Don't do that again Link to post Share on other sites
GinON Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 He was into (in love with) the idea of commitment, he didnt know you long enough to know that he wanted to commit to you. Even if you were a nice "fit" together, there is no way to know if you would be a good couple 9 months later. Be glad you are out before he cheated on you. It sounds like he really wants to change but he needs to do that on his own (if its even possible) and that will take some professional help if he is a compulsive cheater, sex addict, has a commitment phobia or whatever. You are stuck thinking about him because you are experiencing an attachment trauma, it causes the fight or flight part of your brain to trigger because we unconsciously associate love and relationships with our childhood caregivers' affection. Imagine if your parents left all of a sudden when you were two. You'd become scared to death that you would die from starvation. Separation anxiety would set in and in adults is just a reflection of that. Thats why breakups can feel worse than death of someone. You don't need this guy, there are others out there. If you feel like you are having an unhealthy response you might want to see a therapist to see if you can work through any attachment traumas you had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 6, 2018 Author Share Posted December 6, 2018 Because it was a lie, he was not "so much into" you, he wanted to be "into" someone else... Stop writing the fairy story. If he genuinely was into you then he would not have dumped you. Thinking a guy who was a known commitmentphobe and essentially a "player" was "the one" and he would miraculously change for you, is unhealthy thinking. That is the stuff of romcoms and Disney movies, not real life. Don't do that again I wasnt the one trying to change him, he was the one who came and said he already changed a while ago and wants to settle. I did not try to convince him to commit to me. He really wanted that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 I wasnt the one trying to change him, he was the one who came and said he already changed a while ago and wants to settle. I did not try to convince him to commit to me. He really wanted that.. ...but he didn't really want that did he, else atm you would both be all cosily snuggled up... He at best is confused about what he really wants or at worst he was merely spinning you a line to get you into bed. Once he realised that wasn't an option he bailed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 You think he's coming back because that is what you want him to do. However he has never been able to commit. He claims to have tried during the 2 months you were together but that was more then he could handle & he broke up to back to his familiar uncommitted routine. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 This is the guy you said was emotionally unavailable and a commitment phobe and you didn't want that. Why are you now changing your mind and wanting him back? He told you he didn't think he could be exclusive. Why aren't you now dating guys who think like you. You are a virgin and this other guy is seeking women for sex because he can't go without it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 I have to agree with the others here. This guy may WANT to change, but he isn't walking the walk right now. Emotionally unavailable people love the feeling of being in love and infatuation. They love it so much that they project a future with that person and do things at warp speed. Until the other person wants more, then they panic and run. This guy probably really did like you and thought he was ready to try to change. But he just wound up doing the exact thing he's always done -- he cut and ran when things started getting more serious. What's worse is that he probably will come back, once he's alone for a little bit. Why is that worse -- because he obviously isn't ready to change and to commit and will only hurt you again. I know it's hard. A lot of us here have been through this same cycle, some of us many, many times. These relationships are really hard because you want that loving, attentive guy back -- but you won't get him back while he's unable to commit. You can't change who he is and make no mistake, he is emotionally unavailable. He has to go and do a lot of work on himself, probably with a therapist and a lot of time alone before he can be a partner to you or anyone. This will not happen this week, next week, or even probably in a year, if it ever happens. Focus on grieving the loss of the relationship and feeling what you need to feel to heal. I promise it will get better. I have been where you are and it will get better. Google the book "The Emotionally Unavailable Man and the Fallback Girl". See if you don't recognize a lot of the behavior there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 6, 2018 Author Share Posted December 6, 2018 This is the guy you said was emotionally unavailable and a commitment phobe and you didn't want that. Why are you now changing your mind and wanting him back? He told you he didn't think he could be exclusive. Why aren't you now dating guys who think like you. You are a virgin and this other guy is seeking women for sex because he can't go without it. The ironic part is he pretended that he loved me being a virgin and assured me he will wait as much as it takes to sleep together LOL Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 The ironic part is he pretended that he loved me being a virgin and assured me he will wait as much as it takes to sleep together LOL I'm sorry but you can't believe everything a man says especially when it comes to his dick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Every time I but a lotto ticket I feel that I am going to win the big jackpot. I can tell you from experience that feeling it will happen and it happening is two different issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) I have to agree with the others here. This guy may WANT to change, but he isn't walking the walk right now. Emotionally unavailable people love the feeling of being in love and infatuation. They love it so much that they project a future with that person and do things at warp speed. Until the other person wants more, then they panic and run.<snip> Google the book "The Emotionally Unavailable Man and the Fallback Girl". See if you don't recognize a lot of the behavior there. Thank you for this. I googled the book and i started reading it. It’s true i only attract this kind of men and this shall stop. I will work on myself, do everything i can to stop attracting then. To detect one from the very first time he appraoches me. I have to learn how. At first, i thought the problem is me. I know nothing is wrong with me. I’m just choosing the sickiest guys, subconsciously trying to heal and change them. This is not my job; to change them ! Today, i am so relieved that i came to this conclusion. Thank you Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
portwine49 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I think he cheated. He told you the truth and lied to you. He told you the truth that he is a cheater that cannot change. This made him appear honest and absolved him from appearing like he did. The I think he lied to you about cheating to save you from being hurt as he knows he is in the wrong. He sort of gave himself a pass without consultation and then deflected it by pretending to be honest with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 It takes time to get over someone you invested hope and emotion in, even if only for a few months. Who knows why he ended it, but all that matters is he did. And realize that although he seemed sincere and open with you, you only know what he told you, you don't know the real and entire truth. Telling you his negative traits and habits only made it easier for you to believe he was sincere in being with you. And he knew that. If he is truly a player and has the history he presented, it is curious why he didn't have sex with you. Taking it slow only to break up before things got intimate is odd. My first thought on that would NOT be that it was because he was truly sincere in his feelings for you as a possible long term partner. You don't go from sleeping around to abstinence. Whatever his truth is, the best thing for you is most definitely to move on and not look back. If he comes back later you can evaluate what you want at that time. But don't hold out hope for that. You'll likely waste a lot of time that could be spent finding someone with whom you're truly compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 If he is truly a player and has the history he presented, it is curious why he didn't have sex with you. Taking it slow only to break up before things got intimate is odd. My first thought on that would NOT be that it was because he was truly sincere in his feelings for you as a possible long term partner. You don't go from sleeping around to abstinence. TMQ is a virgin, she is saving herself for marriage. My guess is that he saw her as a challenge and when it became obvious she meant it and that sex was truly off the table till marriage, he bailed. He did not really want to wear that "chastity belt", he needed sex. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Thank you for this. I googled the book and i started reading it. It’s true i only attract this kind of men and this shall stop. I will work on myself, do everything i can to stop attracting then. To detect one from the very first time he appraoches me. I have to learn how. At first, i thought the problem is me. I know nothing is wrong with me. I’m just choosing the sickiest guys, subconsciously trying to heal and change them. This is not my job; to change them ! Today, i am so relieved that i came to this conclusion. Thank you All women attract these men not just you. You need to figure out how to reject these men so you do not become involved with them. You can only control yourself not them. Fix your picker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 Thank you all for your helpful comments. I did a lot of reading and self-reflection the last week and I came to the realization that it's all my fault. I am the one that did not believe in my guts when he was telling me about his past ( cheating, sleeping with a lot of girls ). The problem is within me, i ignore the signs so i can be with someone we have things "in common". The same case goes to my ex-fiancé who promised me the earth to be with me but he flaked once when he was "pressured" for one month then tried to get me back. I got back to him only to flake for good once we got engaged and thought he can't do this commitment. I don't understand guys who can't commit why they fake their excitement to make a future with you. Maybe, this guy thought he would make me sleep with him if he future faked and fast forwarded OR one of his exes contacted him, slept with her and realized he can't do the commitment thing. In the break-up conversation, he only blamed himself, he was just mad at himself. But what matter is, I now understand the problem, it's me the problem, i ignore the red flags and i ignore my intuition. Now that this happened to me, I know how to walk away from the next person when i can see something unusual is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 I don't understand guys who can't commit why they fake their excitement to make a future with you. You hear about this being done ALL the time. Guys faking relationships because they're getting sex on a regular basis. I would imagine women might do this too? I've known many guys over my lifetime who have done exactly that - told a woman what she wanted to hear and then had the gall to complain when they couldn't extricate themselves quickly and cleanly when they grew bored with her and wanted to move on. It happens quite regularly, I would imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toomanyquestions123 Posted December 13, 2018 Author Share Posted December 13, 2018 You hear about this being done ALL the time. Guys faking relationships because they're getting sex on a regular basis. I would imagine women might do this too? I've known many guys over my lifetime who have done exactly that - told a woman what she wanted to hear and then had the gall to complain when they couldn't extricate themselves quickly and cleanly when they grew bored with her and wanted to move on. It happens quite regularly, I would imagine. To the level he would introduce me to his family and gets me food from his mother because she loves me already ( from the picture ) and drops me and picks me from the airport ?? Still he didnt get any sex HAHA he is nothing but **** for me, i pity guys like him now Link to post Share on other sites
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