Sleep incompatibility

[Trail Blazer]

It's fair to say that the honeymoon period is now over.

 

For those who aren't aware, I'm currently going through a divorce while at the same time I've been seeing someone else since April (offically) this year. It's been a whirlwind year and meeting my current partner has been fantastic. I really do love her a lot. But the first real challenge of our relationship has come up.

 

Let me preface this post by saying that I'm someone who doesn't need a lot of sleep. 5 hours usually does me, but I can go days on end with far fewer hours sleep and still remain alert, functional and generally unaffected in any negative way.

 

My girlfriend on the other hand is the polar opposite. She needs 8-9 hours sleep, so she tells me. If her sleep is affected in any way, she is impacted negatively. If she goes for a sustained period with broken or lack of sleep, she starts to become dysdunctional, irritable, moody, emotional etc. Those are her own words too, not mine!

 

I first started noticing an issue a month ago. My girlfriend has had a few issues in her personal life she's been working through. She's been stressed, which has afected her sleep, combined with seemingly months on end trying to keep up with me, she says, which has now resulted in her experiencing burnout.

 

In the last month her desire to be intimate has plummeted. She hasn't been inviting me over to stay during the week. She has definitely been crashing out very early. She's been a little aloof, even when I have been around. I've been trying to get to the bottom of things, which I finally feel like I have made some kind of a breakthrough.

 

I sent her a big message on Facebook last night where I poured my heart out a little bit. This morning she told me that it was a slab of text that was too long to reply to, she doesn't even know where to start, some of it she doesn't even understand what I've said and she can't appropriately respond to some aspects of it as it's too hard to decipher emotion in text.

 

All that is fair enough, but as I explained to her, I haven't seen her much, she's been too busy and unbeknownst to me, hasn't invited me over. When I invite her around to my house, we don't get time to talk as her 6 year old son competes for both of our attention, then she goes home to get him to bed. I explained that because I have things to say, but not always the time to converse, I put it in text in an attenpt to give her time and space to read an absorb in her own time, with no immediate pressure to respond. She says it has the opposite effect as she gets overwhlemed with it and just can't bring herself to reply in a timely fashion.

 

So anyway, I called her on the phone tonight and, as per usual, we couldn't really have a PROPER conversation as her son was continually competing for attention. Yes, she's a single mom, solely responsible for another human being. I get all that, I respect that and I'm very understanding and supportive. But, it doesn't make it easy! Her son went quiet for a while when she had her back turned and in that time had broken a sentimental Christmas borbell which she'd had for years. She was then upset and frustrated. I felt guilty about averting her attention from her son.

 

In any case, I told her how I was struggling not seeing her, I explained how I'm very much struggling not being intimate with her. I have never been so attracted physically and emotionally to someone as I have with her. She told me she hasn't invited me over as I affect her sleep. She tries to keep up with me but can't. We had some very late, AMAZING sexual experiences in the first few months, then I'd wake up early in the morning for work and she'd literally grab me by the you-know-what and not let me leave until we did it again!

 

Yeah, I was on cloud 9. I thought I had found this amazing woman who's a bombshell in bed, gorgeous, caring, is attracted to me etc. None of that isn't untrue... It's just, she can't be that person much anymore. I could have taken a bit of a dip, but it's like she's just fallen off a cliff and now run because she can no longer be what she was in the beginning.

 

I didn't realise either until recently that just after she gave birth, she got an infection from the c-section which still causes her some problems to this day. She said sometimes her tummy hurts, so when I spoon her during the night I make her jump and she wakes up! What I don't get is that she spoke of how nice it is having someone you love embrace you while you sleep in the early days. Now, if I put my arm around her stomach it's painful? And if I rub her back, she just thinks I want sex when she's just too tired and stressed to think about that! Before? She would grab my hand and put it on her boob to get the point across!

 

Perhaps I missed a whole bunch of signs? I don't know! I like to think I'm pretty intuitive and have a decent level of emotional intelligence. But the decline to this extent and the sudden manner in which it came about wasn't something I saw coming! How does someone go from having a massive libido to having a dead one? I trust my girlfriend, I do, but it just FEELS a bit like a bait and switch. I'm sure that if and when the time comes when we're ready to have a child, the libido will re emerge like crazy again, and drop the moment there's 2 lines on the tester!

 

I suggested as a result that we need to make a night "our night." I suggested Friday nights as I don't have my kids until the Saturday morning, I don't have work to wake up early to and affect her sleep... it could be something we make our own when her son goes to bed. My girlfriend sounded almost defensive, saying that "I'm not always free Fridays, I have other things and commitments as well, you know..." She catches up with different girlfriends on many Fridays becausr that is also a day that seems to suit them.

 

I told her that for now I'll just come over during the week, bring some take out and stay until she's ready for bed, then go home. She said that would be nice and eases the pressure a bit. I told her we need to find a long term solution though, as if and when we cohabit we need to make sure that we can meet each other's needs. She said she agreed and had been researching mismatched sleeping between couples to try and find solutions.

 

Thr thing is, right now it feels like everything is on hold. I feel like I am the one having to compromise a lot more. Okay, she needs sleep, I get that. She says, "you say you get it but I don't think you really do fully understand it." She's right, I can empathise, but I can't fully understand it in that sense because when I'm in the moment I just want to live! I feel like I'm being held back when I inadvertently start living beyond the threshold of her energy levels.

 

I love her so much and I don't want to throw away a fantatsic relationship where, for the most part, we're so well matched. She's such a beautiful woman inside and out, a fantastic and attentive mom and while she hasn't worked much since her son has been born (that's another story but it's not really her fault) she has volunteered for helping disadvantaged people. She is an active and valuable member of the community, and a very popular person. However, I'm struggling...

 

It feels like it's now a platonic relationship. I feel like we're really good friends. We are really good friends, but I need a lover as well as a best friend. Yes, I have a high sex drive and she seemingly did too. Now, her's is dead while I'm left to satisfy myself. What I find hard is that SHE struggles to understand how that affects me! It's like, she's the one with the issue, yet it's only allowed to affect her? If I miss out and say anything, I'm the one who doesn't get it, not the one who misses out.

 

So, how do others balance mismatched sleeping schedules and how can it be balanced without having a negative affect on a couple's sex life?

Edited December 2, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[basil67]

Mismatched sleeping schedules here too. We had sex in the daytime. Or earlier in the evening before I fell asleep. The pain she feels when you hug her? It's possible all the pheromones and early adrenaline hid the pain.

 

At this point, all you've got to work with is what's wrong. Have you asked her how she'd like the relationship to look? Start with that and see if it's something which would work for you.

 

Edited to add: I can see why she says you don't get it. In the start of the post you say "She needs 8-9 hours sleep, so she tells me". Adding 'so she tells me' indicates to me that you don't necessarily believe her. Why not simply say "She needs 8-9 hours of sleep"? I know it's a really small thing I'm seeing, but I picked it up as soon as I read it and knew that we'd get further down the post with you not understanding.

Edited December 2, 2018 by basil67

[Art_Critic]

I love her so much and I don't want to throw away a fantatsic relationship where, for the most part, we're so well matched.

 

If her sleep schedule being messed up is killing her then all you can do is let her do the adjusting and go along with it.

It seems to me however that there is more going on, it seems to be going south and she is pulling back.. maybe looking to recreate some interest.

 

On another note... You are still married, going thru a divorce.. still having a wife and being 6-7 months in a new relationship seems like you move pretty fast.. maybe she senses this and is slowing you down..

 

You aren't even out of one commitment and you are looking to jump into another so fast, that long text or slab of text and her reaction to it tells me she thinks you are moving too fast.

 

I think you need to work on slowing down some, put less work on getting sex and more work on building a friendship with her and her Son.

[Happy Lemming]

Maybe the relationship has run its course...

 

If she can't forgo a couple of hours of sleep to accommodate your sex life, then maybe its time for a change.

 

Why have a girlfriend if you have to "satisfy" yourself??

 

I'm not with my present girlfriend for her conversation skills or witty banter. If she stops having sex with me, I'm dumping her.

[darkmoon]

she was on best behaviour at first, like an attractive confection, but now, she is just being herself, imho

 

 

 

how else can you account for her change in behaviour?

Edited December 2, 2018 by darkmoon

[Els]

Good lord you guys are moving WAY TOO FAST. Have you ever thought that she might be trying to slow the train down a bit, and reasonably so? You're not even legally divorced yet. You both have kids. You've been together for only 8 months. Your opening post is the kind of thing I'd expect from a couple of >1 year, and even that only if they were both legally single AND childfree...

 

 

Why don't you slow down, focus on making the transition easier for your kids, and focus on finalizing your divorce?

[Veronica73]

I think you’re being unfair, and a little selfish. Acting like you don’t believe her. And saying it seems like a bait and switch. Maybe she really is exhausted? I absolutely would be after months of that. I’m exactly the same way she is. I get so run down if I don’t get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Even one night of 4-5 hours of sleep in a night drags me down for the next couple of days. The guy I’m seeing right now has a drastically different sleep cycle. And when we first started seeing each other I really tried to accommodate his sleep schedule. And I had fun doing so. But that lasted maybe 6 weeks or so and I was exhausted and felt worthless most days. So I realized I needed to take care of myself and go to bed earlier and get my rest. You’re acting like she isn’t meeting your needs. Well it sounds like she was accommodating you for months and it ran her down, and now after one month of little to no sex and you’re thinking of throwing in the towel because your libido is too high for her? And yeah... sending a huge emotional text when she is already feeling exhausted and overwhelmed-not good. And talking in person is pretty much ALWAYS preferable when it is something serious. I don’t have kids, so that makes our scheduling easier, but still...

[Trail Blazer]

Mismatched sleeping schedules here too. We had sex in the daytime. Or earlier in the evening before I fell asleep. The pain she feels when you hug her? It's possible all the pheromones and early adrenaline hid the pain.

 

At this point, all you've got to work with is what's wrong. Have you asked her how she'd like the relationship to look? Start with that and see if it's something which would work for you.

 

Edited to add: I can see why she says you don't get it. In the start of the post you say "She needs 8-9 hours sleep, so she tells me". Adding 'so she tells me' indicates to me that you don't necessarily believe her. Why not simply say "She needs 8-9 hours of sleep"? I know it's a really small thing I'm seeing, but I picked it up as soon as I read it and knew that we'd get further down the post with you not understanding.

What sort of work did you guys do which allowed for sex during the day? I work during the day, she has her child to tend to in the evening. If she can get him to bed by 9pm then we usually had a couple of hours of "our time" which seemed to work well in the beginning. Now, it appears that that from 9pm to 7.00am when the kid sleeps, the window of opportunity for us to spend time with one another is not as great as I had once thought.

 

The pain she feels when I put my arm around her in bed is due to some mild ongoing complication due to the serious infection she sustained after she had the c-section. I recall her telling me ages ago about it, but not the sporadic lingering pain. But that's quickly gone from "it comes every now and then" to "do not touch me in bed again."

 

What I meant to say was, "so she tells me now." I can see why you might have read something into that which wasn't what I meant. Of course I believe her. I just meant it in a way as to highlight the huge contrast between what I was lead to believe without being told anything (because she was staying up late) to all of a sudden being told something which doesn't align with what I've observed. I can see now that she is struggling with a lack of sleep. There are no issues with trust there.

 

On the phone yesterday we did talk about how it would work long term. I told her it sounds like if and when we moved in together, it would only work if we slept in seperate beds for the majority of the time. She proceeded to tell me how, in her research on the topic, it seems to be something that many couples do to get around the issue. Maybe that idea works for her, but I don't find it appealing. I said I think sex might suffer as a result and she said it might need some more creative effort to work. So I don't know, really. We'll sit on it for a bit and see how things go.

[Trail Blazer]

If her sleep schedule being messed up is killing her then all you can do is let her do the adjusting and go along with it.

It seems to me however that there is more going on, it seems to be going south and she is pulling back.. maybe looking to recreate some interest.

 

On another note... You are still married, going thru a divorce.. still having a wife and being 6-7 months in a new relationship seems like you move pretty fast.. maybe she senses this and is slowing you down..

 

You aren't even out of one commitment and you are looking to jump into another so fast, that long text or slab of text and her reaction to it tells me she thinks you are moving too fast.

 

I think you need to work on slowing down some, put less work on getting sex and more work on building a friendship with her and her Son.

 

For sure. I am taking a step back and letting her figure out how it would work for her. I'm not going to push her at all. I'm just concerned with some of the messages I'm getting.

 

If she senses I'm moving too fast and it took her this long to figure out, then there's something wrong! She's moved as fast with some things as I have. Like, for instance wheb she suggested moving in to her aunt and uncle's house together which will be vacant in the new year.

 

I've met all of her family. Her son's birthday was a couple of weeks ago. All of the moms from his school, her cousins, everyone. She was only too happy to introduce me to them all. If she wanted to slow things down then she's not doing a good job of doing so.

 

Let me make it clear, I haven't been putting work into getting sex per se. I've been putting a lot of effort into the relationship in general though. I'm not going blow my own trumpet here saying how good I am, but for context I'll just say that I have done a fair bit, from general house repairs for her, spending time shooting hoops with her son, feeding her dog while she was away, etc. We have done things for each other, that's how it should work. However, I just want to make it clear that I haven't really changed at all. My focus is on doing what's best for her, and hoping I have the same come back in return.

[Trail Blazer]

Maybe the relationship has run its course...

 

If she can't forgo a couple of hours of sleep to accommodate your sex life, then maybe its time for a change.

 

Why have a girlfriend if you have to "satisfy" yourself??

 

I'm not with my present girlfriend for her conversation skills or witty banter. If she stops having sex with me, I'm dumping her.

Take cover. This isn't going to be a popular opinion with some!

 

The thing is, I do not want the relationship to have run its course. I do want her to acknowldge that sex is important for me and that going from all the time to nothing is never going to be just brushed under the carpet with no questions asked.

 

The thing is, I am pretry understanding. She's got her child who does come first. I love the kid as well and do enjoy spending time with him. I just feel a little miffed when I'm the one who gets left in the dark and have to wade through defensiveness to try and get an answer. Why not just communicate from the outset istead of sticking one's head in the sand.

[Trail Blazer]

she was on best behaviour at first, like an attractive confection, but now, she is just being herself, imho

 

 

 

how else can you account for her change in behaviour?

That's the thing, I can't! I could take a gradual decline, or some compromise. But to be not invited over and to find out it's because her sleep is that affected by me isn't a big deal. What is a big deal is that she pretended like the elephant in the room didn't exist. Why not communicate and make me try and figure it all out?

[Trail Blazer]

Good lord you guys are moving WAY TOO FAST. Have you ever thought that she might be trying to slow the train down a bit, and reasonably so? You're not even legally divorced yet. You both have kids. You've been together for only 8 months. Your opening post is the kind of thing I'd expect from a couple of >1 year, and even that only if they were both legally single AND childfree...

 

 

Why don't you slow down, focus on making the transition easier for your kids, and focus on finalizing your divorce?

I've covered the "slowing down on her part" component in a post above. As far as slowing down, it looks like I'm left with little choice. She can't keep up with me in a physical sense, so naturally the rest will follow. I'm going to take a step back and let her start making some moves. I'll figure out where she's at by observing how she goes about things.

 

I have been focusing on my kids and my divorce. It's all happening. My daughter is great, she's adjusted well. She loves my girlfriend. My son needs more time and yes, he's not keen to meet my girlfriend (yet). Bht that's okay, there's no pressure for him to do so. I don't see my girlfriend every day, it's usually 2 times a week, max, but less so now. So, in the other time I have worked hard on my relationship with the kids. I'm getting there.

[Trail Blazer]

I think you’re being unfair, and a little selfish. Acting like you don’t believe her. And saying it seems like a bait and switch. Maybe she really is exhausted? I absolutely would be after months of that. I’m exactly the same way she is. I get so run down if I don’t get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Even one night of 4-5 hours of sleep in a night drags me down for the next couple of days. The guy I’m seeing right now has a drastically different sleep cycle. And when we first started seeing each other I really tried to accommodate his sleep schedule. And I had fun doing so. But that lasted maybe 6 weeks or so and I was exhausted and felt worthless most days. So I realized I needed to take care of myself and go to bed earlier and get my rest. You’re acting like she isn’t meeting your needs. Well it sounds like she was accommodating you for months and it ran her down, and now after one month of little to no sex and you’re thinking of throwing in the towel because your libido is too high for her? And yeah... sending a huge emotional text when she is already feeling exhausted and overwhelmed-not good. And talking in person is pretty much ALWAYS preferable when it is something serious. I don’t have kids, so that makes our scheduling easier, but still...

Hang on a minute! I never said I was thinking of throwing in the towel at all! On the contrary, I want to find a solution! And I didn't not believe her... I explained above what I meant by that. I accept she needs sleep, but she didn't communicate that it was affecting her so badly. She didn't say, "hey look, I'm really sorry but I'm going to need a break from having you stay over because it's really affecting my sleep and ability to function during the day." Nope, nothing! She just went about everything else as per normal, yet I was the one who had to try and figure it out.

 

As for a huge emotional text, it really wasn't. A component of it was, but a lot of it was about concerns and observations, including just not having opportunities to actually talk to her by the very method which she later told me she would have liked me to deliver most of what I'd said.

 

I really don't think it's selfish to want to have your needs met in a relationship. I think it's a lot more selfish if you're unwilling to try to meet your partner's needs. Nobody could accuse me of not wanting to meet her needs. I do so much for her to try to make her happy. I do so because I enjoy seeing her happy. I doubt she would have too much to complain about in that regard. In fact, she doesn't because she actually is grateful and tells me this frequently. But, if my needs aren't being met as well, am I all of a sudden selfish?

[Happy Lemming]

Take cover. This isn't going to be a popular opinion with some!

 

The thing is, I do not want the relationship to have run its course. I do want her to acknowldge that sex is important for me and that going from all the time to nothing is never going to be just brushed under the carpet with no questions asked.

 

As for the first part of your response... I never really cared what other people think (in real life or on a forum) This rodent doesn't "sugar coat" anything. Minimal or no sex and I'm gone. Plenty of women out there, NEXT!!

 

As for the second part... Fine, stay in this relationship where you sleep in separate beds and have no sex. Sounds like a crappy existence (in my opinion). This woman isn't going to change her stance on sex, no matter what you say or write. She'll throw you a bone, once in a while, but (mark my words) you'll be "satisfying yourself" more and more. Doesn't sound like a fun relationship to me.

[preraph]

You have to respect when someone needs their sleep. I have various sleep disturbances I've had since childhood, sinus, nervousness, hearing every sound, having to pee frequently. I have to stay in bed 9 hours or sometimes more to get enough sleep to feel good. You are the one who is farthest off on the light sleeper side, the norm being 8 hours.

 

On top of that, she's a busy mom, so she's exhausted. I assume she also has a job. I wouldn't stay with anyone or live with anyone who intentionally woke me up or nagged me about sleeping too much. It's very controlling. It's clear your number one thing is sex, and knowing that is what motivates you doesn't set well with her either. She has other things on her plate.

 

So get together and have sex whenever she has time if she still wants to. But she's already decided you're not someone to live with.

 

Yes, I understand how aggravating young kids can be about interrupting, and the parent letting them interrupt, but in my experience, that isn't going to change if she doesn't have "shutup" power over him already. But he is just six. He may lose interest in her in another couple of years, and then you'll have a brief respite until it's time for her to drive him everywhere all the time. Good luck.

[elaine567]

It's fair to say that the honeymoon period is now over.

That is basically it.

She, no doubt pushed the boat out to get you interested. She probably felt she was in competition with your ex, so ramped it all up.

Now "burnt out" with all that sex, love and romance, it is reality time.

 

She reveals her true way of life. Caring for her son, early nights, 8-9 hours of sleep, chronic pain. Her, I guess preference for separate beds, out with the girls on a Friday night...

 

BUT not a lot of room left for that wild sex life...

Maybe you will see an improvement once she has had time to rest and recuperate for a bit and her stress levels drop - stress is a real libido killer.

 

(Btw 8-9 hours of sleep is actually normal and recommended by the experts for physical and mental health.)

[snowcones]

As a person who needs her restful sleep (7-8 hours per night) and has been in her position, I'd say that there is probably more to it than just the sleep. I think she may be apprehensive about you and/or the relationship and it is coming out like this. Are you ready to be single again? Because I kinda feel like is too short to be dating someone who you're not having sex with.

[Trail Blazer]

You have to respect when someone needs their sleep. I have various sleep disturbances I've had since childhood, sinus, nervousness, hearing every sound, having to pee frequently. I have to stay in bed 9 hours or sometimes more to get enough sleep to feel good. You are the one who is farthest off on the light sleeper side, the norm being 8 hours.

 

On top of that, she's a busy mom, so she's exhausted. I assume she also has a job. I wouldn't stay with anyone or live with anyone who intentionally woke me up or nagged me about sleeping too much. It's very controlling. It's clear your number one thing is sex, and knowing that is what motivates you doesn't set well with her either. She has other things on her plate.

 

So get together and have sex whenever she has time if she still wants to. But she's already decided you're not someone to live with.

 

Yes, I understand how aggravating young kids can be about interrupting, and the parent letting them interrupt, but in my experience, that isn't going to change if she doesn't have "shutup" power over him already. But he is just six. He may lose interest in her in another couple of years, and then you'll have a brief respite until it's time for her to drive him everywhere all the time. Good luck.

 

With all due respect, you're way off the mark with a lot of what you've said here. You haven't thoroughly read everything, or else you wouldn't have said some of the stuff you've said. It seems like you've cherry picked bits of what I've said, talen them out of context and replied with your own projections.

 

I covered her job scenario. No, she does not work a conventional job. She volunteers though, so that takes up some of her time, but not like a 40 hour working week. Where did I ever say I intentionally woke her up? Where did I say I nagged her about how much she sleeps? Or are you simply assuming I do, since I've included it as facts that are central to my premise?

 

It's clear my "number one thing is sex?" Really? Wow... okay! Here's the thing; I included sex being an issue because it is an issue! However, the thing to remeber us that I haven't made it a big deal to her. Yeah, we've spoken about it, I've made it clear that it's important, but that is it. Normal relationships have discussions abouts needs, wants etc. I've done that, the balls in her court, now I move on and see what happens.

 

She's already decided I'm not someone to live with?? Right, okay! If that was the case, she would have already dumped me! We both decided that we're not ready to move in with one another, yet. That's all, there's nothing else to it as far as I'm aware. What is challenging is the sleep incompatibility. According to her, it's tied in to her drop in libido. I guess that's where I have to accept that as truth, even though I suspect there's more to it than just that. But, that is what we need to work on and through.

 

The thing about young kids I get. I've got 2 kids of my own. I work around things. I thought I was doing the right thing by sending stuff in messages, but obviously I was off the mark there. Now, I will just call. As she told me, she's perfectly capable of saying, "I'm busy now, can I call back in an hour?"

[Trail Blazer]

As for the first part of your response... I never really cared what other people think (in real life or on a forum) This rodent doesn't "sugar coat" anything. Minimal or no sex and I'm gone. Plenty of women out there, NEXT!!

 

As for the second part... Fine, stay in this relationship where you sleep in separate beds and have no sex. Sounds like a crappy existence (in my opinion). This woman isn't going to change her stance on sex, no matter what you say or write. She'll throw you a bone, once in a while, but (mark my words) you'll be "satisfying yourself" more and more. Doesn't sound like a fun relationship to me.

I don't have a lot to disagree with here, except that I really hope that she's genuinely just goimg through a rut and she might come out of it in the new year, once the stress and expenses of Christmas are over. There's still plenty of time to figure everything out. I'm not in too deep yet to bail, although I really don't want to! I just hope we can work it all out.

[Trail Blazer]

That is basically it.

She, no doubt pushed the boat out to get you interested. She probably felt she was in competition with your ex, so ramped it all up.

Now "burnt out" with all that sex, love and romance, it is reality time.

 

She reveals her true way of life. Caring for her son, early nights, 8-9 hours of sleep, chronic pain. Her, I guess preference for separate beds, out with the girls on a Friday night...

 

BUT not a lot of room left for that wild sex life...

Maybe you will see an improvement once she has had time to rest and recuperate for a bit and her stress levels drop - stress is a real libido killer.

 

(Btw 8-9 hours of sleep is actually normal and recommended by the experts for physical and mental health.)

 

Why would she think she was in competition with my ex? I was clear from the first day that I was totally over my ex. I assured her there was nothing to worry about, that the emotional comnection had died a long time ago and I'd remained in a stale relationships for years too long, solely for the sake of the kids. I assured her of these things, but do you still think she felt like she had to compete anyway?

 

She told me that the ONLY reason she hasn't invited me to stay over in the last month (except for the Friday night before last because I replaced a faulty light in her fish tank) is because she's exhausted and burnt out. She says she feels very awkward and uncomfortable thinking she will fall asleep at 10pm and I'll be awake, bored, or even just watching TV until midnight or later.

 

Everything else in the relationship seems good. She's been extremely supportive through some challenges I've had with my ex and my 12 year old son (which is another story entirely). She's a very good woman, my 8 year old daughter and her adore each other. She's a quality human being with a heart of gold. But it's daunting to think how much she struggles to keep up with me.

 

I am patient and prepared to give it plenty of time while trying a few different things. One thing which might turn the dynamic on it's head is a potential job a buddy of mine is trying to get me into. It's a 3 on/3 off job in the oil fields. He works 21 days straight, then flies back in and has 3 weeks at home. The dollars are big and the time it will afford us when I'm back might work for us. She is all for it and thinks it could help.

[Trail Blazer]

As a person who needs her restful sleep (7-8 hours per night) and has been in her position, I'd say that there is probably more to it than just the sleep. I think she may be apprehensive about you and/or the relationship and it is coming out like this. Are you ready to be single again? Because I kinda feel like is too short to be dating someone who you're not having sex with.

 

That's interesting. I'm prepared for anything really. I just hope that the many scenarios I'm prepared for do not eventuate into reality. I guess time will tell. My gut says that there's a little more to it, but does that just translate to "I don't necessarily believe her?" I have to give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

[Happy Lemming]

She volunteers though, so that takes up some of her time...

 

She has time to volunteer, but no time for you/sex...

 

Instead of volunteering, why couldn't she take a nap, so she could be wide awake when you come over.

 

Sounds like this woman has no problem filling her day, exclusive of you.

 

In my opinion, you are NOT a priority whatsoever, everything else is (including this volunteering).

[snowcones]

That's interesting. I'm prepared for anything really. I just hope that the many scenarios I'm prepared for do not eventuate into reality. I guess time will tell. My gut says that there's a little more to it, but does that just translate to "I don't necessarily believe her?" I have to give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

 

I understand. I was only speaking from my own experience. I once had a relationship that I really wanted to stay in, but my desire for sex with him dropped after a while. His desire didn’t drop but mine did. To this day, I have no idea why mine dropped. The only answer I can come up with is that the honeymoon stage and the excitement was gone after a while, and some of the attraction from my end went with it. In hindsight, we weren’t a very compatible match (attitude, world views, interests etc.) and that led to the demise of our relationship, but it sure didn’t stop us from having a lot of sex in the beginning. In the beginning, I sensed the incompatibility, but still wanted to screw his brains out. And it was great (and I had hope that we’d work things out). Time defied that though. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, be sure to examine your level of compatibility and ask her how she feels about it too.

[elaine567]

She has time to volunteer, but no time for you/sex...

 

Instead of volunteering, why couldn't she take a nap, so she could be wide awake when you come over.

 

Sounds like this woman has no problem filling her day, exclusive of you.

 

In my opinion, you are NOT a priority whatsoever, everything else is (including this volunteering).

 

That is a good point.

 

Seems like you are being taken for a ride, sorry to say. Good for repairing stuff and distracting the son and feeding the dog, but she is now too tired to just hang out with you or share her bed...

I am sure she would love for you to be working in the oil fields, all that lovely free time with you away and all that lovely money.

 

If you want to work there, then do it. It suits many to work like that, and the rewards are good and can set you up for life, but do not let her talk you into it, the rewards are good for a reason, oil jobs can be hard jobs both mentally and physically taxing.

[Trail Blazer]

I understand. I was only speaking from my own experience. I once had a relationship that I really wanted to stay in, but my desire for sex with him dropped after a while. His desire didn’t drop but mine did. To this day, I have no idea why mine dropped. The only answer I can come up with is that the honeymoon stage and the excitement was gone after a while, and some of the attraction from my end went with it. In hindsight, we weren’t a very compatible match (attitude, world views, interests etc.) and that led to the demise of our relationship, but it sure didn’t stop us from having a lot of sex in the beginning. In the beginning, I sensed the incompatibility, but still wanted to screw his brains out. And it was great (and I had hope that we’d work things out). Time defied that though. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, be sure to examine your level of compatibility and ask her how she feels about it too.

 

See, this is something that I find sad. In the beginning she spoke of how all her exes were a-holes that treated her bad. She spoke of many things which I saw myself as being the opposite of. Is it possible that now she's not with an a-hole, that she's almost bored? I'm perhaps too nice a guy, caring and empathetic, attentive to her needs. It's a sad world if I have to inhibit these traits because women are attracted to the very behaviors they also dispise.