Sleep incompatibility

[Timshel]

I'll blow my cash and enjoy my life with fast cars, bikes and whatever else floats my boat.

 

 

Finalize your divorce, have fun with your cash but definitely don't spend it all.

You'll need it when you are older.

[Trail Blazer]

Finalize your divorce, have fun with your cash but definitely don't spend it all.

You'll need it when you are older.

 

Of course. I should rephrase what I said to: "I'll spend the cash I would have spent purchasing a much larger house for her son and a future baby that she wants, the additional cost of 3 mouths to feed, health insurance, car for her et al, on my fast toys instead."

 

I always planned to have savings for retirement.

[elaine567]

"...my life will be so much easier if I don't have to carry a woman and a child that's not even mine, while providing another child to pop out and pay for, all while she lives her dream life as the stay at home mom, baking cookies and school drop offs while living behind the security of a white picket fence that I bust my a$$ off to provide."

 

When you put it like that...

I guess even if she is depressed or grieving or just exhausted, you just came out of a bad marriage, the last thing you need is to run straight into baggage, baggage and more baggage...

We only get one life.

[BettyDraper]

{snip} As bitter as that sounds, that's the reality. I would have given this woman EVERYTHING she ever wanted if I got a little bit back in return. The sad thing for HER is that she doesn't feel what she needs to feel in order to make me happy. That's okay, it's just the way it is. I can accept it, but I just need to be told. Then I'll move on and make my own way in life as my OWN man. She will lose out and so will her son. This nice guy won't finish last, because there's more to life than just having a significant other. When I stop looking, the right one might just find me. And if they don't, so be it. I'll blow my cash and enjoy my life with fast cars, bikes and whatever else floats my boat.

 

I don’t think you sound bitter. You are just hurt and you’re also coming to some difficult realizations. It boggles my mind when women don’t know how to appreciate a good man-especially when they have been with jerks! It’s a good thing that you’re getting out now before you end up wasting years in a one sided relationship.

 

Your girlfriend is an immature and manipulative woman. That’s why she was trying to speed up the relationship; she wanted to take advantage of your kindness and financial resources.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

Of course. I should rephrase what I said to: "I'll spend the cash I would have spent purchasing a much larger house for her son and a future baby that she wants, the additional cost of 3 mouths to feed, health insurance, car for her et al, on my fast toys instead."

 

I always planned to have savings for retirement.

 

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out...Stay true to yourself, that always works, for the long haul.

 

 

Merry Christmas Trail Blazer and best looking forward to the New Year.

[Veronica73]

At the end of the day I need more than just a beautiful face to keep me with someone. She stands to gain a whole lot more being with me than I do with her. Once I get my divorce through, my life will be looking up. We've talked about everything - where we're headed and what we want out of life. She knows I'm a driven and determined person. She can either come for the ride or collect food stamps for her and her son and go back to dating a-holes.<SNIP>

 

Honestly, I felt the same way as this poster. And I’ve read every single post. You sound obsessive and unable to see her point of view. Sleep is incredibly important to some people. And it’s like, because she gave it up for so long at the beginning of your relationship, you aren’t able to see the importance of it for her. You just take it for granted. And now things changed and you aren’t able to get laid as much as you used to be able... so she’s the problem. Maybe she tried at the beginning and it wore her down and now she’s exhausted and needs to recover. I’ve had that happen. And add to that she has a kid she is 100% responsible for. And she lost a family member. And oh no! It’s been 5 weeks without sex but I’ve been fixing things around the house and whatnot but without ever taking her out on a real date. And I’m sure you won’t see what I’m saying because you are so focused on being the injured party, but whatever. You’re the one who was all into renting a house with this woman and then the first sign of problems you want to leave.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

Doesn't that make them incompatible Veronica? Or are you suggesting a long slow painful end with divorce and children to boot?

 

 

Maybe the problem is that people do not know when to walk away and so much drama ensues afterward. Honest to everything, let it go.

[Veronica73]

Doesn't that make them incompatible Veronica? Or are you suggesting a long slow painful end with divorce and children to boot?

 

 

Maybe the problem is that people do not know when to walk away and so much drama ensues afterward. Honest to everything, let it go.

 

It probably does make them incompatible. And I’m not suggesting a long, slow painful end with divorce and children to boot. But to be like “this is how she was like like in the beginning, and now she’s not, so she must have been fooling me on purpose” seems ridiculous. Some people really do need good, solid chunks of sleep on a VERY regular basis. And if they try to do differently, like this woman seems to have done, and have found that it doesn’t work out for her, and she has months of sleep deprivation to make up for.... to accuse her of “bait and switch” seems unfair. She sacrificed for months to make him happy. But it made her miserable. And he’s the one who only needs to sleep 5 hours or whatever it is. It’s not normal. She needs to sleep a normal amount. Give her a break. It’s like the fact that she tried to accommodate him for months at the beginning it is working against her now that she can’t keep it up.

[BettyDraper]

Honestly, I felt the same way as this poster. And I’ve read every single post. You sound obsessive and unable to see her point of view. Sleep is incredibly important to some people. And it’s like, because she gave it up for so long at the beginning of your relationship, you aren’t able to see the importance of it for her. You just take it for granted. And now things changed and you aren’t able to get laid as much as you used to be able... so she’s the problem. Maybe she tried at the beginning and it wore her down and now she’s exhausted and needs to recover. I’ve had that happen. And add to that she has a kid she is 100% responsible for. And she lost a family member. And oh no! It’s been 5 weeks without sex but I’ve been fixing things around the house and whatnot but without ever taking her out on a real date. And I’m sure you won’t see what I’m saying because you are so focused on being the injured party, but whatever. You’re the one who was all into renting a house with this woman and then the first sign of problems you want to leave.

 

Actually, she was the one who wanted to rent the house. TB was just considering it.

 

The problem isn't just that TB is not getting any sex. It's also the fact that his girlfriend is unwilling to be open about her other issues. She has also told TB that she can't meet his needs. It's not healthy that she won't even try to meet him halfway. TB's girlfriend could have handled this conflict in a more mature and caring way.

 

Why should TB be a father figure to her son, a handyman, and receive no affection? Relationships should be beneficial for both sexes and not just women or men.

[Trail Blazer]

I don’t think you sound bitter. You are just hurt and you’re also coming to some difficult realizations. It boggles my mind when women don’t know how to appreciate a good man-especially when they have been with jerks! It’s a good thing that you’re getting out now before you end up wasting years in a one sided relationship.

 

Your girlfriend is an immature and manipulative woman. That’s why she was trying to speed up the relationship; she wanted to take advantage of your kindness and financial resources.

It doesn't boggle my mind. I just think she's not attracted to me. Despite complementing me on my looks when we first started to date, I guess whatever initial attraction she felt in a physical sense has diminshed. Maybe I too intense and live too fast-paced for her to keep up. I find it silly though if that's the case. I'm the one prepared to do the heavy lifting and earning the money to provide. She's so stressed now, but if she had a bit of foresight she'd realize that if we cohabit then a lot of her stress becomes mine. And honestly, a lot of what she finds stressful is either every day stuff which I just get on with, or financial stresses which come with the territory of being a single mom. Stresses that simply won't exist if she's with me.

 

I don't think she's trying to take advantage of my resources. For one, I'm not exactly a rich man. I no longer own my house and currently pay quite a bit of child support. I do have a reasonably well paying job with some perks, so my disposable income might seem reasonable relative to her situation. Having said that, if she really wanted to take advantage, she'd make me feel loved and not frustrated like I currently am. She'd have me marry her, give her a a baby and THEN pull the stunts. Thankfully she couldn't handle being with me even for that long. I've dodged a bullet there.

[Veronica73]

Actually, she was the one who wanted to rent the house. TB was just considering it.

 

The problem isn't just that TB is not getting any sex. It's also the fact that his girlfriend is unwilling to be open about her other issues. She has also told TB that she can't meet his needs. It's not healthy that she won't even try to meet him halfway. TB's girlfriend could have handled this conflict in a more mature and caring way.

 

Why should TB be a father figure to her son, a handyman, and receive no affection? Relationships should be beneficial for both sexes and not just women or men.

 

So what does she provide for him, or has ever provided for him? Besides sex? (Which apparently she isn’t even doing now?) Because this whole thread seems to be about he is doing all this stuff for her (basically being a handyman), but she’s not putting out. No offense, but I can hire a handyman and afford to pay him. It’s kind of disgusting to me that that is all a guy has to do...be a handyman...and you’re expected to put out. (I’m going to discount the being a father figure to her son because that seems completely effed up. They haven’t been together very long and in my opinion it’s just not appropriate).

[Timshel]

It probably does make them incompatible. And I’m not suggesting a long, slow painful end with divorce and children to boot. But to be like “this is how she was like like in the beginning, and now she’s not, so she must have been fooling me on purpose” seems ridiculous. Some people really do need good, solid chunks of sleep on a VERY regular basis. And if they try to do differently, like this woman seems to have done, and have found that it doesn’t work out for her, and she has months of sleep deprivation to make up for.... to accuse her of “bait and switch” seems unfair. She sacrificed for months to make him happy. But it made her miserable. And he’s the one who only needs to sleep 5 hours or whatever it is. It’s not normal. She needs to sleep a normal amount. Give her a break. It’s like the fact that she tried to accommodate him for months at the beginning it is working against her now that she can’t keep it up.

 

 

I won't accuse her of 'bait and switch,' I don't think OP is either. Veronica, don't even talk to me about sleep, lol. I get it.

 

They are not on the same page to the point that the incongruity is more than sleep.

This is early days in their relationship and honestly, OP has to take care of some stuff.

Dating is figuring out stuff...and they have. No mas with the kids early on OP!

Vive and doing yourself without any smage to others sounds like a good plan Trail Blazer...again...ring in the New Year with a best foot out there.

[Trail Blazer]

I'm sorry it didn't work out...Stay true to yourself, that always works, for the long haul.

 

 

Merry Christmas Trail Blazer and best looking forward to the New Year.

 

Thanks Timshel. Same to you. Merry Christmas and best wishes for the new year.

[Veronica73]

I won't accuse her of 'bait and switch,' I don't think OP is either. Veronica, don't even talk to me about sleep, lol. I get it.

 

They are not on the same page to the point that the incongruity is more than sleep.

This is early days in their relationship and honestly, OP has to take care of some stuff.

Dating is figuring out stuff...and they have. No mas with the kids early on OP!

Vive and doing yourself without any smage to others sounds like a good plan Trail Blazer...again...ring in the New Year with a best foot out there.

 

He actually has accused her of “bait and switch”.

 

But I agree that they aren’t on the same page.

[BettyDraper]

So what does she provide for him, or has ever provided for him? Besides sex? (Which apparently she isn’t even doing now?) Because this whole thread seems to be about he is doing all this stuff for her (basically being a handyman), but she’s not putting out. No offense, but I can hire a handyman and afford to pay him. It’s kind of disgusting to me that that is all a guy has to do...be a handyman...and you’re expected to put out. (I’m going to discount the being a father figure to her son because that seems completely effed up. They haven’t been together very long and in my opinion it’s just not appropriate).

 

I agree wholeheartedly that the children should not have been involved.

TB seems to understand why it didn't make sense for their respective children to have met such a new partner though. What's done is done.

 

My impression was that TB was infatuated with his girlfriend because she provided him with companionship as well as sex.

It was far more than trading handyman duties for physical intimacy.

[BettyDraper]

{snip} I don't think she's trying to take advantage of my resources. For one, I'm not exactly a rich man. I no longer own my house and currently pay quite a bit of child support. I do have a reasonably well paying job with some perks, so my disposable income might seem reasonable relative to her situation. Having said that, if she really wanted to take advantage, she'd make me feel loved and not frustrated like I currently am. She'd have me marry her, give her a a baby and THEN pull the stunts. Thankfully she couldn't handle being with me even for that long. I've dodged a bullet there.

 

You may not be rich but you would have still been able to alleviate some of her financial issues. Why do you think she wanted to play house so soon?

 

It doesn't matter anyway since you're done with your girlfriend.

Have you told her yet?

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

Honestly, I felt the same way as this poster. And I’ve read every single post. You sound obsessive and unable to see her point of view. Sleep is incredibly important to some people. And it’s like, because she gave it up for so long at the beginning of your relationship, you aren’t able to see the importance of it for her. You just take it for granted. And now things changed and you aren’t able to get laid as much as you used to be able... so she’s the problem. Maybe she tried at the beginning and it wore her down and now she’s exhausted and needs to recover. I’ve had that happen. And add to that she has a kid she is 100% responsible for. And she lost a family member. And oh no! It’s been 5 weeks without sex but I’ve been fixing things around the house and whatnot but without ever taking her out on a real date. And I’m sure you won’t see what I’m saying because you are so focused on being the injured party, but whatever. You’re the one who was all into renting a house with this woman and then the first sign of problems you want to leave.

 

For someone who's claimed to have read every post, you're remarkably off on many aspects. I haven't denied that some of the things you've rehashed are legit issues for her. But you have doggedly chosen to see only one side of the coin here. You're leaning only on the side that you can relate to, yet you accuse me of being only able to do the same. I've identified the issues, my realization is that we're just incompatible. There's no right or wrong, black or white. But I am a but upset with how it's seemingly turning out with the amount of effort I've felt I've put in.

[Trail Blazer]

He actually has accused her of “bait and switch”.

 

But I agree that they aren’t on the same page.

 

You didn't respond to my initial response to you, yet you cherry pick bits from what I've said and misrepresent them. I didn't flatly accuse her of a bait and swtich. I said "it felt like it" and gave my reasons why it felt like it. I actually don't think it was a bait and switch because she gets nothing out of swtching so soon. I simply feel like she's lost attraction to me, can't handle conflict and is overtating the sleeping issue as a smokescreen to frustrate me into making the decision for her.

[Veronica73]

For someone who's claimed to have read every post, you're remarkably off on many aspects. I haven't denied that some of the things you've rehashed are legit issues for her. But you have doggedly chosen to see only one side of the coin here. You're leaning only on the side that you can relate to, yet you accuse me of being only able to do the same. I've identified the issues, my realization is that we're just incompatible. There's no right or wrong, black or white. But I am a but upset with how it's seemingly turning out with the amount of effort I've felt I've put in.

 

I have read every post, and I haven’t changed my opinion from the beginning. I don’t see you taking her need for sleep as a real issue. And I agree that you’re probably just incompatible. I’ve said that. It’s a little weird though that a few weeks ago that you were all in on renting a house with her. (After very little time together) And the first sign of trouble you’re out.

[Trail Blazer]

So what does she provide for him, or has ever provided for him? Besides sex? (Which apparently she isn’t even doing now?) Because this whole thread seems to be about he is doing all this stuff for her (basically being a handyman), but she’s not putting out. No offense, but I can hire a handyman and afford to pay him. It’s kind of disgusting to me that that is all a guy has to do...be a handyman...and you’re expected to put out. (I’m going to discount the being a father figure to her son because that seems completely effed up. They haven’t been together very long and in my opinion it’s just not appropriate).

 

Sorry but you are off with the fairies. We had sex well and truly before I did any handy man stuff. The first time I did anything for her like that was when she told me her washing machine wasn't dumping water at the end of the cycle and she'd booked a technician to come. It was purely a "fyi" thing she told me. I urged her to let me take a look first, and convinced her to cancel the technician. I spent 2 hours that night pulling the front of it apart and identifying the issue (5 bobby pins blocking up the filter pump - save yourself calling a handyman by making sure you take them out of your hair before taking off clothes if my tip for you Veronica! *wink*).

 

I guess from that point forward, saving her $100+ she trusted me and from there bagan my helping her with my skills for no reason other than I WANTED to help her. What is the problem exactly? Not getting sex, intimacy and not having certain things effectively or sufficiently commmunicated to me are my issues, with the former two things which I'm willing to compromise/work through IF the latter, communication, were to be forthcoming. That's where the issues lie, they're mutually exclusive to not having sex, but unfortunately that's gone over your head.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

I have read every post, and I haven’t changed my opinion from the beginning. I don’t see you taking her need for sleep as a real issue. And I agree that you’re probably just incompatible. I’ve said that. It’s a little weird though that a few weeks ago that you were all in on renting a house with her. (After very little time together) And the first sign of trouble you’re out.

 

*I* wasn't out! We were BOTH out, with her not mentioning to me first that she'd signed a lease extension until AFTER I'd brought up the issue where I thought we'd needed more time. She would have just said no more about it at all if I hadn't brought it up, such is the sporadic communication with which she adopts.

[snowcones]

I just think you need a lot more time and attention than she can or is willing to give. I sympathize with you both because I’ve been in both positions before (with different people) and it sucks. It’s just an incompatibility. You can’t do anything about it except let go and move on.

[Veronica73]

Then effing talk to her and break it off. You go from head over heals and thinking about moving in with her to a few weeks later being done with her because you’re not getting laid as much as you used to. Does this not seem odd to you?

[snowcones]

I see things turning very ugly from now on.

[Trail Blazer]

Then effing talk to her and break it off. You go from head over heals and thinking about moving in with her to a few weeks later being done with her because you’re not getting laid as much as you used to. Does this not seem odd to you?

 

You're kidding, right? You can't have read every post in this thread. I have gone to great lengths to explain how it is not I who has the difficulty communicating, it's her! I have tried on NUMEROUS occasions to talk to her about stuff. Pleasr go back and read what's been said thoroughly. You clearly haven't done so as you keep accusing me of not trying things which I've already addressed.