Sleep incompatibility

[Trail Blazer]

That is a good point.

 

Seems like you are being taken for a ride, sorry to say. Good for repairing stuff and distracting the son and feeding the dog, but she is now too tired to just hang out with you or share her bed...

I am sure she would love for you to be working in the oil fields, all that lovely free time with you away and all that lovely money.

 

If you want to work there, then do it. It suits many to work like that, and the rewards are good and can set you up for life, but do not let her talk you into it, the rewards are good for a reason, oil jobs can be hard jobs both mentally and physically taxing.

 

If she's intentionally taking me for a ride, what's her end game? She absolutely wants more kids. She wants a guy who treats her right, will take in and be a role model for her son, wants to buy a house etc. I mean, I'm ripe for being taken advantage of, being sucked in and locked in to giving her what she wants if she just hangs on for a bit longer, waits for my divorce to come through, lets me head out to the oil fields until I finally agree to give her another baby. Why would she pull away before locking me in?

 

As for the oil fields, she has no bearing on my decision. I've been trying to get in for some time. There's no doubt that my girlfriend liked the idea of me heading up there, eapecially when I spoke of wanting a future with her, wanting to include her in my future plans and definitely being open to the idea of buying a house together, having a baby and getting married one day.

 

I have time and patience to see this through. I hope I'm wrong. I want her to be "the one." But I know that if this is anything more than just a phase then it will be an uphill battle from my end to remain fully engaged long term. I fear us drifting apart, but perhaps that's for the best if she won't commit the same effort in the relationship, or worse still, if you're indeed correct and I'm being taken for a ride.

[Trail Blazer]

She has time to volunteer, but no time for you/sex...

 

Instead of volunteering, why couldn't she take a nap, so she could be wide awake when you come over.

 

Sounds like this woman has no problem filling her day, exclusive of you.

 

In my opinion, you are NOT a priority whatsoever, everything else is (including this volunteering).

 

I hate what you're asking because they're the same things I've wondered in some form or another but I don't have the answer. I think that's what they call 'the inconvenient truth.'

[Happy Lemming]

I hate what you're asking because they're the same things I've wondered in some form or another but I don't have the answer. I think that's what they call 'the inconvenient truth.'

 

Yes... food for thought!!

 

There is an easy way to get an answer. Bring this situation to a head.

 

Ask her why she is volunteering when she is so stressed for time and sleep??

 

If having PIV sex is not in the cards that day, what is wrong with oral or a hand job??

 

I'm afraid that I have to agree with some of the other posters, that she did the "hot monkey sex" in the beginning to get you interested and keep you coming back... now, not so much.

 

In my experience, when the sex is refused or trails off; it is a sign the woman wants out and doesn't have the guts to "break it off".

[Wallysbears]

What if you were to go over on a Saturday morning and bring McDonald's and just keep her son busy watching cartoons for a few hours and let her sleep in?

 

I wouldn't jump to the "she's using you" or wants to break things off camp immediately. Maybe she just really is TIRED.

[Art_Critic]

See, this is something that I find sad. In the beginning she spoke of how all her exes were a-holes that treated her bad. She spoke of many things which I saw myself as being the opposite of. Is it possible that now she's not with an a-hole, that she's almost bored? I'm perhaps too nice a guy, caring and empathetic, attentive to her needs. It's a sad world if I have to inhibit these traits because women are attracted to the very behaviors they also dispise.

 

I think it has more to do with your situation that with hers.

Your Son just met her a couple/few weeks ago and your Daughter hasn't yet.

In your past threads about her you mentioned moving in together was being talked about.

 

It doesn't seem to me that you are ready to be moving in with anybody yet...

 

I think you need to have a heart to heart and really listen to her, I'd bet she is slowing down because she sees you are trying to get her to commit when you are not ready to commit yet.

 

Timing it seems, not all bad but you need to discuss it and maybe work on moving the divorce ahead faster to see if you can be in a place to commit..

Hopefully emotionally you are in a good place with the previous marriage.. because that can also cause issues.

 

Talk to her, good luck

[fieldoflavender]

I had the same issue with my ex (gosh so many badness and I never saw it before) and we made compromises by a few hours each. I need very little sleep, he needs more and he gets up early and I am a terrible grouchy morning person.

 

It worked but in the end it clawed at all the things we were doing to keep it going. So like anything else, if other things are making the relationship worthwhile then it's fine, otherwise it won't survive if it irritates both of you to the core. Also you have to consider if you have different sex drives. My ex's sex drive was less than mine and I was never truly satisfied and I don't think the sleeping schedule helped that at all.

[elaine567]

See, this is something that I find sad. In the beginning she spoke of how all her exes were a-holes that treated her bad. She spoke of many things which I saw myself as being the opposite of. Is it possible that now she's not with an a-hole, that she's almost bored? I'm perhaps too nice a guy, caring and empathetic, attentive to her needs. It's a sad world if I have to inhibit these traits because women are attracted to the very behaviors they also dispise.

 

 

Is not the dissing of ex lovers not seen as a big red flag?

Most stable, mature and mentally healthy women with self confidence and good self esteem are not attracted to bad guys and a**holes.

[Trail Blazer]

Is not the dissing of ex lovers not seen as a big red flag?

Most stable, mature and mentally healthy women with self confidence and good self esteem are not attracted to bad guys and a**holes.

 

To be fair, those were my words, not hers! She actually hasn't spoken a lot about her ex's. She seemed to be played by a few guys, especially thr father of her child who sucked her in, then chewed her up and spat her out. She's had a few hard lessons and is really looking for a decent guy who she can settle down with. That shouldn't change just because we are potentially incompatibile.

[butwhytho]

I think u need to back off and let her miss u a bit. She’s taking you for granted Bc u r always available. Just go cold for a little bit and see how she reacts. I know it’s hard to do since u want to spend time with her, but playing cold for a bit will clear things up. If u r too available, u will be taken for granted. Sorry

[Blanco]

I think I expressed in another thread that the relationship seemed to be moving quickly given the circumstances. If nothing else, slowing things down a bit is going to give both of you a chance to really see where you are and aren't compatible.

 

I don't know if I agree that this issue is her way of pulling back, but I do think it's the first in what could be a series of supposed changes in her personality that were not evident early on. That's not uncommon for both parties in a relationship. Early on, both people are running high on dopamine, so it's easier to skate past or obscure incompatibilities.

[Trail Blazer]

I think u need to back off and let her miss u a bit. She’s taking you for granted Bc u r always available. Just go cold for a little bit and see how she reacts. I know it’s hard to do since u want to spend time with her, but playing cold for a bit will clear things up. If u r too available, u will be taken for granted. Sorry

 

That's actually what I've decided to do. I'm not into playing games, but I definitely need to take a look at how I go about things, observe the situation for what it is and adjust accordingly. Perhaps it's space she needs, so I'll afford her that. We'll see what happens from here.

[snowcones]

See, this is something that I find sad. In the beginning she spoke of how all her exes were a-holes that treated her bad. She spoke of many things which I saw myself as being the opposite of. Is it possible that now she's not with an a-hole, that she's almost bored? I'm perhaps too nice a guy, caring and empathetic, attentive to her needs. It's a sad world if I have to inhibit these traits because women are attracted to the very behaviors they also dispise.

 

 

Bored? No, I did not get bored with my ex. It was just that we weren't a very compatible match in the first place, but the hormones and thrills of the newness of the relationship probably blinded me to that and compelled me to get involved in the beginning, when I probably should not have. It was just that in time we settled into a more normal state and the reality of things set in. It's not something you can really avoid and it has nothing to do with boredom. You can't have those "exciting" times forever and when the exciting time wears off, you'd better have something more substantial and worthwhile to lean back on. We didn't have that, at least not enough. As for your lady, I can't speak for her, but I was just bringing this up as a possibility. Only she will be able to tell if you two are compatible enough. I suggested you look at it and broach the subject with her to get some information for clarity, but I would refrain from giving her a guilt trip or whining about it, or else she will begin to lie to you to prevent from hurting your feelings and keep you confused and waiting in limbo.

[Trail Blazer]

I tried something today. I decided I would ghost her for the day. Not log on to Messenger, see how long it would take her to respond. Normally I will leave her a "good morning" message before I head off to work if I've seen she's logged on already. Sometimes she does too, but I am more often doing it, which is fine, there's no issue with that - it's just an observation and I'm using it for context.

 

So anyway, she sent me a message about 11:30am asking how my day was going. I waited an hour, opened it, left it alone. Replied 90 minutes later, very short saying it was okay and responded in kind. She replied immediately and told me what her morning had entailed and what she was doing for the rest of the day. I read it an hour later, responded briefly, then waited.

 

I saw she'd replied just before I left work. I waited until I got home to read it. She asked me if everything was okay. I gave her a thumbs up. I saw she replied instantly, I waited an hour. She said she hasn't noticed me on so infrequently and was just checking to see if I was okay. Before I replied, she had asked me another question, whether I was seeing my kids on Thursday night, as that's what I do every Thursday. I simply replied with "yes."

 

The response I got back was interesting. Since I could have left her in bo doubt that the conversation we had on the weekend indicated my dissatisfaction with the time we've been spending with each other recently, the timing of this gesture seems incredibly coincidental. She had asked me of I wanted to go to her son's school for their Christmas concert and stay the night afterwards. The little kids have the day off on Friday, so there's no issue with me waking her up as she doesn't have to get up to organize her boy for school.

 

It's not as if I'm surprised she invited me. She's been quite open to me meeting her family and friends. It's just, she's known for weeks about it as her boy has had to reherse a few things for it. Also, it does seem like an exception had beeb made given she didn't have to get up the next day, either. However, I still feel that it's perhaps more coincidental that she asked me now, as opposed to even weeks ago.

 

I told her I have my kids but I could come over after dinner, to which she was more than happy for me to do so. We'll see how it goes. I'll notice a change in attitude on the night, so the behavior night give me a better indication. Correlation doesn't equal causation necessarily, so I'm going to sit on this one until the sample size becomes a lot bigger.

[Happy Lemming]

Do you think your little experiment of delayed & short replies will equate to more sex??

 

You may win this battle, but in the end you'll lose the war.

 

I remember briefly dating this woman who once told me "I own the vagina (she used a different word, but I'll clean it up for LS), so I make the rules" I quickly moved on, as she used sex as a bargaining chip, and I wasn't going to be manipulated.

 

In my opinion, your girlfriend has this similar attitude, not quite as aggressive as the woman I mentioned above, but similar.

 

Have you spelled out what your needs are?? "I would like to have sex X number of times per week, if you aren't willing to accommodate something close to this, then I think its time for me to move on"

 

Why have a girlfriend if your "satisfying yourself" (your words, not mine)?? Life is too short not to be happy, you are not happy with this relationship/arrangement.

[Trail Blazer]

Do you think your little experiment of delayed & short replies will equate to more sex??

 

You may win this battle, but in the end you'll lose the war.

 

I remember briefly dating this woman who once told me "I own the vagina (she used a different word, but I'll clean it up for LS), so I make the rules" I quickly moved on, as she used sex as a bargaining chip, and I wasn't going to be manipulated.

 

In my opinion, your girlfriend has this similar attitude, not quite as aggressive as the woman I mentioned above, but similar.

 

Have you spelled out what your needs are?? "I would like to have sex X number of times per week, if you aren't willing to accommodate something close to this, then I think its time for me to move on"

 

Why have a girlfriend if your "satisfying yourself" (your words, not mine)?? Life is too short not to be happy, you are not happy with this relationship/arrangement.

I have no idea man. I think it's going to go one of 3 ways; we'll talk about our needs and wants in the relationship and she'll walk if she feels that the pressure to put out is toi great, she'll freak about the relationship ending and put out for an unspecified period of time before things slowly creep back to the way they were, or she'll figure that it will be bust if we don't have regular sex and she'll snap out of it, realising she actually enjoys sex as well.

 

I am hoping like crazy it's the latter. I really do love her. The last year has been the best year of ny life, the best sex I've ever had, she's hot as and just gets me racing like no girl I've ever been with prior has. It's hard man because in every other way, we're quite well suited. One thing I do kniw though, is I will tire of a lack of intimacy and no matter how cute she is, no matter how well we're suited in other ways, no matter how much her son and family like me and vice versa, I will grow very resentful of a lack of physical intamcy.

 

I plan to have a chat to her when her schedule slows down a bit. Hopefully when her son finishes school for the year there will be a couple of weeks over the festive season where we can sit down and really nut out where we're headed and what we want. As for Thursday night, hopefully that will include a nice night of physical intamcy. If it's more of the same mundane lack of any passion as has been for the past month, I'll be disappointed (but perhaps not surprised).

[Trail Blazer]

So, Thursday night didn't happen. It ended up being too late before I dropped my kids back to their mom's house. We decided Friday and perhaps Saturday night would be a lot better since she wouldn't be so tired and we'd have a lot more time to spend together anyway since I won't have to leave early for work.

 

I went over on Friday night, quite late as she was having dinner out. It might have been around 9.30pm when I got to her place. She greeted me out the front of her house and asked if I was interested in seeing the Xmas lights in our local area. Having 2 kids of my own, this of course is something I'm quite accustomed to doing. I didn't mind, so we drove around for an hour or so until her boy went to sleep.

 

We got back to her place, she put her boy to bed and then we watched some TV before going to bed. As always, she was tired, I wasn't. I lay there for a while when she went to sleep. I woke up at 5am and quietly went to the bathroom at the other end of the house. I went back to bed and my girlfriend wad awake, on her cell phone doing whatever. She didn't look at me, didn't acknowledge me, she just scrolled for an eternity.

 

Half an hour later her boy came into her room, gave her a hug and went out to the lounge to watch some TV. Still... nothing. I lay there, still, for over an hour before getting so bored and quite irritated that I got up, got changed, didn't say anything and walked out. I sat with her boy for over an hour. We played Junior Monopoly for a while before he was saying he was hungry, and so was I.

 

I looked through her pantry which I am well familiarized with by now. There wasn't a lot that he wanted so I thought I might just take him to Burger King or somewhere as a treat. He wanted to ask my girlfriend to come, but he came back out of her room looking sad. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Mommy is still sleeping." As we headed for the front door, I stuck my head in one final time and my girlfriend looked at me, bleary-eyed and said she wanted to come. So she quickly got ready while we waited.

 

While we were sitting down at breakfast and the boy went off to play, we had a frank conversation. I told her that it didn't feel nice being completely ignored while you made scrolling through Facebook a priority instead of even saying good morning. I told her that I knew she was tired but that it felt like she was mad at me and blamed me for being awake, even though at 5.30am her boy would have woken her up anyway.

 

She said, "you still don't understand how a lack of sleel is affecting me. You still don't understand that as a single mom solely responsible for another human being, I haven't slept right in 6 years. You still don't understand that sleep is my priority and is paramount to keeping me functional and alert for my child. If I don't get enough sleep, I can't think straight, I get impatient and moody quicker. Basically everything goes bad if I don't get enough sleep."

 

She went on to say that she wasn't ignoring me and explained that if she'd engaged with me, it would have meant she wouldn't have gone back to sleep. She justified her cell phone usage as a way to relax her brain and go back to sleep. She also said that me lying there made her very self-concious because she did feel bad about how I wad bored out of my brain and she was so conflicted, but she just didn't have the energy to do anything other than focus on sleep.

 

I told her that it's not feasible that I sleep over again untilna permanent solution can be found. I told her that I was upset that until 5-6 weeks ago I was staying over a lot, we were making love, having so much fun and all of a sudden it stopped, she stopped inviting me over, we no longer had sex, all of these things. She told me, "I had been trying to keep up with you for too long. I had been enjoying our time, but I was wearing out."

 

I'd told her how it wasn't right that she just cut everything off, not say anything, but carry on like nothing had changed. She'd told me that it wasn't like she'd deliberately set out to do anything, but that she was so tired she couldn't think straight and was struggling to make sense of everything herself, so she couldn't talk to me about it. I told her that she can't keep using the excuse of cutting off communication just because she's tired. She said I was being unfair because I didn't understand that if she couldn't think straight, she had no way of communicating what she wanted and the message would be lost.

 

After we left breakfast she gave me some directions to a place she wanted to go. We got there and were parked out the front of a mattress shop. My girlfriend said that a new bed would help a lot, as it's when I move out of bed and it wobbles, that's when it disturbs her. We went ibto the shop, we lay on a few beds and a saleperson had us tested on a bed which gave a data about what sort of mattress we needed to suit our body shapes. We checked out some mattresses, got a few quotes and left.

 

We got back to her place and discussed some more. She said she wants to get a new bed in the new year. She said that should help a lot. She said she's committed to finding a long term solution to this issue. Her current bed isn't too bad anyway, but some of these new mattresses these days are amazing. So, let's see how that goes.

 

Anyway, I left her house to do a few things at my place. I am going back tonight with some ingredients to make dinner. I sent her a message saying I'd bring over some of her favorite apple cider in the hope that it relaxes her and helps her go to sleep. I had no intention of satying the night, as agreed upon earlier. However, she sent me a message back saying, "a nice massage would definitely help me get to sleep." In times gone by, a massage was a precursor to sex. This time, who knows... but it's a start, and maybe we'll begin to rebuild our intamcy from this point onwards.

[snowcones]

Oh boy, it sounds pretty grim to me. Like you two are holding onto hope with little to nothing to back it up.

[Happy Lemming]

You don't need a new bed to have sex.

 

What would have been wrong with a "quickie" instead of playing with her phone??

 

She is not having sex with you because she wants out of the relationship. She probably just wants you around for the holidays, so she isn't alone at Christmas.

 

Dude, time to bail!!

[some_username1]

It all seems a bit strange to me that sleep wasn't an issue in the early stages and now it is suddenly so bad she has no energy left to do anything other than be (from the sounds of it) a bit of a pain in the ass.

 

I can only conclude that she put you in what some refer to (rather amusingly) as the "pussy coma": a few months of all your needs being met so you would never think of going anywhere else and then once she has got you under her spell she starts to turn the tap off.

 

The latest incident with the mattress just sounds like throwing you breadcrumbs of hope to keep you thinking that something will change for the better. But when it's not the mattress it will be something else and so on and so on.

 

Provided she is the one paying for this mattress (she is the one paying for it right?!) I would stick around a few more days and see what happens but if there is no improvement or (as I suspect) she starts claiming there is a different issue (most likely she will then claim she is turned off because she feels pressured into sex) I would consider the relationship over.

[elaine567]

 

What would have been wrong with a "quickie" instead of playing with her phone??

What benefit would she get from a "quickie"?

[Happy Lemming]

What benefit would she get from a "quickie"?

 

She could have an orgasm, as well. I imagine the OP knows how to bring her to orgasm.

 

I've dated women who had an orgasm rather quickly during PIV sex. I guess it depends on the woman.

[elaine567]

She could have an orgasm, as well. I imagine the OP knows how to bring her to orgasm.

I've dated women who had an orgasm rather quickly during PIV sex. I guess it depends on the woman.

 

OK but most "quickies" are designed to give quick relief to a man not a woman.

 

True vaginal orgasms are rare if not impossible according to some researchers...

[Happy Lemming]

OK but most "quickies" are designed to give quick relief to a man not a woman.

 

True vaginal orgasms are rare if not impossible according to some researchers...

 

I'm making the assumption that the OP knows this woman's body and how to make her orgasm.

 

Personally, I know the left side of my girlfriend's clitoris will bring her to orgasm, rather quickly. A previous girlfriend it was the top near the hood that brought her to orgasm. Some it was oral sex, while others it was manual manipulation. I had one that would orgasm wildly if I just gently stroked her clitoris during PIV sex.

 

For the record, I've slept with women that did orgasm during vaginal sex.

[losangelena]

God, I don’t know. I think y’all both need to work on your in-the-moment communication. I would be incredibly hurt/pissed off if my SO just laid there for an hour and totally ignored me. I mean, she could’ve put her phone down, turned toward and been like, “let’s cuddle for a while.” Likewise I think you could’ve gotten up earlier or said something, too, because if I were her, I would have felt like your were testing me or something.

 

Also, for her to go to Burger King when she could have gotten an extra hour of rest—so much for prioritizing sleep.

 

I think there is something else going on but she’s using sleep as the reason.

[elaine567]

I'm making the assumption that the OP knows this woman's body and how to make her orgasm.

 

Personally, I know the left side of my girlfriend's clitoris will bring her to orgasm, rather quickly. A previous girlfriend it was the top near the hood that brought her to orgasm. Some it was oral sex, while others it was manual manipulation. I had one that would orgasm wildly if I just gently stroked her clitoris during PIV sex.

 

For the record, I've slept with women that did orgasm during vaginal sex.

 

I guess they were faking it, but that is another story.

 

Whether the quickie would or would not bring her to orgasm is kind of moot, as she did not see the benefit to her of any sexual activity whatsoever, preferring to scroll through FB.